Sashy Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 It started off Dec of 2005 when we met online and he pursued me. We had such great chemistry and he seemed totally falling for me, and I was on the same page. But somewhere down the line after we met and I totally fell in love and expressed my feelings, he backed off and said he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I simply did not give up, and have been, and u can say, almost pursuing him. But I am not always proud when I think back on my behavior - I have been needy. I have shown desperation. I have gotten super-emotional in front of him. I have begged that he consider "us". I have begged to be dated by him. Except for the time he got really scared with my emotionality and involvement, and got really distant for a couple of months, calling me only very occassionaly just to see how I am doing, these entire 2 years, we have stayed in very close touch. His calling me every single day, his visiting me etc was also throwing me off, and i continued hoping. Unfortunately, we have always been long distance. Either different states, or different countries. In all of 2 yrs, we have met only 5 times. But spent wonderful and intense days together in person. A point came, where after we had "the talk" once again - it leading to an emotional situation again - I decided I have had enough and I am not waiting for him anymore...and I said I needed atleast a 2 month break so I could return as just a friend. Didn't work. I broek my own intention and called him in 4 days. I read the book "How to get your lover back" and I realized I have been STUPID and an IDIOT for making ALL the mistakes already with him, that she says to NOT make! I have been a really irrational, crazy, emotional fool with him. Even threatening to take my life, which I was really driven to in reality. How can I UNDO all that? I cant. And I beat myself up over it so much. He is a sweetheart, and I know he wants to be just friends, and yet, the chemistry and compatibility we share is so beautiful. I feel we are meant to be More if only he opened his mind, eyes, heart. He even said he has feelings for me, then why not come forth? I almost feel like I had him, then I drove him away with my emotions. He couldn't handle a girl being so interested and actively pursuing him. Would anyone have any helpful suggestions on what i can do to give us a chance? To help him, think of me in a special sense. I have started following blaise harris's suggestions from the book, and I have started to just become mindful of HIS needs, as opposed to mine. I ask him less questions. I have stopped complaining and asking and expecting things from him. I let him call me, and sometimes, I hang up first. Although this situation is really painful, I can't help but think of him always as someone I need to go deeper with. He continues to touch my heart. Deep within I feel he is my other half. He is the one. It has taken me 2 yrs to be able to slightly let things go and accept the fact that he is perhaps still turned off and isnt on the same page. BUT....I simply cannot help but think about him in the Most special sense. I want him with me. Now, in 2 weeks, he will be moving countries. How are we going to handle this? We will stay in touch, but I know, that for him, it is going to be perhaps just as simple as "staying in touch" - nothing Special about it perhaps. How can I try with such a long distance between us where we wont even be meeting? All I can do is be my best self on the phone. He cares for me. And deep within, below those still, non-chalant casual waters, I know his heart throbs and does long for someone "right". I just hope that he tells me clearly and directly that he wants us to be together. But it looks like that day might never come. At the same time, I know, I cannot let go of him and lose hope this easily. I have clung on tight to him. It is only now, that I have felt, it is wise to meet other people. Just that, I feel extremely guilty doing that. Plus, I am ending up lying to the guy I love - coz I dont want him to think I am going out with some other guy. How is this all going to work with all this confusion? I am not crying as much for him these days as I used to everyday...but it just hits me sometimes unexpectedly. Like after yesterday's phonecall when he said he needed to go, and I wanted him to stay, but I got mildly upset and told him to go. And after that call, i really cried. I have lost my sleep, and even regular eating habits over this emotional turmoil in my life. Why did I fall in love? And now, I don't even feel like giving it up, even though, it is not being reciprocated as I would like. Really sorry this got long...but there's just so much to this.
s_n_d Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Maybe the fact that its long distance is killing him. Maybe he wanted to be with you.. if only you lived closer to him or something.
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I don't know about this. Maybe it's just me, but I really need physical proximity to become attached to the REALTIY of a person. I had a LDR with a man who lived in Scotlad. We even got engaged. Then we actually lived together and it was a disaster (for many reasons....). In the end I realized that I had fallen for my fantasy of what this man was. When confronted with the reality of stinky socks and dirty dishes, it all fell flat. Maybe you aren't really attached to this man...but you are attached to your idea of him that you hold in your head.
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