Gentleknight Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 So my story is very similar to many here. Here is the abbreviated version of absolute hell for me over the last 2 1/2 years. I was happily married for 14 years (dated for 5 years prior to that), have 2 wonderful children and thought I had a good marriage with someone I considered my best friend. Out of the blue she tells me she has been unhappy and thinking about leaving me. We go to counseling but nothing seems to work and she doesn't want to go on a regular basis. As I push to try and make it work, we end up fighting and she says she just needs "space" to try and work it out. We got into a big fight two years ago after New Year's and she tells me I have to move out as its not working and its upsetting the kids. I do so reluctantly because I know in my heart of hearts that moving out very rarely helps fix a relationship in trouble. A couple of months go by and I find out she's having an affair with a coworker and has been for a year or so while she was saying she wanted to try and work it out. I move back in and confront her about the affair. I tell her that if she wants a divorce, then there's the door but I'm not going to be the one who leaves and would still like to try and work it out. She goes to work and continues to sleep with him during the day and comes home to me and the kids for dinner. Eventually after a few months, she moves out. So we get divorced in August 2007 with joint custody - I have the kids half the time and they are the world to me and the one constant that has made it possible for me to get through my life being torn apart. I have been doing a little dating and trying to move on. The kids are doing well but It's been hard on our 14 year old son who knows about the affair and doesn't enjoy being around "him" when she has him over or goes to his house. Oh and by the way, he gets divorced from his second wife about the same time as us. I try to focus on the kids and make the home they grew up in warm and comfortable. But its hard being a single parent especially as I have been commuting 1 hour and 45 minutes each way to my job. My work has been suffering over the last 2 years based on all the pressures and I have gone through some periods of depression which I've seen a counselor about - but not recently. So in comes 2008 and I'm doing a bit better. I'm about to start a new job 5 miles from my house. it's not exactly what I wanted as it is in sales but I think I will do well and it has the potential to be financially rewarding and puts my back near the house which I needed to be for the kids and my social life. She calls me the other day (we don't talk a lot as its still hard for me to have conversations with her) and tells me that she wanted to tell me in person that she got engaged over the weekend. I thank her for letting me know and get off the phone with her. I knew this was going to happen but it still pains me and i find myself realing. This was one of my biggest fears that she would marry this guy who I partially blame for breaking up our marriage - or at least being that guy who gave her "friendly advice" in a time of her struggle and got in the way of us having the type of open dialogue that could have saved our marriage. I have this sick feeling when I imagine going to pick up my kids and having him answer the door. I don't have visions of us getting back together - it apparently was over a long time ago and I just didn't know it. But I do miss the family unit - I miss kissing my kids at night and giving them hugs in the morning every day. I know it will get better, but this latest news has drawn me back a few steps and i just want to move on and be happy again - please help!!!!
sumdude Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I feel for you. You'll get through, just another loop in the divorce roller coaster. Try to think about the present and future, the past is just that...past. Wish I could be more help, I find music helps because you find people everywhere have been through it and survived. One of the tunes that best sums it up is by Don Henley. The Heart of the Matter I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear But I knew that it would come An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone She said youd found someone And I thought of all the bad luck, And the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What are these voices outside loves open door Make us throw off our contentment And beg for something more? Im learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again Ive been tryin to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think its about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you dont love me anymore These times are so uncertain Theres a yearning undefined And people filled with rage We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such a graceless age? The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness They're the very things - we kill I guess Pride and competition Cannot fill these empty arms And the work I put between us You know it doesnt keep me warm Im learning to live without you now But I miss you, baby And the more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I'd figured out I have to learn again Ive been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But everything changes And my friends seem to scatter But I think its about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you dont love me anymore There are people in your life who've come and gone They let you down you know they hurt your pride You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on You keep carryin that anger; itll eat you up inside, baby Ive been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thought seem to scatter But I think its about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you dont love me Ive been tryin to get down To the heart of the matter Because the flesh will get weak And the ashes will scatter So Im thinkin about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you dont love me Forgiveness Forgiveness - baby Forgiveness Forgiveness Forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, you dont love me anymore
Author Gentleknight Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 sumdude, Thanks for the reply. i'm a big music fan an agree that a good song can really help. It's funny how songs take on different meanings depending on your current mindset. I didn't realize how many songs were written about love loss and bad relationships. It seems that most of what's on the radio is about these things which doesn't always help. I know this pain will pass and as my friends tell me, I will be better off in the future. Change is never easy and I've had a lot in the last couple of years: -got seperated -Mom died -found out wife was having an affair -got divorced after being with the same person for 20 years -turned 40 -starting a new job So I see this as starting over though not of my own decision. As they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I'm just having a rough time at the moment. Certainly it doesn't help that the holidays are a time for families and love - both of which I miss in my life. Part of me is still dumbstruck at how quickly my marriage fell apart.
so_sad Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Gentleknight, I'm so sorry. I can imagine that you must have felt terrible when you got that call. Try to take comfort in the fact that you sound like a great father, you're close to your kids, and you're still young! A lot can happen in a little amount of time (or so people keep telling me). Hang in there.
sumdude Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 sumdude, Thanks for the reply. i'm a big music fan an agree that a good song can really help. It's funny how songs take on different meanings depending on your current mindset. I didn't realize how many songs were written about love loss and bad relationships. It seems that most of what's on the radio is about these things which doesn't always help. I know this pain will pass and as my friends tell me, I will be better off in the future. Change is never easy and I've had a lot in the last couple of years: -got seperated -Mom died -found out wife was having an affair -got divorced after being with the same person for 20 years -turned 40 -starting a new job So I see this as starting over though not of my own decision. As they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I'm just having a rough time at the moment. Certainly it doesn't help that the holidays are a time for families and love - both of which I miss in my life. Part of me is still dumbstruck at how quickly my marriage fell apart. You and I have had a lot of the same things happen... not married as long but lived together 7 1/2 yrs.. Also know there is that same guy, whatever the relationship was he was there to help lead her away. All that stress adds up and can take you down. I find it hard to tell just what I'm still grieving or dealing with emotionally. It's taking some time... it's been a year this month since she moved out without warning. I still have some rough days and the holidays magnified it. It all gets so mixed up. In the last 3 or so years. - proposed - at the same time mom diagnosed with cancer - planned and had wedding - mom died - moved - ex wife changed jobs 3 times - my work went to he$$ with new manager - fell into a bad drinking pattern, not coping - moved - fertility problems - separated (pretty sure there was an affair too) - divorced - aunt then uncle died - other uncle died - dad went into hospital - 2 car accidents - turing 40 in Feb Just sharing to commiserate... hard to say what happened... but through it all I know my personal breakdown fed the marriage breakdown. But the fact she wouldn't stick though it with me shows what she was really made of I guess. Luckily we didn't have kids, that must make it so much more difficult. Find a way to forgive her and especially yourself. Realize you doing it for yourself and not her.
Always Wrong Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Rest assured Gentleknight... she did it to you, and she'll do it to him! He did it to his ex, and he'll do it to your ex. The only question is who goes first? Being a betrayer is a character flaw... it doesn't go away. I think that's what makes forgiveness such a tremendous act of loyalty.
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