lovesparis Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 after 4 months of NC i called him. i did not call him about "us", about our breakup, about closure, or getting back together. i called him b/c he's a recovering drug addict, and it was his 6 year clean anniversary. as far as i'm concerned anyone in his life should celebrate that day as though it's his birthday b/c in a way, it's his 2nd bday. no one in his life right now would know him were it not for him getting clean. i felt that transcended our breakup b/c we wouldn't have dated were it not for that. i had decided to call him and wish him a happy A. and that was it. and even if he wanted to talk about other things, which i had hoped, i intended to say "that's for another day". so he answered, and i was surprised he did. i said "hi, and i just wanted to wish you a happy 6yr anniv. i hope you're doing well" he grunted yes, and said bye. i could hear in the tone of his voice he didn't want to speak with me. he was upset that i called. etc etc. it also said to me that he's not over me, but he wants to be. i'm sad and i'm hurt. but i guess i kinda needed to hear that. i needed to hear the anger in his voice. it doesn't make me love him any less, and i still cry a lot about missing him. but no matter how i feel, or how he feels, he doesn't want to be with me. and i just have to accept it. and move on as best i can. i don't know how good i'll be at doing that, b/c i do feel that half of me is missing. i don't know where to go from here either. i don't know how to start over. i never believed he and i would break up. the past 4 months i've been filled with hope that we would get back together, and i don't have that anymore, i'm just very empty.
s_n_d Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Aww, Itll be okay. If its meant to be, you will find your way back to eachother somehow.
CalamitousJane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Oh, lovesparis, I think it was lovely of you to reach out to him as a friend like that. You've shown him that you are good-hearted and forgiving. Maybe he wasn't ready to respond, and maybe he never will be, but somewhere deep inside your kindness registered. It hurts a lot to offer someone a kindness and be met with anger. It's very frustrating to not see any results of your effort. I think sometimes it's like planting a seed - at first all you get is a pile of dirt, but if you plant it well then leave it undisturbed there's a chance it might blossom someday.
s_n_d Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Oh, lovesparis, I think it was lovely of you to reach out to him as a friend like that. You've shown him that you are good-hearted and forgiving. Maybe he wasn't ready to respond, and maybe he never will be, but somewhere deep inside your kindness registered. It hurts a lot to offer someone a kindness and be met with anger. It's very frustrating to not see any results of your effort. I think sometimes it's like planting a seed - at first all you get is a pile of dirt, but if you plant it well then leave it undisturbed there's a chance it might blossom someday. Good analogy, CalamitousJane. I like that.
CalamitousJane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Thanks s_n_d. I always have a terrible urge to dig up my own seeds to check on them. Writing down the analogy helps remind me not to!
s_n_d Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Yeah I admit Ive wanted to do that too. But we just have to let things be the way they are for now and see what the future brings.
Author lovesparis Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 thanks you guys! CJ your analogy was a good one. hopefully something will someday spring from those "seeds". i hope i didn't get all duds. lol eta-- i don't have the best green thumb
CalamitousJane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Crazy thing about the seeds - I was holding on to that analogy all morning to keep myself from disturbing my ex. I've been planting seeds and planting them deep and well, but still you never know if they're duds, or if the soil is just too barren or poisonous. It was tough all morning, feeling a kind pulling toward him in my heart and wanting badly to reach out. Just now I got three emails from him - one of them mentioning our past relationship for the first time since we went NC. Wow.
Art_Critic Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 i did not call him about "us", about our breakup, about closure, or getting back together. In reality if you dig deep you will see that you did call him for those reasons.. that is why you are hurt. but it is okay.. you called him and it didn't go the way you had hoped and in the end it was all for the better.. your healing is the most important thing.. His sobriety is a very personal thing to him.. I know because mine is as well... I used to celebrate my anniversary until maybe 10 years ago or so.. now 20 years sober it just doesn't have the same impact it used to, so you were on the right track about it not going unnoticed although, If he was like me I was the only one the used to celebrate it.. most of the time by taking the day off work and hitting the lake with the boat. I'm sorry you are hurting... it will diminish and you will smile again.
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