Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I'm not sure how to proceed. My partner of 5 years broke up with me a year ago, and the breakup was a surprise and very much unwanted on my part. I'm trying to move on; 2007 went by in a wash of pain and I'm determined that 2008 not be the same. I just read on yahoo.com an article advising to get out into the dating pool to move on. It also advised not to have contact with your ex, and to trust that you WILL meet someone else as wonderful and that the relationship will be better because, if the other relationship were really that healthy, you wouldn't be broken up. All nice, pat thoughts...but I just can't align my values with them. The truth is, I was perfectly fine with my ex being the person I spent my life with; I felt no reason to explore to see whether the grass was greener elsewhere; and my entire being was 100% committed to the relationship--even if other committments (to finishing my education) sometimes, perhaps, made it seem like I wasn't 100% committed. This past year has revealed to me the full extent of my sincerity towards my ex. And I felt that he was 100% sincere in his intentions towards me; though his choosing to break up with me seemingly contradicts that, still I felt his sincerity and usually I'm good at reading people. So what do you do when all the advice columns seemingly invalidate feeling a deep attachment and make you feel like the only attitude to have is "out with the old, in with the new," and feed you this idea that the next relationship will be better? I don't believe that things just get better and better in life; if that were true, then why stick with anyone or anything? I wish I were someone who was more cavalier and who felt things less intensely. It feels like in this culture, perhaps, there's no room to feel deeply. I know that's a big assertion and that's why I'm posting here; maybe it's just me not accepting the way I am? The thing is, even though this relationship is long over, I'm still "in" it, if that makes sense. I still love him very much and see the things that came with having him in my life, and the "texture" of his "him-ness," if that makes sense, as something that makes a great deal of sense in my life, still, and so there is no incentive to let those things go even as I am forced to accept that he is gone. Because I feel no incentive from within, and because it feels confusing and painful to continue to be in this city just a few subway stops from his apartment, I'm considering moving to his homecity, which I loved. Moving there somehow would validate all these feelings I'm having--the feeling mainly that what he brought to my life are things I still want in my life. Of course, the most important thing--him--is gone and there's nothing I can do about that. But just his being gone with seemingly no intent of ever contacting me again doesn't alone erase the feelings I still have for him. I feel most myself when I acknowledge to myself that I love him as deeply as I ever did. For all these reasons, I often feel like I was born at the wrong time, or am living in the wrong part of the world. I wish I could just be carefree and date and have flings (not having had sex for over a year is killing me), but I feel like I'm being untrue to myself if I do, even as I wish I could purge my attachment to him in one fell swoop and flirt and date dozens of men. I joined match.com but my heart just isn't in it. Any thoughts? Do any of you ever feel like the whole world subscribes to this idea that you just go through successions of relationships and like you're a fool for having loved very deeply and sincerely? Is there something to this?
Woggle Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 There is nothing wrong with having your mentality but make sure that you have it with somebody worthy of that devotion. Clearly your ex was not worthy so you need to think logically and realize that he is worth it and it is his loss. Women who think like you are not a dime a dozen so I don't know what he is expecting to find out there.
