Nilbud Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 My wife and I have been married for 9 years. We have four kids and I love her deeply. I also find her very attractive and compliment her regularly. Since she got pregnant with our first child 8 years ago, she's had almost no interest in sex. I've accepted that it was because she was tired or she felt unattractive. But since the last child was born two years ago, she's gone to the gym regularly and looks amazing - and feels good. Then she was worried about getting pregnant again so I had a vasectomy. I started working out to improve my appearance - although I wasn't in bad shape to start with. Still no interest. She's not very affectionate with me and doesn't like kissing. Anytime we have sex, it's like she caves in to my requests to keep me quiet. She is not remotely adventurous in bed and seems to be worried about me seeing any part of her body. Yet, she seems to enjoy sex and sometimes has orgasms. I don't get it. I could probably accept the conservatism too, but she wasn't this way before the first pregnancy. We had a great exciting sex life. What infuriates me is that I've tried talking to her and she will not give me any feedback except that I'm being ridiculous. I frequently lie awake at night in a rage about this. What is the problem here? I've considered suggesting a marriage counselor but if she can't even say a word to me, what good would this do. She once suggested I get a hooker to satisfy my needs. All I want is to be intimate with her. I love the intimacy that comes with years of being married, but now I'm afraid she'd rather we split up than she dicusses anything about our sex life. Help Me!
kkthxbye Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Wow I'm so sorry! This must really be frustrating. I agree that counseling is a great start. Her comment about the hooker makes me laugh, at one point husband was pressuring me so much that I screamed it out one night. Today we laugh about it because we learned to talk. Communicate this, because we love each other so much, we delved into it. And therapy helped me open up about myself a lot. Problem is, getting wife to want to try this. Sounds like she has some issues she needs help with. And you pressuring her for sex is the opposite of what she needs. Pressuring can be as small and simple as just an insinuation of sex to come. I would go to counseling just you by yourself first, and get some answers. Then maybe he/she will help you get wife along later so you both can work out your issues. I was in a sexless marriage once, and couldn't wait to get out of it. But I'm finding in LS that sex in a marriage is a whole complex issue for different people, and I'm still learning all this new stuff from you guys. I don't know what its like to be a wife and a mother. Does having children affect your body? Slow down your hormones? My mother had 6 children, and she's still a wild cat with my dad. I know because I have caught them on the couch for pete's sake after 34 years of marriage. So, I wonder what mom's out there go through after bearing children. How does this affect your sex life? I would say communication is your key here, get it anyway you can before you finally have resolved to split. The trick will be to get your wife on board as well, my feelings are that if she wants to save the marriage, she'll try to help.
Passionate69 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 communication is your key here sometimes "communication" is not the key here if one of you has a deaf ear and lazy to do it.
Green Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Personaly I dont think it should bother you if your wifes not that into it as long as your getting it. Tell her your sick and tired of not getting laid and shes your wife and that she just needs to have sex with you when you feel like it. You got be the alpha guy you were and not the beta sex begging man youve become. go get her.
SoleMate Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 A sexless marriage is often a very painful and sensitive situation, and yours fits that pattern. There are so many possible causes, and I strongly urge you to keep an open mind as you explore them. The best roadmap to this painful life place is The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. It is written with great compassion for both partners, PLUS very practical, realistic and reality-based ways to cope and return to happiness, which usually also means an increase in sex. I recommend you buy two copies, and you and your wife both drop everything else while you read the book and work through the ideas. Regular MC OUGHT to be a good idea, but I am afraid that there is a lack of good counselors with reliable advice or anything resembling a track record of success. Often MC just amounts to blather about how you should improve your "communication", or worse yet, a quasi-judicial exercise where one partner - or both - tries to prove that the spouse is in the wrong and needs to shape up. So try the book. Really.
Scrivdog Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 There's not a damn thing you can do about this. Your wife suggesting that you go get a hooker and leave her alone pretty much says it all. You're a roommate/provider at this point. She no doubt feels perfectly justified in feeling this way. I don't believe counseling is going to do a damn thing for you. It's not like she's going to reason her way into feeling wild and passionate for you again. You now have 3 choices: 1) Divorce 2) Affairs 3) Celibacy I went through what you went through - I chose the affair. I'm not going to tell you what to do. Just be aware of your choices. You have a better chance of winning the mega lottery that you do to get your wife all hot for sex again.
