LadyDi Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I am trying to gain some insight into the MM's mind after the wife discovers the OW and he breaks it off/requests NC until things calm down. Is he in as much pain as the OW? Does he want to contact but knows it's not a good idea for awhile? Or is he so busy putting out the fires he started at home that the OW never enters his mind? Does he miss the texting/msgs/calls etc.? I am so curious about this! One day he's "in love" and thinks of nothing but her, then the next, all hell has broken lose and he can't contact her at all. What's going thru his head? Also, will seeing her again after a few weeks make him happy? Unhappy? Worried? Scared!? LOL
justice Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I can tell you what happened in my situation, my husband and his ow were busted by me and he proceeded to throw her to the sharks. No texting, no calls, no physical visits or anything. He never did re connect with her, but I couldn't trust him so I divorced him. He told me that he couldn't stand the sight of her because she encouraged him to break his vows to me. I say that's bs because it took both of them and I don't see how she twisted his arm with black mail after I found out.
imstunned Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I cant offer any isnight to what my ex mm was experiencing when NC happened - in fact I wish I knew - I can only tell you what happened in my situation. 8 month long affair during which I thought MM was single - I finally figured out he was married and then a week later the wife called me. The only times I have had contact from him since has been when I have contacted him and he pretty mush told me to leave him alone, not to mess things up for him more than he has already. This accumilated in 20 min phone convertation where he said sorry etc but that he loves his wife. It seems that my ex isnt the norm though. From what I can gather they go back to the OW - just that mine didnt.
syz Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I've talked to a lot of wayward spouses at this point and yes they go through withdrawls as well and depression. After about 3-6 months those withdrawls usually become far more manageable. Occasionally they will come back when the withdrawls become too much particularly because their home life is now more screwed up than ever and they want to feel good about themselves. of course that sets everything at home back to square one and they have to start all over. If they are going to leave their marriage for the AP it will usually happen in the first few months.. if it doesnt' happen by then the odds grow slimmer and slimmer. Arguably affairs can have love involved but often the MM's do love their wives and are trying to feed something inside of themselves that is missing. Frequently they have told me that after years have gone by that they resent the hell out of their affair partners and don't remember their affair fondly. Probably the same that many Ow's here feel after time has gone by and they have been thrown under the bus... of course this isn't always the case but it is often the case.
child_of_isis Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 A friend of mines H had an OW. As soon as my friend find out about her, she busted them both out. OW told her everything. For some reason, he ended up hating OW as soon as it happened. He went NC and hasn't looked back. I have heard of them pining. I have read about them being embarrassed about the whole thing. I have heard of them hating the OW. So, it probably depends on MM. And the only one who knows what he is truly thinking is himself.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Hmmmm..I am guessing maybe it depends on HOW the affair is discovered. If the OW just goes psycho because the MM won't leave the M and tells the W, then it's a no brainer that he will resent the OW. I don't see how any person man OR woman can be immersed in a long standing affair..considering that it didn't end messy..and NOT feel anythingwhen it ends. What kind of human being can do that? Even a cheater has emotions.... I think is also depends on who ends the A. I know when I told my MM that I didn;t want to pursue things anymore with him he contacted me at least twice a week saying how much he missed me and how sad he was. I was also sad...but it didn't change anything. That's what has kept me from going back. If his W knew about our EA...his reactions MAY have been much different.I don't know..and don't want to find out.
bentnotbroken Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I can say Mr. Messy Pants was shocked when her husband and I busted them. She was more pissed than shocked. At first he wanted to leave and be with her, but she was so angry that he kept all the evidence that hung them that she didn't want him anymore. She tried to convince her husband that it was all just a game that she was playing to get his attention. Since she is a serial cheater, he didn't buy it. And Mr. Messy is begging to come home(not). He told me that he would erase her from our home computer, that he would change cell phones, give me his passwords, write a letter of NC if I would just let him come home. Even though I don't think she would ever be a problem( she hates him at this point) and she is more interested in making me pay for busting her.
Mustang Sally Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Interestingly posed question. I would bet he is thinking, "Hmmm. It appears that 'the jig is up.'" Any speculation on our parts to derive what your MM might be thinking, is merely that - speculation. But likely he has gone into Salvage (or Survival?) Mode. Probably, you will have to wait to get your true answer to this question until you communicate with him next. Good luck. Don't forget to take care of yourself, hon.
feelingtorn Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 not sure if my experience could give you any insight since I initiated NC before I got busted. I do think of OM every day - what we did, what we talked about, etc. However, I do not miss 1> having to come up an excuse to go out on weekends to see him, 2> feeling guilty all the time, and 3> having doubt about H and my marriage. I really thought I would have serious W symptoms, but to my surprise, none so far. The first week was the toughest time, but afterwards, I am just glad that it's over and feeling relieved. I still have not told my H about what I did and don't think I will. I know some of you don't approve my decision, but I really think it's for the best.
bentnotbroken Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 How did you arrive at your decision, if you don't mind me asking? If you don't wish to answer, I understand.
