Nguy16 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 My scenario is a little different. She cheated and has been lying and isn't sure she wants to be married. Her friend is telling me that she will meet me halfway by seperating. I don't see that as halfway. If she wants a divorce and I don't, then meeting "halfway" by me moving out of my house so she can now engage in all the activities she has been doing anyway - but now be guilt free - while I live in a crappy apartment. I know I'm bitter, but that doesn't seem to be a compromise. Seems like she get cake and eats it and I get the shaft. She will get to live the single life and do everything she wants without responsibility. I know that she will have a ball in the short term and that it would be a very long time before she got lonely or realized that the relationships she is having are empty etc. (her friend is recommending it because it helped her and her husband and after a couple months he came begging back). She makes her own money and won't feel any financial pressure of living "alone". Just seems like if she isn't sure she wants to be married, so her being able to be single without guilt isn't working on the marriage - but rather her working on being single. The people that seem to say it can help always point to :they end up not liking being single and realize they did like being married more than single :they underestimated how much the spouse provided or did for them :they get lonely and realize they miss their mate and others I suppose - but I don't really see these applying to us. Can someone share with me how a seperation actually resulted in a reconciliation? Especially since we are in the opposite situation that many. I really want to fix us - but I currently am very pessimistic about a seperation being anything other than delaying the inevitable and just stretching out my pain all while she gets to live guilt free and have a ball. I'll be miserable and she will have fun. That will just make me more resentfull and angry and unhappy. I am tempted to say, if you want to seperate then you move out and I'll put the house on the market. Other thoughts?
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 My scenario is a little different. She cheated and has been lying and isn't sure she wants to be married. Her friend is telling me that she will meet me halfway by seperating. I don't see that as halfway. If she wants a divorce and I don't, then meeting "halfway" by me moving out of my house so she can now engage in all the activities she has been doing anyway - but now be guilt free - while I live in a crappy apartment. I know I'm bitter, but that doesn't seem to be a compromise. Seems like she get cake and eats it and I get the shaft. She will get to live the single life and do everything she wants without responsibility. I know that she will have a ball in the short term and that it would be a very long time before she got lonely or realized that the relationships she is having are empty etc. (her friend is recommending it because it helped her and her husband and after a couple months he came begging back). She makes her own money and won't feel any financial pressure of living "alone". Just seems like if she isn't sure she wants to be married, so her being able to be single without guilt isn't working on the marriage - but rather her working on being single. The people that seem to say it can help always point to :they end up not liking being single and realize they did like being married more than single :they underestimated how much the spouse provided or did for them :they get lonely and realize they miss their mate and others I suppose - but I don't really see these applying to us. Can someone share with me how a seperation actually resulted in a reconciliation? Especially since we are in the opposite situation that many. I really want to fix us - but I currently am very pessimistic about a seperation being anything other than delaying the inevitable and just stretching out my pain all while she gets to live guilt free and have a ball. I'll be miserable and she will have fun. That will just make me more resentfull and angry and unhappy. I am tempted to say, if you want to seperate then you move out and I'll put the house on the market. Other thoughts? DO NOT MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT LEAVE!!!!!! If she wants to fool around she can leave!!! You could buy her out of the house!!! Her friend is an jackass too, plan b both of them and go get a lawyer find out your rights!!! Dont take any bull sitting down! Man up!!!
Author Nguy16 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 yes I saw all the speeeelllling errors in my post. I know it is separation not seperation - but was thinking I'd get a spell check. Sorry just typed very fast and was in email mode which has auto spell check. i'm really not that stoopid
Author Nguy16 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 unfortunately I cannot buy her out of the house. It has more than doubled in value and with our combined incomes we could not afford to buy our own house today at market value. I make a little bit less money than her and I'd have to get a mortgage for about 800 to buy her out - which cannot be done. the upside? I am not terribly emotionally attached to the home and know I can buy a different one when the time comes. Also because of the increase in value, I will at least get some money from the sale - but bottom line - neither of us can afford to own it alone and neither of us can afford the current mortgage payment alone - hence, I say, you want out - lets sell. - then file.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 unfortunately I cannot buy her out of the house. It has more than doubled in value and with our combined incomes we could not afford to buy our own house today at market value. I make a little bit less money than her and I'd have to get a mortgage for about 800 to buy her out - which cannot be done. the upside? I am not terribly emotionally attached to the home and know I can buy a different one when the time comes. Also because of the increase in value, I will at least get some money from the sale - but bottom line - neither of us can afford to own it alone and neither of us can afford the current mortgage payment alone - hence, I say, you want out - lets sell. - then file. Good, your already on the first step. Sell the house and split the proceeds. I also say go plan b on her ass. Seperation is for nothing. All that is is, a legal permission to sleep around while being legally married. Her friend is toxic too. I bet they have probably villafied you to no end. Have you exposed the affair and the reason for the divorce? Friends and family , I mean everyone you both know needs to know your side of the story.