Author Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) There is nothing wrong with having your mentality but make sure that you have it with somebody worthy of that devotion. Clearly your ex was not worthy so you need to think logically and realize that he is worth it and it is his loss. Women who think like you are not a dime a dozen so I don't know what he is expecting to find out there. Thanks Woggle. I fear I do know what he's expecting to find: someone who doesn't feel about things as intensely as I do. Because the thing is, as I see it the flip side of having the wonderful thing of someone's true committment and sincerity of heart, is that for that to mean anything the person has to be someone who thinks and feels deeply...and that means they're apt to examine things, and want to have discussions, and that means the relationship won't always be easy and fun. I was always thinking carefully about the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I perceived him to be, and what I wanted out of life, and my committment therefore was a succession of examinations and choices that after a year or two of our being together was pretty rock-solid. If I'd not seen myself with him for life, I'd have ended the relationship at that point. To me, once you're in a relationship after 2-ish years, it is an indication that for all itnents and purposes you're in it for the long haul. Sure, he had qualities that irked me, but none of them seemed worth leaving him over. I'm not trying to congratulate myself for my sincerity; I wasn't a perfect partner and I'm not always that fabulous a person (though I do have a pretty high opinion of myself overall and think I have a lot to offer). But I feel like I'm viewed as weaker or foolish for still having these strong feelings for him, and like I'd be more "in line" if I could just adopt a "NEXT!!" mentality and take things more lightly. I'm a very spontaneous, lively person...but I don't take anything lightly, and it seems like that's an unwanted attribute. Maybe just unwanted by my ex?...I don't know. Edited January 4, 2008 by GreenCove
PinkRibbon Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I also read the same article this morning GreenCove. In fact I printed it to put in my journal. And I agree with you 100% on the view that we live in a culture that is just for the moment. If your relationship fails well go and date, get over it within 6 weeks, get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex. I don't agree with that. I love my husband and still do even though I can see his faults and trangressions and even though he threw me out of the house. And I will always love my husband with my full being. There is no getting over it. This is not a bad cold or the flu. This was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with....who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. My heart chose him not my head. And dating is not in my cards. I don't want to date because it would be unfair to the person I go out with. I think about him daily but I do not pursue any realtions with him. I know the marriage is over but I am still in love with him and he will never contact me. He is very stubborn. And like you GreenCove I am considering a move also. We both work at the same place and the house we lived in which he still lives in is just right across the street from work. This was our "shire". We would joke about not going out of our 10 mile radius. We were such Hobbitts. So everyday I come to work and see the places we went and things we did here at work and the house. I hate seeing another car there. So I am also thinking a move and it may be for the best because I feel sick everyday coming here. And no I don't think it is wrong to love deeply and fully. And maybe we are in the wrong time but I am glad I am because I wouldn't have met my husband.
Kasan Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Any thoughts? Do any of you ever feel like the whole world subscribes to this idea that you just go through successions of relationships and like you're a fool for having loved very deeply and sincerely? We live in a throw away world, if something is not working correctly, just get a new one, which also includes relationships. Somewhere along the way, it has become okay to leave a relationship when the going gets hard. Maybe it's part of the bigger and better mentality that we are bombarded with in the media--a feeling that there will be something better coming down the road. But, if you subscribe to this thinking can you truly invest in a relationship if you are looking for the next best thing? We put ridiculous time limits on what is acceptable for grieving a loss of a relationship or marriage, and we question when someone isn't ready to move on in our pre-determined time frame.
Author Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 PinkRibbon, your post made me teary-eyed. You *understand.* And I love the idea of your having a "-shire." I can't imagine having to actually see each other; every day I have this little feeling of dread that I'll bump into him. I wasn't aware of it until I knew he was home for the holidays and I felt such a feeling of liberation; the difference was palpable; I literally had a spring in my step. If you'd be helped by this like I would, maybe we can pm each other about the moving possibility, bounce our thinking off each other and hopefully help each other see more clearly. In any case, I'd be glad to help if I can. I know Yahoo's advice articles aren't exactly the pinnacle of wisdom, but they do seem to articulate the prevailing attitude in our culture about dating, love, relationships, etc. I feel tired of always feeling guilty for being so intense and passionate. But I feel like I'm really getting the short end of the stick, being that way; I mean, I'm as horny as the next person but I just can't feel good about sex with someone I don't care deeply for. In my early 20s that was one thing; now, casual sex seems really unappealing even as I fantasize about it all the time. I WISH I could do it but I know I'll feel like crap afterward, whereas when I had sex with my partner I could be a wanton sex vixen because it always felt great, safe, and I knew every gesture I made even in sex-play was a gesture of real love. But here I go with another epic post. I'd love to talk with you more about the moving thing if you want.
