Natalia87 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) My boyfriend and I were at a New Years Eve party and he had given me his phone so I could hold it in my purse. I ended up leaving the party early with my cousin and he ended up staying. So on our way home, I noticed that I had forgotten to give it back to him. I know it's wrong to invade someones privacy but anyone would do the same in a tempting situation as this. I ended up looking through his text messages and I came across really flirty messages between him and another girl. Making plans to hang out soon and about forgetting the past and starting new...which got me really upset because the texts seemed to go on within a weeks span. But I noticed that she wasn't in his call list at all besides one time and I checked to see how long the conversation was and it was 0 min. 0 sec. it was a missed call from her. Which I thought was odd, because if he was really cheating on me with her then you'd think that they'd talk on the phone right? So anyway after I read the text messages and was in complete shock...I called my cousin who is his best friend and also the person who introduced us to each other and I asked him if he knew anything about this girl. He was sort of confused so I asked him if I could talk to Jason (my ex) and my cousin wouldnt let me, he just said that he'd call me back so i said okay. My cousin confronted him and Jason explained that it was this crazy girl who he had met before he met me and he hung out with her once with a group of people and talked to her for a couple days and he didnt like her so he started ignoring her and after he did that she started talking a lot of crap about him to a lot of people, spreading rumors about him non stop and threating him. So he figured if he's start being nice to her through text then maybe she'd stop doing what she was doing. Anyway, I gave the phone back to my cousin and I didnt talk to Jason until a day later when he texting me telling me that I should have talked to him first before I went and told the whole world how big of an ******* he was Word got around quick about what happend that night and I didnt tell a single soul besides my cousin who ended up telling our whole group of friends, including Jasons friends and they started giving him a hard time because of it and Jason got mad and thought I was telling everyone what happend when I honestly didnt. So I explained that I honestly did not tell anyone but my cousin and he eventually believed that I really didnt tell anyone...So anyway he was pissed off because of that and we were goin back n forth with text and then i jus gave up so I let it go because i figured we shouldnt be doing this through text so we stopped texting and I waited til later on to call him. I never yelled or tried to fight with him, I was just completely normal I jus wanted to end things on good terms. I hate confrontation and all that...so he finally explained the situation with that girl and I could tell that he was honestly telling the truth but it was my fault that I went through his phone in the first place. I just wish he would have been honest with me about that girl and just told me the situation before hand...he knows how understanding I am, I wouldnt have thought anything about it. I apologized for not trusting him and I told him that it was up to him what he wanted to do and he said that we should jus be friends for a little and see where it goes in the future. So I got quiet because I didnt kno what to say then we hung up...Then I sent him a text like an hour later and I was like "Can i ask you one question and ill never bother you about this again" and he was like ya....So i said "does even a little part of you believe that we're worth a second try? Im really sorry for not trusting you, I should have known better but I dont wanna give up on us that easily" and he was like "Either do i and I think we should be friends for a little and it will benefit our relationship more" so i was like "promise we'll stay friends" and he said of course so i said goodnight and that was it Now I don't know what to do because I miss him so much and its all my fault. We had the most perfect relationship ever and now its gone because of my stupid trust issues Please help I dont know what to do, how am I supposed to be friends with someone who I care about so much Edited January 3, 2008 by Natalia87
Lishy Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Dont be friends with him. Dont ring or text him and let him miss you. If he doesnt call then you have your answer and he wasnt that special in the first place! If he does call then maybe you have a chance BUT do you want a chance with a guy who has obviously made up a pack of lies to get out of this?
Author Natalia87 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 You're right a big part of me believes him though I dont plan on calling him or texting him at all I promise
watchconcierge Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Good girl and keep posting here for support babe He's a dawg. You can't trust somebody when you see something like that. And I speak from experience when I say this... Even if you stick it out, you will most likely have major trust issues that will eventually ruin the relationship. Just my opinion, though.
Lishy Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 He will show his true colours, they always do! Until then she just needs to get through the emotions she is feeling!
watchconcierge Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 He will show his true colours, they always do! Until then she just needs to get through the emotions she is feeling! Wow... I feel as if I've become jaded. Marriage and serious relationships don't mean much to me now I think. I feel like people should run at the first sign of a major issue rather than trying to fix it. I wonder if this is a good thing...
