Triarge Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) So the OW sends me an email yesterday out of the blue asking me that if she were 'hypothetically' dating someone now, would I sooner hear it from her or on the grapevine? And it turns out (after a couple of mails) that she is. My reaction was 'odd'. Not how I thought I would have reacted. It was a minor shock for sure. Kinda like when someone tells you someones had a baby or quit their job. But it didnt stir a painfull reaction. In fact I was quite indifferent at first, then relieved, now I feel happier somehow. To be honest, for quite a while, I've not really thought about the OW. I dont sit driving to work agonising over whether or not I made the right choice anymore. When I see her around the building I sometimes dont even realise shes there and if I do I just look up and return to my work and its forgotten. So is this a sign of some sort of closure on my behalf? The other question is should I tell my W? Edited January 4, 2008 by Triarge
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 So the OW sends me an email yesterday out of the blue asking me that if she were 'hypothetically' dating someone now, would I sooner hear it from her or on the grapevine? My reaction was 'odd'. Not how I thought I would have reacted. It was a minor shock for sure. Kinda like when someone tells you someones had a baby or quit their job. But it didnt stir a painfull reaction. In fact I was quite indifferent at first, then relieved, now I feel happier somehow. To be honest, for quite a while, I've not really thought about the OW. I dont sit driving to work agonising over whether or not I made the right choice anymore. When I see her around the building I sometimes dont even realise shes there and if I do I just look up and return to my work and its forgotten. So is this a sign of some sort of closure on my behalf? The other question is should I tell my W? If your wife is well into recovery, show your wife and then erase it together. NC remember?
OpenBook Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I'm not sure why she emailed you in the first place. Do you find it strange that she did? Why does she assume that you still care? And why is she breaking NC if that is what you both agreed to? Maybe she is just being careful about her standing at work. Who knows? Who cares? I just hope your responses to her were neutral, vague and extremely brief. And I would definitely tell your W about it. Without delay. I think she will appreciate you coming clean, as she is no doubt still wrestling with whether to trust you or not. She will probably want to see the email along with your responses though. Are you prepared for her to read the whole thing? I think the fact that you didn't have any kind of initial gut reaction to it, is a significant indicator that you've finally moved on. The question is, are you happy that you're moving on? Do you appreciate (and are you content with) what you DO have?
Author Triarge Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Its not at all unusual. I get the odd one every now and again from her. I think its her way of trying to let me know shes still around. I normally shut them down with a very brief and closed response. I havnt told my W about these mails in the past because to be frank, they were inconsequential to me and I didnt want to needlessly upset my wife. There are other reasons but I dont want to go into those right now. (You need to read my entire history for it to make sense) Maybe the OW is still playing games and trying to provoke a reaction. To be honest I dont care. It another brick in the wall for me. Not because what she does with anyone else matters but because it doesnt. The news only made me realise this even more.
confused39 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I havnt told my W about these mails in the past because to be frank, they were inconsequential to me and I didnt want to needlessly upset my wife. Let me tell you from personal experience - NOTHING to do with the OW is inconsequential to your wife. NOTHING. Not one e-mail, not one text, not one word of communication is inconsequential. And, how do you think your wife would react to you NOT having told her about the contact that you labeled inconsequential? My bet is that it would appear as though you were still hiding something.
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Here's the thing... A HUGE part of the pain that a BS feels from the affair is the lying, deceit, and hiding of information. You carried on an entire seperate life (in effect) behind her back. What she needs to know is that she can trust you. How does hiding these emails and contacts from OW help rebuild that trust?!?!?! Do you want to recover, or do you want to sit there and keep these things hidden from her? Do you want to rebuild your marriage on trust...or do you want to rebuild it based off of what you want to let your wife know? Tell your wife about the repeated contact, and how you've handled it. Come up with a plan for the BOTH of you to work together to deal with this in the future.
Author Triarge Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 So you think that now when things are dead and buried and my wife is far, far into the road of recovery (as am I) I should go and dig all this up again on the basis of what amounts to nothing? What happens when I tell my wife and she contacts the OW and tells her to F&*k off? What happens when the OW gets annoyed at this and starts spilling whatever she can and stirs everything up again? I'm sorry but I cant see what good any of that will bring to the situation.
CraigAllen Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I say don't tell her as long as your responses to your former OW were appropriate. If you're comfortable with not telling her for the right reasons, I don't see the point. I mean why dredge up old wounds unecessarily.
confused39 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I see your point...but I agree with Owl. Do you think your W would think of it as inconsequential? If W saw the communication, saw where you'd shut it down, that should be yet another mile down the road to recovery, don't you think? It would be for me, anyway.
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 You're NOT helping your wife's recovery by continuing to lie to her by omission. What you ARE doing is covering your own tracks. You're avoiding the conflict...at the expense of the truth to your wife. What agreemant did you have with your wife about further contact with OW??? Yes, this resets her trust in you back to ZERO. IT SHOULD. You haven't been honest with her. Yes, this resets her recovery...but it builds a MUCH more solid base for that recovery if you become honest now and remain tha way going forward. Put yourself in her shoes...would you rather be hurt by the truth but glad that she was honest with you, or would you rather to continued to be lied to?