Woggle Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 There are men who would do anything for a woman with that level of commitment. I hope one day that you find one that will deserve it.
Author Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 We live in a throw away world, if something is not working correctly, just get a new one, which also includes relationships. Somewhere along the way, it has become okay to leave a relationship when the going gets hard. Maybe it's part of the bigger and better mentality that we are bombarded with in the media--a feeling that there will be something better coming down the road. But, if you subscribe to this thinking can you truly invest in a relationship if you are looking for the next best thing? We put ridiculous time limits on what is acceptable for grieving a loss of a relationship or marriage, and we question when someone isn't ready to move on in our pre-determined time frame. I so agree with you--especially about how the media helps to instill this "bigger and better" mentality...and of course, the "instant gratification" mentality of consumerism. But the flip side, I guess, is: Can anyone be blamed for wanting to feel fulfilled? I mean, if a relationship isn't fulfilling isn't it "great" that we now have the moral flexibiility as a culture to up and leave without being labeled as morally bankrupt by the culture at large? (I'm playing devil's advocate here.) I have been mentally charging my ex with, "We could have WORKED ON things," but he didn't want to and does that necessarily say something about his values? Shouldn't he, and people like him, be CONGRATULATED for getting out of something that didn't "make them happy"? I put quotes around this stuff because this isn't my language; it seems to be the language from the same value system that advocates "bigger and better." Yet there IS some truth to it; I mean, we can probably all agree that no one should suffer a relationship that makes them unhappy. But if "unhappy" is because things have gotten "hard" and "un-fun," then...I dunno. I wasn't happy with the way our relationship was going but it didn't faze me from wanting to stay in it to make it better. I believed that doing that would ultimately prove more fulfilling than leaving, because I thought a lot of the problems were due to both of us needing to learn a few things and our relationship, problems and all, was the 'incubator' in which we could learn safely and truly grow, as individuals and as a couple. I'm struck therefore with how easy it is to just leave and cut a person off and go for the elusive "better." I just don't believe that I'll find myself in a problem-free relationship...ever. And I consider myself a very optimistic person overall!
Kasan Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 But the flip side, I guess, is: Can anyone be blamed for wanting to feel fulfilled? I mean, if a relationship isn't fulfilling isn't it "great" that we now have the moral flexibiility as a culture to up and leave without being labeled as morally bankrupt by the culture at large? (I'm playing devil's advocate here.) I have been mentally charging my ex with, "We could have WORKED ON things," but he didn't want to and does that necessarily say something about his values? Shouldn't he, and people like him, be CONGRATULATED for getting out of something that didn't "make them happy"? Of course we should want to have a fulfilling relationship, but it shouldn't be defined by societal standards. Somehow, we have gotten the message that we should be happy, drive very nice cars and live in a large house. We cheat, lie, and feel that we are "entitled" to happily ever after, but aren't willing to put in the work necessary to obtain it. We all stand up and repeat "until death do we part" and throw it out the window the minute that the going gets tough. It would have been so easy to walk away from my marriage over the years as I wasn't always happy every single moment--neither was my husband. There were times that the both of us felt unfulfilled. I honestly don't know why anyone bothers to get married anymore, and I think we all have very skewed ideas of what a fulfilling marriage really is.
