SeraBella Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 About 6 months ago I fooled around with an ex boyfriend of mine who is now married. They were married for around 9 months at the time this happened. He doesn't know I know he's married, and he didn't wear a ring. There's clearly a long story to go along with it, but I don't think it's necessary to post (unless for some reason you really want to read it) to get an answer to my question. I know that the "fooling around" should not have happened. I'm not stupid enough to think that he'd leave his wife to be with me, and I'm not looking to be a mistress, so I haven't seen him since then. But he texts and calls often - telling me how much he misses me, telling things he wants to do with me, wants to hang out, flirting etc. I generally don't respond with flirtatious messages back, but I usually do respond with friendly messages. I know I should be firm and just tell him to leave me alone, and I don't, so I'm not claiming to be innocent, but I don't ever actually see him at all. But, clearly he's not a faithful man. If he's this way with me, I assume he's probably this way with other women as well. And to do this all so soon after his wedding...well, that just shows it to me more. I do not know his wife. I know her name, I've seen pictures of her, I know where they live and I know her myspace URL. I feel like I would want to know if my husband was cheating on me, especially so early in a relationship (they were engaged after 3 dates, married in less than a year, so the cheating with me was after less than 2 years of being together). The easiest way to contact her would be through myspace, and the only other way would be to send something to their home. I have decided, as a New Year's Resolution, to stop talking to him. Should I just let it drop and let her continue to think she is "still living the dream with <her husband>" (that's her myspace headline), or try to inform her of his cheating ways? As I said, I feel like if I were married I'd want to know, but at the same time, I don't think I'd believe someone I never met if they told me that, either. But it would probably plant suspicions in my mind, at least. Overall, is there a general consensus? Would women prefer to know? Or rather stay in the dark? Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for your opinions/advice.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Your just as guilty as he is. IF you tell her, dont be bitter about it. Just tell the truth. I see alot of resentment in your post. What are you mad about? You knew what you were getting into whe you was messing with him. WTF????
Green Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Your just as guilty as he is. IF you tell her, dont be bitter about it. Just tell the truth. I see alot of resentment in your post. What are you mad about? You knew what you were getting into whe you was messing with him. WTF???? I felt it to... Its not your place to tell her
OWoman Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Overall, is there a general consensus? Would women prefer to know? Or rather stay in the dark? I think you'll find there's no consensus on this! There have been similar threads "should I tell BS?" and some posters argue vehemently yes! others vehemently no! Personally, I think you need to go with what you can live with. You have no control over how the news will be taken, or what the fallout will be, and things could happen very differently to how you imagine. You need to examin your motives for telling or not telling, and then act with the best intentions. If the guilt and remorse is consuming you and you feel a need to apologise to her and to come clean, so to speak, for your own conscience, that's a different thing to making assumptions about whether she'd want to know or not - each woman is different and assumptions are just that, assumptions. She's almost certainly not going to welcome the news if she thinks things are A-OK between them, whether or not she "would want to know" in general, and if you do tell her you'd need to do so sensitively and carefully if it's not just going to generate pain and misery all round. Or, you could put the ball in his court, and tell him you're struggling with what happened between you, and if he's not going to tell his W about it, it'll be down to you to tell her - which will be out of his control. While he may or may not actually tell her then, it might focus his attention sharply on the appropriateness of his behaviour with you and possibly with others, and cause him to change that.
Author SeraBella Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I definitely know I am guilty. I struggled with it/hating myself for a few months, but over time some of it dissolved. It's still an issue I don't pride myself in, though. I have told very few friends, no family...I am embarrassed with my actions. Perhaps I just resent myself. I never thought I'd be "the other woman" I didn't realize I seemed resentful, but I am open to hearing that opinion. Thank you. As for being bitter, I really wasn't planning on being bitter, but perhaps it would come out that way without even realizing it? Perhaps some of the resentment comes from the "long story" I didn't tell. We were dating throughout their engagement, but I had no idea he had a girlfriend/fiance. I found out, was extremely pissed off, but never confronted him about it. I am a very passive person. I stopped talking to him for a while and hated him. Then one night he showed up at my door, and I refused to let him in, but agreed to talk. We sat outside, talked for 4 hours, and the hate disappeared, and led to what happened.
Green Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 she just needs to move on. Do you realy think your going to get a thank you from the wife if you send her some myspace message about how u slept with her H. Its just going to be more drama. He'll deny it, then what do you waste time getting involved and trying to convince her. The best thing for you to do is to forgive and forget and just stay out of all of this. I wouldnt want to be in some situation where im informing some guys wife I slept with he because she tricked me...