feelingtorn Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I really don't want to steal the thread, so I will keep it short. All my life, I was flawless. Was a A student and never had to pay $$ for my education. Met a perfect husband and got myself promoted to the highest position at the age of 30. I honestly don't know what derailed me when I met OM. I just felt the instant attraction toward him. I can't explain the feeling logically because it still does not make any sense to me. Although I did say the L word to OM during the last few months of A, I felt the enormous guilt throughout the relationship and tried to search the answer for my abnormal behavior by reading LS, books, articles, etc. I tried to break it off three times, but to no avail. Each time, OM gave me a guilt trip and wouldn't let me go. We had our date in late Dec, and I just felt like I had to end it. I just couldn't start the new year while feeling like a cheater/loser/liar/bad wife. I ended it via email and did not answer his phone or email.
silktricks Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 My H wasn't discovered by me. He ended the A. He had no problem with the NC. I don't think he actively disliked the OW at the conclusion of the affair, but he certainly appears to hate her now.
White Flower Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Frequently they have told me that after years have gone by that they resent the hell out of their affair partners and don't remember their affair fondly. Probably the same that many Ow's here feel after time has gone by and they have been thrown under the bus... of course this isn't always the case but it is often the case. Out of curiosity, how many MM have you discussed the NC issue with?
PoshPrincess Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I think it would depend on the type of A, as well as how it was discovered. I would imagine if it was just PA the MM would be gutted that he wasn't getting his 'bit of fun' but possibly relieved at the same time. Unless he has a death wish then there would be no point in him continuing to stay in touch with the OW. However, if the A was an EA or EA/PA than I would imagine that more often than not they would struggle with not seeing the OW and not having contact. I expect there would be a long withdrawal period. I know when my exMM and I first did the whole NC thing he found it harder than I did. I'd love to know how he is feeling about it all now though, all this time later, as I saw him the other day and he was still thoroughly miserable!
OWoman Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 LadyDi why don't you check out MattyM's thread on the infidelity board? He goes through pretty much the full range, in a blow-by-blow account that sheds light on the conflicts and contradictions MM go through. Yes, he is just one guy, and perhaps not a very representative one, but reading his thread certainly does shed some light on it from a MM's perspective, rather than from what we others might say. I am trying to gain some insight into the MM's mind after the wife discovers the OW and he breaks it off/requests NC until things calm down. Is he in as much pain as the OW? Does he want to contact but knows it's not a good idea for awhile? Or is he so busy putting out the fires he started at home that the OW never enters his mind? Does he miss the texting/msgs/calls etc.? I am so curious about this! One day he's "in love" and thinks of nothing but her, then the next, all hell has broken lose and he can't contact her at all. What's going thru his head? Also, will seeing her again after a few weeks make him happy? Unhappy? Worried? Scared!? LOL
Author LadyDi Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I'll check his posts out, thanks. This was a PA which turned into an EA in the last 2 months. I would really really hate to think he hates me now, or when he see's me he feels resentment. That would be awful! Geez, he ended it when the wife discovered some texting. (He wasn't really good at be sneaky, apparently) I wasn't his first A either, he's had several over the years, just none that became emotional. We both went into it with eyes wide open, basic rule...neither one of us were looking to leave our spouses, etc. Never expected to fall for each other, but **** happens. I'm very anxious to see how he'll respond towards me when he gets back to work next week. I've honored the NC. I don't want things to be tense here at work. I can go back to being his friend, but not sure what he wants done now. Guess I'll just wait and see how he acts. I truely want him to be happy, so whatever his dicision is will be fine with me. The past week has been hell getting over the A though! Thanks for the insight you guys have posted!
syz Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Out of curiosity, how many MM have you discussed the NC issue with? It isn't like some huge number to be sure.. but I would say maybe 20 or so mostly MM but some MW as well. Many on some other forums and many in person. maybe 2/3 on forum and the rest in person. Basically most regret it. I have two examples in my personal life of affairs that worked out and turned into long term marriages. Happy marriages...well not exactly but one has to remember that the things that lead a man to cheat and handle his situation in such a manner regardless of the excuses about finances, children or the unstable wife are merely that excuses and are meant to hide his character flaws. People who value their integrity handle things up front. Period. So you get what you pay for so to speak in spite of the love. Many men are able to compartmentalize better than women. And when the affair comes to light and their actions are there for all including themselves to see a lot of them have a massive crisis. Many feel sick with their actions and feel resentment and guilt towards themselves and the person who committed the acts with them. IT isn't merely about the husband and wife focusing anger on the OW only. That is truly an over simplification of what is going on. For many there is the recognition that they were trying to fill something in themselves that was missing and the OW while a real person was rather like an emotional drug and part of a fantasy life that reflected back to him the person he wanted to be not the person he really was. Many hate and love their drug of choice. This operates differently in women although reasons for having affairs pretty much are text book. Usually the resentment and dislike didn't come for a while. Initially most thought it was love, then they felt stupid for their choices and the pain it has caused all involved and finally they get to a place where the affair partner is just a bad taste in their mouth. They don't have fond memories, when they do remember things they said or did they have triggered pretty bad and feel horribly ashamed. I'm not plugging away at this to make anyone feel bad. Certainly there are situations where this doesn't happen but it is not the norm. An unmarried OW hasn't been living a double life and often times the double life of the MM are both a lie. His whole R with the OW entails lies but at one time the marriage/ R with his wife contained the truth and probably the better part of him as a person. It is one reason it wins out more often than not even if she decides to divorce him. Love and lust are powerful pulls but ultimately the desire to be good and do good is a stronger pull and one resents that which pulled him away from those things in himself.