sunshinegirl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Oh GC, you are so wrapped around yourself, thinking and rethinking and overthinking things. I understand it; I've done it too. But one of the risks of so much thinking is that your thinking gets warped. I see it here: ...trust that you WILL meet someone else as wonderful and that the relationship will be better because, if the other relationship were really that healthy, you wouldn't be broken up. All nice, pat thoughts...but I just can't align my values with them. The truth is, I was perfectly fine with my ex being the person I spent my life with; I felt no reason to explore to see whether the grass was greener elsewhere; and my entire being was 100% committed to the relationship--even if other committments (to finishing my education) sometimes, perhaps, made it seem like I wasn't 100% committed. This past year has revealed to me the full extent of my sincerity towards my ex. Sweetie, the right relationship means that BOTH of you will be equally committed to the relationship. Your 100% commitment was beautiful, deep, and sincere, I have no doubt about it. But his was not. And you do not bear 100% of the weight of making a relationship work. You simply don't. And you keep self-flagellating, thinking that if you had only loved him more, better, perfectly, he wouldn't have left. Please, you must start to internalize this truth: you do not have that power. You alone cannot float a relationship. If it had been the right relationship, he would have loved you through your self-described 'flaws'. He would have appreciated your thinking and feeling and examining deeply; he would have stuck around to work through stuff. Instead, he shut you out. He didn't communicate. Ultimately, he (cruelly) walked away. So does this invalidate what you had for five years? No!!! You have a very beautiful capacity to love someone unconditionally. That will serve you so well as you move forward into your life. We PMed a bit about one of my exes; well, the ex before that was my first true love and I was shattered when he broke up with me. We had been together for about 2 years; had been friends for 6. I was sure I could never love anyone else; I couldn't make sense of why my love couldn't heal him, keep him with me. I believed love healed all wounds and never had anyone loved him so deeply, thoroughly, completely as me. I could not understand why he walked away; he hurt me deeply. Well, in time I came to learn why we never worked: he was gay. And I finally came to understand that why we didn't work had nothing to do with me. NOTHING. It was all him. So what sense did I make of having loved him so completely? I came to love myself that much more: I was capable of loving someone who didn't even have the capacity to love me in return. And, perhaps more importantly, I became so much stronger: I was no longer an innocent pollyanna who thought love could conquer all. No sirree: I walked through a lake of fire only to learn otherwise. I needed to start choosing men who could return that love. And so I learned to be much more careful about who I chose to love. As Woggle said, I got better at choosing men who were worthy of that love. It also advised not to have contact with your ex, and to trust that you WILL meet someone else as wonderful and that the relationship will be better because, if the other relationship were really that healthy, you wouldn't be broken up. All nice, pat thoughts... I know they sound like nice, pat thoughts right now. They did to me too, when I was at a similar stage of grieving/healing as you. But you know what? In time I came to understand that sentiment as a very deep, profound truth - the furthest thing from "pat" as they come. Wishing you well... Sunshinegirl
child_of_isis Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Yup! Me and my SO both went through this. We were having major problems. Everyone's advice? Just let it go and hook up with someone else. Sweetie, those folks are clueless. The same MF'ers that was saying give it up and latch on to someone else had never had an R that lasted for any length of time. They think they can advice US concerning our 13 yr. R? Not likely. Any thoughts? Do any of you ever feel like the whole world subscribes to this idea that you just go through successions of relationships and like you're a fool for having loved very deeply and sincerely? Is there something to this?
marlena Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 We live in a throw away world, if something is not working correctly, just get a new one, which also includes relationships. Sadly, this is true. We live in an age of dispensability and supreme egocentricity. People do not invest in relationships anymore. They do not work at making it work. They much prefer to take the easy way out in the false belief that there is some one else out there, perhaps better, younger, prettier, sexier, smarter who will fulfull their evergrowing needs to the brim. Until their needs get so overwhelmingly, a bottomless pit, that nothing or no one can fulfill them. By that time, they are old and alone, regretting their mistakes or their foolish illusions. Or maybe not. Some never reflect enough to assess any of the choices they have made in life. The media and the internet have promoted this type of social behavior to a large extent. It is a tragic irony that in today's world of easy access to instant communication on a global scale, people are in essence communicating less and less. That said, however, whether we like it or not, there are things that we cannot change and therefore must learn to accept with fortitude and dignity. These are two qualities well worth cultivating. In life some things are not meant to last. If it is the demise of a relationship, we must learn to let go of the dream we held so dear. It takes courage to accept this and even greater courage to determine to move on and continue to embrace life in all its positivity and potential. The difficulty is knowing when to let go and when to continue trying. If one abandons us, there is little we can do but to accept that this too is part of living and from there move on as best we can.
