London Girl Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I dated a guy briefly. He dumped me in late November because he says he is not ready for a relationship with anyone as he feels he had not given himself enough time to be single and heal since his last relationship. He said he had a messy breakup and was relieved when it ended. Since dumping me he has initated all the contact to which I responded. Otherwise I have kept strict no contact. I last saw him on New Year's Eve and we ended up sleeping together. The next day he holds my hand whilst walking to the train station with me and was affectionate towards me. It's been 5 days and I have not heard anything from me and I have not contacted him. I have resumed no contact and am trying to move on. Not that I am waiting for him but I'm in dilemma as to whether I should have limited contact with him and try to just be friends with him. Because I'm not in love with him as I have not known him that long, I think friends might be possible. It's difficult as he did not end it with me because there was someone else or lack of chemistry/attraction etc. Is being friends a good idea? He reminds me of how I was last year when I was dating guys but was not ready for a relationship as I was still not over the failure of my last boyfriend but now I have healed I am ready now to meet someone special. Any advice appreciated.
Author London Girl Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 I might like to add that I really do like this guy and would like him to give us a chance for a possible relationship but at the same time I don't want to waste my time if he is flaky. He mentioned that it frustrates him that he is at that "inbetween" stage, is and is not ready for a relationship. He wants to settle down and have kids but if he rushes things with someone new he is scared it will end in disaster. He is 36 and I am 33.
s_n_d Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I think you should wait till hes ready for a relationship, if you interested in him.
Author London Girl Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 thanks snd. But that's my problem, should I be in limited contact and be friends with him. I just don't want to take the risk of waiting for him until he is ready and then he decides he wants to be single for longer or want to be with someone else. I did that with my ex ex for one year and that just emotionally drained me. With this recent ex perhaps I should tell him that I don't want contact with him unless he is ready for a relationship, you know to knock some sense into him. I don't see why he keeps contacting me now and then when he is the one that does not want the relationship. On the other hand I thought I could try and get to know him better by being friends but I will definitely not sleep with him again until we are an item.
Jordane Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 As long as you do not have false hopes I think that it is possible to maintain a relationship with him. However, if you guys are casually sleeping together throughout, this might just end up being a friends with benefits relationships in which you can pretty much be sure that you will get hurt in the end. It all depends on what your hopes and expectations are from this relationship.
s_n_d Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Yes you should definitely do what you just said there... I think its all up to you if you want to be in limited contact and friends with him.
Author London Girl Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 thanks guys. I have no expectations from him and I'm keeping my options open too by dating others if the opportunity arises. After the failure of my last relationship with my ex of 3 years I told myself I will never waste my time on someone. I seem to attract men with baggage for some bizarre reason! I will not sleep with him again. I don't feel right doing that unless we are exclusive. I only did it on New Year's Eve due to one too many glasses of champagne and with the eurphoria of 2008 approaching - silly how it sounds. Do you think he still likes me, by the fact that in the morning he instigated holding my hands in public and kissing me goodbye in public at the train station - sorry I am girl and we do over analyze things.
s_n_d Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I think he still likes you..But the fear he has of commitment or getting hurt is definitely in his way..
torranceshipman Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Hey girl, I just posted a thread and we are in a really similar situation! Not sure what to suggest other than I think the guy I am with has the same fears as yours - he seems like he has a big fear of getting hurt in particular, so not sure what to do about it really....I think I might do the sensible thing like you and while I might not go NC this time, I might just talk to him n say unless we're both ready for a R, we shouldnt be anything but 100% friends....good luck with your guy!
