abeliever Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 JM- I value your opinions I do. But this is wrong. From a BS let me tell you no matter how far I would be in recovery I would want to know ALL contact with OW no matter how innocent it is. You run the risk of setting your M back by making no mention and keeping it a secret. So with that, you need to be totally honest, unless upon reconcile she said to you "if OW contacts you I do not want to know anything" if she didn't say this to you, better tell her before she finds out. Just know this could set you back but know it is the right thing to do. Good Luck. I do hope you two can work it out, it is very hard but total disclosure is the ONLY way to achieve it. abeliever
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 You ignored her email, right? I'm going to guess that, based on this, he responded: I normally shut them down with a very brief and closed response. Triarge, I don't know what guidelines you and your W have laid out as part of your M recovering from the A. As someone who was cheated on, I'd want to know about (and would feel I'd have the right to know) any conversation going on, regardless of how "brief and closed" it might be. Just my opinion... Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 (edited) No, I didnt tell her to not contact me again. I have to see and talk to her around the building as part of my work anyway so I cant avoid all communication. You can and should tell her to only talk to you, email you about BUSINESS and WORK related issues. Anything outside of that IS crossing lines. The less you know about her personal life and the less she knows of yours, let alone dropping hints and trying to open the door a crack so feelings are still being fed, the better you'd be by telling her what I mentioned above. I know this isnt the cookie-cutter way of dealing with these situations but it is working for me. Yes my wife would want me to tell her to get lost but my wife doesnt have to deal with her everyday. She's my superior. She could make things difficult if she really found a motivation for it. The bottomline then is, maybe it's time to think about finding another job or be transferred. The consquences are pretty high here, but I'm sure you knew that beforehand.. I bet your wife would be very pleased if you left this job, and you would feel less stress and worry about what if the OW decided to play a game with you, mess with your career.. I know the OW is still fishing. I got another mail yesterday asking if I was 'ok?'. She said I looked troubled or tired like I hadnt had any sleep. I found this amusing because I feel great. She obviously is looking for a reaction to her 'news of a new fella'. Yes and she will do this more and more until you either cave and ask questions and react OR it can stop by you telling her to stop it. The fact is that I really dont care one bit. Not even slightly. You know this, but the OW doesn't and she will keep on trying UNTIL YOU take control and tell her not to contact you for any "personal" reasons. And, I'm sure your wife cares, alot. Edited January 8, 2008 by whichwayisup
smartgirl Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Triarge, you've already taken action but I wanted to weigh in with my POV anyway. I've had many discussions with my H along these lines. It is VERY important to me to know about any non-professional contact from the OW. The mere fact that he is willing to tell me makes me feel that I can trust him and takes away some of the sting of all the conversations I didn't know about during and just after the A. Everyone focused on whether to tell her about the email. That was the least important information in my view. To me, the key information was how 1) you didn't care what the OW was doing anymore in her personal life and 2) how you don't think about her at all during the day anymore and how good you feel because of it. If I was your W that would be music to my ears. I also agree that you need a new MC that can help your W understand why it is important to work on the marriage with you. She may feel intimidated by the suggestion that she has to change in some way and may feel that she isn't up to that challenge. There may be an element of "I didn't cheat so why do I have to change" but I really believe that buried beneath that is a fear that she might try, fail and then you would be so disappointed things would be even worse. Have you asked her why she isn't interested in trying to improve the way the two of you relate?
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