Pasteltulips Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 We dated 6 months, Well it would be 6 months tomorrow. Last weekend she said we had to talk, she said we need a break. First I want to say I am so in-love with her. I love being with her. I am 28 and I've never been in-love so this is killing me.The situation: Okay I live with my uncle, she lives with her parents. I am going to school majoring in C.J. graduating in June. I run my own business cleaning. Every weekend for 2 nights, I would go to her house in which her mom, dad, 33 year old brother, and her nephew who is 8 lived there. Her family is great. They are a family I've only dreamed of. Her mom is from Scotland, her dad was in the Navy and they are now retired. They are a very close family. My girlfriend and her brother were adopted. The parents dont have any family living here. They all are in Scotland and Florida. So they are all they got. Anyhow I was accepted into the family. On the weekend, In the mornings over coffee, I spent alot of time talking with her mom and my girlfriend. Her mom would ask alot of questions about me and my past and I was honest because I wanted to be accepted and didn't want to hold anything back to be found out later. Well I've had a bad past, with abuse, being poor, moved around like gypsies with my mom, never really had any friends cause of moving around alot, I've had alot of people abandon me...etc... So I was honest and felt very comfortable talking to them about all this. After I did I felt violated, vulnerable and scared and it showed in our relationship. I'm thinking now it was a huge mistake to open up like that for it backfired on me. Last weekend when she told me we need a break she told me that she can't be there while I am bettering myself. She told me I need a therapist. She said I was driving her crazy and yes I was. I was so scared that she'd leave me that I drove her to. Another mistake I made was I compared how she loved her family to how she loved me. She wasn't affectionate much with me and she told me this is just how she was but..... I'd see her go up to her nephew and brother and rub their head and tell them she loved them or she would go up to them and ask how they were, She hasn't once came up to me and told me she loved me, or touch me when I walked by, etc... But she would text that she loved me daily. Another issue was I felt she wasn't totally comfortable talking to me. She told me she was a quiet person. But...She would tell her mom how her day at work was with stories but when she called me on her lunch I would ask her how it was and she would just say fine and thats all. See I could accept all this if I thought that it wasn't directed towards me. One night me her, her brother and his girlfriend went to the club. I kept trying to get her to dance but she wouldn't but when her brother said come on she went out there. One thing I can say is she really looks up to her brother he is funny and cracks her up I wish I could make her feel that way. Now she did take me out to dinner a few times, movies, everytime I asked her to do something fun she wouldn't do it less her nephew went and when we did that she didnt even pay attention to me it was just her and him playing games, I was an outsider. I dont understand cause she tells me she loves me, she has me in her house, she texts me throughout the day. Well now we are on a break we are still in touch, I don't text her half as much as I used to. She texts me but neither of us talk about what happened which she dont talk about feelings anyhow. Tonight we are going to dinner. I just dunno if I should talk about wanting to be back with her? I probably should just try and have fun and be appealing to her cause I want her back more than anything but should I act like it doesn't bother me? I dunno I am so confused plz help. I am in therapy now, I'm continuing to live my life. I was a mess for a few days but I am getting better. Hope you can read through this mess I just kinda typed it up really fast. Plz Help Thanks.
TigerCub Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Sorry you're hurting I'm not the expert on getting people back after a break up, but something that kind of occured to me from reading your post is that maybe you are more in love with the idea of belonging to her "world" - her close nit family where everyone seems happy and affectionate and secure - than you are in love with HER. I dunno, that just kind of popped out because you mentioned that your past wasn't that happy and you compare yourself to her brother and nephew, so maybe you really need to evaluate why you feel so strongly about her Don't get me wrong, she could be a great girl and you could love her, but feeling jealous of the affection/attention she gives her brother shouldn't be an issue - I mean she's known her brother all her life, she's known you for 6 months. So that's why I think there is a bigger issue in the background. As for what you should do at dinner with her - I guess you could tell her that you miss her, but I wouldn't ask her to get back together or anything because if she needed a break, it was for a reason, and maybe if you let her know that she's missed and that you still care while giving her her breathing room - that might help. Hope this helps Good luck
s_n_d Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Sorry you're hurting I'm not the expert on getting people back after a break up, but something that kind of occured to me from reading your post is that maybe you are more in love with the idea of belonging to her "world" - her close nit family where everyone seems happy and affectionate and secure - than you are in love with HER. I dunno, that just kind of popped out because you mentioned that your past wasn't that happy and you compare yourself to her brother and nephew, so maybe you really need to evaluate why you feel so strongly about her Don't get me wrong, she could be a great girl and you could love her, but feeling jealous of the affection/attention she gives her brother shouldn't be an issue - I mean she's known her brother all her life, she's known you for 6 months. So that's why I think there is a bigger issue in the background. As for what you should do at dinner with her - I guess you could tell her that you miss her, but I wouldn't ask her to get back together or anything because if she needed a break, it was for a reason, and maybe if you let her know that she's missed and that you still care while giving her her breathing room - that might help. Hope this helps Good luck I agree. You should give her as much space as possible but at the same time you need to let her know you love her and miss her etc etc..