lbj123 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I too am going through a similar situation! My bf of 5 months broke up with me out of the blue, claiming that he wasn't ready to commit, and has since initiated contact with me on a very regular basis. My threads tell all the details in you want to read more. We have not been physical with each other since breaking up, however, we have plans to go out for dinner this week (he inititated taking me out to dinner for my bday). I've been giving a lot of thought to what may occur during dinner and how I'll handle it. Here are the three possibilities I've thought of: 1) If we have our dinner with no talk of our relationship and then simply say goodbye and part ways, then I think it'll be clear that he doesn't want to get back together now and is really just trying to be friends. If that is the case, then for me personally, I have no problem being on good terms with him and staying somewhat friendly, but I do not feel comfortable being in a "having contact virtually every day" friendship with him, because I still have feelings for him, and friendships are too difficult when one person wants more. So if that were the case, I think I would tell him the next day that I had fun at dinner and am glad we're in touch, but that i need some space for a while before just jumping into friends-mode. 2) If, at the end of dinner he tries to kiss me, I plan to stop him and tell him that I am happy to be on good terms with him, but I am not interested in casually hooking up with him and that he needs to figure out how he feels about me and what his intentions are. 3) The final scenerio I can think of is if he tells me over dinner that he wants to get back together, and if that happens i guess we'll just have to talk openly about both of our feelings and intentions and just see how the conversation goes. He is definitely on my mind, but I have also done a really good job of not waiting around for him and moving forward and being happy with all of the other great things in my life. I know I am not ready for a friendship though because I find myself getting excited when emails or phone calls pop up from him, which inevitably leads into the analyzing of our conversations, and the overall frustration at not being able to understand why we broke up in the first place. And thats just annoying, so I'd rather distance myself. Overall, if you still have feelings for him and are really attracted to him, I think it may be hard to switch over to being good friends, but you should do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
Jordane Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 lbj123, I think your "strategy" is a good one. You don't come off as bitter and angry by avoiding all contact but you have also set boundaries and expectations that you are not going to let him destroy.
Sashy Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Let him know where you stand. Let him know you are interested in a relationship, but also let him know you are going to move on with your life if he isn't dating you. Make sure, you don't become a freinds-with-benefits girl to him. I don't think it is a good idea to sleep with him. He might lose respect for you plus it would complicate things more if he isn't ready mentally & emotionally to be with you. Stay away from that unless he shows signs of genuine interest to make things work. I think you are doing the right thing by not contacting him and responding when he does contact. Once you start to feel that he is warming up and is being more responsive, then you can gradually start contacting him once in a while. It certainly looks like he is not ready at this stage. If you are comfortable being friends with him and so is he, then you could try that, but give it some time. Maybe a longer period of no-contact before you resume a friendship. I know all this is easier said than done, and things aren't always b&w in relationships.
Sashy Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Hi lbj, Your post helped me because I could relate to everything. It is also very admirable that you have everything quite straighened out.. esp. in the case when he does make a move on you. I think it is great that you intend to stop him and ask to consider his feelings and intentions before he does that. It is SO easy for us to get physically involved and then it leading to nowhere! This has always happened with me when he visited me. We'd invariably end up being intimate (but not sleeping and that is something that makes me want him even more, because he is so decent.) and after it's all over, my expectations would go very high, and I'd question him about why he got close to me when he doesn't even want to BE with me??? It is really tough when the person we love wants to be close to us. It is so hard to refuse. Infact, it is most of the time, ME who comes on to him, because afterall, I love him! It is almost as if I am not living in reality and am in denial. Reality hits when I find out that everything is still the same. We never moved forward. U r right. The "everyday phonecall" thing is tough! I am in that currently, and I know how that is. At one point, I want him to stop calling, and on the other hand, I want him to NOT stop calling. And how can I even move on, when I am getting his call everyday? Plus I am so afraid to lose him, if we become distant. It also makes me wonder - why does he call everyday anyway? Clearly, this is quite a close friendship with perhaps a teeny bit of emotions involved too right? This would keep any girls' hopes high. I think it is a good thing that you are not waiting around and have found many other things to feel great about in life. I think we all need to do that. To be happy no matter what. ---------------------------------- I too am going through a similar situation! My bf of 5 months broke up with me out of the blue, claiming that he wasn't ready to commit, and has since initiated contact with me on a very regular basis. My threads tell all the details in you want to read more. We have not been physical with each other since breaking up, however, we have plans to go out for dinner this week (he