unimoko Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 How do you get out of the pattern of meeting people and being attracted to abusive/addictive/un-suitable partners? I am not talking about not knowing, but knowing full well that the person is a bad prospet but contuning because it is familiar and comfortable. How do you transition out of that behaviour?
Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Uni - we talked about just this the other day with another poster. It has to do with having your emotional boundaries in place. Do a quick google search for it, and it will explain the behavior behind. Once you truly recognize this is missing, then you will find these types will no longer come into your life, because you won't be projecting the energy that they CAN.
Lishy Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I honestly think you have to just realise that when a guy is abusive and mean natured it will just make you miserable. I think that these guys are easier to keep hold of as they probably cant believe that they have a girl who will actually stick around after that behaviour. It is personal choice babe bjut the bottom line is to build on your own self esteem and KNOW what you will and wont put up with!
Author unimoko Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Honestly I know its sick to be with people that have issues. The last guy I dated was an alcholic, and I did not think it was a big deal because I never saw him drunk and he seemed to be functional. Its sick to say that I wish I could still hang out knowing this and the fact that I do not want to be in a relationship with him or anyone. I know right now I am not ready to date right now because I am still attracted to these kinds of people. I just wonder is it just a self esteem issues. I think that I value myself or the fact I just too conditioned to deal with these kinds of problems?
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Have self control? The only way to get out of this pattern is to make it a point with yourselff to detach yourself emotionally as soon as you see yourself falling back into the same pattern. It's all up to you.
Author unimoko Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Have self control? The only way to get out of this pattern is to make it a point with yourselff to detach yourself emotionally as soon as you see yourself falling back into the same pattern. I wish it sounded as simple as it sounds. I guess you have deal with that before. That advise could be generalized for any other issue (alcohol, drugs, excess spending...etc.) The point I am trying to make is not self control or lack of it but I am looking for strategies to avoid getting back into the same rut.
Lucasarts Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 hmm well seeing your attraction to the "bad boys" or the "dysfunctional boys" i can see that it would be a hard trend to get out of (i had dated a string of pretty crazy and evil girls, which pretty much stopped me from goin out and dating for awhile...i just did a lot of one night stands) so yes the best thing to do would be to stop dating anyone. Reflect on why you are attracted to these men and why you put up with it. Look for the positives and negatives of your own personality and match them to the positives and negatvies of those you dated...you'll be surprised by the results. Then look upon improving those negatives...which will hopefully improve your outlook and attraction to the opposite sex. There is no comfort or solace among destructive and abusive relationships, where one side always keeps taking and never giving. Like the others said too, its up to you to work this out, as it is your life and your body and soul that is in control here. Good luck.
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Well you can't really say that about drug addiction and alcohol because those involve actual chemical addictions which lead to very painful withdrawals. This is something that you are mentally doing and the only way to get control is to get control of yourself.
Author unimoko Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Look for the positives and negatives of your own personality and match them to the positives and negatvies of those you dated...you'll be surprised by the results. Then look upon improving those negatives...which will hopefully improve your outlook and attraction to the opposite sex. There is no comfort or solace among destructive and abusive relationships, where one side always keeps taking and never giving. Like the others said too, its up to you to work this out, as it is your life and your body and soul that is in control here. Good luck. Thanks. I think that was the best advise yet. Again its easy to say "have control" and drug addictions are in a different category. I disagree, I think that some people have all types addiction "mental" or not. All Addictions are triggered through chemical and/or psychological triggers. But telling someone to "control yourself" doesn't help at all.--Please don't generalize this topic.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Good question. Perhaps on a subconcious level you've experienced or been in a situation with a close person or persons, whom has been thru such experiences. Idk. I think for most people, it usually has to do with the environment they were raised in. It's unfortunate though, because when we see other ppl in such relationships, we say it would never happen to us, but then when it does, we don't really see it.
Author unimoko Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Thanks Paper. I think a lot people think. "Well, you just know better and take care of yourself" There are a lot of addictions that are not substance related. Love Addiction, Gambling, Sex, just to name a few. And its a vicious trap when you are used to playing the game so long you don't know anything other than what you now. And its sad because no one understands how much you tried to battle and fight to overcome. All I am saying this stuff ain't easy.
nittygritty Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Perhaps your picking emotionally unavailable partners because your somewhat emotionally unavailable yourself. When your partner is abusive/addicted/unsuitable for you and your aware of it then you might feel like you have the upperhand in the relationship. Your keeping your own comfort level of control over a familiar situation. You know the outcome you can expect from certain types of emotionally unavailable people. An unpredictable relationship that involves extreme highs and lows which can be addictively exciting until reality forces you to put a label to the particular brand of emotional unavailable type your dealing with. The dealbreakers are usually Abusive, Alcoholic, Drug Addict, Gambler, etc. Its also a form of self punishment to continue seeking out these types of relationships. Its not healthy for you to continue a pattern of trying to have a healthy loving relationship with people who aren't capable of giving you that. You have to realize your part in the relationship choices your making. What are you getting out of being in a relationship like this? What about it is familiar to you? Why do you think your choosing these types? Your problem is the only one you can change. If being in a healthy relationship is what you want then your going to have to work on making healthy relationships familiar feelings you choose to have.
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