StevieJ Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Hi all, After opinions/advice! I'm 28, being seeing my girlfriend for 2 years, fairly serious relationship. She's been living in newcastle for the last three years, until 3 months ago when due to family situation she had to move back to her home town, 200 odd miles away. She is from a fairly small town, and has a 'core' group of friends, about 20 or so, most of them male. Obviously in a group like that, over the years they have relationships within the group, and I know she's had one proper boyfriend amongst that group, and slept with at least 2 others. I've avoided the whole 'how many people have you slept with' routine, because although i'm no saint myself, I just don't want to know about her past. Its purely random that I found out about one of her ex's, and that she's slept with at least two of these guys. My problem... Now that she's had to move back, I visit every weekend and have only recently met this group of friends. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to socialise with this group, knowing that at least three of these blokes have shagged my girlfriend. I know we all have a past, fair enough, but I don't wish to see or try and be friendly with anyone who she's been with. Its starting to be a bit of contention between us, I'm clearly not making any effort to get to know or join in with these guys, and make excuses for not going out. Its caused a bit of friction so far, but i just don't know what to do. Is it unreasonable to not want to be friends or even be around people she's been with? Or, should I 'grow up' and not let it affect me? (far easier said than done)
Bryanp Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I do not think it is unreasonable that you feel very uncomfortable having to socialize with three different guys who have had sex with your girlfriend. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting.
blue flower Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I understand how you feel .I think that if you dont make an effort to get to know them, maybe they'll start thinking you aren't good enough for her and comment about it. As she is so close with her friends and ex boyfriends she might really take into consieration what they tell her and endanger your relationship. What I would do is to talk to her and ask her if she sincerely doesn't have any other feelings than friendship ones for those guys. You cant keep her from seeing her all-life-long friends, and if you formalize your relationship (getting married or sth) you'll have to put up with them for the rest of your life; so start being friends with them (if there were still any attraction between your girl and them, if they know you are a nice guy and like you, they think twice before making a move on her).
StartingOver07 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I think it's reasonable of her to expect you to be cordial/friendly when you happen to run into her friends, but I don't see why you need to socialise with them. I can't imagine she'd want to join into a social circle that included many of your ex's. That said, why are you the one to always visit her? Perhaps you can alternate weekends so that she comes to you on occasion, which would also help reduce this problem.
Author StevieJ Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks for the replies! Just to clear up any confusion, there is no chance of her getting back with them, or them trying to pull her or anything like that, she has no feelings towards them in that way whatsoever. Its just the pure and simple fact that I know that at least 3 of these lads have been with her, and being in there presence winds me up! I don't mind her socialising with her friends, even the ones she has history with, I don't know why, but when I'm with her in their presence I get pretty angry and wound up. As if they all know a secret and I don't. It just p*sses me off to know they've been with her. She does come up to see me now and again, but I can claim milage expenses through work, so driving to see her costs about £40 of fuel (round trip) and i'll get £90 back from work for it. So it makes more sense for me to go there. I'm still unsure what to do. Make it clear that I don't like these individuals, and for her to make sure they aren't invited out when I visit... or be two faced and act friendly, whilst loathing inside... I am worried about the negative effect this could have on the relationship.
Nevermind Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Just a practical thought: if they are going out as a group it will be highly stressing for your girlfriend to actually not include those guys when you're going out. She would have to go out with you alone, most likely. Plus: even if it was possible to have those guys exluded it would not fare well with the other friends and they at the very least would comment on it. Yes, I think it would have a negative influence on your relationship. Can you not try to overlook the fact that they've had a relationship with your girlfriend? Try to see it this way: not you are the one who should wonder if the others know a secret. They should be wondering, because they no longer play that special role in her life. They are past. You are present. Maybe future. Be proud of that.
