Dontunderstand Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) My b/f and I have been going out for about 2 years.... We got into a big fight he told me he felt suffocated and smothered I'm trying to back off a little but now I feel so isolated from him. We only talking for short time last night and when and we hung-up, I felt incomplete. I HATE feeling like this! We see each other once a week due to him working in nyc and coming home late. I understand that and I learned to get through that, but now not talking to each other through out the day I feel like crap! I know he is upset, hurt, and angry and I understand. However, I’m starting to get those feelings towards him because we arent acting like ourselves. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should tell this to him either I feel like all we do is talking about bad things and I want just to have fun and get over this….. Please help!!! Edited January 3, 2008 by Dontunderstand
Ronni_W Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) First, I'd suggest to not talk to him about this -- figure out something lighthearted and fun that you can tell him about, instead. Go out and do something fun, and then tell him about it. If you want to have fun in your life then you must take the responsibility of creating that in your life. I do not get that it is in either of your best interests for you to start generating feelings of upset and anger...all he has done is let you know that he needs a g/f who is more independent. All that is, is great information that you can choose to use for your personal growth and development. Ask some inner questions: What is your need to have to talk "throughout the day" about? What can you do to become more independent, fun and interesting as a complete human being? What is missing within yourself that you feel incomplete? It is the biggest fallacy that we should expect/demand others to complete us -- they can only enhance our happy and pleasurable experiences, we must bring our own positive outlook and high self-esteem along if we ever hope to feel truly fulfilled. It doesn't have to be difficult to be self-expanding: Try writing a short story or some poetry, get some crayons and a colouring book, learn how to make origami...or sushi -- whatever you're interested in that will awaken a fresh part of you and bring in a bright, new perspective. Best of luck -- hopefully 2008 will bring lots of exciting adventures! Edited January 3, 2008 by Ronni_W
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 Ok so you asked me why I wanted to talk to my b/f through out the day. My reason is that when you are in a relationship you share your life with that person. Yes you have your own time and your own space however you do care about that person you want to know how their day is going. We have always done that and it’s the tiny things like a funny email from him and a silly voicemail that always got me through my day! I did call him at lunch and he just wasn’t himself talked to me a little but I had to ask him how was his day 3 times before he answered, then when he did he was like “Great! isn’t this Great not hearing from you” I know he is still upset with me and wants time to deal with it but I don’t know how much longer I can be treated like this its not fair. I love this man and I’m not getting any younger (I’m 27, he’s 30) and I don’t want to get into playing these baby games with each other. I don’t know what to do anymore…. What would you do if you where me???
Kamille Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Ok so you asked me why I wanted to talk to my b/f through out the day. My reason is that when you are in a relationship you share your life with that person. Yes you have your own time and your own space however you do care about that person you want to know how their day is going. We have always done that and it’s the tiny things like a funny email from him and a silly voicemail that always got me through my day! I did call him at lunch and he just wasn’t himself talked to me a little but I had to ask him how was his day 3 times before he answered, then when he did he was like “Great! isn’t this Great not hearing from you” I know he is still upset with me and wants time to deal with it but I don’t know how much longer I can be treated like this its not fair. I love this man and I’m not getting any younger (I’m 27, he’s 30) and I don’t want to get into playing these baby games with each other. I don’t know what to do anymore…. What would you do if you where me??? I think something is off here - especially considering his lunch comment. No wonder you feel lost and hurt, but if my bf made a comment like that, he would have to make it up to me. Meaning, it sure would discourage me from calling him or getting in touch with him until he did. I think if I were you I would ride it out for a few weeks and see if he comes around. What I mean it, how about, commit to letting him set the rhytm of the relationship for the next three weeks and keep busy otherwise. Let him send the first emails and make the calls. I know you need reassurance right now, but in a way, getting in touch with him and trying to work things out after what he told you is counter productive. I think that seeing that he does seek you out without you initiating the contact will make you feel better. I'm suggesting three weeks because I'm guessing this week will be an adjustment and he might take some time to clue in, realize he misses you and get in touch with you. In the end, what the two of you need to do is find a contact compromise, one in between the amount of contact he will initiate in the next few weeks and the daily contact that you like.
