Krytie TV Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 So yeah, giving the dating thing a break after my most recent experience. Time to build back up to get back in the game next season. But I have some observations. Mainly, I'm finding that apparently, as much as I didn't want to believe it and tried to debunk it, I do need to start acting in a way that is not the normal me in the dating world. I say this because I feel that 10 out of 10 experiences is very telling... being myself does not work. I have absolutely no difficulty with the initial attraction and asking out phase, it all goes to crap after that though. People say 'if you want to call her the next day, call her the next day'. Nope, wrong. That doesn't work. Apparently there actually is a timeline that one needs to follow in order to be accepted as "normal". "Who makes these stupid dating rules?" people ask... well, the people that are dating, apparently. So OK, feign disinterest and use sparse communication... got it. Also, I've decided that showing any amount of interest or sexuality (not creepy sexuality) while on dates is a bad call. Apparently, anything short of not showing any interest is a huge turn off... no matter how much fun everyone seems to be having. So, do not ever initiate contact or interest... got it. Most of all, I need to stop with this crazy notion that people's time is valuable (mine is, but apparently I'm an outlier) and do not try to actually set up a date days in advance. I'm guessing people truly do want you to call one hour before you want to go out. This lack of respect for people's time and importance must be the approach I've been missing. So, no planning ahead... got it. This sounds like a bitter rant, but actually, these are seriously lessons that I'm learning. This site and the people that say things to the contrary, are merely a microchosm that does not reflect the true behaviors of the real world, or at least my geographic world. I always thought the best approach was to be myself and let whatever happens, happen. That can only go on so long before it becomes a carnival of disasters. So after I finish my hiatus, I'll have to go back at it and learn the "other" way to date. The way that is apparently required for success. And before anyone asks, "but do you really want to be with someone that you can't be yourself around?" Trust me, I ask this question daily. Apparently that answer is yes, or, at least, it's worth a shot. I have had many good and bad experiences with relationships in the past. But I have NEVER been so lost and confused as I am now. Anyone have any thoughts on the matter? I appreciate some people's concepts of the "divorced look" or whatever, but I don't really buy into it. Not for me.
Nevermind Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Krytie, I am so sorry to see you in such a state. Here's a woman's point of view. Asking for a date a couple of days in advance: great! Thank you! You're giving me time to relax, find a nice outfit and arrange my other responsibilities. How thoughtful of you! Asking for a coffee 2 weeks in advance: a bit strange. We can have a small coffee and if you want to go to the cinema right afterwards, why not? If we both have time for it. Being spontaneous is great. If you're asking me for a coffee in starbucks next month I feel that you cannot interact without preparation and feel uneasy because I don't what you're expecting from me. See? Different situation requiere different behaviour. But that doesn't mean that you have to buy a dating bible. Just try to put yourself in the other one's shoes. Showing sexual interest Good: Wow! You've maintained eye-contact the whole evening. And when I went to the bathroom I could feel your eyes following me. But you treated me like a lady and I feel desired and gorgeous. Bad: Ewww. You have problems talking to my face. And in the last 10 minutes you have been touching my knees and other parts of my body that are really none of your business. When I went to the bathroom you called me "sexy" nicknames through the entire bar. Who do you take me for? Calling the next day: Good: When I came home after work you called and thanked for the nice date. You asked how I was and listened when I answered. We agreed to go on another date. Can't wait! Bad: You called at 3.00 because you just couldn't wait and technically it's morning already. Yeah. And I have to give a presentation and need my sleep. The following 11 calls on my mobile creeped me out a little. But when I saw the 17 messages on my answering machine I decided never to date you again. Back off! Don't follow rules. Rules are stupid. Try to see the other as he/she really is and make them comfortable. Be yourself. If you're not yourself and you're dating someone, all you do is lie. You can never a good relationship with this. And it's unfair to your partner. Be yourself and don't give up.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Here's a woman's point of view. Asking for a date a couple of days in advance: great! Thank you! You're giving me time to relax, find a nice outfit and arrange my other responsibilities. How thoughtful of you! Asking for a coffee 2 weeks in advance: a bit strange. We can have a small coffee and if you want to go to the cinema right afterwards, why not? If we both have time for it. Being spontaneous is great. If you're asking me for a coffee in starbucks next month I feel that you cannot interact without preparation and feel uneasy because I don't what you're expecting from me. See? Different situation requiere different behaviour. But that doesn't mean that you have to buy a dating bible. Just try to put yourself in the other one's shoes. Showing sexual interest Good: Wow! You've maintained eye-contact the whole evening. And when I went to the bathroom I could feel your eyes following me. But you treated me like a lady and I feel desired and gorgeous. Bad: Ewww. You have problems talking to my face. And in the last 10 minutes you have been touching my knees and other parts of my body that are really none of your business. When I went to the bathroom you called me "sexy" nicknames through the entire bar. Who do you take me for? Calling the next day: Good: When I came home after work you called and thanked for the nice date. You asked how I was and listened when I answered. We agreed to go on another date. Can't wait! Bad: You called at 3.00 because you just couldn't wait and technically it's morning already. Yeah. And I have to give a presentation and need my sleep. The following 11 calls on my mobile creeped me out a little. But when I saw the 17 messages on my answering machine I decided never to date you again. Back off! I love it! It could almost be a comedy skit. But it's all so true!! Happy mediums here, nothing over board or distasteful and you'll be fine. And if you're not yourself eventually it WILL come out and then it's worse than just being upfront and honest.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 While I genuinely fear being considered part of the microcosm you spoke of, the real you, not the fake one, is the one I find most interesting. In fact, although I am happily engaged (not figuratively) hundreds of miles away, the initial Krytie is an appealing sort. Very appealing. Has that helped you today? I doubt it. It's just my opinion. Be patient. Do not seek. I guarantee she will find you if you simply stop searching for her and relax. Breathe, baby, breathe.
