watchconcierge Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I remember hearing several years ago that those of us who have the most difficult time in breakups are those who put our significant others on top of a pedestal. If we put them on top of a pyramid and fill that pyramid with other things like friends, family, sports, social activities, etc., then we won't feel such a sense of loss if/when we lose them... because they won't be the absolute most important thing in our worlds. They may be the most important, but barely... there should be some close seconds and thirds and fourths. We need to maintain relationships with friends and family and co-workers THROUGHOUT our relationships. Don't turn your back on these people, put your significant other on a pedestal, and then expect them to be there for you if you experience a breakup. Maintain your own life. Keep social activities. If you like working out, don't give it up for your gf/bf so you can spend more time with them. They learned to like you while you were doing that. This goes for other things, too. The point is to stay balanced and don't put your love interest on top of the pedestal and the pain shouldn't be so bad. There's my ten cents worth. T
redblack66 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I remember hearing several years ago that those of us who have the most difficult time in breakups are those who put our significant others on top of a pedestal. If we put them on top of a pyramid and fill that pyramid with other things like friends, family, sports, social activities, etc., then we won't feel such a sense of loss if/when we lose them... because they won't be the absolute most important thing in our worlds. They may be the most important, but barely... there should be some close seconds and thirds and fourths. We need to maintain relationships with friends and family and co-workers THROUGHOUT our relationships. Don't turn your back on these people, put your significant other on a pedestal, and then expect them to be there for you if you experience a breakup. Maintain your own life. Keep social activities. If you like working out, don't give it up for your gf/bf so you can spend more time with them. They learned to like you while you were doing that. This goes for other things, too. The point is to stay balanced and don't put your love interest on top of the pedestal and the pain shouldn't be so bad. There's my ten cents worth. T This a FANTASTIC posting. Many thanks. Hope others get it too.
Nomad1 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) Can I bring in a Freudian perspective to all of this. I think that those who mourn the loss of significant others may find explanations to their behaviour in their childhood. We all deal differently with attachment and loss. If we have had experience of insecure attachnment in our childhood, we tend to become clingy when we can't have what we want. However, there are individual differences to take into account. We also experience attachment in different ways. Take my interaction with my STBXW for instance. When I first met her, I was not really into the relationship. She wanted me to do everything with her, but I was more interested in going out with friends, travelling etc. She was in love with me and pined over me when I was not there. However, 17 years later, as I became more committed to the relationship. she wanted to become more independent. She wanted 'space' and my response was to cling to her and want her attention. This pushed her away. After 4 months I relised that I actually can do better than her sorry a$$ and I don't want her anymore. So you see, although childhood experience can have a bearing on how we perceive relationships and respond to them, we can also change! It is great that we can change as it frees us from dependence on others. I hope this makes sense. Nomad Edited January 4, 2008 by Nomad1
Author watchconcierge Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Can I bring in a Freudian perspective to all of this. I think that those who mourn the loss of significant others may find explanations to their behaviour in their childhood. We all deal differently with attachment and loss. If we have had experience of insecure attachnment in our childhood, we tend to become clingy when we can't have what we want. However, there are individual differences to take into accounr. We also experience attachment in different ways. Take my interaction with my STBXW for instance. When I first met her, I was not really into the relationship. She wanted me to do everything with her, but I was more interested in going out with friends, travelling etc. She was in love with me and pined over me when I was not there. However, 17 years later, as I became more committed to the relationship. she wanted to become more independent. She wanted 'space' and my response was to cling to her and want her attention. This pushed her out. After 4 months I relised that I actually can do better than her sorry a$$ and I don't want her anymore. So you see, although childhood experience can have a bearing on how we perceive relationships and respond to them, we can also change! It is great that we can change as it frees us from dependence on others. I hope this makes sense. Nomad Great comments. My current ex and I had a very similar start to you and yours. It took me a very long time to really be into her. It's my understanding that we all form schemas as children and even some "maladaptive schemas" about how adults are supposed to operate. These are things built into our subconscious by what we observe as children. And ... yes... that's a very good point. Some of us will have schemas that cause us to be more clingy or needy than others. Fortunately, I feel like I'm not a clingy person. But there are certainly urges to fight that if not controlled could make me look and feel clingy.
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