An Introvert's Struggle in an Extrovert's World

[syd_sans]

I wrote this long-ish rant for fellow introverts to read, I apologise in advance if it offends any extroverts. The following is purely my own opinions and not based on anything other than the thoughts in my head.

 

It's obvious that today's society is dominated by the extroverts' standards and norms and why wouldn't it be? They jump at the opportunity to be heard, they’re the ones in the public eye and taking the lead whilst we linger in the background doing the hard work and letting them take the credit. As extroverts seem unable to comprehend our preference for peace and quiet, we introverts are forced to put on an act for the extroverts to keep them from jumping at us for being too quiet and subsequently trying to convert us to extroversion (seemingly, our introversion makes them uncomfortable). Whilst the extroverts may feel obliged to fill every quiet moment with often content-less talk, we do not feel that necessity. Some people say that introverts and extroverts can partner together to balance one another out but I view things differently. Why compromise your true self trying to accommodate for someone who differs to your personality on a fundamental level when there are fellow introverts who are also longing to find someone to accept them for who they are? Wouldn’t it be nice to be with someone who understands that you don’t want to go out to that party? Or someone who recognises that the world’s not going to come to an end if there are moments of silence?

 

Why do we introverts adhere to extroverts’ models for dates when clearly it is an unnatural model for us? Having acknowledged the fact that I am an introvert and being comfortable with it, I therefore seek a fellow introvert who realises that there’s no need to pretend to be an extrovert. How do you expect someone else to accept you for who you are if you can't accept yourself? Imagine the scene – two people at a beach alone, there’s a gentle warm breeze, the sun is slowly setting into the grand, majestic ocean and they're sitting underneath a palm tree. Instead of spoiling this moment with unnecessary small talk, two introverts could just lay there, taking in the serenity, the ambience, enjoying each other’s company and that's all they need. If you truly connect with someone, words are not necessary for communication, you would just... know. So now we have the “two introverts” problem, with both shying away from social interaction, where are these two "perfect for one another" people going to meet? Even if they do meet it’s likely that neither party is willing to express interest in the fear of rejection. Unfortunately, our very nature makes it quite difficult for us to meet “the one”. This is where the medium you’re most likely to be reading this article comes into play – the internet. The internet takes away many of the prohibiting factors which prevent an introvert from expressing his or herself. The face to face interaction is replaced with a certain element of anonymity (an amount to the individual's choosing), the need for an immediate response is removed allowing us to come with a response which actually has substance and best of all you don’t need to stab in the dark hoping to find someone like-minded. One can read up on another’s interests, likes and dislikes before even needing to make that initial greeting ensuring that your time's not wasted on someone whose sole interest is to go out clubbing and get "wasted".

 

We introverts should get together and unite and raise a sort of introvert awareness; let the extroverts know that we’re not “stuck up” or “hostile” just because we don’t want to engage in their often meaningless small talk. This is just the way we are, I'm sick of people telling me to liven up, we don't force you to be quiet, so don't force us to be loud. Although we’re a minority, we are a sizeable minority, together, introverts number in the billions. However, closer examination of this suggestion shows that it is somewhat paradoxical; joining together to form a large group is against the basic principles of introversion, the avoidance of large groups is why we’re introverted in the first place. Hopefully, one day us introverts can realise that a date with a fellow introvert doesn't need to fulfil the requirements of extroverts' standards (i.e. non-stop conversation) in order to be a success.

 

I'm interested in what other introverts have to say on the matter, so if you're an introvert, reading this and have something to say, don't be a stranger, please feel free to voice your opinion(s). Extroverts can add their voice too . An a bit about myself so you know where I'm coming from... I'm 19, an Aussie born Asian, a student and no, I've never had any females interested in me. Irrespective of that, I stand firm in my beliefs about not changing who I am and hope (however unlikely that is) that I will find someone who is like-minded.

 

As an afterthought, I don't know how accurate this observation is, but to me, it seems that introverts typically have better spelling/grammar. Perhaps, in the extrovert's rush to be heard they go for quantity over quality resulting in phrases like the highly ironical "your stupid".

[StartingOver07]

Syd, have you seen this article: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

 

This is the best explanation/description of introversion I have seen.

[phoensam]

Syd, have you seen this article: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

 

This is the best explanation/description of introversion I have seen.

 

I read the article and was surprised to see how many of us there are! Whenever I go to the movies on my own I look around to see how many other people are sitting on their own, and I notice there are usually quite a few, so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.

