TotalChaos Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) I met "Tim" about 2.5 years ago and we have become the best of friends. I can relate to him in a way that I haven't been able to relate to anyone else in life. We talk on the phone on a regular basis, sometimes for hours. I don't see him often as he lives in another state and travels for a living. Many of our friends and family believe that we are more than just friends and it's simply not the case. Why is it so hard to believe that a man and woman can be friends without a sexual relationship? The truth is, we have never touched each other, not even a hug. On a couple occassions, I have gone to visit him and he's been a perfect gentleman. We've stayed the night together and I honestly believe that we are the only two people in the world that could spend the night together in our circumstances and not have sex. We talk very openly about sex and I'm sure it has crossed both of our minds to what it would be like if we did, but we just don't go there. Neither of us wants our friendship to become "weird" or "uncomfortable". We rely on each other way to much for this to happen. Having said that, our conversations always lead to sex and we always talk about the next time we might see each other for a few minutes. It seems like it should just be easy. He's a great guy, cool as heck and my best friend. Why is it so difficult to be "just friends"? Edited January 3, 2008 by TotalChaos sentences did not apply to this.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Hm, I find it interesting that your conversations always lead to sex. I'd say that on his end and maybe yours, there is obvious sexual tension. Even though he's a gentleman, you can sleep next to him and nothing happens, he IS still a guy. (Please don't be offended men) But the fact is that I have a lot of male friends and they will flat out be honest about these things, and I know if I ask one of them, they'd probably say "Best friends? Sleeping in the same room? Is she really good looking? The guy is having sexual frustration." Now this natural chemistry makes it difficult in SOME cases for there to be just friendships. There was another post on this topic where a post had mentioned it's how the friendship is in general. If you hang out in groups, it's easier. If you're one on one, and sleeping in the same bed? Honestly, it makes it harder. Especially if he is single. (And if he wasn't, would he really be doing all these things?) So just look at these things from an outside perspective. For a guy/girl relationship to be just friends, certain situations can't happen. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, but the situations you put each other in would be hard not to act on, and also would be a good guess as to why people think you're "more than friends."
Author TotalChaos Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 Thank you ElvenPriestess for your input. Helps to put things into perspective. I do understand why it is hard for many people to believe that we are just friends. And you are right, there is alot of sexual tension there. He is single, but I've been involved in a relationship for 7 years. This relationship doesn't involve marriage and it's pretty much more like a friends/roomate situation. Crazy I know! Things with "Tim" are starting to get a little confusing due to this tension. We both know the reasons why we can't become sexually active or really shouldn't. I'm not willing to risk losing my best friend and he's not either. Of course, we are human and I'm sure he has thought about it as much as I have. We have not actually slept in the same bed, but in the same room. I don't see him in person that often. It had been almost a year and then I saw him 3 times within a matter of two weeks. One of wich was a sleepover, the other two were for a couple hours. All 3 times could have been sleepovers, but I chose to drive the distance and come back home. I'm just not sure what to do with this friendship.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I think the thing you have to ask yourself is this. Do I want to just be friends? Am I content this way? Or do I have other feelings for him? Of course if feelings naturally have developed then they need to be addressed. Does no good to bottle it up;-) I understand what your 7 year relationship is like. I am living with my H but we are more like room mates too, IF even that. Do you want to date this guy? Or are you scared that it not working means the friendship ends? It doesn't have to. When sex becomes involved it of course would be more difficult to go back to friends. But let's say you guys just date, go out, see how things progress. If that isn't your guys's cup of tea, then you can say "We really do make better friends." I had that experience once, where we just didn't work out as anything more, and we turned into amazing friends. We even told each other about other people we'd met, and there was no jealousy, hurt feelings, or otherwise. I would suggest figuring out within yourself how you feel about him, then perhaps have a talk with him on where you both stand. Otherwise it could go from tense to awkward. And I'm sure neither of you wants that.
blackbird Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 "Why is being "JUST FRIENDS" so difficult?" Because we're built to try to procreate. It's part of life force itself. Go forth and multiply. Our sex drives are a huge part of our fundamental makeup. Pretending that our various constructs ("oh we're just friends", "oh, I'm in a relationship, I could never be attracted to anyone else", etc) can somehow magically obviate attraction generally doesn't lead to good things.
