jdeedee Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I keep going through ups and downs. Its not like this is my first break-up but you really forget how hard they are once you've moved on. The past few days I've felt like I'm making some solid progress. I find myself missing her less, crying less, and then something just happens and I end up back to my lonely sobby self. It doesn't even have to involve her sometimes to set me off. My roommate's girlfriend cooking him a meal, going to the gas pump to fill up and realising I won't be driving to see her, food in the cupboard we used to eat together. Just dumb things really make me long for my ex. Is it just a matter of time? ...and what do I do with the guilt I sometimes feel about moving on. I have this intense feeling of wrongness in getting over her, like I am being selfish or inhumane in trying to not miss her. Its very confusing. Were broken up but sometimes I feel like I'm just giving up on her by not holding out love or hope for some unlikely second chance. Thanks.
MissCourtney Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Okay 3 questions before I can give you my opinion. Why did ya'll break up? How long were ya'll together? and Was the sex amazing? -c
s_n_d Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I keep going through ups and downs. Its not like this is my first break-up but you really forget how hard they are once you've moved on. The past few days I've felt like I'm making some solid progress. I find myself missing her less, crying less, and then something just happens and I end up back to my lonely sobby self. It doesn't even have to involve her sometimes to set me off. My roommate's girlfriend cooking him a meal, going to the gas pump to fill up and realising I won't be driving to see her, food in the cupboard we used to eat together. Just dumb things really make me long for my ex. Is it just a matter of time? ...and what do I do with the guilt I sometimes feel about moving on. I have this intense feeling of wrongness in getting over her, like I am being selfish or inhumane in trying to not miss her. Its very confusing. Were broken up but sometimes I feel like I'm just giving up on her by not holding out love or hope for some unlikely second chance. Thanks. Awww. Same here. The dumb things make me miss him the most. Like seeing nascar races on tv while switching channels(He LOVES nascar), or seeing the store he works at(It doesnt help that my dad loves that store and goes there ALL THE TIME).. Things like that get to me. And i find myself crying just like I did the first few weeks after the breakup.
Author jdeedee Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 We were together for a year and broke up the end of November so a little over a month ago. I broke up with her due to a case of cold feet. She was the first girl I dated since high school that I realistically could marry and that scared me. She pushed and clinged to me and I pulled away, the fights began, I realised I was losing her so I pushed to her and she pulled away. Then we broke up. The sex was very intense, without getting into details we did explore each other and it was a very sexually healthy relationship. Especially as our time together matured and our comfort in one another strengthened. It was actually weird, most relationships the sex gets slower as things go on but as our comfort level rose we could communicate and try new things. Sometimes I feel like I get guilty for moving on, this means any form of independent actions I take that are different than how I would behave dating her make me feel guilty. This includes going to bed or waking up on a schedule we didn't follow, masturbation, etc. Moving on scares me and those behaviors indicate I am single, moving on, etc. I don't think I am fully emotionally ready to accept this.
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It could be several things. One, you might actually not want to move on because you DO feel that she was someone that you should marry and you feel guilty about moving on because you think that's the wrong move. It could be the wrong move. Two, it's only been a MONTH. It will probably take at least a few more to really be able to let her go so it's normal and yes it takes time, just give it some more.
sedgwick Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 If you want her back, have you told her so? Also, I have a question for you. Why do you think it is that guys get cold feet? I was in what I thought was an amazing relationship, and then one day he said he wasn't as sure about it as I was and broke up with me. This was after falling asleep holding me in his arms telling me he loved me the night before. Does something just happen in the male brain that makes you totally sabotage good relationships? What is it? I would love to think my ex misses me sometimes but I've just assumed that since he ended it (even though he was sobbing as he did), he's just totally forgotten about me and is happy now that his life no longer includes me. I can't imagine him ever missing me.
Author jdeedee Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I emailed her a letter of apology and told her I missed her at the end of December, she never replied. I think she has shut her emotions for me off. I can't speak for all guys regarding cold feet. When I began this relationship I wasn't expecting anything, circumstances made us move in together and I wasn't perpared for all of it. My friends didn't like her and my best friend would really tell me not to get married, etc. I think a lot of my cold feet stemmed from doubts he placed in my head. I loved her up until the very end. I loved her when I broke up with her. We were fighting all the time, she and I both were just... It was hard. So I can't speak for anyone else but I miss her and I broke up with her. I think she no longer misses me solely because I know how she shuts people out of her life to heal. Sometimes I wish I had that tenacity and strength.
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 So you want to be with her or would you like to move on?
