Meaplus3 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I am so confused right now! I guess I am just not sure what it takes to be in a Great relationship/marriage? What are the requirement's here? Commitment, inlove, love, lost's in common. Or do most just settle due to obligation's without the rest present? Part 2- If your unhappy in a marriage or LTR, then why not leave and move onto to someone who has what it takes to be the person that you want to spend time with. What's the big fear? Any thought's would be very appreciated. AP:)
OpenBook Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I think a very common fear is that you'll just end up in the same situation as you were before. Every person has their own set of "baggage" and requires adjusting in a new relationship... albeit some more than others! And I think there are as many definitions of "A Great Marriage" as there are people. Personally, I have no clue.:D
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I think a very common fear is that you'll just end up in the same situation as you were before. Every person has their own set of "baggage" and requires adjusting in a new relationship... albeit some more than others! And I think there are as many definitions of "A Great Marriage" as there are people. Personally, I have no clue.:D Open, Thank's for taking a stab at my question I do appreciate it ! I think your very right about many definition's of a "great marriage", It must vary from couple to couple. Since my marriage has been so not good for so long now, I guess I am just lost in Relationship's/ marriage in general. MC really is not working like I figured it would. Making the decesion to end a marriage of 15 year's is not a step I take lightly. I still wonder if I'm missing something? Is there anything else that can save this M? Have not a clue. AP:)
Passionate69 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 it is very easy to get into the relationship but once getting sour it is harder to get out !
Lishy Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I think what makes a good relationship is ..... 1. mutual respect 2. trust 3. communication Of course attraction is there but there would not be a relationship without it! That is my take And I think people are scared of being alone and that is what keeps them in a bad relationship Its hard to see you ever meeting anyone else when you are single and the fear of being alone is terrible to alot of people.
CraigAllen Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I am so confused right now! I guess I am just not sure what it takes to be in a Great relationship/marriage? What are the requirement's here? Commitment, inlove, love, lost's in common. Or do most just settle due to obligation's without the rest present? Part 2- If your unhappy in a marriage or LTR, then why not leave and move onto to someone who has what it takes to be the person that you want to spend time with. What's the big fear? Any thought's would be very appreciated. AP:) I'm just curious AP. Are you asking in reference to yourself or your former OM? I thought you were committed to your marriage. I guess maybe I missed something.
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I am so confused right now! I guess I am just not sure what it takes to be in a Great relationship/marriage? What are the requirement's here? Commitment, inlove, love, lost's in common. Or do most just settle due to obligation's without the rest present? Part 2- If your unhappy in a marriage or LTR, then why not leave and move onto to someone who has what it takes to be the person that you want to spend time with. What's the big fear? Any thought's would be very appreciated. AP:) Well I think a good relationship involved trust, honesty, openness, committment, mutual obligation and admiration, shared values and a desire to grow together to be better people. When things go wrong, it's hard to let go. You remember the good times, hope for the best, and try to make things right. I know right now for me, things with my SO are not the best because he royally ****ed up on NYE by drinking and drugging...but I have faith that things will get better. I have hope. I have invested too much to let this go easily.
Touche Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I agree with what BO listed. But I would also add shared goals. That's been a big one in our marriage right from the start. We spend hours talking about future plans and goals/desires. And what's exciting is over the years, we've met all the goals we've set. It's fun to look back and remember when we first started planning something and saw it to fruition. Then we make new plans. It helps if you have the same dreams. It's really hard to answer your question though, OP. You can have all the elements listed i.e. shared values, goals, good communication, etc. etc. But if the two people involved have different temperaments (I talk about this all the time) then none of it matters in my experience. So that's a biggie in my mind. As for people settling...I don't know. I never would. Life is too short.
Lizzie60 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I would say: Love Respect Communication 'Live and let live' attitude (being independant from one another = no jealousy)
Kasan Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I would say: Degrees of compatibility and similar core values.
