trampompoline Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Hi all, I posted recently about checking my wife's email. I didn't need to for reasons I don't really need to go into right now. But now, 2 months after I found out about her A, I am in the middle of a very low point. I asked and got more details about the A. Also, I know from phone records that a few text messages have been passed between them in the past 2 months. She claims they were from/to our group of friends (which he is a part of) from another city, (i.e. not just intimate texts between them). I think I believe her, but have no proof. Anyway, I am pissed regardless, because I said NC, and I think that should almost even go without saying. It should be ABSOLUTELY NC. Add that to the new details I've found out and I decided to go stay in a hotel for a little while to figure things out. I think ultimately, we can probably get past the A, but right now I feel like it's still so fresh. Did you all need physical space after you found out? She doesn't seem to understand why I need this now, since we were doin better for several weeks (seeing MC).
gdog Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I just posted about "Feeling low" and mentioned it has been 2 months since I found out. We had about 5 weeks together at home to start sorting things out but were interrupted by visitors from out of town (pre-planned) staying with us. There was just not a lot of time for us to be together privately. Anyway, she has promised to be true, no more contact and she is very remorseful about her A. I've been back on the job 3 weeks now and am coping with things fairly well. Up till this evening, that is. Really in the dumps right now. I havent told anyone about this so cannot "talk it out" with friends. What I'm saying here is that I have my "physical space" whether I want it or not and I'd much rather be home with her so I can talk with her when I get these feelings.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 You need to talk your issues out with someone. Posting here is good, but it may not give you the guided support and listening that you need. Don't compartmentalize - talk it through with a good friend over a beer - you will feel tons better and grow a bond with said friend.
Confused9 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I think you need to tell her if she isn't willing to go NC with OM then you are leaving. there is NO reason she should have her cake and eat it too. If she wants to be with you she needs to be 100%. Not half hearted. It's just not fair to you. Also, I wouldn't believe anything she says...I really wouldn't. Right now...she needs to build your trust back up. She is a lying cheater, you need to look at it that way. Don't just believe her...make her work for you to believe her again. I know how hard it is and how much you want to be with her, but you need to make sure you are her first priority. Having NC with OM means you aren't!
Cobra_X30 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 But now, 2 months after I found out about her A, I am in the middle of a very low point. I asked and got more details about the A. Also, I know from phone records that a few text messages have been passed between them in the past 2 months. She claims they were from/to our group of friends (which he is a part of) from another city, (i.e. not just intimate texts between them). I think I believe her, but have no proof. Anyway, I am pissed regardless, because I said NC, and I think that should almost even go without saying. It should be ABSOLUTELY NC. Add that to the new details I've found out and I decided to go stay in a hotel for a little while to figure things out. That doesnt sound like NC to me. It sounds like she doesnt respect you, or fear losing you enough to cut contact completely. If you honestly think she is telling you the truth about the content of the txt messages... your not too bright. Listen... she may need to actually lose you before she starts to care... so the physical seperation... thats a good thing. Honestly, there is a good chance if you keep your contact with her low... you will begin to realize she isnt worth your time. Or you will realize how important she is to you... either way... I suggest emotional and physical distance. She needs to work to win you back!
heftysmurf Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Two months in the contact continues. We have been to MC. WW has made some steps but in some ways this hurts worse than the affair. If you check my monster thread they are right. We need some space either physical or emotional. We will continue to get all new pain till we do. As hard as this hurts we need to let go. Now if I could just take my own advice ....lol.
Confused9 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 it's hard to take your own advice, huh, hefty? I know for me I can give it but taking it...that's the worst. I think writing to others and helping them in their situations is helpful though. Perhaps that will help us heal.
smartgirl Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I understand the desire for distance, but in my own case I concluded that we had separated then we might not have been able to stay together. Our sex life was troubled during the entire year of the A. For the last 6months of the A there was none. It was partly that physical distance that caused him to start feeling closer to her and more distant from me. It is a little chicken and egg, but it doesn't change the dynamic that takes place. You feel close to someone you are having sex with. The relationship without sex starts to feel like something that is dying. Our MC said that keeping physical intimacy, whether we really felt the feelings yet or not, was important in coming back together again. I have to say that was true. I know it helped get me through the early months. A few months ago I was going through a very bad period and I started withdrawing from him physically. I didn't talk much, cuddle ot initiate any kind of touching like I ususally do. The less I touched him, the less I wanted to touch him. It is like the distance just bred the desire for more distance. I had been considering a separation but ultimately decided that would be the end of it for us. Once I crossed that bridge I'm not sure I would be able to swallow my pride enough to go back. That's my story. But maybe for you, time apart would allow you to see if you feel you would be better off with her or without her.
abeliever Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I think it is a good move to go somewhere else. For me it gave me clarity. I could calm down (well as much as one can during this) and it kept him wondering (he called every 3 min, I turned my phone off) but most importantly it showed her you won't take it and she is left with why you left to others. Why hide it from friends and family??? I did for a while then said hell with it and told everyone! I mean if he can do the dirt then he can answer for it?!! Right? (not the baby thing, but the A's everyone knows about) Yeah this sucks and you will go up and down on this rollercoaster ride. Remember one thing....YOU DID NOT DO THIS, TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!! This is her mess let her fix it do not try to help her at all. You have to sit back and watch not talk, listen to what she is saying and what she is NOT saying that should be said. I agree that the texting whether or not she was doing it in a group or not. It shows total lack of disrespect for YOUR feelings. Period. If she does not get that then my friend, she is still lying and most likely she is STILL hiding things you don't even know. Trust me on this one. Ask anyone in here, they will only tell you about what you discovered, anything else that you haven't they will keep it from you. I hate this for you, I have been there all though down the road from you I am still very much angry and depressed at times. It still makes no sense and I have figured it never will. I filed for a divorce and pending our home selling will be there for a while. My H had multiple A's because I refused when happening to move out at that time and have backbone. Now he is beggging for me to try again. Now I do not love him and want my M to end. How sad is that. Your situation is not as bad as mine but the potential is there if not nipped now. Then she will think if you stay she can get away with it again. Hope this helps. I know the hurt is soo bad but hang in there. Post here talk to friends that is how I got thru it. abeliever
JustBreathe Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Hey, you know why you feel like it's fresh? Because it is. You found some new and disturbing information. You believe she has had contact with her OM after D-day and after she promised you she wouldn't. She sent messages knowing her OM would see those messages after you told her you did not want her to have any contact whatsoever with him. What part of no contact did she not understand? I would feel as you do. Like the wound was fresh as ever and the whole mess had just happened all over again.
Author trampompoline Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Wow, I read through your posts and appreciate the encouragement and advice. I can't reply properly now, because I have some pressing work issues (god, work is tough to concentrate on..). But I think one of the main reasons I've left for a time is what one or more posters discussed.. She has to realize that I am willing to take the f__k off. I'm trying not to communicate much with her, and only via text, at least in the one day since I left. I wrote her an email, and in part of it said that I didn't plan for this to be a permanent separation, but then I decided not to send it. I don't need to make her feel better right now. I want her to be terrified that I'll leave, if she really loves me and wants this to work. I sent a quick email to the OM just saying to stop all communications with her. I would love to say more to him, but I don't think that will really help me. I wish I could either just love or just hate her. This 'in-between' is paralyzing me. I feel like if I leave, I'll be better in the short-term but miserable later in life and regret not giving us a chance. But to stay with her means getting over a wall that I can't even see the top of yet.
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