Jordane Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Ever considered that he might be cheating? Ok, I know this is a really pessimistic view but his sudden detachment seems like somewhat of an exit strategy for me. You only see him once a week to begin with...how is that suffocating? Also, are you calling him like every 5 minutes or like 3 times or so a day? There is a HUGE difference! I don't think your smothering him, I think he is being a jerk and you have a right to be angry. I would go with the plan to ask him out to dinner and discuss it then. Don't tell him you need to talk or anything that is going to put him in a sour mood before you even see him but you definitely need to talk ASAP!
phoensam Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Ever considered that he might be cheating? Ok, I know this is a really pessimistic view but his sudden detachment seems like somewhat of an exit strategy for me. You only see him once a week to begin with...how is that suffocating? Also, are you calling him like every 5 minutes or like 3 times or so a day? There is a HUGE difference! I don't think your smothering him, I think he is being a jerk and you have a right to be angry. I would go with the plan to ask him out to dinner and discuss it then. Don't tell him you need to talk or anything that is going to put him in a sour mood before you even see him but you definitely need to talk ASAP! I completely agree...I mean given you only see him once a week, he should be complaining about how he doesn't get to spend enough time with you, not that you are smothering him. Hmmm. I'd start moving on if I were you. Cancel the next "one day a week"...come up with an excuse. Take your power back!
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Thank for your help guys.... However last night I attempted to talk to him and it didnt go so well... He doesnt want me in his life I know what I did was wrong (went out to dinner with another man while he was away due to us fighting, when I was at dinner with his other man I knew I loved my b/f more then ever) but now all my b/f doesnt trust me anymore and doesnt want to be with me because of it I cant even go to work I'm so heartbroken!! HELP
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Honey, this boy is obviously way too jealous. I understand that he is upset and you should not have done that but to completely cut you off after two years because you went to DINNER, that is extreme. He's obviously not right for you. Just take this as a learning experience and find someone more secure with themselves who understands that relationships take work and running away from problems does not solve them.
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) Ok so you asked me why I wanted to talk to my b/f through out the day. My reason is that when you are in a relationship you share your life with that person. ... things like a funny email from him and a silly voicemail that always got me through my day! I did call him at lunch ... then when he did he was like “Great! isn’t this Great not hearing from you” ... its not fair. I get the part about a quick email or voicemail -- one difference is that you are coming across as DEMANDING it, as if you're entitled to it, instead of allowing him to be spontaneous about it. "Sharing a life" does NOT mean talking to each other throughout the day, except maybe when you're 12. That is simply not an age-appropriate, healthy belief. My b/f and I don't live together -- we can go days without contact and still not feel insecure and needy, and like the world is coming to an end. What's really not fair is that you aren't respecting his request for a bit more space when he's at work. His off-handed comment to you is because you're not listening when he asks you in a nicer way -- you are creating that attitude from him, yourself. Edited January 4, 2008 by Ronni_W
Jordane Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I get the part about a quick email or voicemail -- one difference is that you are coming across as DEMANDING it, as if you're entitled to it, instead of allowing him to be spontaneous about it. "Sharing a life" does NOT mean talking to each other throughout the day, except maybe when you're 12. That is simply not an age-appropriate, healthy belief. My b/f and I don't live together -- we can go days without contact and still not feel insecure and needy, and like the world is coming to an end. What's really not fair that you aren't respecting his request for a bit more space when he's at work. His off-handed comment to you is because you're not listening when he asks you in a nicer way -- you are creating that attitude from him, yourself. I disagree, completely. They had established this pattern in their relationship early on which means that this was what was comfortable to both of them. If they had originally been like you and your boyfriend it would be understandable but since it is sudden it is a much bigger issue.
