Huge self-esteem issues

[Nevermind]

What do you think when you cross a street and a group of people is laughing?

 

a) Hey, what's funny? I want to laugh too!

b) Somebody must have told a great joke.

c) Are they laughing about me. I wish I were invisible.

 

I am c. And I have been it all my life. Nearly...I do remember being a happy child without much issues, who was running about, having lots of friends (boys, I was a tomboy!) but then...it was different. I didn't have friends after we all split up to go to different schools (not from the us, we have a sorting system according to abilities). I never really made it there and the group of people I ended up with never let me in. I was the outsider for 8 years and was bullied and pushed away for most of them. I really resent that I wasn't stronger and that I didn't go out to find other people to connect too. The city I was living in was very small and I chose to stay home and read and basically hide myself.

Now, I am in college and I don't find it easy to make friends. I am not in my first year and all the people I know have formed groups and have their circles of friends. Some of them I got together by introducing people. But in the end this always left me alone. Outside of the group. I really hate that I cannot understand how to build up a friendship.

Not that I am shy, initiating contact is easy for me. But after a while, I end up in my cave again. With books, not people.

Now if you think that I study like crazy...you're wrong. Deep down I am so afraid of being bullied again that I don't ever raise my hand in class. I resent that too.

 

You see. There are so many things I hate about me, that I started to think that I am not worth to have real friends and a happy life, because obviously other people are so much more successful in everything they do. I feel that I have nothing to offer and nothing to give. And I don't want to be a taker. When somebody makes plans with someone else and I am standing there too, I am not even sad any more about not being part of it.

Just glad in a weird way that I skipped an opportunity to be ridiculed or hurt.

 

More and more I am closing all doors that I have to the world and turn a stony face to everything. I close up my heart. I close my eyes and ears. I am afraid of what I do, but I cannot change it. Sometimes it feels as if I was trapped inside me.

 

And the only reasons why I can write that now is because I am really afraid and I am not really talking to anybody. Just typing something on a lifeless machine.

 

What am I asking? I don't know. For help, maybe. Or a self-help book. Or maybe just a yell to get myself together and to stop whining.

 

Sorry for the long text.

[ElvenPriestess]

I think alot of us, myself included, got bullied growing up. And I know it can seem easier to hide yourself rather than face the mere idea of that happening again. But think about this. You have these groups of friends that you helped introduce some of the people right? Well they obviously don't dislike you or they wouldn't let you close enough to introduce right?

 

So I'd say this fear has clearly left you alone and with a void of emptiness. Why not the next time you hear your friends chatting about a weekend out you chime in with "Hey you know I'm not busy Saturday either. What time did you say it was?" Or if you aren't ok with that, how about a one on one thing? Or you start up a group outing?

I was like that too. My ex boyfriend was the only person I'd be around. His friends invited us both places and I was too scared to do it. It took me a long time to over come this fear. I learned that I DO have something to offer. I'm a good person, I'm fun, smart, and I know how to have a good time. I'm willing to bet the same is true for you.

 

Don't be afraid to pick and choose. Not all friends I've made or attempted to make have worked out. And I in fact had one who took a terrible pleasure at making fun of me. (and he's 24. Time to grow up!) The funny thing is he would make fun of my physicalities, and not to toot my own horn here, but I'm very pretty.

 

You see what I'm saying right? You have to learn to put yourself out there, but not to just anybody. Get a feel for people's personalities. Mingle. I know it's hard, it won't happen over night. But you have to try it some time right? Or else it will always feel like it's you versus the world. It doesn't have to be that way. And we here on LS are very much here for you as you know, so the next time a situation of opportunity arises, tell us about it. We can help guide you.

 

You are a good person, you DO have alot to offer in a friend, don't ever question that.

[mscaprine]

Nevermind, don't worry, you're not the only one. I get like that too sometimes. It depends on how I'm feeling at the time, though.

 

Sometimes I think I can tell the whole world to fark off and not give a hoot who I offend, and other times if I worry too much about how people are thinking of me and I walk on eggshells to be nice. Wintertime blues usually mean I'm on the latter mind setting. It also depends on how fat I am. As a big gainer and loser of weight, I always feel more positive when I'm thin, or alternately, negative and depressed and sad when I'm overweight.

