Separated 2 years, divorce finalized last month, ex just asked me out on a date...!!!

[Animated]

My ex-husband and I have known each other for 5+ years, we were married only for about 1.5 years before we separated 2 years ago. For the first 8 months we barely talked as the separation was very tough. Then we began talking and started seeing each other occasionally.

 

After the first year, we decided to give it a try at getting back together but then he found out a box of condoms under my cover and could not bare the idea I had slept with someone else. (In my defense when we broke up I thought we were done for good.) So we broke up again and this time we began the divorce proceedings, during which time we continued talking and slept together in several occasions.

 

This time around even though we were pursuing a divorce, I purposely didn't date anyone because I always harbored the idea of reconciling and didn't want to ruin any chances, given his first reaction. Even though he began dating, and in fact met someone who he slept with without me knowing about (understandable).

 

The thing is that our divorce became final just last month, just in time for the end of the year and a new beginning. Tonight he called and we spent two hours on the phone talking, we had a heart to heart conversation and he brought up all these feeling he has for me and I ask why, because what's the point??? I mean we're divorced and it's final now, anyway, I guess we still love each other (we've known this all along), and there's fear, but also hope.

 

The bottom line is that he asked me out tomorrow night for a date. Am I completely crazy to even consider going down this road again? I have clearly stated what I want, which is exactly what I have always wanted, marriage and kids. So he knows this. Is it reasonable to think we can actually make things work for real? I'm just curious what other's experiences are like. Thank you in advance for your comments.

Edited January 5, 2008 by Animated
added paragraph returns

[PWSX3]

Here are two examples to show you what can happen.

 

1) My cousin was married to this lady, they got divorced, both remarried, then divorced, then they started dating again & they got remarried & are still married now.

 

2) A co-worker I used to work with got married, had kids, things didn't work so they got divorced. Now they live together, she calls him her roommate, which is what he is. She said they get along better now then they ever did when they were married. She is the type of person that doesn't like anyone telling them what to do & I guess that is what he used to do. Now he can't do that & they get a long great.

 

Not sure what the living situation is, but like I said they are roommates, she does her thing & he does his.

 

I feel people can be friends even after a marriage, but if your goals are to be married & have kids maybe this person isn't the right one for that, but you could still be friends.

[Animated]

Thank you PWSX3, I appreciate your sharing.

 

In order for me to move on and build my life elsewhere, I can't be friends with my ex. I will have to let go of him completely before I can move on. He knows this too as being friends just brings us closer and the hope of reconciling.

 

Not being ready to fully let go makes me wonder that we may still have a chance to rebuilding our relationship. After all we chose to be married, yet we also chose to get divorce...

 

I always thought that if got back together, we would be that much stronger than we were before because of what we had overcome (the separation and now the divorce)... anyway, I guess only time will tell.

[PWSX3]

The first & most important thing is taking care of yourself & only you knows what you want.

 

Then once you get that straight then you can move on from there. There is that chance that maybe your XH is finding out that he made a mistake, there is that chance your XH found out the grass isn't as green on the other side.

 

Not sure what your situation was but if you feel that you need the time to heal then make it clear to him that is what you want.

 

Now is the time to set those boundaries that you need & then stick to them. You are in control of your life & you are the one that makes the choices.

[Animated]

Thank you, thank you very much!

 

I am trying to listen to my heart and observe my emotions about all of this. I want to make sure I make a wise choice considering not only what brought us together in the first place, but what actually tore us apart.

 

I think healing is definitely a healthy approach and a first step towards a more soulful and lasting union.

[sadhubby]

im hearing lots of stories from freinds and others strangers i meet during work. my buddy tells me tonight that when his parents were around the 14th year his mom cheated on his dad twice so they seperated. got back together then she walked in on him doing some women. they reconciled and the score was even. they are still together 25 years now maybe in some cases this can actually make a marriage stronger?? another fellow told me around the 8th year him and his wife couldnt be in the same room together they seperated she kiked him out of the house he paid 500 in child support a week. they both saw somebody else then about a year went buy and they started tallking became freinds again dated and are on there 13th year now he said in a way it was the best thing to ever happen to them,now they apreciate each other. do people communicate better with each other after they hurt each other really bad. maybe if you can work through these problems instead of brushing them under the carpet there is hope, i still have hope mine will wake up some day.

[Trialbyfire]

Animated, what caused the dissolution of your marriage?

[Animated]

Hi all, thanks again for your feedback.

 

I think that in order to build a successful relationship, both people have to actively contribute in positive ways. I also think it us human to err, and I believe that we have an opportunity to learn something about ourselves through the people in our lives and the experiences we share.

 

On the other hand every couple goes through adjustment times and when one doesn't realize this, it can be easy to panic and feel as if everything is falling apart. With open communication, meaningful interaction, respect and love I think these challenges can be overcome.

 

Looking at my relationship in hindsight, I learned that when my ex and I were married, I had fears that proved unfounded once we were separated. I realized that I re-acted and made choices out of fear. By choices I mean the focus in "choosing our battles" which by the way, I never understood the meaning of this phrase until it was too late.

 

In my experience, we both re-acted with attitudes that didn't allow us to find a resolution to our issues and I think the breakdown of our marriage had to do with not knowing how to resolve the conflicts we encountered, in addition to allowing them to escalate, and to grow distance between us.

 

As a consequence we had miscommunication and adopted negative attitudes towards each other that caused resentment, distance, anger and unhappiness. To a point that we both became so unhappy, we couldn't see clear anymore.

 

Without getting into specifics I believe this is in essence, what caused the breakdown of our relationship.

 

I realize that if we get back together, chances are the issues we had will most likely still be there. On the other hand I believe we have grown wiser and if we indeed choose to go for it, we will both have a bigger perspective in mind, and like "sadhubby" said we could learn to appreciate each other better. In addition to learning to be more tolerant since we already know each other, perhaps a new level of acceptance and understanding can also be reached...?

 

Anyway, I'm taking things one day at the time and hoping for the best, one way or another...

Edited January 6, 2008 by Animated