Hopless fool Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 i kinda feel dumb for asking but...how would i know if i was the "rebound guy" (sorry i have no idea how to explain the situation....but i could try if it would help)
Phateless Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 i kinda feel dumb for asking but...how would i know if i was the "rebound guy" (sorry i have no idea how to explain the situation....but i could try if it would help) The most obvious indicator is if she jumps levels hella fast once you guys get together. If you skip the whole getting to know you/casual dating step and jump straight into hanging out all day every single day... sometimes it's because you guys are meant for each other, but often times it's because she's rebounding out of a serious relationship. You're probably best suited to make that judgment call. Keep your eyes and heart open... If you're asking this question, chances are you intuitively know that you are. Oh, and she'll probably be pretty clingy too.
Author Hopless fool Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 thanks thats exactly what i needed plus nice quick responce....
Phateless Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 thanks thats exactly what i needed plus nice quick responce.... Welcome, hope it helps. I'm sure by morning there will be some other perspectives for you as well. Go out and meet some other girls, it will help to take the urgency out of making this one work and giving you a clearer head with which to make a decision.
TigerCub Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Well one way you could find out is to bring out the "relationship" converstation where you guys talk about your longest relationships and when your last relationship ended and see if hers ended many months ago or ... a few weeks ago.
oppath Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Quite honestly -- I used to fear this because I didn't want to talk about my history -- it's perfectly acceptable, and even a good idea, to ask on a 3rd date, lets say, "so when was your last relationship?" It may be too soon for you to press for details about it, but you are entitled to know if it ended months ago or a week before you! And how she answers may be telling to her state. But honestly, most relationships in our lives do not work out and sometimes we are quick to label the relationship as a rebound. I agree with Phateless's suggestion, are they really intense, really quick, with their emotions? Does she still talk to her ex a lot? Do they hang out and are you invited, but not out of spite to hurt his feelings? Does she eventually incorporate you into all of her friendship groups, telling people about you? Those things are ambiguous, and if she does them the first month or two, it may be a rebound, but then if she DOES NOT do them as your relationship progresses, I would take that as a sign that she does not have enough room in her heart for you (or just isn't into you).
Florida Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 (edited) Sometimes rebound relationships work, so I think it can be used as an excuse to say "rebound" as the sole reason it failed, although, it could be valid reason for failure too. All the points made above were really good, it's good to know for your own protection, so you can set the pace a bit slower. If the relationship is meant to be, it won't suffer from having a slower pace set. The rebounder seems to set the pace, so just know you don't *have* to go along with it. Nothing good comes from rushing. The exceptions are just that-the exceptions. Edited January 5, 2008 by Florida
EYECANDY000 Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Start a conversation about relationships, and see when was the last time she was in one ! if she just gotten out of a relationship recently and she wants to hang out all the time more than likely you are the rebound guy. She is trying to spend as much time as she can with someone to get her mind off of her ex
brothermartin Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I figured out I was probably the rebound guy when she started "finding" reasons I wasn't "the one." Hope that helps.
oppath Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Find out when their relationship ended and point blank ask her "do you think you are ready for another relationship?"If she is very intense with her feelings very soon, be cautiousIf she is still in contact with the ex -- even if it didn't end on bad terms -- be cautiousIf you feel like she is not including you in part of her life, i.e. mutual friends of the ex, be cautious Just because you are the first person she dated after the breakup does not mean you were a rebound or transitional relationship. It mostly means things did not work out, as most relationships end. But I do think things are LESS likely to work out immediately after a relationship, even if the person was the dumper. But if there is a slow and steady beginning, and she integrates you into her life after a couple months, then I don't feel it was a rebound relationship, unless she specifically dumps you because she wants to date and play the field but was unable to because she was in a long term relationship before you. If she uses her last relationship as an excuse for the breakup after committing to you or leading you on, then you were a rebound (or she's just a coward). If she says "this isn't working out. I feel we are too different" etc, then it was not.
Lee725 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) i kinda feel dumb for asking but...how would i know if i was the "rebound guy" I just came out of one of these, here were just SOME of my indicators: *He wanted to be with me ALL the time straight after we met. He is a shift worker and would drive an hour at 2am after work just to come and sleep beside me and then leave at 7 am, if he wasnt coming down he wanted me to drive up & i would sit with his fam, go to bed and be there when he got home. *Straight (day 3+) away he was talking LONG TERM, moving down to be with me, talking different things that would be LONG TERM. *The big indicator: he started talking about "why would my EX do this?", "Why would my EX do that?", i should have been smarter but me trying to be the caring nice friend helped him through it. He needed a counsellor, not a new GF. If he was over her, he would not have been thinking about her and analyzing what went wrong. *Constantly talking irrellevant stuff about his EX, they had a 2.5yr old son some conversation could not be helped. *Happily Introducing me to his parents & family 6 DAYS after we met. *TXT messaging her about irrellevant stuff *getting his haircut by her (yeo there are a shortage of hairdressers here LOL) *(didnt fond this one out till later), only been broken up with his EX of 10yrs for 2 weeks before meeting me. the time in between both of you and the amount of time they spent with theor EX is important. *He had to see his EX everyday for child swapping (care arrangements), but everyday after seeing her he was down in the dumps, every day something new was wrong. It was emotionally draining. *in the end it was irrational behaviour, really lame excuses for not contacting me and where he was at certain times, he was so intense at the start that he had run out of steam, but didnt want to get rid of me because i was a support blanket for him. Would you believe this guy, broke it off with me on the 28th DEC (thankfully), then 5 days later started asking me (via TXT) for more advice and help on how to get over his EX. I sat this guy down MORE THAN once and told him i did not think he could possibly be ready for me. My red flags in my brain were flying high. Each time he convinced me that he was ready & that it was over with him and his ex, he seemed so perfect in every other way that i wanted to believe him & i did untill it all came apart. Thankfully it did not go on longer than it did. Trust your instincts on this one, run, or atleast back off to a safe distance for a while. Dont do what i just did and put all your faith into it only to be crushed in the end despite your own missgivings about the whole situation. Good luck with it. Edited January 6, 2008 by Lee725
HisLove Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 If you were in a committed relationship, I think it takes at least a year to get clear of that and ready for the next one. I've found for myself now, that if somebody is interested in me and they haven't been single for at least a year, then I'm not going to risk getting involved with them. They may swear black and blue and that they are 'over' their last lover. I haven't found that to usually be true even if they were the one to end it. You could ask her about her history pattern...does she usually hook up with a new partner fairly soon after the last one? How can you possibly love somebody deeply one week, and then have deep feelings for somebody the next? It takes a while to get out of old familiar patterns and to grieve over the loss of a significant relationship.
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