Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I am involved in a little situation that has recently taken on a new twist. And I am not sure how I should handle it. I have been seeing someone for a few weeks (sexy time guy, not dragon breath guy and not baller guy). He is NOT someone I would ever have a serious relationship with, but he is good company, and we have fun together. Problem is this. Four months ago, his live-in was killed in car crash. Left him with a 15 month old to raise alone. TOUGH STUFF. He is a great Dad, and is very devoted to his child, and has seriously stepped up to raise her. Clearly though, he is still in a LOT of pain. When we met, I was very clear that I was not looking for a relationship (see Legend? you are right - lol. I meant I was not looking for one with HIM). He agreed to very casual dating, and that was that. Well, last weekend, he had a meltdown on me. Told me that he was getting very attached. I immediately pulled back when I heard this, as this is what I feared would happen. Now, I GET how vulnerable and wounded he is. I know his feelings towards me are LESS about me, and more about his own needs right now. That he is so out of it, that he is looking for a warm port in the storm. A few days went by, and we regrouped. He said he could handle his feelings and keep them in check, and that he knew from the get-go what he was getting into, though it is hard since he knows I don't return the feelings. I said we have to cease and desist immediately, as even if he wanted to forge ahead, I felt that me, being the one with the clear(er) head, needed to not be careless with his feelings. I certainly do care for him, and loathe the idea of being someone who heaps more pain on him at this point in his life. I know some friends have said, hey, he's a big boy, he can handle it. But I guess I feel that he is too vulnerable to make a good decision about his emotional safety. I think I should stop all contact to spare him from the eventual heartbreak. Thoughts?
oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I think you are doing the right thing. Wouldn't you want to be treated that way in a similar situation? Sometimes you do need to make decisions for other people, especially if you know you can't give them, or won't give them, what they want. He does want more. You know that. Tell him you care about him too much to take advantage of him and go LOW contact. Meaning, if he wants to send a few email links via youtube and stuff like that, reciprocate if you desire.
Citizen Erased Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 You are doing the right thing hon! He will not be able to control his feelings. He may not know it, but inevitably he will realise it is so and then it will be really awkward, even if it is to help him cope with the loss of his partner. The last thing he needs is more heartbreak, and in the end he probably needs a friend more then a girlfriend.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 AT this point he probably doesn't realize what's best for himself. He may THINK he can handle being around you, but it will hurt and it will be hard. Even if he keeps it in check on the outside, the inside is a different matter. I'd say cutting most if not all contact is best, and you have the right idea. Just be sure and put it to him in terms that he won't take the wrong way, and help him to understand the wisdom of your decision.
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Thanks, O. That was my initial gut reaction, until some other people felt I had no business making decisons for him. I guess I felt since he is not really in a healthy place to ascertain things properly, I thought it would be easier to rip off the band-aid now, rather than have him develop more feelings needlessly. Thanks...
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Coco - Elven - thank you also for your replies. I did tell him that I was not going to be careless with his feelings, even if he foolishly thought it was a good idea to continue seeing each other. I have to agree - he's just not in a place to know how this will play out. I think relegating him to IM and text buddy is the best thing. He is starting a new job tomorrow (yeah for him!), so hopefully that will give him a new distraction. Thanks, guys.
oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Thanks, O. That was my initial gut reaction, until some other people felt I had no business making decisons for him. But you are making it for you, too. You care for and respect the guy. Part of caring for someone is treating them in a way that you feel will maximize their happiness, because in turn, it will make you happy. I know you don't necessarily intend on maintaining a close friendship with him, but rational selfishness involves doing not only what makes you happy, but doing what you feel will make someone else the most happy in their life. In that regard, yes, you do have business making decisions for him, because really, you are making decisions for you.
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 But you are making it for you, too. You care for and respect the guy. Part of caring for someone is treating them in a way that you feel will maximize their happiness, because in turn, it will make you happy. I know you don't necessarily intend on maintaining a close friendship with him, but rational selfishness involves doing not only what makes you happy, but doing what you feel will make someone else the most happy in their life. In that regard, yes, you do have business making decisions for him, because really, you are making decisions for you. Yes, you're right. If I was selfish and didn't care about him, I would continue on recklessly sucking my own enjoyment and pleasure from his company. NOT. He is such a sweet man and so wrecked right now. I truly would hate myself for adding to his pain in ANY way. Part of me feels so maternal towards him (I think a lot of women would in the situation), and I just want to hold him and make it all go away. Ugh. My heart truly breaks imagining what he must be feeling. But like Coco said, he really needs a friend now more than a gf or any variation thereof... KMT - it happens on occasion. Don't get used to it, though...
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