 

A LOT of it depends on outside circumstances, too: are you in a stressful environment that makes you feel inferior (you job, etc), do you allow family and friends to treat you like dirt? Do you have other issues that cause you worry, like unpaid bills or unexpected/scary health issues?

 

And are you maybe just trying to be like everyone else, even if you dont want to be? There's nothing wrong with having few or even no good friends. Some people prefer to have just one or two people they can be with sometimes, like a sister or something. Some people just prefer to be alone. If you are happy with that, why worry? Not everyone is meant to be a social butterfly. I would only worry if you want to have more friends than you do.

 

Some stuff you can change (like switching jobs) and I would say if you can to DO SO! The rest of the stuff you can't, come here and complain! I used to frequent this place a lot under a different name and it helps to know that you're not the only one. If nothing else, you'll know you're not that different and "strange" after all---and as a matter of fact, you'll find there's lots of legitimately strange people here. You don't sound like one of them. Sound pretty normal to me.

 

On the other hand, if you want to be more socially busy, don't focus so much on what other people want, find things that give you pleasure. Join a class, volunteer, just get outside with your dog, whatever. I think other like minded people will eventually find you. Just stop looking so hard.

Edited January 4, 2008 by mscaprine

[Nevermind]

Thank you for your kind words mighty ElvenPriestress,

 

I know that I have to try and keep trying.

What I didn't write above...is that I do and did try.

But whenever I had people come over to my place or iniciated something it always turned out bad. And I mean literally every single time. I invited people to watch movies, and they cancelled on me all of them the day they were supposed to come. Later I found out that some of them had met to go shopping. Which is fine, of course. Or when I asked people to go to the cinema with me and then they went to a party instead.

When the people I introduced to each other began to make plans I did kind of invite myself (by saying that I was free too, or that I'd like to see that new bar or anything) but whenever I met them it became clearer that they were seeing each other all the time without me and I just ended up being the 5th tire on the wagon. See, most of the introducing happened when we were all new at college and I was full of hope and energy, sure that I would find friends. They never introduced me to anybody though. Now the people I intruced are real friends, whereas I am an acquaintance.They're not impolite. They will talk to me if I initiate a conversation. But they will not do that themselves, not if anybody else is present. I take good care not to come off as needy when I am around these people, also because I know that this would only drive them further away. I am glad I have them. I am not being bullied and even though there are lot's of really mean people in my year...I am flying under the radar. You could say I am just too boring to bother.

 

I will take your advice on posting any social situation that comes up which I feel insecure about. But unless I initiate it, there won't be any. And I really don't know what I could do that I haven't tried already. I even put an advert for a book club on a student's magazine. Lol. Could it get any needier?

 

My problem is not really not having friends, but closing up emotionally. I am afraid that all of me that used to be me is draining out and all that will be left is an empty hollow shell. I am not particularly fond of me, but how are you supposed to live if there is nothing left to care?

 

mscaprine: Thank you! (What an interesting nickname. I thought of a ship in the waters of Capri, how great is that!?)

 

I am a student with little jobs now and then (I have a weird schedule and usually spend my day from 9.00 to 20.00 at the university, so a real steady job is hard to come by. I try to work during breaks and as a hired help whenever I can). So of course I am not happy with my financial situation. But it is not a real cause to worry, as my parents are supporting me. So there is no fear of starving. They are great and I am happy to have them.

I do have a lump in one of my breasts, but I had a doctor examine it (not a gynaecologist, but anyway) and he said it's not cancer. No worries there. Basically I really don't care about it and remember once every couple of months that I wanted to go have it checked again.

That's what I mean: there is just so little emotion left in me. Am I fat? I don't know. Maybe. I would like to look different, skinnier, better. My weight is 60kilos for 180cm. Well, 178 cm. You got me.

 

 

Basically I just don't want to be me. Maybe losing emotions is a good thing after all. So I won't trouble myself.

 

 

Thank you for your answers. I am glad there is the internet.

[ElvenPriestess]

Reminds me of that song I don't wanna be me by type o negative. :-) Seriously though, if you can't learn to like and love yourself, you can't really integrate that with friends right? Take who you were as a learning lesson. The molding blocks on the road that brought you to who you are today. Think of it as "I would never treat any one like that." Or "Look at who I've become, the steps I've taken?" In which case you aren't being over run by who you were, but instead are taking the best learning parts of it and making it a part of you.

