Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 He is the only one that is really benefitting from this relationship. You are hurting because I think deep down you know that this will never amount to anything serious. His wife and children will suffer even more than you when this surfaces, which it will if it continues. Of course he is going to be upset! He gets the home life with his wife who caters to his every need and then he has you wh he used for sex and romance. There are all kinds of men out there who are not involved who will be willing to do something casual or more serious. Move on, it's better for you. If you see him again, your mind and judgement will just become more clouded. A long letter will give him more ammo to use in trying to keep you around because he will use your feelings towards him to string you alone. A short and precise clean break is the best way to go for everyone. You'll feel better about it in the end.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 i thought maybe to see him one more time for that once a month day that we spend together then writing him a long letter asking him to just stay away from me You write him an email (short!!!) telling him that he is married and it's wrong that the affair is happening. You don't want to be the OW anymore and that YOU are ending it. TELL him not to contact you, to leave you alone. He isn't yours to take. The bottomline is that. HE IS MARRIED and unavailable, he WILL keep the A going, but it's only because you will allow it. He is getting the needs met by you that he isn't getting from his wife. That isn't love, it's selfish lust.
american-woman Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 American-Woman: I did ask him to go home to work things out with his wife before i asked him to leave me alone because it appeared his wife had changed and was doing everything she could to fix things with him, but he just said he didnt care and wanted to continue seeing me i did all that, how do i stick with that if i am in love or maybe lust what ever it is when he calls i melt and its over i continue the affair Please hon YOU be the strong one. Dont answer that phone. All your gonna do is get hurt. Im sure you are a nice person but there is no future with him. Is that what you want todo is sit on the sidelines and wait for him to see you when he can? knowing hes at home with his wife and kids? Are you worth that little? Hes using you for his own selfish needs. Are you worth that little? Would you want YOUR husband to do that to you if you were married? to your kids? to YOU? Cut him loose. Keep yourself busy get out and be with family and friends it will pass
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Dont you guys or ladies think i want to get out of this relationship because i hate that i love him i hate that so much that it hurts sometimes, but when i try something calls me back i miss him when i am not with him i miss his voice when we are not talking and we talk all the time, i miss him two minutes after we walk away from eachother, i dont know what is going on with me, we have even planned a vacation for june where wer are both going to drive from NY where we are both from to florida to spend some time together whether it will happen or not i dont know. I want him, but i dont want to hurt anyone i really dont and i know right from wrong i am a social worker and i have heard these stories many many times and its easier being on my side listening to it and i know how to counsel, but i cant take my own advise. I am so hurt inside because i want to do the right thing but i am not ready to let him go, i know what my husband did in the past might have left me a bit scrared inside but i have healed pretty good, so good that when he cheated i was depressed always wondering what i was doing wrong then i realized i wasnt doing anything worng i was the perfect wife and now that i have gotten stronger and can support myself financially without his support i feel better because in a way his affairs didnt break me, but made me stronger i went to college got my masters got an excellent job and now i look better than i did before im 40 and dont look a day over 30 i work out and try to eat healthy i dont know i guess i am just confused and hurting inside
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I think you were looking for something you didn't hear from us. If you are as strong as you say you are then just break it off. There really isn't much more to say here that has not been said...hopefully, you realize that what you are doing is wrong and no matter how you justify it in your mind, it will never be right. Good luck to you.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Then it's time for you to seek counselling and get help so you can stay strong, end the A, and stay away from the MM. Stop being so scared of missing him. If he died tomorrow, you would HAVE to get over it, right?
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I know i would have to get over him, but how have those OW done it when its time to break it off and they are in love with the MM. He will call my job and i will melt in his hands or he will visit me at my job and it will be difficult to ask him to leave without someone knowing what is happening besides when i see him i dont know how to ask him to leave on the contrary i want hih more. I cry when it's time for us to part, but he doesnt know this i hold it inside until i am driving away how can i separate myself from him when my heart doesnt let me all i do is think about him yet i would never tell his wife i can i have his home number, his wifes number and i know where she works yet i would never do anything for her to find out, i dont know what to do maybe its convenience for me to i really dont know what to do anymore because im hurting on my decision
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 OK...punctuation and spacing are your friend. Reading through your posts is difficult without it. Second...what...exactly...are you looking for here on LS? Commiseration? Confirmation? Recommendations on how to handle your situation?