Trimmer Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 He is single, but I've been involved in a relationship for 7 years. This relationship doesn't involve marriage and it's pretty much more like a friends/roomate situation. Crazy I know! Does your current relationship partner know about Tim? Openly? Is there anything about your relationship with Tim that you hide from your current partner because he/she "wouldn't understand?" Can you tell us more about the current relationship? You kind of toss it off as if it's not that big a deal, but you do call it a relationship, and it's been going for 7 years... There must be something there, or no? Things with "Tim" are starting to get a little confusing due to this tension. We both know the reasons why we can't become sexually active or really shouldn't. Well, at least you are aware and honest about the existence of the tension. I was wondering if you were going to claim that it was such a special friendship (which it may be, don't get me wrong; I'm not throwing rocks here...) that you had both transcended sexual feelings... At least this sounds a little more realistic now than what I had in my mind. I'm just not sure what to do with this friendship. My thoughts depend largely on my earlier question, about whether the relationship with Tim is out in the open from the perspective of your current partner. Anyway, my other question is, if your current relationship were not part of the picture, do you think your feelings and intentions regarding Tim would be a little (or a lot) more clear? In other words, is the current relationship the main brake on taking it further, or do you think you would have this same conundrum with Tim, even if you were not in a relationship at this time?
Author TotalChaos Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thank you blackbird and trimmer for your thoughts on this matter. It's much appreciated! My current boyfriend, Seth know's about Tim. They haven't met in person, but he knows that I talk to him often and that I have met him for supper when he comes through the area. As for things Seth wouldn't understand, well I doubt he would understand how we talk as often as we do and what we could possibly talk about for so long. Guess I should give some background on my current relationship before I go any further. Seth and I started dating about 7 years ago. He really is a wonderful man and loves me with all of his heart. All he ever wanted out of life was to get married and have a family of his own. Marriage is something that I never wanted in life, but would love to have a baby. As for relationships, I don't believe that there is "forever". Not anymore. Back to my point...Seth is a wonderful provider and perfect husband material. We share a beautiful home that we just moved into a few months back. Most people say that we are married without the paperwork! Don't get me wrong, I do love Seth, but I'm not in love with him. I love him so that I would give my life for his, but I don't have any intentions on getting married. Sounds deep I know! The problem is this. There's no sex life and hasnt been in years. We've been together maybe once in the last year. Before we got together I was a very sexual person and in the beginning of this relationship it was great. I don't see this as a problem that is going to be fixed anytime soon. We really can't be together due to his health condition that has gotten way out of control over the years. When we are together, it's more work than pleasure. He usually has an orgasm in like 5 min or less and I end up masturbating to get mine. I really would love for things to work between us, but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I always strive for more in life and he's just content. I guess we have just grown apart over the years. I know I'm not the same person I was back then by any means. That's not really a bad thing, but it feels like we are roomates sharing a huge house. I have moved out on him in the past a couple times and felt terrible. Somehow, someway I always end up back with him. I just wish that I could be happy. Most women would love to have what I have with Seth. As far as Tim goes, we definately have a connection. We are so much a like in many ways. We talk about everything! I'm prolly becoming drawn to him sexually, because I'm not getting it at home. Tim and I are just so comfortable together. Of course I have wondered what it would be like to be with him and I know he has thought the same although we don't talk about it. In fact, that is the only thing we dont talk about. Tim is in a different situation. He has been married and divorced and has a beautiful daughter. He hasn't had a long term relationship in almost a decade. He thinks the world of me, but keeps his feelings bottled up inside in fear of getting hurt again. When I take a step back and look at the situation I would guess that he sees me as a potential "perfect life long" partner. I won't go into details about that now, because this is going to be really long as it is. If you would like more details just ask and I will be happy to fill you in. Tim has been opening up more with me as far as past hurts and not putting his heart out there. A part of me wants to hold him in my arms and show him what a good relationship can be. This of course, will never happen because we don't even hug each other. It's the most unique friendship ever! I have pondered over this many times and have come to the conclusion that I just can't hug him, because I may not let go. I would bet money that he feels the same way. Afterall, I have no problem hugging anyone else in life, just him. I don't really know what I want out of all of this. I have wondered many times where Tim and I would be if I wasn't with Seth. I think that we would be together all the time, but I'm not so sure that we would have slept together. It's really great to have a male friend that is just a friend if you know what I mean. I know Tim doesn't quite understand my situation with Seth and he doesn't ask many questions either. I do believe that he would be more open with me if I was not living with him and was single. I'm really confused in all of this wich I'm sure is obvious, but for right now I wish that I could have the perfect "friends with benefits" situation with Tim and nothing more. I don't want to hurt Seth and if we go our separate ways, I don't want in another relationship for a very long time. Having said that, I don't want to hurt Tim either. Afterall, my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't talk to him. The bottom line is...no matter what I don't want to hurt the friendship. I've heard people say that if you let sexual tension go long enough it will turn into resentment (is that spelled right?) So, should I just bring it all out into the open with Tim and then let it go. I figure if we both aknowledge it, maybe it will be easier to move forward. Any thoughts on this idea? I'm going to wrap this up as it is way too long. Just trying to answer all of your questions. If you want to know anything else, just ask and I will try not to make the answer so long. Thank you for you advice.