 

Sounds like you have made strides. But you know what? These people haven't been considerate to you at all. Very rude, if I may say. It's time to forget the smug selfish kind and think of seeking out new territories. And I may say, I have THE BEST time with making male friends. Have you tried that approach? Guys are just so laid back it makes it easy. (Not them, the friendship. lol)

 

You're making great progress. And if you don't like certain aspects of yourself, perhaps you feel it's time to give the old engine a re-tune, then go for it. And when you realize you're happy with who you are, and you have the confidence needed to not let those selfish people stand you up like that, you'll discover TRUE friends. But as the other post has said, don't look too hard. It's just like with relationships. It will come. And when it does, seize the opportunity.

 

Volunteer groups, organizations, things of that nature are a GREAT suggestion mscaprine:-)

[lexi29]

Nevermind, I know how you feel. My answer would be c as well. I"m a little older than you but went thru the same thing when I went to college. You are making progress and trying to open up to people and it will get better. I still have trouble making friends as I have low self esteem and don't like to open up and talk about myself so I'm not considered very friendly. It sounds like you may be somewhat depressed but hang in there and dont' give up! you will find people to relate to and this will cause you to open up emotionally.

[Nevermind]

Thank you lexi. I hope your situation will get better, too. There's always hope. *shakesfisttotheworld*

 

I am a little happy now, because it has been snowing and when the world is such a magical place, how can you not feel better? It will be gone by tomorrow, both the snow and the happiness, but as long as it's there, I'll enjoy it. I wish you all a very good time and some magical snow-flakes. And thank you for responding.

[Nevermind]

It's back to university tomorrow. My belly aches. Why can't I have classes in a dark cave? Just me and uhm...a friendly teacher ghost. Both of us invisble.

[stbx2007]

Get a dog. If you have one get another. Take good care of them. Find a place to volunteer. You can start with the local homeless shelter. Volunteer to work on a Habitat for Humanity House. You don't need to know how to do anything they'll teach you. Get a part-time job at the bookstore or a restaurant. Get busy. You have too much time to think about yourself. People are thinking mostly of themselves. If they plan to go places in your presence without inviting you it could be that they don't think you would be interested. Have you turned them down in the past? Let me add that people are insanely rude and self-absorbed and have been for the last 15 years. Call them on rudeness when it happens. Keep focused on what you are doing in school. Your goal is to graduate. Join some groups or clubs that are involved in doing things you like. Volunteer. Get a job with United Way. Write for the school newspaper. Take acting lessons. Audition for any open calls. Go on a trip to Italy, Greece or Alaska. Do stuff. Just do them. Good luck.

[mscaprine]

I invited people to watch movies, and they cancelled on me all of them the day they were supposed to come. Later I found out that some of them had met to go shopping. Which is fine, of course. Or when I asked people to go to the cinema with me and then they went to a party instead.

I would say these people are not your friends. Sounds like they use you when they have no "better options" for the day. Better to move on. Find some people that really want to spend time with you.

 

Perhaps that by inviting yourself, though, they find that a little intrusive or maybe it appears you're being too needy? They might find this puts them off a bit also. To me, it sounds like you're just trying too hard to make friends. I would try to focus less on this, and more on liking yourself first. You sound like an ok person to me, everyone sometimes feels a little blue, but focusing too much on why people don't like you will just make you feel more poor about yourself.

 

It probably doesn't help that you are in college, as maybe you feel you are alone in a sea of strangers. That can be a very stressful time. You are doing yourself a great thing to be going to college though, and when you're finished, you will be able to congratulate yourself on sticking with it through great obstacles. That makes you a strong person, then, doesn't it?

 

I like the advice of getting a dog.....if you're a dog person to start with. But since I think you're on campus, you probably aren't allowed to do that. Perhaps you could volunteer to walk dogs at the local shelter, or find a few people that live nearby off campus that would appreicate having an occasional dog walker (a senior who doesn't get out much, perhaps, and finds it daunting to take the dog out much in bad weather).

 

My advice: start thinking, "I don't care what you all think, I'm a good person inside. There are people out there that will like me for who I am. It might not be you. It may take some time to find good people, but I will. For the time being, I will focus on my positive traits, I do have some even if you are too shallow or self-absorbed to see them, and I will do good things to better myself."

