Reason for divorce? I changed my mind!

[Nomad1]

Hello all. You will remember some of my threads about ongoing separation / divorce. Wife said four months ago that she wanted to end the marriage. We have been together 17 years, 3 kids. The last 4 months have been hell. In my attempts to reason with her I became irrational, said awful things to her and made her feel guilty. We are still living in the same house. I am going to see the solicitors today to initiate the divorce. We drafted an agreement yesterday and we couldn't come up with a reason for divorce other than unreasonable behaviour. I suspect an EA (because he is in jail and she has visited him weekly for several months, coinciding with the change in her), but she maintains it is just friendship. When we finally agreed everything, eg finance, the arrangement for the kids, the sale of the house, we signed and I said to her. 'look it is very sad that it came to this, I know that you haven't been yourself in recent months, I understand and respect your choice to live a different life, but I forgive you'. She said 'there is nothing to forgive me about, why? because of the affair? I am not having an affair'. I said 'well, for a start we are selling our house, breaking up our family, surely that is a huge change'. She replied 'yes, if you want to forgive me for changing my mind'. So that is it, she changed her mind! It sounds so childish and immature. It is unfortunate that we have children together. NC is not an option. I will maintain LC of course. Amazing how people change! But I feel OK now and I am looking forward to a life free from stress. I am dating other women, but so far only as friends. I know that she will keep butting into my life for as long as the children are around, but I'll be civil and responsible. She thinks that the grass is greener but will soon realise that she had it so good. She is already complaining about how she needs to start leading a frugal life. She also said that she is looking forward to an independent life. She wants me to share the custody so that she can have free time to go out etc. The poor kids are caught in the middle. Anyway, just wanted to share all this with you.

 

Nomad1

[ElvenPriestess]

Wow Nomad, that's a hard thing to hear. "Changed my mind." That just seems like such a cop out. But then I don't know her. And you're right, the kids are stuck in the middle, they are the ones suffering the most. I thought things were pretty civil for the past few months though? I take it things just kind of broke apart here pretty recently? I really hope she learns to let you live your own life when it's all over and realize that your children are the only reason for any contact at all. Best of luck today with the solicitor!

[Nomad1]

Things have fluctuated in the past few weeks. I think that Christmas and the New Year were difficult times. Things have been cool between us in recent days though. It is just the formality of divorce that brings up stuff I would normally rather not talk about. We are friendly, joke and help each other with stuff. We do care about each other having lived together for so long. I guess the kids will benefit from a good relationship between us as co-parents.

 

Cheers

 

Nomad1

[Ronni_W]

So that is it, she changed her mind! It sounds so childish and immature.

When I was deciding to end my own marriage, I just didn't have the words to say what was going on in my heart. I guess they call that a (lack of) "emotions vocabulary".

 

When I look back at it, what I DID say was so freakin' lame and barely scratched the surface of my feelings ... I ultimately did go back and "upgrade" the aforementioned vocabulary -- and tried to do a better job of explaining to my ex.

 

PS: A resource that really helped me find my "words" is the 'basic needs' at marriagebuilders.com -- maybe it'll help you and/or your wife in some way. (I think it would have at least helped me to be able to explain my "inner stuff" better, and not leave him so confused.)