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 There's not a damn thing you can do about this. Your wife suggesting that you go get a hooker and leave her alone pretty much says it all. You're a roommate/provider at this point. She no doubt feels perfectly justified in feeling this way. I don't believe counseling is going to do a damn thing for you. It's not like she's going to reason her way into feeling wild and passionate for you again. You now have 3 choices: 1) Divorce 2) Affairs 3) Celibacy I went through what you went through - I chose the affair. I'm not going to tell you what to do. Just be aware of your choices. You have a better chance of winning the mega lottery that you do to get your wife all hot for sex again. Speaking as the wife who went off sex for 12 - 15 years, I'm afraid scrivdog has pretty much got it spot on. The three options he gives you are your only bet. And I hate to drive the knife in any deeper, but unfortunately - it's highly likely she's fallen out of love with you. And women need to love their spouses to have sex with them. Usually. There are exceptions that prove the rule, but they're not in the discussion. (swingers, open marriages, that kinda thing....) One thing: If you DO decide to go for option 2 - never, ever tell her. She not only expects you to respect the fact that she doesn't want sex with you - but she will send you to hell and back, if she thinks or finds out you're getting it elsewhere.... I'm not defending her, or condoning the situation. but this does happen to women. Between 20% - 50% of women go off sex, so for half of the female population, this is something that happens. It's called 'sexual dysfunction', which is a bit unfair there as doesn't always have to be a concrete, definite single reason. But in my case - I went clean off the guy. It's much rarer in men, which may be a simple indication of how the two sexes merely perceive sex and the 'conditions' for it happening.... But trust me. You're on a loser here.
OWoman Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 It seems your wife holds all the aces on this one - there's not a thing you can do. So, you can either accept it, or leave.
OWoman Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Ultimately, ScrivDog may be right. However, as I suggested previously, a "SHOCK TREATMENT" is a fourth option that often works well when it's pulled off correctly. Zorro I'd exercise EXTREME CAUTION in advocating that kind of advice as it can go wonderfully right, or really badly wrong! I certainly agree with your assessment that most women are actually more sexual than men are - it's just that they rarely have the kind of MAN around who knows how to turn them on. but on the other hand, if I'd gone off some guy and he tried that with me I'd have his nuts up his nostrils faster than he could blink AND I'd have the cops on his case for sexual assault. If I had some abiding interest in the guy but things were just a bit stale, it would work a treat. But it would take the wisdom of Solomon for some poor dude to work out which it was, and whether to take the chance or not - a one way ticket to paradise with a lifetime visa, or a Go to Jail card. If Nilbud feels he has so little to lose that a state funded holiday is worth the risk, fine, but perhaps he doesn't want his kids to see his photo on the back of a milk carton.
OWoman Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Certainly, I agree that discretion is always appropriate. Further, I would never advocate physical violence. The good news is that a man CAN be STRONG without ever using force or violence. Regarding your statement, "it can go wonderfully right, or really badly wrong!"... This gentleman has a price to pay either way. The question is which price does he wish to pay? In fact, I'd suggest that this man's choice is whether he wants to be a man who retains his dignity, self-respect, and a sane mind or whether he wants to be his wife's soul-less eunuch / puppet. Regarding "I'd have his nuts up his nostrils faster than he could blink"... Apparently, you're Bruce Lee's unknown sister who can handle a man at will - good for you. However, I do find your double-standard ironic - you'd abuse him and then send him off to jail for abusing you??? Regarding "cops on his case for sexual assault"... I'm not an attorney but legal case history shows that this would depend upon a person living in certain liberal states. The rest of the Union doesn't seem to view a married man demanding sex from his wife as "sexual assault" unless he has physically harmed her (which again, I would never, ever advocate). Zorro - self-defence to neutralise a threat long enough to have the threat dealt with by the law on a longer term basis is no double standard. It is in fact what police recommend you do - save yourself, but then rather than taking the law into your own hands, call the cops and let them take over. I gather you're American - I'm not, and was speaking from the laws of my country on these matters which I know well, where sexual assault between ANYBODY, married or not, is punishable by a minimum life imprisonment unless there are compelling factors in mitigation. Sexual frustration is not regarded as such. In my country, doing what your post suggested could get someone locked up in jail for life. That may be too big a risk for the OP.
Scrivdog Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Ultimately, ScrivDog may be right. However, as I suggested previously, a "SHOCK TREATMENT" is a fourth option that often works well when it's pulled off correctly. But, rather than argue this from a man's perspective, let me quote a woman (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/member.php?u=8285) who posted the following elsewhere on this forum: "My solution this whole matter........ (I may get flamed hard for this) send the kids to grandpa and grandmas house for the night (do not let her know that the kids are gone) and send her out for the day (shopping,hair appt.ect...ect...) and when she walks in the door just take charge and take her right ther.... My future hubby did this to me one night and I still get hot and bothered when I think about it...I will tell you that when my future hubby just threw me against the wall...it was one of the best experiences I have ever had.I will hope that you will get to have the experience that I did......." That my friends, is an example of a shock treatment that works more often than not. It is my experience that most women are actually more sexual than men are - it's just that they rarely have the kind of MAN around who knows how to turn them on. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that if the right man, with the right attitude, were to walk into this woman's life, her panties would be wet and her sexual desire would be through the roof in a "New-York minute". __________________ See my profile for more on how to create a happy, sex-filled marriage. That's poor advice - very poor. You make light of the fact that this woman has 0 interest in sex at all and even sugested he go see a hooker. Jumping her like this is the best way to lose the remainder of his dignity in this relationship. Besides, even if she doesn't press charges - she may pull a Bobbit on him.