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 "Sharing a life" does NOT mean talking to each other throughout the day, except maybe when you're 12. That is simply not an age-appropriate, healthy belief. My b/f and I don't live together -- we can go days without contact and still not feel insecure and needy, and like the world is coming to an end. My SO and I speak throughout the day. He usually calls me later on in the morning, when I'm at work, and I call him on my lunch break. We speak briefly and touch base. As stated above, we established this pattern early on in our relationship and have maintained this habit for over 2 years now. If I'm late coming home he always calls to check on me. If I am out and about he'll usually call once or twice to see where I am and who I'm hanging out with. Different strokes for different folks.
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 They had established this pattern in their relationship early on which means that this was what was comfortable to both of them. The point is that this pattern is CHANGING for the guy, and is no longer comfortable for him. It could be that someone at work has complained or made a comment, or that his workload has increased, or whatever. Needs, desires and goals CHANGE, and it is a necessary life skill to learn how to manage whatever changes arise, whether or not we have initiated the particular change. As well, tolerance levels change -- in the initial stages, the guy could have been 'comfortable' with OP's dependence on him but is now feeling more and more burdened by it. Where is OP's understanding and compassion for her b/f's problem with their "old" patterns?
LoveLace Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I say you should give him the space he's asking for, and later you two should talk about it in more detail, maturely and calmly. I agree that seeing each other once a week hardly means suffocation. Was he just finding a way to hurt you because you hurt him by having dinner with another guy? Either way, I think space would be good for you both. And sorry, but I don't think it'd hurt to consider ending the relationship...you are not happy and you clearly said you just want to have fun, so open your mind to seeking other guys who are more like what you want, what makes you happy. Your 27, I don't wanna hear this again "I'm not getting younger"....I'm 31 dear, not even close to finding a Mr. Right yet. If you stay with someone because of this mindset, you will regret that in the end. You don't want to find yourself miserable with this guy or any other guy in 20 years and realize you only stayed because you thought you were getting old. I myself do feel "old" and I"m getting very scared that my biological clock is going to run out before I get my chance. But I certainly don't regret any relationship that didn't last. They didn't last because they weren't supposed to, plain and simple. If this guy thinks you smother him now, just wait until ya had a kid with him. You'd be lucky if he was around at all. There is also a chance that he's picking a fight to try and get you to end it, so he doesn't have to. Guys really do that...it's happened to me. So yes you two really need to talk, really the sooner the better, so you can start moving on if that's the case.
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 My SO and I speak throughout the day. He usually calls me later on in the morning, when I'm at work, and I call him on my lunch break. We speak briefly and touch base. Now, to me, this all sounds healthy and mutual and *perfect* for the two of you I'm not suggesting to change what is working for both ... in fact, then FOR SURE keep on doing it! But it seems unreasonable and selfish to demand adherence to a pattern when that pattern stops working for one -- this situation needs a creative compromise, which basically means stop whining and feeling victimized and like it's "unfair", see the other's perspective and start brainstorming something new that'll once again work for both.
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thank you All for your help!! I guess I'll fill ya in.....We talked on the phone for awhile on Friday night, and on Sat night....I thought that I was making some progress however I was wrong....sunday when we spoke he was a total monster towards me (maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the bed; I have no idea) So I told him that I was going to go over one of my friends friends apt to watch the football games.. . He was ok and he told me he would speak with me after the games...... So I went over my friends friends apt (its the town over from my b/f house) and I gave him a buzz after the games he didnt get back to me right away then I get this text that says "Where are you? I'm drunk" So I text him back and tell him I'm at my friends house asking him if he wants me to get him. He wrote me back that his phone is dying and that he didnt drive. I felt that something was off....he's not that type of guy to get drunk on a sunday watching football so on my way home from my friends house I drove past his house only to see that his car was gone....as I was driving I saw his car come down the street....so I stopped and called him out on it!! We ended up talking for awhile and when he gave me a hug he said he smelled cologne I guess when I was sitting on the coach with some of my guy friends it wore off of something....he was so p*ssed at me...and turned it all around on me..... Now he told me he doesnt want to speak with me and we have an agreement to speak on Sunday night...... I dont know what to do or think at this point....I love this man....and I know that I lost him already.... What would you guys do at this point......
