melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I am 40 years old and have been involved with a mm for about 6 months now. We didnt start sleeping together until we were seeing eachother for three months. the first three months we went to the movies, the park, the beach, just for walks or we would meet somewhere to talk and laugh, however of course eventually we started going to hotels. I have since fallen deeply in love with this man. I actually started falling for him before we slept together and according to him he did too. I also live with someone for 10 years, but had a sexless relationship for about 5 years this is why i went looking for someone else to have on the side, but had never done this before. The MM claims he was also looking for someone else because sexually his wife does not turn him on anymore ect... We clicked on the first date and i didnt expect to since i never gave anyone a chance. However we do not talk about me leaving or him leaving our SO as i am afraid to even ask then lose him and maybe he feels the same. We talk to eachother all day while at work Mon.-Fri 9-5 and sometimes on the weekends when he has time, as i have no relationship with my SO, we dont even sleep in the same room we dont talk and just share the bills nothing else, however i know his wife loves him and he has two small children 7 & 8 years old. They have been together for 10 years he is 42 and she is 34, however she does look much older than me and is very much over weight, i look much younger and just a bit overweight, not much and my girls are pretty much grown up 22 and 14 so i have alot of time to go out, but it bothers me that he barely has time and we have to sneak around. His wife got suspicious about him having an affair about two months ago thats when we couldnt see eachother weekly like we were doing and according to him she is doing everything to make things better between them such a clean what according to him she never did and cook and be physicaly closer to him. It hurts so much when we meet and its not always for sex sometimes we just spend time holding hands and hugging eachother, talking, it hurts when he walks away and goes into his car and i drive away because he is going home to her, but he text me messages all day telling me he loves me and misses me and is crazy about me and wants to hold me. i dont know how much longer i can take this because my heart tells me one thing and my head tells me another. I do at times feels guilty, but i am so happy when i am with him. we call out sick once a month to spend the whole day together and see eachother once every two weeks or once a week which ever he can get out to do, because i have all the time in the world once i get off of work. we do live a bit far from eachother about half an hour away. he tells me everyday that he wishes i worked closer or lived closer so that he come by to see me everyday. I dont know i am so confused and i fall more and more in love with him everytime i see him. we talk about everything, atleast i do i dont lie to him about anything as i have nothing to hide, i dont think he does either but i dont know if he is telling me what i want to hear or can he love two women. We have eachothers addresses, home numbers, job numbers ect. as i dont feel threatened by him or him by me. Please someone help me i want to stay in this relationship even if i am miserable only because im happy when i am with him. As for my SO i think he knows what is going on, but at this point we dont care about eachother and we dont have children together. I am so in love and confused and i dont want to break up a family or hurt anyone.
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 How would you feel if you were his wife? This man has two children, young children, how will they feel if they find out daddy is leaving mommy for another woman? I think you are both being selfish and you need to let go of tihs relationship. You probably should also leave the guy you're living with now. Start with a clean slate! I don't know how people could possibly be in these relationships, they seem so emotionally draining and to be involved in something that could wreck such havoc on someone. I don't understand it.
StillSame Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 i dont want to break up a family or hurt anyone. Then do the right thing and stop being selfish by fulfilling your "needs," "wants," and "addictions."
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 You are the filler material that makes up for what he doesn't get at home. That said, the fact that you are fulfilling those needs makes it easier on him at home, and much easier for him to stay married. Is that the type of life you want, to just be someone's marital bandaid and filler material?
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 What steps are you taking on your OWN situation? Have you told YOUR SO that you're no longer interested in being with him, that you're in love with someone else? Told him that it was time to seperate so that you could be with this other man?
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I got involved knowing we were both attached to someone, him married, but i sure didnt think i would fall in love or that it would go this far, i had never done this before, but now i am in love with him very much so. I have also been where his wife is at so the guilt at times over whelms me as i am not selfish at all i just got caught up where i though i wouldnt and i thought i could control my feelings i was wrong, but i am not ready to leave even though at times i want to because it does hurt to see him go just like i know it hurst him when i leave, but he has two small boys and his wife works part time not being able to make it on her own if they separate according to him he pays all the bills and she wouldnt make it financially and has no where to go
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I don't think he will leave his wife for you so I don't think you need to worry about her financially just yet. If you have been in this situation, how could you possibly want to give that kind of pain to someone else? What is it that you want out of this relationship? You want him to run away with you? He has children that will always be in his life and so will his wife or ex-wife if he leave her for you which he's most likely not going to want to do. So what do you realistically want from him?
