oppath Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 It's been a year and I'm thinking about my ex too much. I haven't moved on. We only dated 6 months. She was my first love at 27 years old, the first woman to say "I love you Oppath;" "I think you are the guy I am going to marry; when you were hiking up those rocks, I imagined a little boy, our son following you." But she acted distant when I was away, and I knew we wouldn't have much time together do to classes, so I panicked and pushed, and then "it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings for you; if I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be with you, but I need to do these things for me. I'm not emotionally ready for such a serious relationship after being in one for 5 years before you. I need to be single, but please, it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings for you." By my count, I told her four times the next two weeks "I can't be your friend because I have feelings for you and want a relationship. I need some time and space to heal and ask that you not contact me for a couple months. Maybe we can be friends months from now, but I need space to heal. It will be too difficult for me. If you don't understand this request, call me and I'll explain it one last time if you don't understand because something is lost in translation via email, but I really need this space, please give it to me." Her response "I understand, but would you be willing to have a friends with benefits relationship?" "When you broke up with me, you broke up with my cock. I'm not going to whore myself out to you. We both know I deserve more than that." "I was just joking." And that is what devastated me, as I interpreted it to mean "you, your feelings, and our relationship are just a joke to me. I was just ****ing you. You are a joke." It got worse. A week later a friend told me "so she started acting distant the day after her birthday? Something happened and she made me promise not to tell. Her ex essentially proposed to her on her birthday (I was visiting family, we celebrated before that)." I embarrassed sending an excessively mean and email which she forwarded to her friends, who I thought were my friends, but no more. He never knew about me but I guess he'd hang out with her for hours during our relationship, even spending the night at her house (she lived with her parents). I tried to go places I was invited, but there was hostility towards me. I had to walk away. I've been pretty successful at avoiding places or rather, finding new venues. But I'm not over it. It's been a year. How I felt in response to the drama: I felt used, objectified, belittled, manipulated, invisible like I never existed, that I was a rebound, and that our relationship was fraudulent. I felt unlovable, like I was just a piece of meat. I felt pretty damn worthless. It shattered my reality. And I really believe those negative emotions about myself. This was shortly after my PhD project failed. That's an entire other discussion that left me feeling worthless. My self esteem has taken such a beating and it hasn't not improved this year. I don't know if me not moving on has kept the self esteem low or the low self esteem and depression make me think too much about the past. Approaching the 1 year anniversary of the breakup, it just reminds me of all the pain. I want it to be over with and gone. I'm just so unhappy with my life in general, I think back to her. I was happy with her, but then **** happened at work, **** happened with her, and my work efforts to improve work haven't yielded results. Dating and meeting women is the easy part. But I don't want to think about an ex a year later. It's pathetic, really. I know the key is feeling like I have worth. If I feel like I am lovable, it will be forgotten. I don't want to be with her, but for some reason think she is a good person even though she lies and is manipulative and definitely not a friend, but I think of myself as bad. I've got some serious self esteem work this next year.
tanbark813 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Well the good news is the first love is the hardest to lose. As your heart continues to get broken by new women it gets easier and easier until you have a lump of cold, blackness in your chest.
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 it gets easier and easier until you have a lump of cold, blackness in your chest. I used to say that my heart was nothing more than a lump of beating scar tissue.. The right girl changed that
Kamille Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Well the good news is the first love is the hardest to lose. As your heart continues to get broken by new women it gets easier and easier until you have a lump of cold, blackness in your chest. hum yeah. Or, until you realize your inner strenght and that love, as tricky as it is, is well worth the heartaches. Heartbreaks do play a number on self-esteem. I think you might be an idealist who got his hopes and dream squashed in very little time. You keep mentionning the FWB offer and I understand why. It certainly did demonstrate that she didn't share the intensity of your feelings and yes I would have found it disrespectful. Yet this reflects poorly on her while you standing up for the love you believed in by refusing shows what an honorable character you have.