michaelk Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 You're grieving the loss of your relationship, and that is something that takes a different amount of time for everyone. Like all major loss, you probably won't ever set aside that relationship 100%. But the fact is that it's done, and as sunshinegirl so rightly points out, it was due to his actions, and you can't do anything about that. So the question you have to answer is how are you going to live your life now that he's no longer part of it? The 'pat' answers you saw regarding getting out there and dating are aimed at helping someone in your position re-engage in life and thereby facilitate the process of recovery. Yes, we as a society do have more of a view that relationships are transient than in the past. But this doesn't change the fact that you have a life to live, and to spend it couped up nursing your hurt doesn't do you justice. You deserve to find happiness and fulfillment, and you're not letting yourself do that. Dating other people is only a small part of this, and perhaps one you're not ready for even now, but it's an important one nonetheless.
Kasan Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 The difficulty is knowing when to let go and when to continue trying. If one abandons us, there is little we can do but to accept that this too is part of living and from there move on as best we can. Here lies the truth. By not freeing yourself to move on to have a fulfilling life, you become a martyr to a failed relationship, thus cheating yourself out of so much.
sunshinegirl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 ^^^^^^ Kasan and Marlena have got it spot on. Couldn't have said it better myself.
Author Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I agree with what people are *saying* but it's easy to *say* and a whole different game to *do*. I'm not talking about still trying; I'm not still trying: I'm not contacting him nor do I intend to. I'm also weaning myself away from expecting to hear from him any time soon if ever. And I'm not at all not going out and living my life. That's exactly what I mean: since when does going out on dozens of dates constitute really LIVING? There's a part of me that finds dating fun, sure, but another part that finds it a pretty frivolous pursuit. Why not spend my time building up my interests, developing friendships, etc.? And therein is what I'm really asking about. When I feel truest to how I feel and what I want, I have to acknowledge that I am still very much in love with him. That is not me trying to get back with him; it is nothing less than a fact of ME. I am GreenCove, and I love ____. There were so many things I started with him that I want to continue: he introduced me to skiing and I loved it and I want to continue it and have been doing so, but doing so puts me in this strange kind of spiritual "dialogue" with him (with my memories of him). On a ski trip last week I rode lifts alone and thought about things and then as I skied I felt like I was skiing myself into the future, physically reconciling emotional things, if that makes sense. He introduced me to the concept of "following rules" and what that entails and he had certain interests that I was curious about and we planned one day to do a particular joint venture that brought our common and uncommon interests together. I loved the idea and I still want to do it, but have to do it without him. Pursuing these interests again puts me in this strange spiritual dialogue with him. And strangely, in those moments of being in this dialogue, I feel most myself, most true to myself and how I truly feel deep down. Maybe because I have the feeling of completing what was started and thus completing the growing I was doing with his presence in my life as a catalyst. He really inspired me in a lot of ways and here's where it's painful: the inspiration turned me on to him and I'd feel these bursts of love that I'd express to him and now that he's gone, as I continue to be inspired by him and carry out certain plans and projects that I'd conceived with him or while with him, the acting on the inspiration ignites those turned on, love feelings and so even as I'm trying to move AWAY I feel myself moving TOWARD. Even while, paradoxically, time is doing its work to pull us AWAY: we are no longer in each other's lives. Time is doing the letting go for me since my jubilation at, say, getting ever better as a skier puts me in the PRESENT even as while I'm skiing I'm in this kind of deep soulful "communication" with the past, with my love, with memories. So, assuming any of this made sense to anyone, this is the crux of what I mean. I'll not say more so as not to further garble what I've said. Any thoughts? I appreciate everything people have said so far very much.