OWoman Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 His whole R with the OW entails lies but at one time the marriage/ R with his wife contained the truth and probably the better part of him as a person. It is one reason it wins out more often than not even if she decides to divorce him. Love and lust are powerful pulls but ultimately the desire to be good and do good is a stronger pull and one resents that which pulled him away from those things in himself. syz - in my MM's case it was the exact opposite. His R with his W was founded on lies - hers - and he was battered into a pulp of a person - certainly not his "better part". He managed to recover through IC and at that point their M went down the toilet, and he fell prey to my advances. We've been open and honest throughout - he's his old self with me, his family and friends are all thrilled that he's on track again, and he's pulled himself away from the negativity of his M by leaving it, and going to the "stronger pull" of the "good" which is his R with me. So... not all cases are the same.
syz Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I'm not plugging away at this to make anyone feel bad. Certainly there are situations where this doesn't happen but it is not the norm. I don't think I said all cases were the same quite the opposite if you read my above quote. There are always exceptions but most things follow the rule so I stand by what I said in any case. The OW winning out in the end even if she ends up with the guy isn't usually a win. It is sometimes but mostly it isn't what she hopes for in the long run. She sells herself short for someone who is capable of the kinds of things she would never want done to her. there is the recognition that they were trying to fill something in themselves that was missing and the OW while a real person was rather like an emotional drug and part of a fantasy life that reflected back to him the person he wanted to be not the person he really was. And I would say this is the psychology of most who find themselves capable of the cheating. I should know I was the lucky one who won one of these waywards the "right way".. waiting until there was a break up and then we got together (now I wonder if there was even an actual break up because we got together before she was out of the house but I trusted her version of the story btw she would have cheated with me if I had allowed it) however she cheated before on a previous spouse. And sure enough I was the recipient at a later date as she went for another Married person. It wasn't like she hadn't expressed true remorse for hurting her previous spouse etc.. and it had happened so long ago surely it wouldn't happen again, surely she learned her lesson.. I mean she even lost custody because of her previous choices. God I can't tell you how many people I know in these situations now. NO one really wins. I know of betrayed spouses who were left for the OW and continue to screw their husbands and the OW has no idea. But mostly I was trying to answer the poster who wanted to understand how there could be that kind of wholesale rejection at a later date. How the love he professed could turn to contempt. And what I said in the previous post is part of how.. it isn't that one didn't feel love with their affair partner but in the end they hate what their affair partner brought out in them the ability to be a liar and a deceiver and the fact that she in effect encouraged it combined with a large dose of self loathing. I'm watching it now as my ex gets thrown under the bus after waiting around for a year and a half. Her married affair partner now has turned on her, realizing there is no way a friendship or any contact can be possible and she is in despair. I loved my ex but I cannot help her.. I know she feels like killing herself. I tried for so long to get through to her and help her and now it is too late and I have moved on truly. Whatever chance at friendship we may have had is dead now as well. Trust me when I tell you that sometimes MM are a catch but mostly you don't want these guys even if you love them. It is true tho yours might be the exception.
OWoman Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I don't think I said all cases were the same quite the opposite if you read my above quote. There are always exceptions but most things follow the rule so I stand by what I said in any case. syz perhaps I wasn't quite clear - I wasn't claiming you said all cases were the same - I was taking the dynamic you said applied to the A vs the M, and showing that sometimes the same dynamic applies but the reverse way! I'd understood your saying that in some cases the dynamic DIDN'T apply - my point was that sometimes it does, but the other way round.
PoshPrincess Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 I'm very anxious to see how he'll respond towards me when he gets back to work next week. I've honored the NC. I don't want things to be tense here at work. I can go back to being his friend, but not sure what he wants done now. Guess I'll just wait and see how he acts. I truely want him to be happy, so whatever his dicision is will be fine with me. The past week has been hell getting over the A though! Lady Di, I am really pleased to hear that whatever his decision you will respect it. That must be very hard. Be wary of the 'friends' thing though because there is a fine line when being friends with an ex-Affair Partner, IME. That just takes you back to an EA. As hard as it is, try not to dwell on what he may be feeling for you now. Any contempt he may feel is for himself deep down even though he may appear to be directing it at you. Take care at work next week and keep us posted on how it goes!
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