Saxis Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I don't want to be with her, but for some reason think she is a good person even though she lies and is manipulative and definitely not a friend, but I think of myself as bad. I've got some serious self esteem work this next year. I'm with you on this. My X did almost the exact same thing (nearly cheating, needed space, FWB jokes). Be thankful you don't have a child stuck in the middle and you don't have to deal with her on a regular basis. I fear I'll never get the space I need... Keep on going on, Oppath. Well the good news is the first love is the hardest to lose. As your heart continues to get broken by new women it gets easier and easier until you have a lump of cold, blackness in your chest. Looking forward to it...
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 oppath, you've got two components that you've tied together. The relationship and your project/thesis. Why not break it down and conquer one aspect at a time? School first, relationship afterwards.
Nemo Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Why not break it down and conquer one aspect at a time? School first, relationship afterwards. Yes. Absolutely right. School is for studying, and relationships are for getting f#cked - not the other way around.
Author oppath Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 Well the good news is the first love is the hardest to lose. As your heart continues to get broken by new women it gets easier and easier until you have a lump of cold, blackness in your chest. I'm looking forward to the day I can say "I drink my coffee black, like the color of my soul." You keep mentionning the FWB offer and I understand why. It certainly did demonstrate that she didn't share the intensity of your feelings and yes I would have found it disrespectful. Yet this reflects poorly on her while you standing up for the love you believed in by refusing shows what an honorable character you have. That was the weird thing. She acted so intensely. Everything in the relationship was pushed by her. I think the main thing is I went berserker on her for it and I am still embarrassed by it. oppath, you've got two components that you've tied together. The relationship and your project/thesis. Why not break it down and conquer one aspect at a time? School first, relationship afterwards. That's some good advice. School is so unsatisfying. It needs to be tackled. It's a big problem and is more important.
Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I wish I could help you the way you've helped me, O. But all I can offer you is this: it does get easier with time, both to heal from this relationship, as well as to heal after subsequent breakups with others. Not that it doesn't suck, because it does.
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Oppath I understand she was the one that pushed the intensity, but did you feel that intensity during the relationship on your part? Or only after or while she was pulling back? I'm wondering if you were attracted to her because you sensed some dynamic of her being unavailable to you wholly? I'm speculating, not sure until you say which.
Nemo Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Well the good news is the first love is the hardest to lose. Assuming you can remember their name. Having said that, I'll always remember my first mirror. You keep mentionning the FWB offer and I understand why. It certainly did demonstrate that she didn't share the intensity of your feelings and On a positive note, it certainly demonstrates that he has a great benefits package. I think we should all do a little soul-searching after a relationship ends, as some reflection is necessary to perhaps make better choices, and to learn how to love even deeper. But anything more than a little is a complete and utter waste of energy. And life.
Author oppath Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) Oppath I understand she was the one that pushed the intensity, but did you feel that intensity during the relationship on your part? Or only after or while she was pulling back? I'm wondering if you were attracted to her because you sensed some dynamic of her being unavailable to you wholly? I'm speculating, not sure until you say which. I started feeling it too, but not when she would say things. It was more gradual. I started feeling it a couple weeks before she pulled back. It really intensified, of course, when she pulled back and I pushed. As for unavailability? I've tended to get involved with women just out of long term, serious relationships, and I've tended to ignore red flags that indicate the woman isn't ready. Like this woman, she was hesitant, and flat out didn't want me, to meet some of her friends who were close friends with her ex, so his feelings wouldn't be hurt . That is a sign that someone either isn't that into me, or they haven't moved on enough. Now, that is doormat behavior on my part, but in reality, I accepted it because it is a way of sabotaging things. I keep a cautious distance for a long time. I make poor (less likely to last) choices because I can keep my distance and not get hurt. What happened was I basically decided, "ok, I'm ready to fall in love now" and then I did. And when I decide that, I fall hard. It's very gradual. Feelings intensified just before she pulled away. I sometimes wonder if it took me too long to express them, but that's just grasping at straws. It is over. The bigger issue is what will it take for me to feel adequate in my dating/relationship skills and feeling lovable? Because that is how this experience left me feeling. Inadequate and unlovable. And I felt those things as soon as she said "we need to talk." There was a panic almost, a "you don't know how hard it was for me to transform from being shy and start dating and finally feel loved" type of entitlement. That concerns me because a relationship lasting isn't really proof of those things, and if I got the monkey off my back having a LTR, if it ended, I'd think and feel the same things just on a bigger scale. Yes, I am in counseling. Edited January 3, 2008 by oppath
Author oppath Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 On a positive note, it certainly demonstrates that he has a great benefits package. That's true. I offer a great benefits package. And I'm looking for an assistant if any of you ladies want to sit on my staff.