michaelk Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 What you're describing is a process of internalizing your lost loved one. In being with him, he has become a part of you. I think this is natural in any significant emotional relationship. Now that he's gone, I'm sure you feel both good and bad when a part of you that he affected comes to the forefront. On the one hand you feel good about the personal growth that comes from having him as part of you. On the other hand you feel sad at the loss of the person who helped you grow. I imagine that over time, as you fully integrate him into yourself, those feelings will lessen. And I'm not at all not going out and living my life. That's exactly what I mean: since when does going out on dozens of dates constitute really LIVING? There's a part of me that finds dating fun, sure, but another part that finds it a pretty frivolous pursuit. Why not spend my time building up my interests, developing friendships, etc.?Why not? If that's what you want to do, then do it! No one says that dating is the only way to move forward. Developing interests and related friendships is a great idea. And who knows, at some point you might find a friend who you'd like to date. At which point, dating will seem less frivolous to you.
Kasan Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I understand what you are saying but on a different level. I had a friend who challenged me on so many things. She was quite a bit older so she saw things from such a different perspective. She encouraged me to start my business because in her world nothing was impossible. When she retired to Florida, I thought my heart would break because she was such a part of my life, as she was my mentor. Like you, I continued to grow, after she left, challenge myself and found other friends that I could encourage and who could encourage me. Although I wasn't in love with her, I felt her loss keenly. I did learn that letting go of my grief for the loss of this wonderful friendship allowed me to see all the other opportunities for friendship out there. Since then, I have made some amazing friendships, that are different, but just as fulfilling. You are just not ready for another relationship, you will let go when you are ready. And....by the way, it's too dangerous to go skiing by yourself!!!!! I think that's some kind of skiing law!!!!
Author Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 What you're describing is a process of internalizing your lost loved one. Yes, that's exactly it. What's confusing me is that this process--without me trying to win him back or living on a diet of hope that he'll eventually come back--in a way keeps me in the relationship. Meaning, if you think of a relationship as a unique constellation of "gravitational" forces, the process keeps me in that constellation. What I'm doing is still striving to become who I was striving to become IN the relationship. The reason is because that aim--of developing myself in a particular way that was inspired and supported by the relationship--continues to be valid to me even though the relationship is over. This is probably why I felt no wish to break up with him; despite our frustrations I still was deriving a great deal (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) from the relationship. He apparently was not, which probably was why he ended it. It makes me sad to think that here I was getting so much out of our being together while he got so little--or little that really meant something to him--and I don't know what, if anything, that says about him? Or about me? The fact that he does not share my feeling of richness and fortune in having this relationship makes me feel quite foolish, even while at the same time I derive benefit from continuing "in" the relationship in order to complete the development the relationship inspired. Yes. He is definitely a part of me. There were things about him that I wanted to "become," in a way, and I still am trying to achieve that; the moreso now that I can no longer derive what I was seeking through REAL interaction with him. I create that interaction in my mind as a way to nudge me in the direction I'm trying to go. What I don't understand is, why doesn't HE feel some internalization of me, that would have been indicated by his letting me go more reluctantly or treating me and what we had with more respect when he ended our relationship? I guess that question doesn't matter anymore...though I feel compelled, still, to pose it. Now that he's gone, I'm sure you feel both good and bad when a part of you that he affected comes to the forefront. On the one hand you feel good about the personal growth that comes from having him as part of you. On the other hand you feel sad at the loss of the person who helped you grow. I imagine that over time, as you fully integrate him into yourself, those feelings will lessen. Yes. And not just sad, but foolish, because something continues to be so precious to me that the key aspect of that preciousness (my ex) so determinedly threw away, to the extent that he wants nothing whatsoever to do with me and rejected every single effort on my part. It makes me feel confused because my natural inclination is to move forward by USING my memories of him and the relationship to pull me in the direction I was working toward while with him; this feels like my self-nurturing system guiding my development in the most natural direction and so I don't want to resist it; BUT then I feel like I'm the one who's stuck because I'm not willfully rejecting him and moving forward with him consciously BANISHED from my present...the