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Seriously consider the therapy because what you have invested waaaayy too much of yourself in him, the thoughts of even breaking it off is freaking you out. It is unhealthy to rely on someone else that much for your own happiness. Look at from a UNselfish point of view. Take a step back and pretend your bestfriend is in this situation. What advice would you give her? Also, what is BEST for the MM, his wife and kids? Without YOUR personal and emotional invested interest in this. if you truly loved the MM, wanted what was best for him in the long run, not stolen moments of passion and fun - I think you would want to see him happy, be a faithful husband, be a loving and trusted father for his kids, right? I hope you understand what I am trying to get you to see...
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 OK...punctuation and spacing are your friend.Thank God SOMEONE finally said it. I can't even read these posts.
PoshPrincess Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I know i would have to get over him, but how have those OW done it when its time to break it off and they are in love with the MM. He will call my job and i will melt in his hands or he will visit me at my job and it will be difficult to ask him to leave without someone knowing what is happening besides when i see him i dont know how to ask him to leave on the contrary i want hih more. I cry when it's time for us to part, but he doesnt know this i hold it inside until i am driving away how can i separate myself from him when my heart doesnt let me all i do is think about him yet i would never tell his wife i can i have his home number, his wifes number and i know where she works yet i would never do anything for her to find out, i dont know what to do maybe its convenience for me to i really dont know what to do anymore because im hurting on my decision I really feel your pain, Mel, and have been through it all myself (although I wasn't in a R with anyone else). All the hurt you feel when you say goodbye - I was there too. So was my MM at the time though and he showed it far more than I did. I went through all the calls, etc every time I tried to end it. My MM even tracked me down outside my son's nursery because I was ignoring his calls. It was SO hard because I missed him so much. At that time he was even more of a wreck than I was! No one can tell you what to do. You have to decide it for yourself. Firstly, I think you need to end the R with your SO. The sooner he moves out of your place the more time you will have to sort your own life out. You can't do this to yourself because, no matter how old your kids are, they are still your priority and still need you. Secondly, you have to go NC with your MM, if not for his W and kids then for your own sanity. BTW, has your MM ever mentioned leaving his W to be with you? If not, then you definitely have to end things once and for all. He IS having his cake and eating it at the moment and all the time it's like that he will NEVER leave as he has everything he wants.
StillSame Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Jordane: Believe me i know you are right i am not disagreeing with you in anyway however, how do i separate from this married man, i thought maybe to see him one more time for that once a month day that we spend together then writing him a long letter asking him to just stay away from me which believe it or not i tried about two months ago but he kept calling me at work and on my cell asking me to please not do this and not leave him that he was going crazy thinking that i would never see him again and thats why i continued this affair and i am afraid that if i do it again he will persue me and thats what makes me weak Melbar, don't get physical with him, meaning no sex, no kissing, etc. and I'll guarantee that he will fade away soon. This is NOT LOVE; this is lust. Take out the sex, kissing, etc., there won't be much left. Try it.
justice Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I know i would have to get over him, but how have those OW done it when its time to break it off and they are in love with the MM. He will call my job and i will melt in his hands or he will visit me at my job and it will be difficult to ask him to leave without someone knowing what is happening besides when i see him i dont know how to ask him to leave on the contrary i want hih more. I cry when it's time for us to part, but he doesnt know this i hold it inside until i am driving away how can i separate myself from him when my heart doesnt let me all i do is think about him yet i would never tell his wife i can i have his home number, his wifes number and i know where she works yet i would never do anything for her to find out, i dont know what to do maybe its convenience for me to i really dont know what to do anymore because im hurting on my decision Melbar, you need to let this one go. No matter what he says or does and no matter how much you want to believe him, in all likelyhood he will dump you as soon as things get hot and it looks like you guys are going to be busted by the wife. For crying out loud, they have two little kids and he made her his wife, it was his choice to get married. Now you have a choice to make, make the wise one and end this fiasco now before those kids get hurt, not to mention the wife. I know you will hurt too, but how much worse will it be if he decides to work on his marriage and dump you? Ok, I was a betrayed wife, I'm divorced now because of a situation just like the one you are in. My husband threw his other woman under the bus just as soon as I confronted him about her. I can tell you from my experience it hurts like holy hell when you find out the person who promised to love, honor and cherish you and only you, cheats on you. Please consider this and make the right choice. You have to pull the strength up from deep inside you and really draw from it and you have to do it soon and tell him that you no longer wish any contact from him at all and you need to stick to it. Please don't let someone else get hurt.