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Yeah I would just leave it alone. If it makes you feel better you can write her a letter. I bet you he paint you as a crazy ex. lol. Overall, it's up to you.
Author SeraBella Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I wasn't expecting or looking for a thank you. I wasn't expecting to seem like a saviour. I really was just trying to figure out what was best to do. I tried putting myself in the situation to see what I would want, and I feel like both options are horrible. I'd hate to know, but I'd hate to realize years later that I was a fool. I'd rather NOT tell. I definitely agree it would create drama, and I agree he would deny it, and I agree I'd be painted as a crazy ex. And I don't think it would make me feel better to get it out. I guess my post was just sort of "I know I did a bad thing. I know I can't make it right. What now?" Thank you
Trimmer Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) I see alot of resentment in your post. What are you mad about? I felt it to... Its not your place to tell her I don't read this "resentment" into the OP. It sounds like she is struggling with the very typical sides of the argument that is played out on here all the time (would you want to know if you were her? , but is it the OW's place to tell; should I just leave them alone, etc...) but she's not taking swings at the wife or anything like that. Her comments about him likely behaving this way with other women don't really read as resentful, either; they are pretty much right on the money, and if she hadn't noted that herself, I'm sure someone here would have brought it up... Or, you could put the ball in his court, and tell him you're struggling with what happened between you, and if he's not going to tell his W about it, it'll be down to you to tell her - which will be out of his control. While he may or may not actually tell her then, it might focus his attention sharply on the appropriateness of his behaviour with you and possibly with others, and cause him to change that. Or, at a minimum, it would likely get him to stop contacting you, so if that is truly, honestly, your goal, this would be one way to accomplish it. Put him on notice that you are not a participant any more, and leave his future behavior and decisions up to him, without you involved. Edited January 4, 2008 by Trimmer
frannie Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 SeraBella, I think that you need to look at your motivations and expectations here, to know what to do. I didn't initially read any bitterness or whatever in your OP, but I did read it quickly. However, your second post, and going over your first one again made me think, hmm... you're not wondering what to do for her for the best, but there's too much here about HIM and what he did to you, and how he still (thinks) he's misleading you. This man needs a slap in the face (my opinion) for having cheated you once, and now thinking he's doing it again. You know, how would it be if you didn't know he was married? GRRRRR. So... I think probably this is affecting you more than you know or are prepared to admit, on some level, do you think? So I'd beware of that, because if you do tell her and it goes 'wrong' in some way, then your reactions won't be of 'well I did this in her best interests' but something along the lines of being done over for a third time by this man. What do you want? What are your real needs here, and motivations, and how would you really feel as a result of tellling her? Do you think he will continue to do this over and over to her? Is there another way of waking him up and getting him to see what he's doing without the need to tell her? For example, could you steel yourself and tell him look, you know he's married, and you think he's disgusting. And that if he contacts you again you WILL tell her. And leave it at that? That's just one option I can think of.
kchiapet95 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It's not a one size fits all. My advice is, if it will help you feel peace, do it. Do it for yourself, don't think about what you would want if you were the W, because you aren't her. Some people would rather not know, some people would. In my case, I did tell her. She suspected, and I just confirmed. I felt a lot of relief getting it off my chest, I had wanted to tell her for pretty much the length of the relationship. I identified myself, I owned up to it, and I told the truth. It worked for me.
jj2007 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 it is up to you. I will tell you from my personal experience that I was the last to know about my H's A and it really sucks being left in the dark. I felt like such an idiot. Good luck.
imstunned Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I cant say if you should tell her or not - only you can decide what is right for you to do - but I agree with Frannie and would say to have a real hard look at your motivations to look at WHY you want to tell her. What do you want to come of it? For her to leave him? Him to leave her? Help them be happy? What? I STILL want to tell the wife of my exmm. I do happen to think she deserves to know the truth about her husband who lied to and decieved us both. But I am under no illusion that its in order to try and wreak as much havoc on my ex as possible. Which is why I havent told her. It wont do ME any good, the motivation is not necessarily wrong (in my opinion) but it could backfire and not help me heal from the jerk I was with. I have always said that if I still feel she needs to know once I am no longer emotionally involved with my ex then I may well tell. No matter when that is. Oh - i had the oppotunity to tell the wife - she called me - but I lied. However it was only when she called me that I relaised the extent of his lies. She did me a favour. I didnt do the same for her.