 

Another thing to keep in mind: often as you get older, you may find that you care less and less about what others think. You will discover that lots of people have the same concerns that you do and that you really aren't that different, after all. You'll be a mature adult, maybe with a husband, kids, other commitments, that'll make worrying about "why doesn't X like me" seem very unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

 

Take care.

[Taramere]

What am I asking? I don't know. For help, maybe. Or a self-help book. Or maybe just a yell to get myself together and to stop whining.

 

Sorry for the long text.

 

I don't think you need yelled at or told to stop whining. What I'm getting from your posts is that you have a fear of groups...eg your comment about thinking when a gathering of strangers are laughing, it must be about you. Almost certainly that's related to you being bullied and ostracised when you were younger.

 

Weaker members of groups often act as unfriendly gatekeepers who spend their time currying the favour of stronger group members while ostentatiously keeping out outsiders. The resulting insecurity or fear of not really belonging is what they're trying to project onto others. People who've got a healthy identity that's separate to the group's identity don't need to do that.

 

Disregard gatekeeper types and focus on the individuals within the group who you've got something in common with (eg sense of humour, similar interests, personality style etc). If they don't seem to be responding to friendly overtures you make, divert your attention to something else. They'll either come around or they won't, but there's nothing you can do to force it. Sometimes people are just reserved or caught up in thinking about other things, and aren't intentionally rebuffing you. Over-analysing and speculating on the reasons will just make you resentful, and encourage you to close off future avenues to friendship.

[annieo]

I remember going through a similar left out phase in high school, and I decided that I didn't want them, either. And happily, I fell in with the cool yet rejected/weird/alternative kids, which I thank god for. Much better fit for me. And I still tend to connect better with people who are real, approachable, not cliquey (I'm now 42).

I also remember that university was a brutal time for my sense of self, even with some friends.I think that's normal - it's a time full of newness and unknowns about the future. As time has passed, I have gone from being a stony faced, quiet, insecure wisp to my former, childhood self. I almost NEVER feel like I need to keep my hand down, avoid people or situations.

I know this advice may as well be coming from your mom, due to my age, but let this phase pass, don't for a minute think that the way your life is now is what it will forever be. They say that our basic personality forms and solidifies in childhood, so if you were a happy-go-lucky kid, you'll probably become a happy-go-lucky adult, eventually, once the insecurity of growing up is behind you. Have faith!

[Zolie]

Bless your heart, Nevermind. Your post breaks my heart for you. And I can relate to some of it. I too had to leave all of my childhood friends behind when we moved to another city, and then just as I made new friends in the new school, the city divided the school districts and I had to start all over again. It was hard.

 

I don't have much advice for you, but I am reminded of a story. Years ago I worked in a mall and I often saw this man walking around who was most unattractive. He had a large head, with a *very* high, protruding forehead, made even more prominent by his receding hairline. He was very odd looking. But, he walked around with his head high and he looked people in the eye and he smiled.

 

I came to know the man well enough as a friend to ask him one day what gave him such confidence. He told me he didn't use to have confidence and stayed home by himself a lot because he didn't want to face people. And he became so depressed he decided to seek counseling and his therapist told him to ACT confident, and he would then BE confident. It worked for him!

 

It sounds like a pat answer, but I think it does work for a lot of people.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Hi Nevermind,

 

I don't really have any advice to offer but your description of yourself is very similar to mine (plus I have some other things that others have mentioned). I would choose © every single time. I also vaguely remember being a young child who didn't think that way but it's been so long ago, I honestly can't remember when I turned the corner to low self-esteem...

 

You see. There are so many things I hate about me, that I started to think that I am not worth to have real friends and a happy life, because obviously other people are so much more successful in everything they do. I feel that I have nothing to offer and nothing to give. And I don't want to be a taker. When somebody makes plans with someone else and I am standing there too, I am not even sad any more about not being part of it.

Just glad in a weird way that I skipped an opportunity to be ridiculed or hurt.

Wow, this is me to a T... Others simply don't realize how crippling these feelings can be and I suspect that people with low self-esteem are often perceived as standoffish and/or rude. I guess the only thing I'd say is to listen to the good folks on LS; there are a lot of very smart, helpful, and insightful people here. I've just recently started reading "Self-Esteem" (third edition) by McKay and Fanning but I'm not far enough in it yet to give an opinion. I'll keep you posted. Take care and know that you're not alone (which I know is one of the things people with low self-esteem typically feel).