american-woman Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Would`nt you want to be told if you had cancer? Tell his wife, call her. She has a right to know what is going on. The ball is in your court.
frannie Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I know i would have to get over him, but how have those OW done it when its time to break it off and they are in love with the MM. He will call my job and i will melt in his hands or he will visit me at my job and it will be difficult to ask him to leave without someone knowing what is happening besides when i see him i dont know how to ask him to leave on the contrary i want hih more. Hello melbar. First of all yes, it is difficult to read your posts. You need to break them down into paragraphs. This will not only help us in reading them, but it might help you to clarify your thoughts. At the moment you are repeating yourself and saying different things in all of your posts. You sound incredibly confused, and your posts reflect that. On the first page it seemed as if you wanted to continue with him. Now this post talks about ending things with him, but that it is too difficult because of his reactions? Is that what you're saying? I know it's difficult, because I've been through the same thing. What you want is for him to do something he says he can't do, and even if he did it you'd feel bad? So where does that leave you... in a horrible mess. I think what you really need at the moment is some mental and physical space away from this man. Don't think of 'ending it' right away, but just gaining some clarity. For that reason, I personally would ask him not to contact you or visit you unless you call him first. That puts the ball back in your court, and gives you time and breathing space. Then, see how you feel. See how long you can go without panicking and calling him. See that the world is not going to fall apart if you don't talk to him for a few days. That will give you time to deal with whatever you have to deal with at home. Also, you could come back here and talk about how you feel, how he reacts, and start to pick apart what it is you want to do here. Just some ideas anyway.
Author melbar68 Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 Frannie: I am going to do just that i am going to see him next week and although i thought about writing him a note i wont i will tell him in person because i know i can and i will do just like you say i am going to ask him to not contact me until or unless i contact him and see how long i can take it. I am i woman to and i have been betrayed and i know that feeling when someoen cheats on you and yes it does hurt like hell and it leaves you sad inside. Although it has been many many years ago since that happened i can still remember the sadness and hurt i had inside. I know his wife has done nothing to me, so hurting her is not something i would ever do as in telling her about the affair i could never do that. She has an idea she heard a conversation him and i had once a few months ago when his phone accidently dialed her, but according to him she has gotten closer and has been doing everything around the house she never did before. She has been going every where with him and doesnt allow him to go alone unless its with her or the kids, thats what he says i dont know how true that is. i have grown attached to this man and i think i am in love with him, but it wont be the first time i had my heart broken, so i know life will go on. maybe i was confused because of the things he tells me and how he compliments me. when i call him every morning he calls me sexy or beautiful and when i am with him thats all he tells me is that i am beautiful and he cant believe i am with him. He does everything right in bed out of bed he just does them the way i like it and i guess that is what i have gotten attached to. As for my SO he will be out really soon, he knows how i feel for him i have told him i dont love him and have not for a very long tim and i have told him that he repulses me and that i am seeing another man therfor he had to leave, but i dont know what is taking him so long. I even told him to start dating so that he can maybe meet someone and go, however he looks horrible and has let himself go in everyway i dont think any woman would look at him at this point and i couldnt care i just want him out. Years back when he would cheat all the time i would tell him one day i am going to wake up and not care about you anymore and i will do to you what you did to me except i will do it smarter because you wont even know, but i didnt mean it however i did. i didnt get into this affair to get my SO back it was just something that happend and i wasnt ready for it. i wasnt looking for anyone else although i wished and prayed everyday that someone would come my way i didnt think it would be a married man, until this day i wished he wasnt married. And he has mentioned leaving his wife or his wife leaving, but i have made it very clear to him that i could never trust him or would never trust him eventhough he questions that and asked why if the affair was with me and not another girl, come on that was this time what about the next time. He says he could never cheat on me because i am smart and beautiful and everything he ever wanted, so i ask him what did he see in his wife and he says just that, but she has gained to much weight and is stuck in a par time job going no where. Now he can do that to me one day also if i gain weight and get stuck in a job that isnt going anywhere, but he just says no because i am different how different i dont know, but thank you everyone i will post again when i cross my bridge and let him know i will no longewr see him again.
