Capricciosa Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I've been seeing this guy for just over two months. He came on very strong from the very beginning, and within a month was declaring his love, trying to plan a life with me. I liked him a lot, but I just didn't have those overwhelming feeiings, and the more he insisted he loved me and missed me and needed to see me, the more I felt like pulling back. How can you fall in love with someone who won't give you the time and space to do it? In any case, we kept going, though the holidays brought up a lot of stress (his birthday, christmas and new years in one week). We even had a fight on new years eve and he did not come out to the party I'd invited him to because it was "not normal" for me to want to meet him at 9pm--a couple should have been together earlier, I guess. He then said he'd never really agreed to come with me. Anyway, things have been pretty tense since, we've been arguing a lot, and today he sent an email saying he couldn't deal with the pain and uncertainty of whether I was ever going to love him, so he was letting me go, and if I ever felt ready, he'd be open. I'm sort of sad, I'm sort of relieved, because it was a lot of pressure. For the record, this whole time I've been seeing at least twice a week, talking to him on the phone, and staying in contact by email, and trying to include him in some of my social life with friends. But no, I'm not in love--not yet, and under these conditions, not sure whether it can happen. So should I let this guy go, as he is letting me go? Is there anything good that could come of this at this stage given the dynamic that has been established (him wanting more, me wanting less)? He said he'd be willing to see a counsellor with me, but two months into a relationship? This seems like a bad sign to me. So he's waiting for my reply, and I don't know what to reply. My first instinct was to try and patch things up, but I'm not sure what I would be signing up for if I did. Any suggestions out there? Thanks in advance.
oppath Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about this, although your feelings seem more appropriate. Twice a week is not too little at this point in time, it is a good balance 2 months in. And it is perfectly reasonable you do not love him yet. Honestly, I think people need to wait up until 8 months or so to bail if you don't feel the other person is loving you. For me, I can't genuinely love someone, based on my definition of love which includes "if something were to happen to me in my career or extended family, whatever happens, I'd want us to stay together." So for me, I start feeling love around 4-6 months. Before that is too soon and a woman won't scare me away, it just takes me time, and it is perfectly reasonable that you need more time. 2 months? He seems way too attached if he is dumping you over this. I can understand his point a little bit regarding New Years. He wants to feel like he is a priority and I can imagine wanting more time as last year, I was in a similar situation only 6 months in, but it was a different context as I too had my birthday that same week, and when I asked "when can we exchange Christmas gifts and celebrate my birthday" she said "I don't know. I'm busy. I told you I have things to do this weekend. New Year's I guess." That didn't sit well with me and them be fighting words. However, to just dump you over email and not want to talk it out...that is odd. Do you know his relationship history? At 2 months it is perfectly reasonable to say "I like where this is going, I love the adventures we have and look forward to having more with you, and I do hope this develops into a serious relationship, but it's too soon for me to say I love you, though I am developing feelings." If he can't handle that, I'd walk away. Where you are at emotionally is more than acceptable and seeing him twice a week at this point is fine.
Author Capricciosa Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 I can understand his point a little bit regarding New Years. He wants to feel like he is a priority and I can imagine wanting more time as last year, I was in a similar situation only 6 months in, but it was a different context as I too had my birthday that same week, and when I asked "when can we exchange Christmas gifts and celebrate my birthday" she said "I don't know. I'm busy. I told you I have things to do this weekend. New Year's I guess." That didn't sit well with me and them be fighting words. Thanks Oppath. I spent his birthday with him, made him a cake, bought him a couple of gifts. Christmas was 2 days later, and though I chose to spend Christmas eve by myself, we spent Christmas day together. A the last minute he tried to get me to go to his family thing, which he had repeatedly said he didn't want to go to--too soon for me. I cooked, gave him another gift, and we had a nice time. So by New Years I thought it was acceptable that we meet somewhere and go to a party then go home together later, but he spun out, and I freaked out, but then tried to make up and he wouldn't really let me. He's had a few long term relationships, and we're not talking about a young guy here, but someone approaching mid-life. He tells me he's still friends with most of his exes, but he doesn't really have any friends in this city. His way has been to flood me with emails of all his feelings, then all his frustrations. I'm wondering if this is a way to get me to react, to come running back. I agree, doing this over email is bad. We had a fight over the phone last night, then seem to have made up. But I feel that if I cannot give him what he wants, which is everything, he cannot continue.
latefragment Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 well... if your first instinct was to try and patch things up, maybe you should. But I think what you really want is a little space from all the relentless pressure and declarations of love, so that you can "breathe" a little. It's sad because I've been on both sides of the equation (currently in his shoes, at this point, blech) and I don't know what to say. I mean, it seems like you've been trying to communicate with him about this but he's not willing to listen and see that you are willing to give it a go - you just need a little space and time. I think that what you'd be willing to give him is tremendous - a commitment to the new relationship. That's WAY MORE than most people could give - I mean, many others would just view it as a "side dish" and then dump him when they've found someone else, but you're willing to see it through. You're just not ready to say I love you. I don't know, if he seems reluctant to accept that you need more space, and you've tried to ask him for more space, then I guess I wouldn't pursue it any further, though I would Definitely talk to him and tell him (once again) where you stand. I wish that the current dude who's doing this to me could offer what you could offer... LOL, sadly I think it's over [goes off to cry again]. LOL. (But really, the situation is a bit different - I haven't um... shall we say, ... "smothered" this guy at all... but I think he has felt a lot of pressure anyways .)
Author Capricciosa Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 well... if your first instinct was to try and patch things up, maybe you should. But I think what you really want is a little space from all the relentless pressure and declarations of love, so that you can "breathe" a little. Thanks, LF. I do need space from the relentless pressure, especially since he's been getting angrier and angrier at me because I cannot reciprocate. I too have been on the other side, and know how it can make a person crazy. But every time I say no to something he wants (like yesterday I said we could see each other Sat or Sun, but not both), he interprets this as a rejection and that nothing will ever come of our relationship because I am unwilling to trust him, or communicate with him, or commit. I'm not seeing anyone else, not interested in seeing anyone else, but just need something lighter than what is being proposed. It seems like I'm destined to get too much or nothing at all. I'm not ready to say I love you because that's not what I feel. I feel like, and I love things about him. He's a good guy, and generous, and supportive, and interesting. But the anger and accusations are not feeling very good. Nor are the flip flops. I thought we were ok when we got off the phone last night, only to wake up and find out that is not at all the case.
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