way he banished me. Why not? If that's what you want to do, then do it! No one says that dating is the only way to move forward. Developing interests and related friendships is a great idea. And who knows, at some point you might find a friend who you'd like to date. At which point, dating will seem less frivolous to you. I don't feel like dating is frivilous by definition. More that "trying out" relationships like so many people do, just to have a relationship to entertain them, is not something I personally am capable of. If I bring someone into my life, I take it very seriously. If I don't feel it for someone, I can't fake it of just go along with it for the fun of it. I keep imagining how many dates he's probably going on, given he's so active on match.com and meetup, and I feel left out and again, very foolish, because here I am moving forward with my life, yes, but doing so by gently and carefully sorting through the rubble of our ended relationship and using the pieces as beacons to guide me into the future. In this state I wouldn't feel sincere in giving my attention to another guy--even if just for sex and fun dates. I'd start to feel duplicitous because inside a great part of me is at work sorting and planning and while that's still going on it's as though my ex is in the room with me. I just feel very small and foolish even while I know I'm doing what is natural and really something I'd be unwise to try to stifle, since it's where my psyche takes me whether I like it or not. Honesty: I am still in love with him, and so I have to reckon with that love; ignoring it will not make it go away. ANd yes, I'm engaged in lots of activities that keep me busy. It's just that I feel so ashamed and ridiculous that this clearly meant so, so much to me and not so much to him. It's funny because in the relationship HE was always the one afraid I was going to break up with HIM. I brought that up when we last saw each other a year ago today and said, "Given that, how would you feel if the tables were turned, as you'd always feared?" And he said, "I'd be extremely confused." And I said, "Exactly." And here I am, the one who is extremely confused, while he moves on peacefully and with little thought to me. "Looking for something completely different," his online profile headline reads. It all makes me just bow my head and feel like a little weed among very tall trees.
michaelk Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 You're really working hard to feel bad about yourself. His rejection of you is not about you! It's about him! You said he had a fear of you leaving him - well, why was he so insecure? Why did he feel the need to go out on match.com, etc. and start dating? He's missing something and is trying to find it, and it may be that no one can provide that thing but him. He's following his own path, as we all must do. There is nothing here for you to feel ashamed or silly about. Not the fact that you got more out of the relationship than him, not the fact you continue to feel for him, and certainly not the fact that he left you. Clearly you are an intelligent, thoughtful, loving woman with a lot of depth. You need to continue on the positive path you've established for yourself and feel good about that.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 You're grieving the loss of your relationship, and that is something that takes a different amount of time for everyone. Like all major loss, you probably won't ever set aside that relationship 100%. But the fact is that it's done, and as sunshinegirl so rightly points out, it was due to his actions, and you can't do anything about that. In addition to that fact is also this: I'm not sure how to proceed. My partner of 5 years broke up with me a year ago, and the breakup was a surprise and very much unwanted on my part. If it really has been a year and your still stuck in the same "break-up mode", then it might be time to consider talking to someone to get some clarification as to why you feel the way you do and how you can get over the hump. "Sh*t happens" in life and bad things can and do happen to good people. But I think that even you would agree (based on your post) that you wasted some aspects of 2007 in the context of emotional health and happiness. Do you want to spend 2008 the same way? A good therapist could help you take the next step... Mr. Lucky
sunshinegirl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 What I'm doing is still striving to become who I was striving to become IN the relationship. The reason is because that aim--of developing myself in a particular way that was inspired and supported by the relationship--continues to be valid to me even though the relationship is over. This is probably why I felt no wish to break up with him; despite our frustrations I still was deriving a great deal (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) from the relationship. It seems like you are putting a lot of stock in HIM specifically inspiring all of this development and growth...when it sounds to me like you thrived being in a relationship. In other words, you could be conflating things. Quite honestly you haven't posted a single thing about him that makes me think he was anything special. I don't see you doing any work to knock him off his pedastal, or to form new stories and perspectives about what your relationship was about (e.g. NOT "he was so wonderful and he inspired me and supported me" but "wow, I really thrived being in relationship with someone" or "gee, being part of a "couple" really inspires me to pursue my dreams/become the person I want to become").