StartingOver07 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Ok. I guess I am still not seeing why this is an every weekend occurrence... or perhaps I am not reading you right? Personally, I'd find it exhausting to have to socialise with 20 other people all the time, regardless if that group contained my SO's ex's! She does come up to see me now and again, but I can claim milage expenses through work, so driving to see her costs about £40 of fuel (round trip) and i'll get £90 back from work for it. So it makes more sense for me to go there. So on the 'A' weeks, you go to her and then, on the 'B' weeks, she comes to you, using the 50 pound profit from the previous week!
Whyme_wtf Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I agree that it should be mutual travel. I also know how difficult it is to be in a social situation knowing her "friend" shagged her. But, all that aside, the true nature of your being a couple will be very visible to them. Try to trust it first.
bish Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Is it unreasonable to not want to be friends or even be around people she's been with? Or, should I 'grow up' and not let it affect me? (far easier said than done) No, its not unreasonable for you to feel this way. My question is...what is going through people's minds that they want to remain the kind of friends that hang out together that they screwed before? You think she'd like talking to someone that you boned 100 times over? I doubt it. Its one thing to be friends with your X's with regards to being civil when you meet...its quite another to schmooze it up with people you had sex with in the past. I consider myself friends with all my X's, with the exception of my XW, but it is not the kind of friendship where we hang out. I know it would bother the woman I'm dating now and I wouldn't disrespect her that way to begin with.
bish Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Thanks for the replies! Just to clear up any confusion, there is no chance of her getting back with them, or them trying to pull her or anything like that, she has no feelings towards them in that way whatsoever. So she says.
Alibi Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Thanks for the replies! Just to clear up any confusion, there is no chance of her getting back with them, or them trying to pull her or anything like that, she has no feelings towards them in that way whatsoever. Its just the pure and simple fact that I know that at least 3 of these lads have been with her, and being in there presence winds me up! I don't mind her socialising with her friends, even the ones she has history with, I don't know why, but when I'm with her in their presence I get pretty angry and wound up. As if they all know a secret and I don't. It just p*sses me off to know they've been with her. She does come up to see me now and again, but I can claim milage expenses through work, so driving to see her costs about £40 of fuel (round trip) and i'll get £90 back from work for it. So it makes more sense for me to go there. I'm still unsure what to do. Make it clear that I don't like these individuals, and for her to make sure they aren't invited out when I visit... or be two faced and act friendly, whilst loathing inside... I am worried about the negative effect this could have on the relationship. Stevie, I think you def have an argument. I too would feel uneasy and she should understand and compromise with you. If she doesnt then she is selfish and you should move on. Personally I wont even hang out or talk with anyone my fiance' used to have sexual relations with. I know if I was seeing someone I used to be "with" I couldnt help remember the times we had. Just a thought.
Author StevieJ Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Apologies about the delay in replying, its been a busy couple of weeks! Just to clear up the confusion about why I travel down to see her more than she comes up here, I currently work mon-fri in a village pretty much exactly half way between newcastle and her place. So, on a friday it makes more sense for me to drive 100miles down to see her, than for me to drive 100 miles back home and then for her to drive 200 miles up to see me...make sense? lol if they are going out as a group it will be highly stressing for your girlfriend to actually not include those guys when you're going out. She would have to go out with you alone, most likely. Plus: even if it was possible to have those guys exluded it would not fare well with the other friends and they at the very least would comment on it. You've grasped the situation exactly. Everyone is good friends with everyone else in this group. Its happened before where she's just invited a couple of people out with us for a quiet drink, but those couple of people mentioned it to one or two others who mentioned it to one or two others.... 