Jordane Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I have an idea...wake up! He obviously does not want to be with you and he's finding all kinds of reasons to blame it on you so you don't feel guilty. Give him what he wants and dump him, you are not going to get anywhere with this.
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I have an idea...wake up! He obviously does not want to be with you and he's finding all kinds of reasons to blame it on you so you don't feel guilty. Give him what he wants and dump him, you are not going to get anywhere with this. I dont know why I cant let go....We have an agreement to speak on Sunday so I'm not going to bother with him til then...its so hard....I wish I could just pick up the phone and say hi....I miss him more then words can say and it s*cks! I just dont understand how he can toss everything away over something so dumb....
Jordane Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Honey, didn't I just answer this for you? He is picking fights and looking for an excuse to dump you? Why are you degrading yourself by clinging to someone who isn't interested in you anymore?
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I guess I cant face that its over....I still think he cares!! I know I messed up! I'm not perfect! I should have never went!! Why must I always learn things the hard way!!
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Yes..it wasnt even dinner it was a drink (i didnt even finish it) and an appetizer at the bar.... Now my b/f or ex whatever tells me he cant trust me because I had intentions.... To tell you the truth I had NO intentions I dont even know why I went...I think I did it because my friends talked me into it and I had nothing else better to do....I know I should of told him when it happened not 5 months after the fact but once again my friends told me not to even bother.... I messed up....he deserves much better than me....
Jordane Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If a guy breaks up with you because you had half a drink with a guy he's got some serious issues and YOU deserve better.
oppath Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Yes..it wasnt even dinner it was a drink (i didnt even finish it) and an appetizer at the bar.... Now my b/f or ex whatever tells me he cant trust me because I had intentions.... To tell you the truth I had NO intentions I dont even know why I went...I think I did it because my friends talked me into it and I had nothing else better to do....I know I should of told him when it happened not 5 months after the fact but once again my friends told me not to even bother.... I messed up....he deserves much better than me.... Ok, I do think this guy is being a jerkoff, but at the same time, it sounds like you did mess up and haven't worked through the reasons why. So, you went on a date with another man, and your friends talked you into it, and your ex found out about it, so now he doesn't trust you and when you are with friends he sometimes get suspicious. I think that is FAIR of him because you have not revealed why you went on that date and how you made it up to your boyfriend. It sounds like you and him have a big issue there you have never resolved. And now, he is treating you poorly, more poorly than you deserve. Stop blaming yourself for how he is treating you now; identify why you acted as you did months prior; tackle that issue with him first; then, ask him why he is treating you this way. If you have no resolution, dump him, as you do not deserve this drama and no, he doesn't not deserve much better than you. It takes 2 people for a breakup, and you both have culpability, so take responsibility for your part in this mess. Own it. And then don't let him treat you poorly anymore. You aren't suffocating him, you rarely see him.
oppath Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If a guy breaks up with you because you had half a drink with a guy he's got some serious issues and YOU deserve better. It depends who the guy was and the context. If it was some guy she randomly met out at a club, that is an offense worthy of a breakup. If it were a guy friend from her softball team, who knew she was in a relationship, it's a different story.
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Its not that...its the point that I didnt tell him now he feels like he cant trust me because I kept it from him...I can see his point somewhat. He's hurt I know it... I just dont see how pushing me away is going to make things better...I guess I'll find out sunday when we talk...(i hope the giants win so he is at least in a good mood)
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