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Don't Think I want to See Him again - how do i tell him?


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Posted (edited)

I met a guy in Vegas about a month ago. We really hit it off, but unfortunately we met just hours before I was catching a flight back to Canada. He is based in Europe. He made it clear he'd like to meet up again, and gave me his contact details. When I got home I emailed him and told him it had been nice meeting him. He emailed right back telling me he was sorry we hadn't had more time together, that he was going to be in Florida for Jan & Feb and was hoping we could meet up again then. Emails after that basically discussing the places we could meet.

 

But, from his emails I'm starting to pick up that me might have a bit of a drinking problem...I'm not a drinker myself and could never have a relationship with a heavy drinker. His last email really turned me off and I think he may have even been drunk when he sent it...it was titled "Happy Easter" and contained lines like this...

 

My brothers all depressed because

he has to pay a 6 figure divorce settlement, i never liked his wife,

she had untrustworthy eyes.

I am out with the boys tonight, we are going to paint the town red in

...., well thats the idea anyway. What are you up to? going

guzzelling as well? And if not why not?....

I will be back in Vegas at the end of Jan because my brother will be

there on businness. Maybe we could realy do Vegas again!!!

 

He also said other things that were nice, but overall I'm less than impressed. If we lived in the same town, I'd definitely have a date with him, but I really don't think I could be bothered meeting with him again in all the circumstances.

 

BTW, it was me who suggested we meet in Vegas again...my thinking was that if I didn't like him or vice versa after a few hours together, we could still go our separate ways & have fun in a place like Vegas.

 

So, am I being too hasty and could I be misunderstanding him through his emails and should I give him a chance, or...should I not reply at all, should I reply and tell him why I don't want to see him again, or reply and say I've got other stuff to do for Jan & Feb and won't have time.

 

BTW, he's almost 40 so using terms like "guzzling" etc are concerning! And, i don't drink at all..don't like the stuff and i find it really weird that at our ages I have a guy asking me why I'm not going guzzling?,....lol.

 

If I do reply, I will definitely throw in a comment about how I think it's a bit premature to be meeting his family (re his brother in Vegas!).

 

I should add that I got his last email on NYE and have not replied to it yet, as I don't know what to say...lol.

 

So, what do you all think??

 

Thanks

Edited by phoensam
Posted

What's more important to you: That you get this loser, er, I mean 'guy' out of your life permanently, or that this 'guy' thinks that you are "really nice"?

 

In reality, you owe him nothing at all. Not even a goodbye email.

But I know how hard it is IF it's a matter that you want to maintain a "nice" image...

Posted

Hon, as I recall, you have been pursuing and initiating contact with this guy since you met. I am more than sure if you stop contacting him, it will all just fade out into nothingness. Problem solved. :)

  • Author
Posted
What's more important to you: That you get this loser, er, I mean 'guy' out of your life permanently, or that this 'guy' thinks that you are "really nice"?

 

In reality, you owe him nothing at all. Not even a goodbye email.

But I know how hard it is IF it's a matter that you want to maintain a "nice" image...

 

I don't care about the nice image at all and agree I owe him nothing, and vice versa...lol. But I want to do the right thing and don't want to be too hasty.

 

The fact you referred to him as a loser though makes me think I am not misinterpreting his emails and you also think the lines in his emails make him sound like the loser/problem drinker I think he may be.

 

Are you thinking I shouldn't bother replying at all, or should I reply and say I'm busy for those 2 months (which I'm sure he will know is not the truth, but I don't care) or tell him I'm not interested in dating a drunken loser (though not quite in those terms...lol).

 

Thanks

Posted

I did not get the impression that he was introducing you to his brother, but going with his brother to see you. Maybe I misinterpreted you post.

 

Ask him if he would consider himself a drinker or a sociable drinker and ask how many drinks he has a day, week, month, etc.

 

If you like him then find out. However, if this is a way for you to destruct the relationship then respond with the email titled. "No interest, eom." And NC.