14 of us ended up at the pub! Can you not try to overlook the fact that they've had a relationship with your girlfriend? I wish I could. Its so annoying, it just plays on my mind when we're out with her mates Try to see it this way: not you are the one who should wonder if the others know a secret. They should be wondering, because they no longer play that special role in her life. They are past. You are present. Maybe future. Be proud of that. That works fine for me the whole time we're NOT around her mates, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Soon as we are though, it starts knawing at me I guess I am still not seeing why this is an every weekend occurrence... or perhaps I am not reading you right? Personally, I'd find it exhausting to have to socialise with 20 other people all the time, regardless if that group contained my SO's ex's! Either Friday or Saturday (sometimes both) we'll go out. As there isn't a lot to do where she is, cinema/meal etc soon gets boring and so we'll end up going out to pubs or her friends houses. As this group of mates are quite close, when a few go out, others will tend to join them. Obviously not always a large group like 20, but at the minimum we're normally joined by 7 or 8. , its not unreasonable for you to feel this way. My question is...what is going through people's minds that they want to remain the kind of friends that hang out together that they screwed before? You think she'd like talking to someone that you boned 100 times over? I doubt it. Its one thing to be friends with your X's with regards to being civil when you meet...its quite another to schmooze it up with people you had sex with in the past It seems there was no bad blood so to speak for them to fall out over. They weren't ex's exactly, just either drunken flings or f**k buddies that fizzled out, so (much to my annoyance) they are all still mates. Almost all of this circle of friends she has have all known each other since school as well, many years! Just to clear up any confusion, there is no chance of her getting back with them, or them trying to pull her or anything like that, she has no feelings towards them in that way whatsoever. So she says. I'm 100% certain that she doesn't have feelings for them in that way, you'll just have to trust me on that, lol. Stevie, I think you def have an argument. I too would feel uneasy and she should understand and compromise with you. If she doesnt then she is selfish and you should move on. Personally I wont even hang out or talk with anyone my fiance' used to have sexual relations with. I know if I was seeing someone I used to be "with" I couldnt help remember the times we had. Just a thought. Yep, thats something else that bothers me, I don't want to think of her thinking about previous relations! You suggest a compromise...what should that consist of? I still don't know what to do about this whole thing...
StartingOver07 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Apologies about the delay in replying, its been a busy couple of weeks! Just to clear up the confusion about why I travel down to see her more than she comes up here, I currently work mon-fri in a village pretty much exactly half way between newcastle and her place. So, on a friday it makes more sense for me to drive 100miles down to see her, than for me to drive 100 miles back home and then for her to drive 200 miles up to see me...make sense? lol Well, it makes sense except 1. Unless you return to work on Sunday night, you are driving the full 200 miles on the return trip, so you are only saving 100 miles in total (do you really commute 100 miles to/from work each day? Yikes) 2. More important: Her coming to see you would help to resolve this problem. Even if she only comes to you once a month, that is once a month for you to be together without the group.
Author StevieJ Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 (edited) Well, it makes sense except 1. Unless you return to work on Sunday night, you are driving the full 200 miles on the return trip, so you are only saving 100 miles in total (do you really commute 100 miles to/from work each day? Yikes) 2. More important: Her coming to see you would help to resolve this problem. Even if she only comes to you once a month, that is once a month for you to be together without the group. 1.Yep, I return to work sunday night, as accomodation is provided. I stay over sun-thurs. (its very strict though, no visitors are allowed so she can't come up to stay) 2. She does come up about once a month, and yes its great to spend all weekend with her Edited January 22, 2008 by StevieJ
StartingOver07 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 1.Yep, I return to work sunday night, as accomodation is provided. I stay over sun-thurs. (its very strict though, no visitors are allowed so she can't come up to stay) 2. She does come up about once a month, and yes its great to spend all weekend with her Ok, so you basically live at work or at her house except for one weekend a month. So, plan B: Move to a location that is 50 miles between your work and her; then she can come to you every other weelend and you will halve your commute. Problem solved!
sally4sara Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I have a few exes that are still friends, but my boyfriend stays friends with his exes. He also has female friends that he has been intimate with casually and stayed friends with them after. It CAN work just fine. That being said, a few of his exes/female friends have been really cool. When we hung out together we had a lot of fun. They treated me respectfully and with genuine interest in getting to know me. In fact one of his female friends is coming to stay with us for a while. They became friends when he was 16, dated a bit when they were 17, and have been friends ever since. Why am I okay with this? Because some of his female friends/exes have been truly bratty towards me as well. I met them with a genuine interest in getting to know them and become friends too. They couldn't deal or act right. He saw that I tried and they behaved poorly and guess what? They are no longer around. So really, if you give it a go and they are really cool, you win. You get a new friend. If you give it a go and they act like a jerk, you can ask for their removal and you win by never having to deal with them again.