Author jdeedee Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 So you want to be with her or would you like to move on? If she came to me today and said she'll let me take her back I would without a second thought. If she wanted me back she would reply to my apology email. I don't think she will and so I'm trying to move on.
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Would you take her back just because you don't want to be alone though or because you seriously want to be with her? I think it's just because you don't want to be alone right now and you want to stop hurting but you feel that the only way to stop is if you get back to her. You're right, it does take time and you have not given it enough. Start occupying yourself with other things and it will gradually get easier.
loveinlife Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 If she came to me today and said she'll let me take her back I would without a second thought. If she wanted me back she would reply to my apology email. I don't think she will and so I'm trying to move on. Hope everything works out for you! I know how you feel, although i was the dumpee. letting go of someone you love can be difficult. My ex is shutting me off too eventhough she wanted me back 2 months ago, i was already in a new commited relationship that didn't work out. Now that the new girl is out of the way, i still have feelings for my ex, whom needs time and has been avoiding my calls ever since new years day. Im still trying to move on.. good luck bro
serendip Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I don't know if it takes time...you definitely need time I think you just have to make a decision to move on or else you keeping getting stuck
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Sometimes I feel like I get guilty for moving on, ... Moving on scares me When you say "guilty", what exactly do you mean? When you say "scared", what types of feelings or situations cause the fear? When you think of growing forward from where you are now, do you feel more "guilty" or more "scared"?
Author jdeedee Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Hmm tough questions there. I feel guilty as if I didn't try hard enough to make things work, for second guessing my desire to be with her and letting my friend's opinions sway me so strongly. I lied to myself and to her about my desire to put long term energy into our relationship, I told her I wasn't ready for marriage when I didn't actually believe that. I am scared to be alone. Scared ill never find someone to settle down with and feel dumb and like a moron cause I did find someone and then just tossed her aside when the going got tough. You don't do that, when it gets tough and you are fighting you work through it. When I think about moving on I feel guilty because of my regrets, but I feel moreso scared that I won't ever find someone to love, marry, have children with, etc.
loveinlife Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Hmm tough questions there. I feel guilty as if I didn't try hard enough to make things work, for second guessing my desire to be with her and letting my friend's opinions sway me so strongly. I lied to myself and to her about my desire to put long term energy into our relationship, I told her I wasn't ready for marriage when I didn't actually believe that. I am scared to be alone. Scared ill never find someone to settle down with and feel dumb and like a moron cause I did find someone and then just tossed her aside when the going got tough. You don't do that, when it gets tough and you are fighting you work through it. When I think about moving on I feel guilty because of my regrets, but I feel moreso scared that I won't ever find someone to love, marry, have children with, etc. Love can be created again with someone. But if you do love her, maybe, and hopefully if you do want her back, i wish the best for you.
jamie2002 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 My best advice for you is to search your heart.. Really think about why you got cold feet. But you have to stop listening to other peoples advice about her and think about how you are truley feeling about this. The grass is not always greener i promise you that.. People far to often let really great people out of there lives that usually are a great match for them because they feel the urge to explore new people.. and in the end usually don't have that special connection they had with that person.. It is very rare in life you will find someone you really love and maybe with this girl you lost your chance .. maybe not.. if you really want her back i am sure you can figure away to see if there is any hope..it hasnt been that long and i am sure she still feels the same.. So be fare to her and dont contact her again unless you really want her back and if shes worth the work you will fight for her .. if not then focus on you for a while get strong again..and start having fun being single for a while.. dont jump into another relationship soon.. just slowly ease back into things..
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I feel guilty as if I didn't try hard enough ... for second guessing my desire to be with her and letting my friend's opinions sway me so strongly. ... I lied to myself and to her ... I told her I wasn't ready for marriage when I didn't actually believe that. ...feel dumb and like a moron cause I did find someone and then just tossed her aside ... scared that I won't ever find someone to love, marry, have children with, etc. Okies. Let's say that's all true...you didn't try hard enough and you lied to her and you didn't have enough confidence in your own feelings and you let yourself be swayed by other people's opinions. Let's even say you did act "dumb and like a moron." I'm guessing that deep-down, you already have a small inkling that you're not gonna do these exact same screw-ups in the exact same way ever again? That is, even right now you're not AS moronically dumb as you used to be...fair enough? So... Any chance you can turn all of that into positive learning experiences and eventually come to a place of self-forgiveness because you didn't know any better at the time BUT it was great cos it helped you learn about your maladaptive patterns AND it inspired you to attain greater self-confidence and self-esteem? Okay? Now assume you've already mastered some of that stuff from preceding paragraph -- really feel it -- you are really confident in knowing what is best for YOU at any given point!!! Now, with your new awareness and improved confidence in your own feelings and ability to make important assessments and decisions for yourself, doesn't it already feel as if the fear of forever being alone is a tiny bit smaller? Use your learning to inspire your self-confidence and over time, it'll just totally destroy the fear -- I swear and promise
sedgwick Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Consider this: she could have blocked your email. I blocked my ex's email, phone, and myspace. I don't know if he's tried to contact me or not. He could have sent me the most passionate apology in the world and I wouldn't have gotten it. I'd say try talking to her in person.