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Yes i have been on the other side, but i did what i had to do to keep my husband who by the way i no longer want and hope he finds someone who he can have an affir with so that he can leave, however i am not fantasizing about anything either i am in love with him and yes i do know he is in love with me i also understand that he can not just leave his family he does have small children and thats why i didnt separate from my husband when he cheated, but now my girls are grown i have a terrific job and i am doing well, he has not said i am going to leave for you, but he has mentioned that he wants to leave but cant due to having small children and his wife not being able to financially support herself. i'm glad Jordane you are writing what you are writing as i see myself now justifying this relationship, but the truth is i know i am worng, he is more wrong, but honestly i am so in love with him and i dont know if i can deal with not hearing his voice every morning or seeing him anymore i think thats the part that i am more attached to, because i enjoy spending time with him i love how he makes me feels when we are together, on the other hand i dont want him to leave his wife as i dont want to cook or clean for no man. i dont know what i want i just know it feels good to be with him and thats hard to just give up, its almost like a drug and i dont want to go through withdrawls
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 OWL: i have told my SO that i am no longer in love with him and that i would like for him to save his money and rent a room or apartment somewhere else, we havent slept in the same room for about three months now. I have told him that i was seeing someone else, but it's like he isn't listening to me. We dont share the bills as that was the reason we stood together i think i am paying all the bills in my apartment because i dont want him to ask me where i go or what i do, so that i can come and go as i please. I think he thinks in his sick mind that someday things will work out again, but i dont love him anymore
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Melbar, I still don't understand...what is it that you are hoping will come of this relationship?
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 i am not selfish at all Sadly though, you are. You may not feel like you are, but your actions show this. To cheat on your partner, yeah you're not married, but you've been with him for 10 years, it is selfish and unfair of you to cheat on him. If you are in a sexless relationship and are unhappy, either get to counselling and fix things, or end it so you BOTH can move on and find happiness. It's just wrong to cheat on him, no matter what the problems are in your relationship with him. And, you have been through betrayal before, you know the pain, so I don't understand how you could help this MM inflict that type of pain on his wife and help him betray his whole family, yes, that includes his children. HE was and still is in NO position to be telling you he loves you, let alone be with you, cheating on his wife. He is married, has children, and the fact is you don't want him to leave his wife, yet you want him for yourself inside of an affair. THAT is selfish behaviour. So you're scared of the pain, scared of the withdrawal. Get to counselling to help you cope with the fallout, the pain of walking away. If you don't, this whole affair WILL blow up in your face and everyone will be hurt. D-Days aren't fun, so if you think you're feeling pain now, just wait until the day comes you may have to face his wife and see her pain upclose. Focus on you, talk to your partner, maybe tell him you've been cheating on him.
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Of course he thinks things can be fixed...you're still there. Why should HE be the one to leave? You're the one who's done with the marriage...why aren't YOU moving out? Why wait for him to take action, when you know that he's not going to want to do so? Ending the marriage appears to be your choice...so YOU should be the one taking the action to end it...not asking him to do so when he's clearly not feeling the same way. Are you saving money to move out? Have you asked friends/family if you can move in with them? Have you filed for divorce? Contacted a lawyer to work out custody/seperation agreemants/etc...? And why are you upset with MM for not having taken action when you've not done so on your side?
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I think i have done my part to separate from my SO, i cant just throw him out if he doesnt have anywhere to go i am giving him time to save money and go, however i dont think he is doing that, i am very honest and open with him i have not told him yes i am having an affair, but i have said i am seeing someone and i want to move on with my life with someone else because i dont love him anymore and i havent for years. we have had no relationship sex wise for over five years, at first i didnt mind as he is diabetic and i understood he would become impotent, but his doctor told him in front of me he can use medication to prevent that, but he did nothing i am 40 years old very pretty and he is 54 and looks very old for his age i on the other hand am looking better and better everyday taking care of myself while he looks worse and worse everyday
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Apparently with you it's not for better or worse.