Author TotalChaos Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 (edited) In addition to the above...do you believe that I should tell Seth that I'm starting to have some feelings for my friend, or would it be better to keep my mouth shut? I also meant to add that although I believe Tim is the coolest guy in the world, I'm not so sure he's the type of guy I would want to settle down with, but you never know...it could be true happiness. Edited January 7, 2008 by TotalChaos thread was a repeat so I deleted and added info.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 In addition to the above...do you believe that I should tell Seth that I'm starting to have some feelings for my friend, or would it be better to keep my mouth shut? I also meant to add that although I believe Tim is the coolest guy in the world, I'm not so sure he's the type of guy I would want to settle down with, but you never know...it could be true happiness. What is it YOU want out of this? What do you think would make you happy right now? And if you don't think some one is the type for you to settle down with ask yourself if you want some one like that right now, or do you just want to date and have a good time? It's wise to say something if you aren't afraid of the outcome either way. Just be sure you're truly ready to do so.
Author TotalChaos Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 I'm not really sure what I want and that is the problem. A part of me is really content and happy with my life. There is another side of me that wants to get out and live life. I'm not that old and I've already had one 7 yr relationship and one 5 yr relationship. Seems like my entire life has been a relationship. I've always put others before myself and a part of me is tired of that. I've always been a "good girl" and a part of me is proud of that, but I feel like I've missed out on alot of things, some of wich I'm better off for missing out on. That's alot of my attraction to Tim is that he lives life on the edge and I think that's hot! Seth is totally settled down, but he lived his wild side out when he was younger. I care about Seth enough that I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have and I don't want to do anything to mess my friendship up with Tim. I keep telling myself I will just let things ride out and see what happens, but the tension isn't getting any less.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 It sounds like you're being more honest to yourself. Now you have to be honest with your current b/f. I would say if you don't want to hurt him anymore the best thing is to be up front. You don't really even have to mention any feelings for your friend. You can try explaining that you've always been tied down and haven't had time for yourself. That you feel you need that, and wouldn't wish to hurt him by acting as if you're completely happy with the situation.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I had a friend like your Tim. Just like you, we connected on many levels - and also like you, we often would share a bed comfortably without sex coming into the picture. We were so close for many years - I was attached and he was single. Then, he got a serious girlfriend and all of that changed. We went from friends to acquaintances in the blink of an eye. No more long talks, no more sleepovers, no more hanging out, nada. Just chit chat if we happened to see each other. His choice, I might add. It broke my heart - not that he found the love that he deserved in his life (I truly was and am happy for him), but it was the realization that for all of those years I was some sort of non-sexual emotional surrogate for him. A placeholder until the real deal came along - not truly a friend at all. I used to wonder if he ever felt more for me, and was just afraid to say so - that sort of unspoken thing was there between us for so many years, but when it came right down to it I think he was just getting a platonic emotional fix until he found someone with whom he could have that and more. Ironically, he found her at the time I was not attached. He knew I was free, and after all that we shared it wasn't me he wanted after all. Just what I could provide him from a safe emotional distance. Protect your heart, just sayin'. I wish I did.
Author TotalChaos Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thank you so much for that post! I have often wondered what would happen if he became serious with someone. Now of course, he claims that we will always be best friends no matter what, but you never know about these things. Maybe I should just put my feelings out there to Tim? Tell him that I don't expect anything, but I had to get it off my chest. I believe things are going to get "weird" anyway if one of us doesn't fess up, so I guess it wouldnt hurt to be honest. What do you think? I will have to wait until I see him again in person and who knows when that will be. This isnt something that I want to handle over the phone. Wish me luck please. I'm sure I will need it!
Trialbyfire Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Totalchaos, are you aware that you're not really friends? If there's a lot of sexual tension where the two of you are discussing sex, this is called an emotional affair. Emotional affairs drain from primary relationships, no matter how hard you try to separate the two. Put some distance between your "friend" and yourself for a long time and see if your primary relationship improves. Otherwise, leave Seth and shoot for your "friend". You aren't being fair to either one of them.
Author TotalChaos Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thanks for the reply Trialbyfire. I do not feel like I'm having an emotional affair. We do talk about sexual things alot, but we don't talk about sexual things with each other. The sexual tension is something that has only been going on for a couple months if that. We have been friends over two years. Things have not gone downhill with Seth over the period of the friendship. They haven't improved, but they haven't gotten worse either. I do agree that I'm being unfair to Seth, but I don't think I've been unfair to Tim at this point. If there comes a time when any lines are crossed then that would be unfair to Tim, but I don't see that happening. Not anytime soon. Does anyone else believe that this is an emotional affair? Just curious.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Does anyone else believe that this is an emotional affair? Just curious. I would classify an emotional affair as having feelings for a third party, not taking it too far yet while together but still showing back and forth tension and resistance is needed to the temptation. The things you've described between you and Tim could well be classified as this, an emotional affair. I think TBF has a very good point with that. And it isn't fair to the person you're with if that is the case, of course. Now that being said, what do you think? How do you feel about the idea it's an emotional affair?