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 What else could the OW "spill" that you HAVEN'T told your wife already?????? After re-reading, you seem more concerned with what else might come out than you are with how to FIX the situation. Is there more to the story than you've admitted to your wife?
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Yes tell your wife. Also, I find it very odd that the OW wanted to let you know that she's met someone else and moved on. To me, that's just her way of manipulating a reaction out of you. You two are NOT in eachothers lives anymore, so who the F cares what she does or who she dates?
JustBreathe Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 If my H received such an email from the OW, I would not want to know about it so long as he either never responded at all (preferred); or responded to the effect that he wanted no further contact with her and who she dates is her own business. It would cause me a great deal of distress and dig into the wounds I have which have never healed completely.
CraigAllen Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 If my H received such an email from the OW, I would not want to know about it so long as he either never responded at all (preferred); or responded to the effect that he wanted no further contact with her and who she dates is her own business. It would cause me a great deal of distress and dig into the wounds I have which have never healed completely. See... this is exactly what I mean. It seems as though the common wisdom on LS is to always tell EVERYTHING. I just don't see the point of adding fuel to a tenuous situation when it is totally unecessary, especially if you have done absolutely nothing wrong and responded appropriately. So what if she finds out later. You did nothing wrong.
jj2007 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Here's the thing... A HUGE part of the pain that a BS feels from the affair is the lying, deceit, and hiding of information. You carried on an entire seperate life (in effect) behind her back. What she needs to know is that she can trust you. How does hiding these emails and contacts from OW help rebuild that trust?!?!?! Do you want to recover, or do you want to sit there and keep these things hidden from her? Do you want to rebuild your marriage on trust...or do you want to rebuild it based off of what you want to let your wife know? Tell your wife about the repeated contact, and how you've handled it. Come up with a plan for the BOTH of you to work together to deal with this in the future. I agree 100%
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 So you'd rather have your spouse lie by omission to you than to know that the OP is still contacting him/her for any reason? We're on opposite sides of the coin. I couldn't live like that.
JustBreathe Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Good point, WWIU. It does make a difference. So Triarge: Did you ignore her email or did you respond?
Author Triarge Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Hi all.. Well, despite what I said, I told my W over the weekend about the email that the OW sent on Thursday. She wasnt surprised that there had been some sort of contact and she had pretty much expected so. You see, it was a year since D-day on the 1st Jan 08. I'm glad I told my W in the end. I guess I didnt do anything wrong and didnt have anything to hide. Yes I did reply to the OW but I said nothing that I felt I needed to or should hide. In the end I guess in this case it was the right thing to do. However, I agree with CraigAllen that its not always the case that 100% of information should be shared and its not always appropriate or advisable to do so.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Did you show your wife the email and your reply? Just wondering if she asked to see it.. You did the right thing by telling your wife. I just hope in your reply to the OW you asked her to not email you anymore and not to call you, or try to see you/talk to you.
Owl Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 However, I agree with CraigAllen that its not always the case that 100% of information should be shared and its not always appropriate or advisable to do so. But you gave up the right to make that decision FOR YOUR WIFE by making the choice to reconcile your marriage after your affair. If you want her to heal...you need to let HER decide how much information is 'appropriate'. Like I said...that 'holding information back' is one of the biggest parts of the hurt and pain in a betrayed spouse. If you want to reconcile, you have to PROVE that you're now trustworthy. You have to rebuild her trust in you. And it will take TIME. Bluntly...YOU shouldn't be the person calling the shots in what its going to take for your wife to recover...and for her to recover her trust in you. SHE should be. Have you discussed with her exactly how to do that? What it will take, what her expectations are? Have the two of you seen a counselor or done some research and worked out everything you need to in order to REALLY recover your marriage? You might pick up "Surviving an Affair"...and read it to get a better understanding of what she's going through. It might help you see where I'm coming from with all my questions and advice.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 What you could do is, ask your wife, "Do you still want me to tell you if the OW emails or calls me?" And let her decide. Again, I DO hope you told the OW not to contact you anymore. IF she does email you again, ignore it. Put her on block..