american-woman Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 You are doing the right thing. He needs to work on his marriage. The chances of a married man leaving his wife and family for another are very slim. Thats why they cake eat. Remember take care of yourself, stay busy , it will pass.
nadiaj2727 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 You are doing the right thing. He needs to work on his marriage. The chances of a married man leaving his wife and family for another are very slim. Thats why they cake eat. Remember take care of yourself, stay busy , it will pass. Hi Melbar, what AmericanWoman says is true and I hope you have been being strong in your wise decision to cut MM out of your life. Your MM is just like every other MM/MW on here: he is just using you, and you need to be strong and stop melting in his hands. This is how MM who cheat operate. Every situation seems "unique" because your heart is involved, but the reality is, a man who cheats on his wife is a slimebucket and you should not let him do that to you or to her. Be stronger than that honey. There aren't even any other OW on here giving you false hope that this man is going to be with you. As a former OW I urge you to listen to the wise advice of people like WWIU, AmericanWoman, ICEAISE, Owl, etc. and not be one more OW being hopelessly strung along by some cake-eater. Don't be diluded by his lies, he has already proven himself to be a liar and a cheat. How can a relationship started with a lie and a cheating move ever turn into something good? Don't let him eat his cake with you while his wife is the cake he has at home, and don't let him drag you down or hurt you anymore. My advice is to be a better person than he is being and not take part in his deception. I wish you great success in moving on... far away from him!! Best wishes.
OWoman Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 He says he could never cheat on me because i am smart and beautiful and everything he ever wanted, so i ask him what did he see in his wife and he says just that, but she has gained to much weight and is stuck in a par time job going no where. Now he can do that to me one day also if i gain weight and get stuck in a job that isnt going anywhere, but he just says no because i am different how different i dont know You may (or not) be different, but HE will be the same, and unless he changes, you will have that doubt in your mind. I don't buy the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality that some extremists espouse - I think people "cheat" for different reasons. But if someone is COMFORTABLE doing that, then unless something significant changes, the chance is always there that it can happen again. Sometimes the change is in the circumstances, preventing them cheating again (like a BW keeping them on a short leash) but a sustainable change would require a change within themselves.
Author melbar68 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 i broke it off its over for good i dont know how the next few days are going to feel but i will be fine
StillSame Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 (edited) i broke it off its over for good i dont know how the next few days are going to feel but i will be fine How can you broke it off for good when you still work with him and see him everyday? You need to do the following, because it's the right thing to do: 1) Break it off and change job 2) Tell his wife what happened. If you can't do those, especially number two, you're being a selfish, typical OW. Edited January 16, 2008 by StillSame
GreenEyedLady Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 How can you broke it off for good when you still work with him and see him everyday? You need to do the following, because it's the right thing to do: 1) Break it off and change job 2) Tell his wife what happened. If you can't do those, especially number two, you're being a selfish, typical OW. Who are you to be saying anyone's selfish? Why is breaking some ladies heart and destroying the life that she knows considered unselfish? And no one should have to change jobs unless they want to... Save your judgment for someone who cares...
Jordane Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 That's great!!!! I know it must have been insanely hard and you should feel really good about your decision. If times get hard and you have the urge to revert back to him come talk to us!!!
american-woman Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Who are you to be saying anyone's selfish? Why is breaking some ladies heart and destroying the life that she knows considered unselfish? And no one should have to change jobs unless they want to... Save your judgment for someone who cares... As long as she is working with him there is still contact therefore the affair WILL continue. She needs to tell the wife and leave her place of employment if she really means this.
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