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 My partner of 5 years broke up with me a year ago, ... ...even though this relationship is long over, I'm still "in" it, ... I still love him very much and see the things that came with having him in my life, and the "texture" of his "him-ness," ... as something that makes a great deal of sense in my life, still, and so there is no incentive to let those things go You do not need to "let go" the learning and meaning of your time with him -- you can take that forward AND at the same time not remain emotionally "stuck" in the relationship. Certainly there is never "incentive" to lose important and inspiring lessons we learn through our various life experiences. But we can create new goals that will lead us to the NEXT experience from which to gain fresh learning and inspiration. It is anticipating, with great joy and excitement, the next life adventure that will re-ignite our passions and motivate us to take another step forward. But I feel like I'm viewed as weaker or foolish for still having these strong feelings for him, No, IMO, it doesn't make your thoughts weak or foolish. But all your energy is being expended on something that is in the past, for you. The "being-ness" of him now only exists, for you, in your imagination; and it is this over-focus on the past that does not adequately nurture your FUTURE happiness, success and fulfillment. If you do see the value in choosing to stay "in" your long-over relationship, then obviously it is the right thing for you. As an observer, I can't see how this serves you for a happy and healthy future...but, it really doesn't matter that I can't see it. What is important is for YOU to know where you are headed, and how your current thought patterns are supporting your getting there.
michaelk Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 A good therapist could help you take the next step... GreenCove, you should take this suggestion seriously. I've had the experience of a therapist helping me sort through the aftermath of a significant relationship. It was invaluable.
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 What I'm doing is still striving to become who I was striving to become IN the relationship. The reason is because that aim--of developing myself in a particular way that was inspired and supported by the relationship--continues to be valid to me...despite our frustrations I still was deriving a great deal (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) ...I derive benefit from continuing "in" the relationship in order to complete the development the relationship inspired. He is definitely a part of me. There were things about him that I wanted to "become," in a way, and I still am trying to achieve that; ...I create that interaction in my mind as a way to nudge me in the direction I'm trying to go. What I don't understand is, why doesn't HE feel... Ah, okay! You feel as if there is no one else on this planet who can do such an excellent job of helping you become the person you are striving to become? I think I now get what you mean about feeling as if you're "still in" the relationship -- in your mind, you've set it up so that you're still "learning and becoming" with/through him...and THAT is the part of the relationship that you're "still in"? If above two interpretations/assumptions are kind of close to what you're feeling then...oh boy!...it takes incredible desire and determination to decord from that kind of attachment. And if my take is completely off-base, no need for me to type much more The one idea that helped me a bit was this: Pretend for a moment that he was indeed a kind of "karmic spiritual guide" for you. It offers an explanation of why he doesn't feel as you do in that his "job" or (spiritual-karmic) role in your life was ONLY as a teacher, and it is just fact that students are affected differently by their best teachers than those same teachers are, by any single student. Someone posted that his leaving was not about you, and that is 100% true. Neither are his current feelings or lack of feelings about you. And, as hard as it may be to feel now, he is NOT a part of you. He only helped to AWAKEN that part of you that you now think he is a part of (that either will or will not make sense. No matter.) I eventually got to a place where I totally understood that the Universe has someone else lined up, to guide me to my next level of becoming. BUT if I only looked back at "him and where I'd already been", I probably was not going to see my new "teacher". Be careful not to miss your NEXT teacher!!!
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