Author jdeedee Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 Consider this: she could have blocked your email. I blocked my ex's email, phone, and myspace. I don't know if he's tried to contact me or not. He could have sent me the most passionate apology in the world and I wouldn't have gotten it. I'd say try talking to her in person. I am really sure she didn't block anything. We had texted each other a week earlier, the day I gave her the xmas gift I bought for her before we broke up. I told her it was nice to see her and I hoped she enjoyed the gifts, she said I did, thank you so much. I mean we aren't enemies, I doubt she hates me, I think she just turned herself off to me to heal. If I see her I will say hi, be polite and make conversation but I know she got the email, whether she deleted it, ignored it, set it aside to reply to when she is ready -- I have no clue. That said it was sent and I don't want to push her any more because I feel like that is just what I always do at the end of the line, I push and push people away being clingy. It is a behavior I need to change.
Author jdeedee Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 Okies. Let's say that's all true...you didn't try hard enough and you lied to her and you didn't have enough confidence in your own feelings and you let yourself be swayed by other people's opinions. Let's even say you did act "dumb and like a moron." I'm guessing that deep-down, you already have a small inkling that you're not gonna do these exact same screw-ups in the exact same way ever again? That is, even right now you're not AS moronically dumb as you used to be...fair enough? So... Any chance you can turn all of that into positive learning experiences and eventually come to a place of self-forgiveness because you didn't know any better at the time BUT it was great cos it helped you learn about your maladaptive patterns AND it inspired you to attain greater self-confidence and self-esteem? Okay? Now assume you've already mastered some of that stuff from preceding paragraph -- really feel it -- you are really confident in knowing what is best for YOU at any given point!!! Now, with your new awareness and improved confidence in your own feelings and ability to make important assessments and decisions for yourself, doesn't it already feel as if the fear of forever being alone is a tiny bit smaller? Use your learning to inspire your self-confidence and over time, it'll just totally destroy the fear -- I swear and promise You are right and thank you. I know that I will meet someone again, I am sure I will. It is just so hard to really believe when you are going through such pain of a breakup. The stars must be in line for a relationship to occur, I don't drink or do drugs. I am a good person. Perhaps one day my ex and I will reconcile and marry, perhaps I will meet someone else. Right now I just want to be a better me and let all that comes along with that come along. I put myself out to her and it's in her hands, I can't worry about that, I need to work on bettering me.
confuse80 Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 sorry to be harsh but man, you dump her, anyone will feel much hurt inside, especially after so many good things in your relationship, she will think that why wasting time with a guy who doesnt want to commit to her and just dump her like that. best way from now is move on. its hard i know but they way she acts now, looks like she is over you and she is really dont want you anymore in her life. if my ex came to me and say he wants to go back to me and say sorry etc etc, i will not taking him back because he hurts me so many times and he is not there for me while i need him, why i want to spend time with someone who just dont know what they want? i dont want to write this but i think sometimes people have to think hard to really want to break up with the person you love. breaking up is not a simple thing and think about your partner too and how he/she feels.
fabulousgal Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 i agree with the above poster. also, i want to ask...if you really want her back you are going to give up after one email? why not try to talk to her face to face. if my ex came back wanting me, he'd have to earn it. you can't just say, losing you is ok one day and then a month later change your mind and expect her to come running back. i hope she wouldn't right away to show she has some self esteem. work for it.
Author jdeedee Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 I get it, I ****ed up breaking up with her -- I know that. I also know from past experiences that begging, crying, buying people things, asking over and over again for someone to take you back doesn't work. I sent an email and she didn't reply. She didn't acknowledge even getting it. If I see her in person I will talk to her but I am not going to try calling, texting, emailing, etc. I mean that is just obsessive behavior. If she wanted anything to do with me she has had ample opportunity to say something to me, anything and she hasn't. Am I right or am I just mistaken?
fabulousgal Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 i dont think one attempt to have a face to face is obsessive. you need to call her. don't say things like she's had ample time....remember you told her she wasn't good enough by breaking things off w her.... i'm not saying it will get her back, but at least you didn't rely on email to connect w her. which isn't the most stunning way to rectify things.
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