  • Author
Posted
Hon, as I recall, you have been pursuing and initiating contact with this guy since you met. I am more than sure if you stop contacting him, it will all just fade out into nothingness. Problem solved. :)

 

You don't recall correctly... In fact, I didn't reply to his last email for over 8 days, and this one has been sitting in my inbox since the 30th of December, unreplied to. In my last email to him, I basically wished him a Merry Xmas and ignored his repeated requests to meet up. He called me Xmas day and was really sweet and I have not emailed him, called him or anything since, which is probably rude, but oh well!

  • Author
Posted
I did not get the impression that he was introducing you to his brother, but going with his brother to see you. Maybe I misinterpreted you post.

 

Ask him if he would consider himself a drinker or a sociable drinker and ask how many drinks he has a day, week, month, etc.

 

If you like him then find out. However, if this is a way for you to destruct the relationship then respond with the email titled. "No interest, eom." And NC.

 

I completely agree about the brother...and I find it weird. I also find the comment about the brother's wife weird.

 

I don't think I have to ask how much he drinks...I think the word "guzzling" gives it away. And in earlier emails he made it clear he'd been drinking way too much at the xmas parties he had been going to. Isn't "I am busy for Jan & Feb" a nicer way to say "not interested"? Let him think that maybe it's true...lol. I don't think I've got a good reason to be rude to him, even though I don't want a relationship with him.

Posted

Hmmmmm, men will hang on to "I am busy for Jan & Feb" like an open door. So, he may not interpret it as "not interested."

 

I understand that you don't want to be rude. That's a nice quality. Then just speak frank that you find him nice but you see no deep connection to lengthen yours or his feelings for you.

  • Author
Posted
Hmmmmm, men will hang on to "I am busy for Jan & Feb" like an open door. So, he may not interpret it as "not interested."

 

I understand that you don't want to be rude. That's a nice quality. Then just speak frank that you find him nice but you see no deep connection to lengthen yours or his feelings for you.

 

I think you may be right. Do I tell him why I don't see it going anywhere, or do i just say that I don't see it going anywhere?? Should i reply now (I got his email on the 30 Dec.) or give it a few more days? In his email he tells me he's flying from Europe to Florida today.

 

Thanks again!

Posted
But I want to do the right thing and don't want to be too hasty.

The fact you referred to him as a loser though makes me think I am not misinterpreting his emails

For me, "doing the right thing" is also about one's self-image -- having manners, being gracious, NOT "rude", whatever words one might use.

 

I don't think you are misinterpreting his messages but much more important than my thoughts is that YOU are seeing/sensing red flags. I am inclined to suggest that you follow your own intuition, and if it's saying "this is turning into something I don't want to be involved with" then the best way to let it die with some dignity may be to just not bother to reply at all.

 

I wouldn't bother with the name-calling, and wouldn't feel the need to be honest, either. If you do choose to say anything at all, why not just, "Something's come up and I can't continue our email exchanges anymore"?

Posted

If you have only spoke with each other through emails thenim sure it wont be that hard to disconnect from him. Since NYE was the last time he emailed you, then let it be the last time and dont respond back. If he is persisitant and keeps emailing you and wants to know the deal, then just simply tell him

  • Author
Posted
For me, "doing the right thing" is also about one's self-image -- having manners, being gracious, NOT "rude", whatever words one might use.

 

I don't think you are misinterpreting his messages but much more important than my thoughts is that YOU are seeing/sensing red flags. I am inclined to suggest that you follow your own intuition, and if it's saying "this is turning into something I don't want to be involved with" then the best way to let it die with some dignity may be to just not bother to reply at all.

 

I wouldn't bother with the name-calling, and wouldn't feel the need to be honest, either. If you do choose to say anything at all, why not just, "Something's come up and I can't continue our email exchanges anymore"?

 

You are so right about me seeing the red flags. I've gotten really good at running real fast from guys that put those up so early!