Author Triarge Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 WWIU.. No, I didnt tell her to not contact me again. I have to see and talk to her around the building as part of my work anyway so I cant avoid all communication. I admit that these (very occasional) emails from her are inappropriate, but I have found my own way of shutting them down and dealing with them. I know this isnt the cookie-cutter way of dealing with these situations but it is working for me. Yes my wife would want me to tell her to get lost but my wife doesnt have to deal with her everyday. She's my superior. She could make things difficult if she really found a motivation for it. So I'll continue to give her no signs of hope. No indication I might want her back, completly devoid of emotion replies, and hope eventually things will follow their natural course. I know the OW is still fishing. I got another mail yesterday asking if I was 'ok?'. She said I looked troubled or tired like I hadnt had any sleep. I found this amusing because I feel great. She obviously is looking for a reaction to her 'news of a new fella'. The fact is that I really dont care one bit. Not even slightly. OWL.. Have you discussed with her exactly how to do that? What it will take, what her expectations are? Have the two of you seen a counselor or done some research and worked out everything you need to in order to REALLY recover your marriage? I doubt you would believe me if I told you that since the A its been me thats tried to drive this. The councelling was a waste of time. The guy started delving into our past and looked for the underlying issues. He really was going in the right direction as far as I was concerned. Unfortunately my W wanted it to be a punishment session for me and the OW. I dont think that she wanted to accept that we may have not been in an ideal place 'before' the A. Then the books I have read that 'Men from Mars..', 'His needs her needs'. I read them but she doesnt seem to want to. She doesnt refuse, she just doesnt pick them up. This did cause some conflict and resentment from me. I got all righteous that I was the one who wanted to repair our M to 'better' than what it was before the A. I think my W is just happy knowing the OW is gone (or out of my head) Anyway, I've come down from my high horse now. LadyJane once said these things are about expectations. I've lowered mine somewhat and I'm accepting my W for who she is. Yes a life where she meets my needs and vice versa might be a lovely ideal. it might be acheivable even. All I'm going to do now is try and fulfill my side and not 'expect' anything in return. I have alot to do myself in holding up my side of things so I can hardly complain at her. Anyway, I'm still classing this time as recovery. When thats done we can work on the spit and polish.
OpenBook Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I know this isnt the cookie-cutter way of dealing with these situations but it is working for me. Yes my wife would want me to tell her to get lost but my wife doesnt have to deal with her everyday. She's my superior. She could make things difficult if she really found a motivation for it. Whoa, that DOES complicate things for you! It's been my experience that if you've slept with the MP and they're your superior, they tend to be a lot more sympathetic to your professional situation and less likely to retaliate after the A ends. (If you HAVEN'T slept with them, though, that's a whole 'nother story!) But I'm a woman who had an A with a superior who was a MM. I have no idea what would happen if the genders were reversed. This is unfamiliar territory for everyone. I can only hope she'll have the same decency in the professional arena as a man would. I know the OW is still fishing. I got another mail yesterday asking if I was 'ok?'. She said I looked troubled or tired like I hadnt had any sleep. I found this amusing because I feel great. She obviously is looking for a reaction to her 'news of a new fella'. Oh, whatever!! I share your "take" on this, it's pure ego on her part. But again, because she is your superior at work, I wouldn't share with her - EVER - that you see clearly where this is coming from. Polite, vague, and brief is the ticket, IMO. I doubt you would believe me if I told you that since the A its been me thats tried to drive this. The councelling was a waste of time. The guy started delving into our past and looked for the underlying issues. He really was going in the right direction as far as I was concerned. Unfortunately my W wanted it to be a punishment session for me and the OW. I dont think that she wanted to accept that we may have not been in an ideal place 'before' the A. Then the books I have read that 'Men from Mars..', 'His needs her needs'. I read them but she doesnt seem to want to. She doesnt refuse, she just doesnt pick them up. This did cause some conflict and resentment from me. I got all righteous that I was the one who wanted to repair our M to 'better' than what it was before the A. I think my W is just happy knowing the OW is gone (or out of my head) Anyway, I've come down from my high horse now. LadyJane once said these things are about expectations. I've lowered mine somewhat and I'm accepting my W for who she is. Yes a life where she meets my needs and vice versa might be a lovely ideal. it might be acheivable even. All I'm going to do now is try and fulfill my side and not 'expect' anything in return. I have alot to do myself in holding up my side of things so I can hardly complain at her. These words are chilling. You sound like a Dead Man Walking. Your W sounds a lot like many BS's on this forum who maintain that they had nothing to do with their spouse cheating... that they were the perfect spouse in every way and contributed NOTHING to the CS's motivation to cheat... and that it's totally up to the CS to do all the work to make things right in the M. Completely unrealistic, in my book, and I do not have high hopes for a happy M for them.
Owl Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I don't think your wife has any idea about how to deal with marital recovery after your affair. I think she's hoping it will all go away, and that you'll just "get over it". Unfortunately, that's going to set the stage for some long term resentment and anger on her part towards you. Add in that you're still working with OW...which sets the stage for the affair to continue, or at least for your wife to keep resenting the both of you...you've got a REAL bad mix here. Personally...I'd suggest that you look for another marriage counselor. Just because one was lousy doesn't mean they all are. We had to do that in my case too...our first MC was all on "my side"...while gratifying for me, it didn't do a lot to help our recovery. We ended up going to my IC for MC instead...and that was a HUGE HUGE HUGE help for our recovery. Hope that gives you some ideas on how to deal with things, friend.
Recommended Posts