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I'm just curious AP. Are you asking in reference to yourself or your former OM? I thought you were committed to your marriage. I guess maybe I missed something. Craig, This has nothing to do at all with the xmm, he is long gone and 100 % out of my system. It refer's to my marriage. AP:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I would say: Love Respect Communication 'Live and let live' attitude (being independant from one another = no jealousy) Lizzie, I see it this way too! Especially the Respect part. That's a big one for me and is lacking big time in my marriage. I have know idea how to fix that or if it's even possible at this point. Thank's for your post! AP:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I agree with what BO listed. But I would also add shared goals. That's been a big one in our marriage right from the start. We spend hours talking about future plans and goals/desires. And what's exciting is over the years, we've met all the goals we've set. It's fun to look back and remember when we first started planning something and saw it to fruition. Then we make new plans. It helps if you have the same dreams. It's really hard to answer your question though, OP. You can have all the elements listed i.e. shared values, goals, good communication, etc. etc. But if the two people involved have different temperaments (I talk about this all the time) then none of it matters in my experience. So that's a biggie in my mind. As for people settling...I don't know. I never would. Life is too short. Yes! The temperment part is very important. H and I are very opposite in this area, mabey that's the biggest problem after all. I am very layed back, I don't like to argue and fight, where as he is very high strung. He has a hard time having a normal down to earth coversation with me and actually for the most party with anyone. AP:)
Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Yes! The temperment part is very important. H and I are very opposite in this area, mabey that's the biggest problem after all. I am very layed back, I don't like to argue and fight, where as he is very high strung. He has a hard time having a normal down to earth coversation with me and actually for the most party with anyone. AP:) I feel like one of the last people right now who should be speculating on what makes a good relationship. I'm curious to know: in terms of temperament, what does "down to earth" mean?
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I feel like one of the last people right now who should be speculating on what makes a good relationship. I'm curious to know: in terms of temperament, what does "down to earth" mean? Green, The way I look at it is like this. "Temperament" is all about how we behave and think. A down to earth person is over all very Realistic and simple. Overall I am very Realistic about most thing's in life(ok, excluding my ea with mm).My H on the other hand is not. While yes he's very Realistic about his thriving career and managing money, he fail's miserably with people # 1 being me his wife. I'm a people person, alway's have been alway's will be. I love to communicate, mostly H does not. When H does it's never simple. He see's so many thing's in life like they need to have some long drawn out scientific explanation. So, our temperament's are very diffrent as you can see. IMOP, I think that it's very normal for people's temperament's to change over the course of a marriage or LTR for many reason, and perhap's they can become balanced again?. However, when the balance is so far off, I conclude that it's not healthy to stay in the R, IMOP that's "Realistic". AP:)
Rooster_DAR Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I would think also that if you wind up in a relationship you are attracted to them only if not temporarily. In answer to you question on why people don't move on to someone who is really a better match, there are many reasons but I think they become somewhat trapped by the fear of hurting their S/O and the fear they are going to make a tremendous mistake and wind up alone. Cheers!
OpenBook Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I think they become somewhat trapped by the fear of hurting their S/O and the fear they are going to make a tremendous mistake and wind up alone. Cheers! That's funny, I fear the exact opposite, what they are already living - being trapped in a marriage!!:D But I have always been curious about this particular insight I keep hearing about successful LTM's... that the infatuation always fades after the first couple years and will never return -- but if they hang in there they may get to a point that is always described as a "deeper, richer experience." What is that exactly? Is it similar to having a good friend you've known well all your life... like a fine wine, as opposed to a $12 grocery-store bottle dated 2005 (a friend you've only known a couple of years)? You enjoy both - but there is just no comparison to that fine wine??
Trialbyfire Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 A great relationship is when you're both firing on all cylinders...
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 A great relationship is when you're both firing on all cylinders... Sound's good to me! Now how does one get to that point? AP:)
Touche Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 If you're with a person you don't respect or even just enjoy sitting and talking to, you can't ever get to that point. You have to really like being together first and foremost. Do you enjoy your husband's company? Do you laugh and tease each other and have long interesting talks?