[CaliGuy]

Used to be C but now I am A and/or B and the only difference is I seek approval from within, not from others. Insecurities will quickly fall to the wayside when you put much less stock in what others thnk of you and TONS of stock in what you think about yourself.

 

Trust me, everyone is insecure to a degree. The question is how you handle it. Do OTHER people's opinion of you change anything about YOUR life? Of course not and why should it?

 

In the end, you're the one who's living in your skin. Who gives a flying flip what others think about you? Seek approval from within. Love thyself so you can learn to love others.

 

Cheers.

Edited February 16, 2008 by CaliGuy

[Miyamoto]

Something to add - when ppl would give me the advice, "be yourself" or "seek your own approval" I'd always be like, HOW?? The reason I need outside approval is because for some reason I don't WANT to "be myself," and how the hell can I seek my own approval when I don't consider myself worthy?

 

Well, my HOW is knowing that I do something well. When I'm feeling down, I go win or improve myself at something. That physical improvement leads to the "inner" improvement folks talk about.

 

Discuss?

[CaliGuy]

For me it's simple.

 

Stop giving a damn what others think about you. You DO NOT need someone else's approval to be you.

 

The reason for other's approval and desire deep within is because you do not love or respect yourself. Until you learn to do that you will continue to feel unworthy.

 

You are no different than anyone else on this planet. God made us all the same. We just have different talents, but in God's eyes we are all equal no matter who you are.

 

Also:

 

The quickest way to build confidence and self-esteem is to do some of the things you fear the most.

 

Heights? Go sky diving.

Water? Take scuba diving.

Talking to people? Start conversations with strangers.

Men or Women? TALK TO THEM.

 

You get me? In order to build confidence you have to overcome your fears. And the only way to do that is to face them.

Edited February 18, 2008 by CaliGuy

[jerbear]

Also:

 

The quickest way to build confidence and self-esteem is to do some of the things you fear the most.

 

Heights? Go sky diving.

Water? Take scuba diving.

Talking to people? Start conversations with strangers.

Men or Women? TALK TO THEM.

 

You get me? In order to build confidence you have to overcome your fears. And the only way to do that is to face them.

 

Sorry to piggy back but I would like to add that one of my friends did the scuba diving thing. Ended up being certified. Not deep sea but it is a start.

 

For me, I started to conquer heights by repelling off walls and indoor rock climbing, it was fun! For water, I found out that I have the lungs to swim a complete olympic sized lap.

 

You'll be surprised what you can do, definately a confidence booster. You might also find a new hobby.

 

Another sport is golf, it is a sport where you compete with yourself and improve your own score. Great stress reliever and I now know why it replaced tennis.

[mscaprine]

Stop giving a damn what others think about you. You DO NOT need someone else's approval to be you.

EXACTLY!!!!! I think we all spend way too much time doing/not doing things according to whether we think others will admire us for it. We really have to stop this kind of thinking. We all fall for it sometimes, but we have to train ourselves to crawl out of that hole quickly.

The reason for other's approval and desire deep within is because you do not love or respect yourself. Until you learn to do that you will continue to feel unworthy.

I agree again! If I get to feeling like people don't like me, I say to myself: Who are they that I would care that much? Are they perfect? (No) Do they have faults themselves? (Yes) And do they really know who I am deep inside, do they know all my really good points (Probably not, because they are too busy competing against and judging others in order to foster their own low self-esteem issues).

 

Another tip: I avoid poisonous people. To punish myself by subjecting myself to people who take pleasure in hurting others will pull anyone down eventually. I do my best to avoid such people---even if it means they dislike me for being distant. I am grateful to have peace of mind. My sanity comes before their selfish interests.

 

And if I feel I have no good qualities? I have to remind myself that I do, I've just been tricked by others' unkind behaviour into thinking I'm unworthy of living. Always remember that if people treat you badly (unless of course you are downright rude or hostile to people), it's not because you are a bad person, it's because they are lacking in something themselves and "using" you to make themselves feel better. They are evil and lacking in compassion, and therefore you should consider them unworthy of your consideration.

 

Look for the good people---they are much rarer than the bad ones, but look long and hard enough, and you will find them.