 

I think you might be right about the not replying at all. If I do reply, I'm really not sure what I'd say anyhow, and I'm kind of finding him so distasteful that I feel I couldn't be bothered trying to find the right words.

 

I have decided I am not going to reply at all. If he contacts me again by email, I will probably ignore that too. Hopefully he won't phone, I only gave him my landline # and am moving in a couple weeks anyhow.

 

Another one bites the dust...lol. Hopefully he'll find a partner that likes to guzzle as much as he does...lol.

  • Author
Posted
If you have only spoke with each other through emails thenim sure it wont be that hard to disconnect from him. Since NYE was the last time he emailed you, then let it be the last time and dont respond back. If he is persisitant and keeps emailing you and wants to know the deal, then just simply tell him

 

Thanks for the advice. If he does contact me and I feel he really needs to know why i don't want to see him again, then I will politely tell him i thought he was a lot of fun to hang out with etc, but can't see it going farther than that. I never slept with him or anything like that, so no biggy I think. Hopefully I simply won't hear from him again.

Posted

Totally agree you should follow your gut feeling and end things, but quick question: is he flying to the states from Europe expressedly to see you? If so, I think you owe him an explanation. If not, it would definitely be a grey area for me,but I've been scolded before for admitting I didn't always end things 'neatly'.

  • Author
Posted
Totally agree you should follow your gut feeling and end things, but quick question: is he flying to the states from Europe expressedly to see you? If so, I think you owe him an explanation. If not, it would definitely be a grey area for me,but I've been scolded before for admitting I didn't always end things 'neatly'.

 

Not at all...he's there for work for those 2 months.

 

The more I think about it the more I am certain I think not responding at all is probably a good idea. I just cringe about the guzzling line every time I think about it!

 

If I hear from him again, then I will think about explaining it to him, but at this point don't think I have to. I hope that's not too mean, but it is what my instinct is telling me to do.

Posted

That sounds fine, phoensam. Just do that.

Posted

I'm of the mind that a short "sorry, not interested" is much more polite than total silence. I try to to follow the golden rule in situations like this: if I were that guy, would I rather have dead silence or a short txt saying thanks, but no thanks? For me, definitely the latter. When I was dating around, I made it a practice to be very clear with guys I went out with whether I was interested in pursuing a second date, third date, etc.

 

While he may be a 'guzzler' he's still a human being. It'd be nice to treat him as such.

Posted
The more I think about it the more I am certain I think not responding at all is probably a good idea.

 

If I hear from him again, then I will think about explaining it to him, but at this point don't think I have to. I hope that's not too mean, but it is what my instinct is telling me to do.

Sunshinegirl does make a good point about "doing unto others"...BUT...

 

But it seems to me (or maybe it's just MY gut instinct?) that the fear is that offering a short "not interested" can/will lead to a whole set of other much less-desired conversations.

 

Since you're not clear on what to say at this point, saying nothing is probably still what your Intuition feels is best. And, of course, if she (Intuition) offers you some wise words later, you can always use those at a time that feels appropriate ;) .

Posted

Hey phoensam, I'm a big believer in finality so if you're not going to proceed with this guy, give him some finality.

 

I would tell him, that while you had a great time, which you did, that you've rethought your position and decided that you'd like to leave things as status quo, in that you don't want to pursue anything further with him.

 

LDRs are not for people who aren't fully committed.

Posted

Don't worry about being nice and polite. He sounds like a weirdo.

  • Author
Posted
Don't worry about being nice and polite. He sounds like a weirdo.

 

LMAO...my thoughts exactly re the weirdo....i really can't start cringing by the way he chose to express himself...I really think he may have been drunk or well on his way when he crafted it! I really don't think he could have turned me off more by his emails if he tried!

 

I have already made up my mind I am definitely not replying. If he does contact me again, I will politely tell him he was lots of fun, but I could never have a relationship with a heavy drinker. It's been almost a week since I got his last email, so hopefully I will just not hear from him again.

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