marlena Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 No, you shouldn't. Do yourself a huge favour and get this man out of your life! Marlena
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Question...do you have any kind of relationship with HER? I mean friends...LOL...NOT anything else! If you're her friend, or if you have any kind of regular contact with her, then I'd say yes, tell her. If not, then I'd say that its up to what your conscience can bear. I'll also throw in what you already know. Break off any contact with this guy, regardless. But you already knew that.
serial muse Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It's true that this is a question that everyone has a different answer to. Ultimately, I do think you have to go with what you think you can live with. I understand when people say you should examine your motives, but I'd say that's less because you're likely to cause turmoil in her life by telling than because you're likely to cause turmoil in your own. I know not everyone will agree with me, but my personal stance is that not telling is like locking the barn doors after the horses have escaped. The worst part - which to me, is the betrayal, not the knowing of it - has already happened, IMO. But not everyone sees it that way. Just to add to the informal "poll" of does a BS want to know, in general - well of course, everyone's different, but I think you'll find few BS saying they wouldn't want to know. Some have, but it tends to be the minority opinion among the BS on here - which, you'll note, is not necessarily the minority opinion of all of LS. But if you're looking for the BS view, take that for what it's worth. As for me, as a former BS, I would have liked to know, regardless of the source. JMO.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 If you absolutely must tell, at least do it anonymously. Anything that comes from the OW is just going to look suspicious in terms of motivation.
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I'd agree that they'd be suspicious of her motives for telling, LB, but I think that telling 'anonymously' is the wrong answer too. It makes the motives EVEN MORE questionable. Why would I take it from a complete stranger...who wouldn't even identify themselves or the source of the information? Why would I believe them? It would make it MUCH MUCH more likely that the WS would put a spin on it..."throw them under the bus"...to do damage control. Tell them honestly who you are, what role you played, and why you're telling them the truth now. They may hate your guts, but they're more likely to believe that you're telling the truth.
kchiapet95 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I don't think it should be anonymous. I wanted to let her know who I was...she didn't know me personally, but if she wanted details, whatever, I was going to tell her the truth. I mean, I slept with her husband, right? She's going to have an opinion of me and it will be unflattering. I have to accept that as part of the consequences for what I did. I told her things that I would only know if I was intimate with her husband, so she knew I was telling the truth. The news will devastate whether you tell her anonymously or whether you say who you are. But only you can decide what will help you sleep at night. Some of these choices, we can advise you, but ultimately, you have to make the final decision as to the best course of action.
kchiapet95 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Owl, you said exactly what I was trying to say, but you said it better.
Green Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I'd stay out of it... its a messed up springer situation... think about yourself move on
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It isn't up to you to tell her. You knew he was married. I don't believe that you are doing this for her benefit, because if you cared about her at all, you wouldn't have fooled around with her husband in the first place. You just want him to suffer and pay the consquences. Revenge. Your best revenge is to move on, forget him completely and live your life. Telling will only create TONS of drama in your life for a long long time.
PoshPrincess Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 It's not a one size fits all. My advice is, if it will help you feel peace, do it. Do it for yourself, don't think about what you would want if you were the W, because you aren't her. Some people would rather not know, some people would. My initial response, as always, was 'no', but after reading KC's above comment I thought differently. From the W's perspective - yes, maybe she does deserve to know, but not from you. And like someone else said, he will probably just paint you as a bitter ex-girlfriend so she won't believe him anyway. Let's face it, who would want to believe that their H could possibly be cheating on them after 9 months of marriage. What a dog! SB, think carefully before you decide. If you really feel it will help YOU, then do it, but don't do it if it's out of revenge for what he did to you (be honest with yourself here!) Be prepared for her not to believe a word of it. Oh, and just thank God it was her he married and not you!
HenryII Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I thought about this awhile. Would I want to know? "TRUST" That's what it is all about. His W can't trust him but does'nt know it yet. If he continues to have someone on the side she will eventually find out , don't u think. On the one hand I would want to know, on the other ,what I don't know can't hurt me. Tuff call. If u tell the W and theyt break up will u think u r the cause, and be regretful. Or think u have saved her from a life of marriage to someone she does't really know. If I were u I would do as Trimmer said . Tell him we are thru and stay out of there lives. Decades from now when u r in the rocker in the nursing home you'll be glad u did.
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