Whyme_wtf Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I know this is a difficult thing for you. In all honesty you are somewhat happy but not really because you dont have what you really want. You have a foot in two seperate boats. You are playing it safe. You are not doing justice to either of these men who currently both love you. You need to listen to your heart. Find true happiness and true intimacy. The only way to do that is to be with only one of them. Give yourself fully to the man you love and that you feel loves you back. If you wait too long, you will end up with both boats drifting away and you falling, with nothing. What do you really want out of life? Who do you want to be near and with at the end of your life or through eternity? IMO, try to disconnect from the "friend" (and he is far from that). Your heart will know what is right and what it needs. But mostly, just be honest with yourself and everyone around you.
Author TotalChaos Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thank you Whyme. Sounds like you have me figured out. It's been said now more than once that I need to separate myself from my "friend". Problem is, I don't have a clue how to do so. I've tried this a couple times in the past when I felt like maybe I was getting a little too close to him emotionally and it seemed to work fine for a short time. This was before all the sexual tension started. I talked to him almost every day, sometimes more than once. I don't doubt that I need some space, but not talking to him would feel like cutting off my right arm. Not only would it be extremely hard for me it would be hard for him. I think he would take it harder than myself to be quite honest. How should I go about this? Do I explain to him what's going on and tell him that i need some space or should I just take my space and tell him nothing? Seems funny to me, because it sounds like we are in a full blown relationship. Why am I becoming so attached to someone that I've never touched? You also stated that he's far from a friend and I'm curious to what you mean by that exactly? Your right, this is really hard for me. I'm normally not naive about anything, but I feel almost stupid when it comes to this situation. What in heck is he? If he just wanted in my pants, wouldnt he have made a move by now? I'm assuming that is what you meant by your comment. I'm very curious to hear some more advice from you. I
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I think what whyme is saying here, correct me if I'm wrong, is that a friend doesn't look at you and act towards you the way he does. A true friend is Just a friend, no deeper feelings, no testing the near waters of closeness and then here we are with sexual frustration. Being with some one, he needs to respect that you are. The vibe I feel going on between you two is just NOT platonic. And to be with one person while you have such a strong desire for some one else (and I'm not just speaking sexually) isn't fair to you or your guy. You mention how near impossible it is for you to stop talking with your friend. How would you feel if you had to stop talking to your guy? I'm NOT saying to leave him. I'm trying to help you gain a sense of where you stand inside your heart. Picture leaving your guy because you know you have strong feelings for some one else, and don't want to hurt him. How does this make you feel? Now picture staying with him, and stopping the friendship because you have guilt about associating with a friend where there's mutual strong feelings. How does this make you feel as well? If you can answer these questions, honestly to yourself, I think it will help you to answer what you should do with this situation.
patterns Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I guess when I read these posts I am questioning your current relationship. It doesn't appear to meet your needs and I wonder how much of this you have shared with Seth. The need to fill the gap with a close male friend with whom you have spoken of sexual tension makes me seriously question your motives for continuing with it and the very high value you put on it. It's interesting that someone else spoke of a similar "platonic" relationship and the feelings of being let down. The thing is, whilst you can ask "what might happen if...." and their answer will be honest and true for the moment. But things and people change, and he may well change further down the line. Ask yourself what do you want now? Are you getting what you need from your relationship or not, and if not can you see yourself either resolving that "tension" (for wont of a better word) or improving the relationship? And if so, will this additional interest still remain throughout, regardless? (Which I don't suppose can be a question answered easily)... and what if you did break up with Seth, what would become of your relationship with Tim?
mental_traveller Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I had a friend like your Tim. Just like you, we connected on many levels - and also like you, we often would share a bed comfortably without sex coming into the picture. We were so close for many years - I was attached and he was single. Then, he got a serious girlfriend and all of that changed. We went from friends to acquaintances in the blink of an eye. No more long talks, no more sleepovers, no more hanging out, nada. Just chit chat if we happened to see each other. His choice, I might add. It broke my heart - not that he found the love that he deserved in his life (I truly was and am happy for him), but it was the realization that for all of those years I was some sort of non-sexual emotional surrogate for him. A placeholder until the real deal came along - not truly a friend at all. QUOTE] I'm not sure that's true. The fact is, if you are in a relationship, you can't really have a very close opposite-sex friend - definitely not to the point of sleeping "platonically" in bed with them - without it quite reasonably causing the other women/man to freak out. Seriously, would you be cool with a bf/husband who had a female best friend and he went round and stayed in bed with her, slept over, hung out all the time? He probably distanced himself from you out of respect for his gf, nothing to do with how he felt about you as a friend.
Recommended Posts