lilac Posted June 13, 2003 Posted June 13, 2003 Hello all...I am back again for more advice...Here's the story. I was introduced to this guy that works at the same company as me by mutual friends because they felt that we would hit it off. Now, before you think, "oh no, a work place relationship," let me explain. We have both worked here for 3 years and I never met him before. We mostly work different shifts on opposite ends of the building. So, my friend's dad works directly with him and he told him that I wanted to meet him and hang out. So, this guy says that would be cool and we exchange emails. We get together at the company picnic, have some beers and head out to a bar after the picnic was over. There were a bunch of other co-workers at the bar with us and we had a good time. So, he has his arm around me and seems really interested in the conversation. Here's the bad part...we continued drinking and both got very drunk. We ended up going back to his place and having sex. I know, I know...it was stupid. If I could replay it all again, I would have never done that and I told him that is not my usual style. I don't want to blame the alcohol, but it did lower my inhibitions. So, the next day he texts me and asks how I am and when I wanted to hang out again. That was a Sunday. So, Tuesday night, I came home from a work trip and we went to the bar again and drank a lot. There was no sex, but lots of touching and there were co-workers there too. Wednesday, we make plans for dinner and had a nice time. We went to a bar after that and got crazy. Again, lots of co-workers because there was a meeting at the hotel. He ends up at my place and we have sex. I get a text from him the next day...but don't see him all weekend because he went away with friends and he lost his cell phone (that is true...work had to get him a new one). Anyway, so then I left on Monday for a business trip and called him while I was away. We made plans to get together this Sunday and he said he would stop in to see my at my desk yesterday when I get back. So, he comes to see me for like 5 minutes and seems completely uninterested in me. He doesn't ask me about my trip, or anything personal. So, I left and went to my friends house and he had to work overnight. While I am at my friend's house, he texts me something funny. I text him back and ask him if he wants to get breakfast this morning so I can get to know him better when I am in a sober state of mind. He replies, Nah, he's going to bed. OK, I understand, he worked all night, but I got the feeling he wasn't interested. So, I text him back and ask him if he is freaked out because I like him and missed spending time with him. He replied, "A little". I asked him why. He said that he likes hanging with me but the spark isn't there. (via a text message) Now, I have to admit, when I felt him pulling away earlier in the week, I probably did panic and it seemed like I was chasing him. Not really, I called once and he called me right back on my cell. However, I think I freaked him out and I think he thinks I might have been pushy. I tend to panic when I feel someone pulling away. The problem is, I do like hanging with him and I could potentially see a relationship, but it started out on the wrong foot. What should I do? I didn't text him back after he made the spark comment. Should I ignore it? Should I explain myself? What do you think happened? Help!!!!
midori Posted June 13, 2003 Posted June 13, 2003 I don't think there's any point in beating yourself up over what's already passed. But you've made your interest in him overwhelmingly clear and that's probably made him rather cautious. You two work together. Getting involved in a serious relationship, or even a semi-serious relationship will be much more complicated than if you two just knew each other socially. So there's that to consider. You two jumped into a physical relationship very quickly. I don't think there are any inherent character judgements to be made about that, but the fact that it happened so fast means that there was little time for thinking about whether or not you each actually want to get involved with each other. You don't know each other very well yet. My guess is that in his mind things happened very quickly and he doesn't want you to have the wrong idea about his intentions. He probably doesn't know what his intentions are. But if you're there with clear hope, perhaps even an expectation, that things are going to progress into a full-blown relationship, he's undoubtedly going to feel pressured. It sounds like you do hope that things will progress with this guy. And that's fine. But you shouldn't assume that they will just because he slept with you. There's nothing wrong with hooking up with a guy if that's what you want to do. But you can't assume that a couple of one-night stands means that a relationship is in the cards. If he had been pursuing you, taking you out on dates, and then the two of you slept together, then such an assumption would be more reasonable. But not here. That's the downside to hooking up. My advice would be to back off. Waaay off. Don't blow him off, don't try to be cold and punishing. Just don't make it seem like you're waiting for his next call, waiting for him to announce that he'd like to start a relationship. You two had casual sex. If you can't be casual about it after the fact -- which means that you'll be fine if nothing more comes of it -- then you really shouldn't engage in it. I'm not trying to be quelling or harsh. I can appreciate how you got into the position you're in, and I'm sympathetic for your hopes. But be careful about your assumptions, and be careful about how you're coming across to him. If you make him feel like he's on the spot he'll simply avoid you. Be friendly but casual. Don't initiate communication with him -- texting, emails, phone calls, whatever -- more than once a week. Don't seem too eager. With some justification, I think that he's probably afraid that you've put more significance on the encounters you've had with him than he's ready for. Go on dates with other men, keep busy. Don't be so available and eager. Don't try to create situations that will throw the two of you together. You know what I mean. Not saying that you've done that, but if the days/weeks go by and you're not getting any positive indicators from him, you're just going to have to accept that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Good luck. I hope it turns out the way you're hoping it will. Just play it cool, and don't get your hopes up TOO high...
Author lilac Posted June 13, 2003 Author Posted June 13, 2003 You are absolutely right. I feel like a schmuck thought because I probably appeared clingy to him and he ran for the hills. The good news is that we won't work on the same schedule again until next Wednesday, so it gives it time to blow over. I just feel like I look like a fool because I pushed him over the limit. I do want a relationship to him and I made that was too obvious. I sometimes have problems playing it cool...I did in the beginning, but when I sensed him pulling away, I hung on tighter. I know you said not to email him...but do you think it would be good to email him and try to explain myself...that I wasn't trying to pressure him and yadda yadda. Or do you think that would be a bad idea? I feel like an idiot!!!
NEONINK Posted June 13, 2003 Posted June 13, 2003 I'm reading something that says when it hurts or feels uncomfortable, pay attention. Your lesson is there! The question you might want to figure out, for now and future happiness, is one that I have struggled with also. How do I end this panicked feeling when they seem to pull away at the beginning? I don't know about you, but sometimes I don't take lovers, I take hostages... It usually boils down to a fear of abandonment. I think our lives and relationships will be better when we overcome that fear.
yes Posted June 13, 2003 Posted June 13, 2003 i think explanatory emails don't do much good, ever... so just follow midori's advice! good luck, yes
clia Posted June 13, 2003 Posted June 13, 2003 I agree. Don't send any kind of explanatory e-mail. When you send things like that, all guy's read or hear is "I'm psycho, I'm psycho, I'm psycho," even if you have good intentions. Guys don't like to discuss hardcore relationship stuff too early, so its best usually not to bring it up at all. We women can talk and analyze things to death, but most guys aren't like that. Your best bet now is to retain your dignity with silence. It seems like he definitely did like you--he was texting you and asking you to do things, but there is a hazy line between liking you for a relationship and liking you because he thinks he might get some booty. Now all you can do is take a huge step back and let him figure it out. Don't contact him at all--be nice to him if he contacts you, but do everything you can to not be pushy, overbearing, or to chase him. Just give him his space. And if this doesn't work out...there are always other fish in the sea! Good luck.
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