sedgwick Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 You can't expect someone you've been with for less than six months to love you like she loves her family. She's been with them for a lifetime. She knows she can trust them. Your relationship with her hasn't stood the test of time. Real love is something that grows as you go through things together. If she asked for space, give it to her. I know it sucks, but it's really the only thing you can do.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I agree with Sedgwick. Also, most of the time when someone says I need space you can surmise you probably won't get back together. That's not saying it can't happen, but from what I've experienced it more often does not happen. Cheerio!
Author Pasteltulips Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 I met her for dinner lastnight, everything went good! We talked and I basically explained myself. I asked her if she missed me. She said yes. So we had a good conversation, a nice dinner, and before we left I said can I have a hug, She leaned in, I said ya know I want a kiss, and yep we kissed. It felt like the first time. We both agreed to take it slow. Wow I have learned alot by losing her, Ya know, that saying, you don't know what you got til its gone is soooo true. When she left I realized what I was doing to her and she had no choice but to leave. I realized she is soo amazing. So I am pretty sure the love is still there. Thanks 2 those that replied. :0)
EhiPassiko Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Yes. This hurts. Its so painful to realize that the person that you absolutely adore is not reciprocating your love. It seems to me that some people (your ex) create situations where they try so hard to love the other person (you) that they keep the other person around and attempt to incorporate them into their daily lives as much as possible because they know that 'something' is there, but they are not sure what. She may be going through a phase where she tells herself things like "he is a great guy and i know that he loves me, so why do I not feel close to him? perhaps this is just all in my head and I'm being too rash." This is why they stick around, bring you over, and send texts. They are conflicted and they can't put their finger on why. But based on what I've read, she seems to have been SHOWING you rather than TELLING you all that you needed to know. Sometimes we put ourselves in situations where we endure mean character traits or behaviors because we love the person. So we sacrifice our own sense of who we are in order to appease that other person. But what happened to YOUR feelings? We ignore the selfishness of the other person because we want to show them that we are selfless and in the process lose our sense of who we are. Let's run down the list... Please mentally note which ones you answer YES to: Do you want to feel loved? Do you want to be affectionate towards your significant other? Do you feel like your significant other should be affectionate towards you? Do you want to be honest about who you are without fear of judgment? Do you want your SO to be open and honest with you? Do you want to dance with your SO whenever you want to without fear of being rejected? (you get the picture here, yes?) These are things that you should not sacrifice for anyone, dear. You are a prize! Remember that! She is not doing you any favors by being in your life simply because you didn't come from an idyllic home. In fact, because you came from a rather rocky background, it has probably made you that much more compassionate, understanding and patient of others. Kudos to you! But don't confuse those things with losing yourself over "loving" someone else. Therapy is good for getting out your feelings, crying, and letting it out, so do what you must to get to the place where you need to be. Ultimately, any sort of small contact you have with this girl will continue to create a space for you to try to sort out your feelings in her presence. The time to do that is by yourself, not with the person who has prompted the introspection. I propose that you make a clean break. Some people call it a he-tox or a she-tox. You cannot possibly heal your wounds if you continue to re-open them by seeing her. You think that it is doing you some good, yes? Maybe she'll see you one night and think, man, I really miss this guy! I want to get back together with him! As much as I don't want to say this, and as much as I know you're going to hate to hear it, she has already made up her mind about not being with you. AND THAT IS OK!!!!! YOU ARE A PRIZE REMEMBER??? You deserve to be treated with love and kindness and this is neither. So do yourself a favor: find the strength to just break those ties. Give yourself several months to get clear. Become re-acquainted with YOU! You are worth all of the time and love that you provide and there are people out there who will recognize that and never make you feel less than! Good blessings and may your days be filled with clarity and love.
EhiPassiko Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Well then, as I posted, you posted! I wish you all of the best with whatever happens! But try to keep what I've written in mind. Sometimes things people do are much more expressive than things that they say! NAMASTE!
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