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 whichwayisup: i dont feel i am cheating on my SO as we were separated just living in the same apartment. i did everything to make things work in my relationship i gave up a long time ago, he had a responsibility and neglected them, i dont want to work things out with my husband as he repulses me and i dont want to be with him anymore i dont love him anymore and i know i cant ever love him again, yes he cheated also may years ago and i got over it, but i also chose to better myself and move on with my life while he has let himself go in everyway
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It sounds like your partner is suffering from depression. Anyway, prolonging the pain isn't going to make your SO feel any better. You need to end it and end it now. Tell him you're giving him a limited time to get out and find another place. He must have family, friends, or other relatives he can move in with? you two staying together is just going to kill both of you.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 whichwayisup: i dont feel i am cheating on my SO as we were separated just living in the same apartment. i did everything to make things work in my relationship i gave up a long time ago, he had a responsibility and neglected them, i dont want to work things out with my husband as he repulses me and i dont want to be with him anymore i dont love him anymore and i know i cant ever love him again, yes he cheated also may years ago and i got over it, but i also chose to better myself and move on with my life while he has let himself go in everyway Then be honest, tell him the truth. ALLOW HIM the choice to leave. Right now he doesn't know exactly what is going on, let alone how disgusted he makes you feel. Two wrongs don't make a right, so him cheating on you in the past isn't a reason to go ahead and cheat on him now.
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I don't think the SO really has much to do with this. She's broken away from him and told him she's not interested. The problem is this relationship she is pursuing with a married man who has small children and a wife that really needs him right now.
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 OWL: the apartment belongs to me and we are not married we have lived together for almost 11 years always shared everything and did everything like a family, but that was my apartment that i own when he moved in 10 years ago, we have alot invested cars and other property which i dont care for at all, my SO and i were doomed before my MM came along that is the only reason i started seeing him because i knew i was done with mine i just thought that getting involved with someone married would be easier on me and less demanding on my time i just didnt know i was going to fall in love in the process i thought i could control my feeling but i thought wrong and i am confused
american-woman Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 My my girl its always about how they dont get sex, ect from their wives. Why should he leave his wife when he can have the best of both worlds. Do yourself a favor and cut it off with him before you get hurt and his family gets hurt. Read on affairs and how long they usually last and the success rates for affair marriages. Your not in LOVE its called LUST and affairs are an addiction and his head is in a fog just like yours. Its called AN AFFAIR FOG. Please wake up hon before someone gets really hurt, tell him to go home to his wife and kids and work on h is marriage.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 i just thought that getting involved with someone married would be easier on me And now you know it isn't easier on you. Now you know that there are innocent people involved in this mess of an affair. you could have found a single man, who was looking for something casual, no strings. Picking a MM will always lead to you to disaster. You're now hooked on the intense feelings, the sneaking around, lying, hiding, the drama the whole affair has created, let alone your feelings for him.
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 OWL: the apartment belongs to me and we are not married we have lived together for almost 11 years always shared everything and did everything like a family, but that was my apartment that i own when he moved in 10 years ago, we have alot invested cars and other property which i dont care for at all, my SO and i were doomed before my MM came along that is the only reason i started seeing him because i knew i was done with mine i just thought that getting involved with someone married would be easier on me and less demanding on my time i just didnt know i was going to fall in love in the process i thought i could control my feeling but i thought wrong and i am confused I think you need to get a hold of yourself and take some time out to get some perspective. What you are doing is so wrong. You aren't thinking clearly because you care about this man...but you could potentially destroy 3 lives. The wife, and the two children. I don't see where the confusion comes from -- there is a disconnect in your brain. You know what you are doing is wrong, but you still want to do it anyway.
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Jordane: Believe me i know you are right i am not disagreeing with you in anyway however, how do i separate from this married man, i thought maybe to see him one more time for that once a month day that we spend together then writing him a long letter asking him to just stay away from me which believe it or not i tried about two months ago but he kept calling me at work and on my cell asking me to please not do this and not leave him that he was going crazy thinking that i would never see him again and thats why i continued this affair and i am afraid that if i do it again he will persue me and thats what makes me weak
Author melbar68 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 American-Woman: I did ask him to go home to work things out with his wife before i asked him to leave me alone because it appeared his wife had changed and was doing everything she could to fix things with him, but he just said he didnt care and wanted to continue seeing me i did all that, how do i stick with that if i am in love or maybe lust what ever it is when he calls i melt and its over i continue the affair
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