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 If you're with a person you don't respect or even just enjoy sitting and talking to, you can't ever get to that point. You have to really like being together first and foremost. Do you enjoy your husband's company? Do you laugh and tease each other and have long interesting talks? We can laugh and tease..... however it's not much anymore. Interesting Talk's? None really. Ahhhh.... I know it's time to end the marriage. I'm just so afraid of what lies ahead for me and my 3 kid's. AP:)
Touche Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 We can laugh and tease..... however it's not much anymore. Interesting Talk's? None really. Ahhhh.... I know it's time to end the marriage. I'm just so afraid of what lies ahead for me and my 3 kid's. AP:) Ok, don't laugh but I've talked about this before. H and I (married 12 1/2 years) hit a rough patch about 5 or 6 years ago. We got Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue. We worked the exercises and went through the required steps. It really helped us get back on track again. It's worth a shot. Even if your H doesn't want to work on it with you, it's worth reading that book. It really opened up our eyes to things and it helped us break some bad habits we'd fallen into regarding our treatment of each other. You have kids. I wouldn't give up just yet.
sarme Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 (edited) A think a good relationship consists of as Touche said shared goals, a strong level of attraction (not an over time you force to see attraction it has to be there right from the get-go) but first and foremost it takes a heafty amout of open communication, everything parts from there. Affection, sex, intellectual amusement, respect and admiration all part from good communication, without that I believe you have nothing. In answer to you question on why people don't move on to someone who is really a better match, there are many reasons but I think they become somewhat trapped by the fear of hurting their S/O and the fear they are going to make a tremendous mistake and wind up alone. This is very true in the case of my b/f and why he was having a hard time leaving his marriage, mixture of guilt of hurting the woman he no longer loved with fear that it would be a big risk for the unknown. but it finally dawned on him that sometimes you have to make a big leap to find happiness and as risky as it is if ending up alone is still better than the currenet situation you are in then you don't really have that much to lose. The guilt is still a work in progress though... Interesting Talk's? None really. Ahhhh.... I know it's time to end the marriage. I'm just so afraid of what lies ahead for me and my 3 kid's. According to your posts you sound really sweet and intelligent, if you look anything like that picture of Jewel you are also beautiful, so what is this fear of being alone? Why in the world would you end up alone? The thing you need to ask yourself is, if in the worse case scenario this were true, is being alone ultimate that much worse than being with someone you feel like you are trapped with? There is a great sense of freedom in being alone and the idea that you don't need to be in any sort of mood or way for anyone else, you can live your life for what you want, is very rewarding. How can that not be better than being next to someone you feel you have forced interaction with? Have you tried couples therapy by the way? As I always like to say this isn't the test run for the next "real" life, this is it there is no other chance to do this. Edited January 5, 2008 by sarme
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 Ok, don't laugh but I've talked about this before. H and I (married 12 1/2 years) hit a rough patch about 5 or 6 years ago. We got Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue. We worked the exercises and went through the required steps. It really helped us get back on track again. It's worth a shot. Even if your H doesn't want to work on it with you, it's worth reading that book. It really opened up our eyes to things and it helped us break some bad habits we'd fallen into regarding our treatment of each other. You have kids. I wouldn't give up just yet. Thank's Touche, I will give that book a try. AP:)
OWoman Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I am so confused right now! I guess I am just not sure what it takes to be in a Great relationship/marriage? What are the requirement's here? Commitment, inlove, love, lost's in common. Or do most just settle due to obligation's without the rest present? AP everyone can come up with a shopping list, and some things may be common and some things completely different (some people foreground trust, others honesty) but I think what's important here is what matters to YOU in a marriage. If you say it's not great, what do YOU feel you're missing from it? And would that be better or worse if you left the marriage? If, say, you're missing companionship in the marriage, and you're wanting to move on - would that free you to find companionship elsewhere, or would you miss the company you had with your H? (That's an example; I don't know what you're missing and I'm not sure if you've made such a list or not.) And - the things that are missing - are they things you could "find" again with your H or are they things that you'd need to find elsewhere - either with someone else or by yourself in your own space without the strictures of a M? The kids are a factor, sure, but I've always felt as someone whose parents "stayed together for the kids" that unhappily married parents do their kids no favours in sticking it out. I'd rather have had happily divorced parents, and envied those of my friends who did. Happily married parents is clearly first prize, but if the marriage can't be happy, then D is no failure for the kids. Happy parents raise happy kids. You say MC isn't working as you'd hoped - is that your H's take on it too?
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