Eyerish Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I totally sympathise with Nilbud's situation as I am also in that very situation. One of the main problems I think is that men and women can sometimes perceive the role of sex in a relationship very differently. Unfortunately some women (and society often in general) stereotypically think that a man just wants the physical pleasure of sex, but I think for most men this is far from the truth (don't get me wrong the physical pleasure side is great but there is so much more too it than that). It is for me anyway about a sharing something that is intimate and extremely personal with someone else. Like it or not a bloke's dick is important to him as it defines his physical identity in his mind just as much as a vagina and breasts defines a woman's physical and psychological identity and to have that part of him rejected by the person he loves is heartbreaking as it would for a woman be if a husband rejected sex with his wife. I will make a wild generalisation that most women in relationships are usually desired by their partners and are lucky enough not to have to experience that level of rejection - I would not wish it upon anyone. In my case the only times my wife has actively wanted sex with me in the last 15 or so years of dating/marriage was to get pregnant (not even on our wedding night which broke my heart). Even then it was planned to only be the few evenings each month when she thought it would most likely to succeed in fertilisation; the sex itself was very practical and not passionate and I felt that I was just a genetic material delivery device. The times that she does just 'give in' I feel awful as it is not what she really wants despite what she tells me. I know it because there is almost no reciprocity in the sex (I do everything to please her and her touching of me is more of a minimal after thought). My wife also suggested I find a hooker or similar to "get it out of my system" but she does not understand that that is not what I want. I have been faithful to her physically but I have recently developed strong caring feelings for a woman that I know socially - even though the chances are that she will never feel the same way for me. But it has made me realise that there might be happiness in a relationship with someone else. So when I see my wife of in a couple of weeks time (we live in separate countries but the distance between us is still the same when we are in the same room or bed) I will be leaving her with a heavy heart as I do love her but I see no further alternatives. You may ask why did I stay with her all that time; well I love her and I always held out hope that on the once or twice a year that we did have sex that this will be the time that things change and we would have normal relationship. But alas creating our last child put that beyond hope as she sees our sex life/relationship/marriage as normal with no need or genuine desire to change This course of action may or may not suit your situation and communication is the best chance. In my situation communication has been tried many times over the years but nothing changes. My apologies to all who have read about my woes rather than specifically answering Nilbud's dilemma but I thank you for allowing me to get it off my chest. Nilbud, I genuinely hope that you can find the answer but I can assure you there is no easy answer. Regards, Evan.
Arachnia Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Ok. If she has suggested a hooker to satisfy you, and she seems tentative to show you her body, she probably feels very insecure about the changes that have happened in her appearance since the children, no matter what the reality may be. As a woman I know, we all want to hold on to our 20-something figures, and when they go, it's almost devastating. Try spending a week making a point to compliment her sexiness (NOT her prettiness) daily. Try to give her at least three, genuine compliments on her body, the way she moves, how much she turns you on in little ways, daily. Then, after two weeks of doing this, get a sitter and plan a romantic evening. It is important that you do not try to initiate sex during these two weeks. It will let anticipation build, and give her a chance to accept that you are truly attracted to her, repetition will convince her:). Then, on your special night, try to re-create what you had in the beginning. Act as though you are confident you will not be rejected and focus on her pleasure. Ask lots of questions about what feels good and see what happens. If this doesn't work, I would consider going to counseling to see why she feels disconnected, or going to a doctor to see if there is a medical reason she has lost interest in sex. Good Luck!
saddad Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Man you are not alone. I am in the same situation after 23 years and 3 kids. It sucks. Check out my thread and you'll see what I mean.
marriedwithtwo Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Time and time again I see just about the same thing posted (a situation which I share by the way). My wife and I talk about it, and things may get better for a week or so, but then things go back to normal, where she is accepting, but not inviting. She likes it, but does not seek it out with me. Withouth getting riled up and going into a rant.... I try my best to live with it. I decided only SHE can decide to change. No book, or arguing, or anything else will change her mind. She knows how I feel. So I decided I would rather have less arguing, since the results with or without discussion would be the same. It's working for now, but I still get upset and resentful that I am simply not important enough to put on some sexy underwear for 5 minutes..... What's the big deal, I don't get it? Anyhow my suggestion to you is don't let he skirt out on the discussion. Have the discussion, tell her how important it is to you, tell her the WHOLE truth, and see where it leads. (By the way, I did this with my wife, but I didn't get anywhere).
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