PLAYBRAT Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I am posting this in reference to another poster who asked how a MM feels after requesting NC... Several replies indicated that the MM who had ended the A now really dislikes or hates the OW. Just wondering why this may happen? Could the MM actually feel contempt for the OW for being with him? Or does he really feel contempt for HIMSELF? My MM and I ended on good terms..because I never wanted to go through this... Thoughts?
bentnotbroken Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I think Mr. Messy hates himself for falling for her, because she didn't turn out to be who he thought she was. She actually hates him though.
PoshPrincess Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I agree that he probably hates himself. The OW is just a reminder of his betrayal and he can't handle the guilt. I know, I've cheated, and I didn't want to see the OP again. The thought of it made me feel physically sick. Luckily the feeling was pretty mutual!
lovernotafighter Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 if she outted him he hates her. if she didn't and he still hates it's probably because both the wife and himself need to focus that anger somewhere so it's not aimed at each other. either way hate is a waste of time and energy.
frannie Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Some people can't take responsibility for their own actions, so it's a lot easier to put it all on someone else. What better convenient hate figure than the person you were only too happy to spend time with when it suited you? What about your part in all this? Look did an OW ever 'trick' a MM into an affair? No, the shoe is usually on the other foot, but when the dust has settled who gets the blame Either the MM who now 'hates' his exOW has issues with himself and responsibility, or he's lying to whoever he's telling (the BS) about the way he feels. That's not to say he can't feel angry with an OW who has shopped him or otherwise not lived up to his 'expectations'
Owl Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I think that a lot of the responses here are likely on the money. The reason that the MP often "turns" on the OP after the affair and when they start to reconcile is because they have more guilt and anger for THEMSELVES than they do for the OP...but they can't really sit there and be mad at themselves. They rationalize, and justify their actions by blaming the OP in some fashion or another. Most of the time, they're just passing the blame that should be laid at their own feet on to the other person. Now...that person is not totally "blameless". BUT...I don't see how the MP who was involved with the OP can lay blame without accepting the same measure of it right back. I blame the OM in my case for the betrayal of our friendship. He knew she was married, he knew ME...but her pursued and continued the affair regardless. My wife on the other hand, doesn't really lay any blame at his feet. It was her choice to do what she did...blaming him is just blaming herself as well.
Lizzie60 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Never had this experience... I'm still in good terms with all my 'exes' and my past MMs... most of them are still in contact either by emails (jokes) or phone calls, once in a blue moon... It's not in my nature to be 'nasty' or bitter..but then maybe it's due to the fact that I've never been dumped (except one time, when I got pregnant with my daughter), I am the one who get tired of them... and ended the A. Some are still asking from time to time to see them again... but once it's over (with most anyway) it's over. Life is too short to be in bad terms with people...
marlena Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Life is too short to be in bad terms with people... Exactly my sentiment. Lizzie!
imstunned Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I was thinking about this when i was walking down the street earlier today. One of possibly THE most upsetting thoughts for me at the moment is that my ex mm hates me or is resentful towards me in any way. I didnt do a thing wrong. But then I realised that if he does hate me then he can go ahead, all he is doing is more damage to himself and possibly his M becasue he cannot be true to himself. He dosent have a reason on this earth to hate or resent me, such strong misplaced emotions are dangerous, and will keep biting him on the ass. Resentment and hatred towards the OW/OM just shows that the WS are continuing to avoid their problems just the same way they did by having the affair in the first place. Just my opinion.
child_of_isis Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Sometimes, if OW gives up info to the W, MM will feel betrayed. I actually saw this mentality on another forum once. It was freaky. MM all of a sudden felt that OW had been lying about caring for him. Righteous indignation at it's finest.."How could she doooo this to me, I TRUSTED her"... I remember Matty, he freaked because his OW started seeing someone after D-day....while he stayed with his W. He was pissed! There is little doubt that A's fry the brain.
child_of_isis Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Very good observation, Little One. Resentment and hatred towards the OW/OM just shows that the WS are continuing to avoid their problems just the same way they did by having the affair in the first place. Just my opinion.
marlena Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Ignore the link! Haven't got a clue where it came from. Sometimes it feels like LS has a will of its own!
marlena Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Stun, He doesn't hate you, of that I can assure you. He is just afraid that you might complicate his life.
kchiapet95 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Sometimes, if OW gives up info to the W, MM will feel betrayed. This is what happened in my case. It was as if all of a sudden, I had the affair by myself, you know? What I really think it was, is that MM had to face up to himself after I told his W about the affair. He had been running from himself for a long time. And I'm not just talking about the A. He would just bury himself in work to avoid his problems. Reluctantly, he had to confront himself and his issues. I think that's why he hates me, because I brought it to a head.
LadyDi Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Past MM do not hate me, nor do past lovers of any status. Hate and all that negative energy eats away at a person. I can truely say I am friends with them and would gladly help them out if they needed someone. They know they could call me. This current situation I am in, well, the jury is still out. I am in NC and when I do see him again at work, I'll gauge it by how he acts. I really hope he doesn't hate me, goodness, he left me.....I have followed all his stipulations to the letter. Why would he hate me!
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I would say in some cases its simple blame shifting. MM reaches a point where he realizes that he could lose his family/status quo/etc. and instead of saying "I nearly cost myself this" he says "OW nearly cost me everything" and he will make her a common enemy in order to take some of the heat off of himself. I guess in some cases also it would be like the addict hating the substance instead of facing the addictive nature of himself that got him addicted in the first place.
TogetherForever Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Why does the mm turn on the ow after the affair? Because that's all it was. An affair.
imstunned Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Why does the mm turn on the ow after the affair? Because that's all it was. An affair. Cant say I understand your reasoning.
TogetherForever Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Cant say I understand your reasoning. :oI read the title wrong. I read "Why does the mm turn on the ow after an affair... To which I feel it's just an affair (a fling so to speak) & the ow might have taken it as much more. Sorry
imstunned Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 oh - Ok. I still dont understand why a MM would feel justified on turning on the OW even where it was just a "fling". Never mind. Some MM just seem to do what they like, when they like, not caring a damn for who they hurt in the process.
TogetherForever Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 oh - Ok. I still dont understand why a MM would feel justified on turning on the OW even where it was just a "fling". Never mind. Some MM just seem to do what they like, when they like, not caring a damn for who they hurt in the process. Right, I agree. MM who have "affairs" only think of themselves. They turn on the OW for outting them/the affair.
OWoman Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Why does the mm turn on the ow after the affair? Because that's all it was. An affair. Or, conversely, because it was so much more than that - all that heightened intensity, and nowhere to go with it. Like a crowd going on a rampage after their football team loses.
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