Author Natalia87 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Yea I highly doubt we're ever going to go back to the way we were so I wont even get my hopes up, Im just really hurt and at first I felt like it was my fault but I shouldnt put the blame on me because its honestly human nature, anyone would have done the same thing that I did so he cant blame me for looking through his phone
Lishy Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I must say that I would have done the same thing but it does not make it right I guess - I would be so upset if my BF looked through my phone, but then I have nothing to hide!
watchconcierge Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Yea I highly doubt we're ever going to go back to the way we were so I wont even get my hopes up, Im just really hurt and at first I felt like it was my fault but I shouldnt put the blame on me because its honestly human nature, anyone would have done the same thing that I did so he cant blame me for looking through his phone I looked through my ex's phone a number of times. And she looked through mine. Who cares? If you're a psycho looking through somebody's phone every single day while accusing him of something he's not doing, that's another story. But who cares? You looked at his phone and found out he was interested in another girl? Don't have a guilt trip over that! Be glad you found out.
Lee725 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 A good dose of alone time may help here, it sucks, it sucks really bad, i am doing it to right now. In the end, he will either come back to you or it will end. The friends thing only raises more questions, problems and arguements because all of the emotions are so raw. This next bit is knd of against my better judgement because i am not into playing games but: Another thing to try might be calling his bluff. On your end go NC, if he contacts you, really delay responding to him... and when you do say "oh sorry i have been really busy doing .......". even wait a day or so before replying, after all friends dont normally talk everyday! In this situation as much as it does hurt, play the friends card, be busy, be socializing, even if you are at home being miserable and watching TV. If he calls.. txt back 4 hours later and say "i was out having coffee, sorry i missed your call!", Dont say where or who with, making it a guessing game for him. (i dont condone lying but you get the drift). If he feels that it was OK, for him to be Txting a girl back and forth and not tell you about it, the thought of you doing things that he does not know about might do his head in a little. You had a right for raising the trust issue, how long would that have gone on if you had not found the messages?... it is still going on now!! Let's see his true colours when it comes to trust, especially now since he just wants to be your "friend", he has no right to know the in's and out's of your personal life and he has no right to ask. If this relationship is as great as it seemed to you, it will work out, but make sure it is on equal terms, dont blame yourself for doing something most people would have done and discovering something that he should have told you to start with.
Author Natalia87 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Thank you all so much, you are all a great source of support
Lishy Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I dont think the 'be his busy friend' thing will work You need to leave his life for him to miss you
Lee725 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Hi Lishy, you are probably right. The angle i am trying to make is that in this situation people (like me) tend to crave communication with the EX no matter how it comes about, be it bad messages or nice conversations. It is better to keep it nice but distant, rather than sending the "begging and pleading for forgiveness" txts, i really hope Natalia has enough strength not to communicate with him at all, & you are right there again, she does need to be gone for him to miss her, but not everyone has the strength to cut it off completely. It has taken me a lot of years to learn that skill and i still dont have it refined. as i said in my post it is against my better judgement, but i just thought i'd put the idea out there.
Author Natalia87 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 You're right it would be a good idea but tough to just vanish from his life for good but the only problem is that his family and my family were really close before we even met...his dad and my uncle have been best friends ever since they were kids and my ex is best friends with my first cousin whom im extremely close to so it would be really tough to do that. plus we have a lot of the same friends as well
dkny27 Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 This is exactly how I found out my ex was cheating on me. He tried to lie to get out of it and I believed him and then like 2 weeks later I found out he was going out with me and another girl at the same time for almost the first year of our relationship. He lived 2 hours away, so neither of us had any clue about the other one. I got her # from his phone before I questioned him who he was sending flirty text messages to, and then I called her and left a nice message explaining who i am and that I didn't want to cause trouble but I wanted to know what was going on. She called me back and it was sick how anytime we got in a fight, he would go be with her more and when they got in a fight he would spend more time with me. I know it hurts, but at least you found out before something like this could happen. Your better off just staying away from this guy and no contact. We had mutual friends as well, and I can't say it all worked out, some friends choose him over me, and that really hurt but what can you do? If he really misses you and wants to be with you, he will contact you and then I am sure you will have a lot to talk about before you give it another try. Just be careful and put yourself first.
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