inititated taking me out to dinner for my bday). I've been giving a lot of thought to what may occur during dinner and how I'll handle it. Here are the three possibilities I've thought of: 1) If we have our dinner with no talk of our relationship and then simply say goodbye and part ways, then I think it'll be clear that he doesn't want to get back together now and is really just trying to be friends. If that is the case, then for me personally, I have no problem being on good terms with him and staying somewhat friendly, but I do not feel comfortable being in a "having contact virtually every day" friendship with him, because I still have feelings for him, and friendships are too difficult when one person wants more. So if that were the case, I think I would tell him the next day that I had fun at dinner and am glad we're in touch, but that i need some space for a while before just jumping into friends-mode. 2) If, at the end of dinner he tries to kiss me, I plan to stop him and tell him that I am happy to be on good terms with him, but I am not interested in casually hooking up with him and that he needs to figure out how he feels about me and what his intentions are. 3) The final scenerio I can think of is if he tells me over dinner that he wants to get back together, and if that happens i guess we'll just have to talk openly about both of our feelings and intentions and just see how the conversation goes. He is definitely on my mind, but I have also done a really good job of not waiting around for him and moving forward and being happy with all of the other great things in my life. I know I am not ready for a friendship though because I find myself getting excited when emails or phone calls pop up from him, which inevitably leads into the analyzing of our conversations, and the overall frustration at not being able to understand why we broke up in the first place. And thats just annoying, so I'd rather distance myself. Overall, if you still have feelings for him and are really attracted to him, I think it may be hard to switch over to being good friends, but you should do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
Jordane Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You said that if he stops calling you would feel as if you are losing him... you shouldn't be afraid of that. You are not currently dating and there is a chance that you never will again. Do not get your hopes up so high that you are absolutely crushed if it doesn't lead to anything else.
Author London Girl Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 My ex knows I am trying to move on as I am back on the dating site which is how we met. Infact he is still active on it, I casually mentioned if he had met up with any girls but he said no it does not feel right, he just enjoys the fun of chatting to girls and thats it. I think he has low self esteem and just too afraid to commit. I do feel stupid now for sleeping with him on NYE, I have more self respect than that and I certainly don't want him to feel I am easy. Looks like a few of us are in a similar situation so I think the best approach for us is to do no contact but do respond if they initate the contact but do not sleep with them unless they are prepared to offer us a relationship. I am not letting my ex have his cake and eat it. And by being his friend, I have no expectation from him. I need to protect my own heart. It's bloody hard though as I fancy the pants of him and get excited when he contacts me. Why can't things be simpler?
lbj123 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Hey London Girl! Just curious how its going for you? My advice my you and for myself was a lot easier said than done...we went out for dinner and had a wonderful perfect evening, which resulted in his spending the night at my place and us sleeping together. I'm not sure if I regret it. It all seemed to make sense and feel right, but I wonder if a different outcome will result now that we went back to being intimate so quickly. I have no idea what the future holds. Its so hard to know if you're making the right choices and to not second guess it.
Author London Girl Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Hey IBJ, nothing much to report as he has not been in touch since we last saw each other on NYE. So it's been around 2 weeks of no contact on either side! The fact that he has not been in touch has given me time to think and get back the control I felt I was losing. I don't know if he will get in touch but I've got a feeling he will but I will cross that bridge if and when he does. It was something he said when we were cuddling in bed on NYE that annoyed me and it made me think that I deserve better than this. He said in a joking tone "I guess we are not friends since we just had sex, more like **** buddies .." or something along those lines. It made me feel that he did not respect or care for me and he sounded like an arrogant twat. This guy pursued me, showering me with affection, buying me gifts and when I started to fall for him, the tables turned and I felt I was losing control. I deserve better than this and so do you! I thought to myself that I am attractive, have my own place, a great job, am a good person, funny and emotionally stable so why am I wasting my time on someone who is not over his ex/previous relationship and playing with my mind and cannot commit? I want someone who wants to be with me or at the very least give us a chance to see what would happen. You said you slept with your ex after dinner - to be honest I'm not surprised. There is nothing wrong with that but you need to think are you prepared to put up with the lack of commitment and the emotional mind games they give you? If you make it too easy for them or are always available they lose interest. I'm getting to that stage that if my ex makes any contact with me that I will not respond or give him an ultimatium that there is no point being in touch as he does not want a relationship and I do and I don't do casual flings as I deserve and know I can get better. More importantly I am not going to be his back up plan.
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