LifesontheUp Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) I honestly don't believe that it has anything to do with how the situation came about but more to do with the state of your relationship and how your wife feels about you. Seperating is always risky but what other options do you have? Still living together and her carrying on contact with the other man? Your wife is treating you so disrespectfully that for YOUR sake you need time away. In my case I threw my xH out day after d-day because he wouldn't give up the OW. Yeah I heard it all....she was his soulmate, his crutch, he couldn't live without her etc etc and I was the evil wicked witch he no longer loved. So I packed his stuff and told him to go be with her. It was one of the hardest things I had to do but it was worth it for MY sanity. There was no way I was living with a third person in our marriage. I even went for legal advice in the first week and he rung me in the middle of my appointment to ask where I was. You can bet I told him what I was up too Within a fortnight he was begging to come back, but I wasn't ready to take him back into the home, I wanted some more time to think, and to continue with counselling. You see, I started doing things for ME whilst living on my own and I realised once my emotions began to level that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I ended up divorcing him. So like I said its risky and what your wife may not understand is that you may not want her back if she decides she wants to make a go of it at a later date. You need to knock her off the fence and see which side she falls. You can only do that with actions and that means seperating and taking legal advice. I do agree with Chrome that you shouldn't be the one to leave though. Its your wife who started this and will not stop so she has to pay the price by leaving. Edited January 4, 2008 by LifesontheUp
cj1988 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 From what I have experienced and what I have seen others go through, DO NOT SEPERATE. I was seeing my now H when I told my EX that I wanted a break. He did not know I was seeing someone, so he left and thought I would miss him when in fact it gave me more time to cheat. I have a friend, his W ask for space 4 months ago, he said OK and now she does not want it anymore and is filing for divorce and has moved on.....I do not think it is a good idea, especially if she is a liar and a cheat. I am taking a break from my marriage right now, but not cheating. I am doing this for me before we do end up hating each other. He is fighting me on this but for the wrong reasons, not because he wants me because he is a coward and has no where to go......so think about it....
Woggle Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Tell her that if she walks out that door you will not fight her one inch but if she does she shouldn't even think about walking back in. If she wants out give her out but make she means it. Also you should not have to leave the house when she is the one who chose this. Get a good lawyer and fight her on this. Why do you even want her? Do you think so low of yourself that you think the best you can do is a woman that had betrayed you and treats you with no respect whatsoever? I would rather move back into the projects than live in a mansion with a woman like that. I hope this works out for you even if the marriage dies.
Nomad1 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Let her go man. Go for divorce and sell the house. At the end of the day that it is what is likely to happen in the long run. I am in a worse situation. I have 3 kids with her and a big very nice house that I spent so much getting to the standard it is now. I filed for divorce yesterday and the house viewing starts tomorrow. It wil probably take 3 months or so before everything is finalised. I know that I will be happier once I start living on my own. Cut her loose man and don't think about what she may be getting up to. People who do the things she is doing are never really happy as they keep pursuing what they can't have and only realise it when they lose what they had. Often it is too late. Erase her from your memory and avoid her like the plague. Don't fall for let's be friends BS. I have to go along with the let's be friends thing because I have kids with her and it sucks! Nomad1
Mz. Pixie Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Separations do work but not when either party is seeing someone. Your wife is still actively involved in the affair- so separating is going to do just what you said it would do- allow her to pursue single life. Do not leave your home. The only way separations work is if both parties are not dating anyone and they are attending marriage counseling or individual counseling and are actively trying to work on the marriage. Your wife isn't.
Author Nguy16 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Seems the majority of the responses so far are in alignment with my current thoughts - which I didn't expect. Lots of people have been saying to me (in real life) "have you thought about a separation?" - just seems like everyone accepts it as the next progression in trying to work it out. I love(d) this woman with every inch of my soul. We have been together for 11 years and I had loved our life together and was proud of our relationship. That is until she went crazy I am more than willing to work to fix things through counseling etc - but she is not currently even sorry for her actions and "not sure" she wants to fix it. I am starting to get a spine and it feels good yet is sad at the same time. (she is taking 10 days over the holidays at her parents away to "think") So I have to share and almost funny story - last night, I asked if she has been thinking about what she wants and if she even wants to be married. She said "no" I haven't thought about it. I said, "well, just know I don't deserve to hang in limbo". She screams, "fine you want an answer right now - then I don't want to be married". (I immediately saw this for the controlling action it was and decided I'm done being walked on). I said VERY calmly, "ok, well I wont stop you, as a matter of fact, I'll call a lawyer in the morning and start some paperwork - I don't want to keep you in this miserable marriage one minute longer than you want". She screams "FINE" and slams the phone down. seriously 120 seconds later, the phone rings. She continues in yelling tone, "I just want the last word so I have something to say", me-staying calm no matter what:"well I thought the last conversation you did. So you want to say something and you don't want me to respond?" her:"YES, I just want to say that you are pushing me for a decision and I'm not ready to decide"...... The conversation went on from there and it calmed down. We talked and I said I'm willing to fix - but won't do it alone and that when she returns we either work on it or not. I think she was caught off guard me standing up for myself and she is famous for these wild angry outbursts - which almost always end in me apologizing (in the past). Anyway, please do NOT start a sub thread of conversation about my story or specific situation - I only wanted to share because I thought it was funny that her throwing the big D card backfired on her. (which I am searching for a referral to a lawyer as we speak - I want to be trigger ready) I would like to hear more opinions about if serparation worked for you (or not) and how/why. and by worked I mean reconciliation back into a marriage you are glad you are in
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