 

It's funny, but I too have been thinking about writing something about how extroverts just don't get us. It really can drive you crazy. The one that bugs me the most is the extrovert who believes their company is so fantastic, that you couldn't possibly resist it...they don't get that we don't want to spend alot of time with anyone, no matter how interesting they might be! They really don't seem to get how we can enjoy being alone.

 

I rented a cabin in the woods (so to speak) this summer and the landlady had a suite downstairs. She was always wanting to do things with me and it drove me nuts, Early on she said to me that she was a real extrovert, and i told her i was a serious introvert. But still, she bombarded me with invitations to do things almost every day...it actually ruined my time at the cabin. aaarrrggghhhh.

 

I go on vacations by myself a fair bit, love doing it!! But once in awhile people tell me they feel sorry for me on my own...it spins me out...lol...I actually feel sorry for them, seeing them in their large groups, having to make conversation to each other all day!! I love travelling on my own, it feels so indulgent to me. Prefer reading a book while eating, than talking to most people. I can't help this, it's the way I'm programmed@!!!

 

When I am out, usually on my own, lol, I am not at all shy though, and can talk to strangers, alot some times. But as long as I know the plane ride will end and they won't expect more from me, then that's ok. So, I think it comes as a real shock to people to discover I am an introvert, as it's not always obvious to most people immediately for me, unless perhaps they meet me at a large party, then it might be more obvious.

 

And I hate when people make the assumption we are depressed, I am never depressed and I think most introverts are probably mentally healthier than extroverts as we don't need the approval of others to be happy. We just need some alone time, thanks very much...lol.

 

When it comes to dating, I try to avoid extroverts...if they want to go to parties, dinners etc all week, they are not for me (and internet dating does let you know this about people pretty quickly). I simply couldn't do that and be happy. To me social events feel like chores, but that's not to say I don't enjoy some of them. I cancel social engagements frequently, which gets many people angry at me, but I can't seem to help myself....I feel so guilty when I do this as I'm sure people take it personally.

 

All my life, when things have gone wrong with me, I just want to be alone...not to be sad and depressed, but to get happy! Why don't people get this????

 

I think us introverts are also alot more likely to be single, as because we are so comfortable on our own, we find it easier to dispose of unsuitable partners. Thoughts on this???

[Els]

Thumbs up to you, syd! The whole piece felt like something that I would have written myself, had I managed to sort out the thoughts in my head. Well, except for the better grammar/spelling part; that does sound rather presumptous.

 

I'd never understood the stereotypical concept of dating. The idea of hanging out in bars to be picked up, of playing 'the game' and flirting and going to parties to 'network and widen the social circle'... it seemed so alien to me that I honestly never gave two hoots about it. I stumbled across my bf purely by accident in college, not through clubs or parties or activites or any of the common means. Before that, it never even struck me that I wanted one.

 

I think introvertism is harder on girls than on guys, especially in Asian countries. Girls seem to have this tendency to flock together, to make small talk more, to keep to social graces and courtesies more. A male seen holidaying or even eating together wouldn't be looked askance, but more than once I've been driven away from my comfortable solitude by queer looks from passers-by (or am I merely imagining that they give me queer looks? hmm, food for thought).

 

And yes, I do think we tend to be single more... after all, the more people you meet, and the more like the norm you are, the higher chance of meeting someone who relates to you, right?

[fishtaco]

I thought introvert/extrovert is more than just the how much you talk? I guess I'm an extrovert now. I have a giant social life, good chunk of my free time is dedicated toward keeping in touch and spending time with the people I know, but I don't talk much (does that make me in introvert?). I chime in once in a while to say something to make people laugh, I never talk to just talk. Mainly people like me because I show up to their invitations, I help them when they need me, and most importantly, I'm easy going and not judgmental. So I think the OP's introvert/extrovert post is based a bit too much on generalizations.

 

People don't think in terms of introvert/extrovert, they think in terms of who they like to hang out with. It's not like I'm going meet a chick that I get a really good vibe from and that I enjoy spending time with... until the day I found out she's an introvert!!! Then I had to cut off all contact.

 

But I'd think it'd be difficult for introverts to meet new people. I'm fine with introverts. It's not like they piss me off and I must change them. I doubt many people are like that. My attitude is I'm going out partying tonight. You're invited. If you come along, we'll have a good time, if not, maybe next time. But I'll be damned if I stay home and play scrabble on a Friday night. My advice to my non-partying and possibly introverted friends is that make sure you won't regret it 10 years later. Our time on this earth is limited. If you think you'll miss partying, then better do it now. If not, then more power to you.