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I find myself not knowing how to respond, because I can completely relate...yet there is something closed circuit in the thoughts. This happened, I felt this, therefore i am this. I am this because this happened. And you have met some others since, but none could remove that, you come back to it. It's pretty complicated. Then again, i doubt she was so special (no offense-but you are a guy, intelligent and motivated etc etc and a lot of girls prefer relationships, I think there is no shortage of good women for you to choose from) and it taps into that dark part everyone has, that says we are not worthy, but someone else was. It seems love is a decision a man makes. And the fall was great because she had been laying it on heavy up to that point. I believe you will feel better when you truly meet the next one who rocks your world. That's the problem with failed relationships, it destabilizes and then one becomes dependent on replacing them to feel better again. It's true, you know it's true. So it's just a matter of time then....
Nemo Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 This happened, I felt this, therefore i am this. I am this because this happened. And you have met some others since, but none could remove that, you come back to it. It's pretty complicated. Seems pretty simple to me.
Author oppath Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 That's the problem with failed relationships, it destabilizes and then one becomes dependent on replacing them to feel better again. It's true, you know it's true. So it's just a matter of time then.... I think to actually feel lovable, you need to almost all the way there on your own, but it really requires someone to actually love you and for you to trust that love. I am meeting women a lot recently. It is quite possible that if I meet someone who blows me away, this will fade, but in the meantime, I want to move forward and not think about it so much, though I suppose it's natural given the timing and I did go to a NYE party where some of her friends where, so I had to face the fears a little. I didn't react to dignified to the drama. I was rageful. The cycle of thoughts is ****ed up. I'm not lovable, or I'm not a good guy because she asked to be FWB? Well, she wouldn't have asked it unless she thought I was a really good guy. It does mean she valued me. She just didn't respect my feelings. That is on her. The fact that I know it is wrong to do that given the context only means I am a really great guy. It's as if I want an apology saying "I'm sorry, that was wrong. You are worth more." I'm worth more because I wouldn't ever ask that of a woman given the context. It's a new year. Time to move forward instead of in a cycle.
Nemo Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 The lesson is actually pretty simple: under no circumstances should a guy turn down a FWB. Keep your friends close, and your exes closer.
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 It's as if I want an apology saying "I'm sorry, that was wrong. You are worth more." I'm worth more because I wouldn't ever ask that of a woman given the context. It's a new year. Time to move forward instead of in a cycle. It's probably too late, but had you at the time said that to her? What you just said above? I once demanded an apology about something that was knocking around inside, because i felt I deserved it. The situation wasn't as big as yours was, by any means, but itmade me feel good that i did that, even though the apolgy was given half assed, I needed to make my point. Because I think you need to hear from her that that isn't/wasn't the case......but now it would be bad, she may think you are hung up on her and it's an overture to come back.
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Seems pretty simple to me. Nemo I picture you a a fuzzy pink elephant toy (miniature) typing at the keyboard and wandering off to guzzle water now and then. Am i right?
Author oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 It's probably too late, but had you at the time said that to her? What you just said above? Because I think you need to hear from her that that isn't/wasn't the case......but now it would be bad, she may think you are hung up on her and it's an overture to come back. Months ago, the month after this happened, I was practically begging her, telling her how sorry I was for saying mean things, how I felt used for sex, how I did suffer from depression, how we were going to run into each other through friends of friends (and we would have except I just walked away from things) and wanted to make amends, not as friends, but so we wouldn't fight. I heard nothing in response. I embarrassed myself. She is now a phobia, an honest to god phobia. That is the power she has. I'd have a panic attack if I ran into her. There will be no overtures. My healing needs to happen on my own. Honestly, if I had said yes to it, I'd bet I would have had closure, there would have been no drama, and while we wouldn't be friends, there would be no phobia. I'd be over it. But I think the biggest thing is to make my life awesome. If I make my life awesome, and stop making excuses, things will turn around.
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