Alibi Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I think a compromise should be that she should try harder to understand how you feel about this and put herself in your shoes, also if she wants to hang out with this guy then you need to be there. You can guarentee that they still have a flirtation thing going on if they claim to still be good friends even after the relationship. The only time there isnt is if the two had a really bad falling out or it turned into a really bad mistake. In that case you wouldnt want to be near anyone you thought of as a mistake.
Florida Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I have no answers, this sounds like a gosh dang nightmare is all. If someone was to say tome "Florida, what is the worse case scnario you can think of after falling in love and being ion a relationship?" this would have to be it. You want it to work, but oh boy there is so much wrong here, and it seems unfixable given these are her pals, same crowd, won't break away from them, can't keep seperate friends within the group. Sounds too incestous on the whole. A big pack of roving make out buddies.
Florida Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) I know you want this to work, I guarantee you will break up over this. Let her keep her cherished make out buds, she'll learn that no one will put up with that. By the way, I'm not illiterate! I wrote that hurriedly. (insert lol faces) Edited January 28, 2008 by Florida
Author StevieJ Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Ok, so you basically live at work or at her house except for one weekend a month. So, plan B: Move to a location that is 50 miles between your work and her; then she can come to you every other weelend and you will halve your commute. Problem solved! Hmmm, problem is in a few months I'll be working in the north west, so moving house is pointless as after a few months I'll be moving again after that! You can guarentee that they still have a flirtation thing going on if they claim to still be good friends even after the relationship I've noticed this from a couple of the lads, but its not reciprocated from her. From what she's told me, she regrets the drunken flings as it ruined the friendships. Although she is still friends with them, they are not anywhere near as close as they were. Do I believe her? I do, as I don't doubt how strongly she feels about me, she's also a terrible liar, lol. Well, seems I have a choice, sally4sara's idea of attempting to be friends with her mates (including the ones she's slept with) or florida's idea of splitting with her... Am glad that others see this as a problem, and its not just me that suffers from it! Still not sure what to do, I don't want to split, everything else between us is going so well and I love her to bits
Audg1964 Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 Having moved 200 miles would be a huge concern for me. You totally are entitled to your feelings. That being said, my ex-husband was cool and friends with guys that I had been with, so long as they respected the fact that he and I were together now and that they never "dissed" me - ever. We were married, so it's a little different. Personally - I say - "keep your friend's close - your enemies closer." In other words, befriend some of these guys - or some of the girls, who can keep tabs on your girlfriend, given that she's now 200 miles away! Also, remember, she's with you now, find out how she feels about the guys she's been with. Does she still want to be with them - or with you. You need to ask her.
bish Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 It seems there was no bad blood so to speak for them to fall out over. They weren't ex's exactly, just either drunken flings or f**k buddies that fizzled out, so (much to my annoyance) they are all still mates. Almost all of this circle of friends she has have all known each other since school as well, many years! I'm 100% certain that she doesn't have feelings for them in that way, you'll just have to trust me on that, lol. Ok, some guys just have to learn the hard way.
trans Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 umm .. what i can tell you is that you really need to trust her on this .. u seem not to have much of an option out here .. im just guessing ur kind of feeling insecure about this right ?? .. its very natural .. its ok .. ull just become used to it .. and all u hav2 do is just trust her .. and things will go as smooth as ever
Spectre Posted March 5, 2008 Posted March 5, 2008 (edited) This is why girls shouldn't bone their close friends, you know the type of friends she will still want to see 10 years later? Always going to be awkward for the bf and, to me, he just shouldn't have to go through with that. Separate your exs and your friends ladies. If you're gonna have a little fling, don't do it with a guy you're still gonna wanna hang out with for years to come. No reason for him to feel awkward while you're laughing and talking about good times with a dude you boned. Edited March 5, 2008 by Spectre
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