Author Krytie TV Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Nevermind, I understand your point of view, and even deep down want to agree with you. It's just that struggle of what people tell you is good and then what the real world shows you is good. Obviously I'd never prefer to misrepresent myself in a romantic situation, there just comes a time when you are forced to step back and re-evaluate the way you do things. That's all this is for me. I am definitely seeing a reason to change the way I do things though. Changing in a way that it may take me a while to become comfortable with, as it's not my true nature. DDL, Thanks darlin. I really appreciate that. You know, there's no shortage of seemingly "ideal dating mentalities" here on LS. The problem comes when you get up and walk out the door into the real world. Everything we talk about here goes right out the window and realities take over. Those things that sound ideal here have now become scarce or nonexistent in reality. I do know that I've gotten myself in a nonproductive loop and need to remove myself from it. So, as you say DDL, I'm definitely gonna put that away for now and focus on the other priorities that are forming in my life right now. No more seeking.
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Is it the dating mentality or is it that you haven't found the right match? While I don't believe in soul mates, I do believe there's a limited number of compatibles and it takes time to find the match. Ah, who knows, since I'm currently off the dating market due to emotional burn-out from this entire year. I will say that I've met some very nice people and some real bastards. In another time, one specific nice guy would have have been a consideration but I wasn't ready for the breakneck speed that he wanted to enter into a relationship. It was solely my side of the equation that created the bust. Krytie, perhaps this might be your issue, as well. Are you honestly emotionally ready for something real?
Nevermind Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It's your decision, but if you do the opposite of you what you were doing...it might not be good either. If you happened to meet the woman who really would fall for you you will never know it. And she will walk away, because she doesn't like the mask you're wearing. And I could easily write up situations in good or bad for a guy not calling the next day, asking for a date 20 minutes before it's supposed to start, and showing no interest in the other person. It's because there are no real good or bad, just different situations. There are no rules, and if you start following a different set of rules because you think those will help you...you'll end up where you started. No mask is perfect, even if you'd get more dates, in the end the women would feel that something isn't right and would leave. And if they don't you'd always have to live a lie. Can you really want that?
Author Krytie TV Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Is it the dating mentality or is it that you haven't found the right match? While I don't believe in soul mates, I do believe there's a limited number of compatibles and it takes time to find the match. Krytie, perhaps this might be your issue, as well. Are you honestly emotionally ready for something real? The dating mentality is definitely a large part of it. It's difficult to comment too much on whether I've found the right match as I have had limited time to actually get to know anybody. I would say that have been two people that I could have seen getting on well with, but that was only my perception I guess. I have to assume that I am riding a random wave of incompatibles, and at another time this all may have come about very differently. And yes, I am emotionally ready for something real. I have just been finding that in lieu of that "real thing" I'm taking the time to do what I want. It's OK for anyone else, and it's OK for me. In fact, with each one of these silly things I do, I find more and more that I am ready for something more.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 That is not surprising to me at all. I know that you are ready for, and desire, something truly substantial. I just feel it in your blood, Krytie. I know it will happen and come to you. Maybe when you least suspect it. (Would that be NOW?) This whole "divorce face" thing....how long has it been? My suggestion is 12-18 months. Just my suggestion, however.
Author Krytie TV Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Well, we shall see when it happens. As for the divorce, it was legally finalized in June '07. I moved out of the house and out of the state in April/May '06
dropdeadlegs Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Well, we shall see when it happens. As for the divorce, it was legally finalized in June '07. I moved out of the house and out of the state in April/May '06Legal finalization has nothing to do with the finalization within ones heart. You do the math. 12-18 months is till my suggestion. Only you know when your heart is ready.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Legal finalization has nothing to do with the finalization within ones heart. Truest of words right here. I'm only in the initial phases of divorce proceedings, but I know that when I move back to the states to start over I will need a long recovery, and may be bitter for a while. I would be one of the people that might make guys think the way Krytie does. But honestly it's case by case with dating, you can't really stereotype or go by one set of guidelines.
Author Krytie TV Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I also had an 8 month relationship that ended in June that allowed me the opportunity to work out my weirdness and get back into the non-married world.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I also had an 8 month relationship that ended in June that allowed me the opportunity to work out my weirdness and get back into the non-married world. I remember what you shared about that relationship.
shockandawed Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Krytie, Great thread! I have uttered every thought and frustration you have voiced over and over myself. In the last 12 months, I have "met" over 40 girls. Now many of them were a quick 10 mins at a Starbucks, but there has been several with muliple dates and strange endings. Like you, I have analyzed and reanalyzed every single one of them. I think one of the biggest changes in recent dating is the online mentality. For example, look at the fact that I have met over 40 women in the last year. Until recently, it would have been impossible for a middle aged, divorced man to have met that many people. but now, it is relatively easy. I think what that has done is given a "supermarket" mentality towards dating. In the past, dates weren't that plentiful, so the opportunities meant so muich more. You tended to look past the minor flaws, etc that we all have and focus on the big picture. Now, a guy makes one stupid line, screw him, there were a bunch of new good looking guys on match.com today. The profiles all scream perfection, when sadly, no one truly is. But they lead to the illusion and expectation of finding that. Despite all of this, I totally agree with Nevermind and all the others, be yourself man...you will find the someone who truly wants that.
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I can't imagine trying to be fake with someone and being able to maintain that fakeness for any length of time. It would be exhausting. Maybe women really do have it easier. I'm a quirky, weird person and I have never been able to be anything but who I am (at the time, which has changed vastly over the years). I can't help but idealistically believe that there's someone out there who will adore the quirky weirdness that is you, Krytie.
Recommended Posts