BrianG Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) This site has helped me so much in the past few months of my break-up. I needed your guys help and suggestions. I am the one mostly to blame for her breaking up with me (lost my temper during arguments, never hit just yelled sometimes, lied a few times). I was an immature fool at the time and I will always regret my actions for losing her (5 yr. relationship, lived together for 6 months, 3 months broken up). Even though I love her so very much I screwed up and I have to learn to accept that and the consequences of my actions. As much as I want to get her back she has made it clear to me that she does not want to be with me and does not see a future together with me and I can blame her for my previous actions. Since the break-up I have done so many positive things with my life (counseling, cognitive behavioural therapy) and just doing the right thing all around. I asked to meet up with her for coffee or something and she is still angry at me 2 months later and I dont have a choice but to eventually move on I guess. I am having a very difficult time letting go and moving on because I have been riddled with the guilt of being the one to blame for losing the love of my life. I know I am a good person and I know I have made plenty of mistakes time and time again, but I did do a lot of good things but I can only seem to focus on the things that caused the break up. Does anyone have any opinions, suggestions, etc. on how to rid myself of this guilt that continues to plague me on a daily basis. Any help would be greatly appreciated because it has been tearing me apart. Edited January 3, 2008 by BrianG
JustinWolf Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 It's okay to feel sorrowful or just plain sad after a breakup. I've been through that, in fact, sometimes I feel mighty strong ^_^ and sometimes not so . But you gotta keep in your mind that life goes on and you'll eventually find someone else and be happy. Learn from your mistakes and continue living life, after all, our experiences of life make us who we are today. So you can let your mind decide or you can decide for yourself are you the mighty strong person or the sad one? On top of all of that, you have been doing positive things to help you. I'm sure it's still kinda paying off. You can also put your mind to work on other stuff. So, here I am, wishing you all the luck and strenght you need to be strong!
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 You probably hear this a lot but volunteer work can be good, and just make sure it's a category you feel strongly about too . There are more volunteer programs than I can list from environmental to people oriented.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Brian, guilt is not a functional emotion but remorse is. Guilt is all about self and self-flagellation. What you need to do is to turn it into remorse and let her know this. Most people try to reconnect by either apologizing or pleading on one hand, and then justifying their actions with the other hand. If you want her to listen, perhaps a simple apology might work instead. "I'm sorry for the pain I caused you and I wish you real happiness, for the future." This signifies that you are truly remorseful, take full ownership for your actions and that you're not trying to intrude into her life. It also leaves you wide open to get lashed out at. Scary stuff, huh? Hopefully she will understand, assimilate and forgive in time. Regardless, it leaves the ball in her court, so you're no longer cycling in your guilt.
Author BrianG Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 Brian, guilt is not a functional emotion but remorse is. Guilt is all about self and self-flagellation. What you need to do is to turn it into remorse and let her know this. Most people try to reconnect by either apologizing or pleading on one hand, and then justifying their actions with the other hand. If you want her to listen, perhaps a simple apology might work instead. "I'm sorry for the pain I caused you and I wish you real happiness, for the future." This signifies that you are truly remorseful, take full ownership for your actions and that you're not trying to intrude into her life. It also leaves you wide open to get lashed out at. Scary stuff, huh? Trial, I already sincerely apologized to her and yes I got lashed out at and it was pretty scary and hurt me really bad, which I deserved. The only thing is that she is gone because of my actions. I spent 5 years of my life with her I miss her and love her so much and I'm the one to blame for most of it. She is everything I would want in a significant other and still trying to figure out why I screwed it up. For 2 months now, everyday I wake up and my first thoughts are of her and wondering if she is thinking about me, but after I sincerely apologized and she tore me a new one and she is still angry at me 2 months later. I guess i tried to do everything I could do to let her know what I was deeply sorry for hurting her and I hope one day that I can find someone like her or better yet her, but probably not. I guess I just have to learn to live with it. I know that I could never be "just friends" so it sucks that she is gone forever. Still grieving and its going to take a lot more time.
so_sad Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Brian, Like you I lost a 5 yr. relationship about 3 months ago. So I know how you're feeling. Like you, I felt tremendous guilt and terrible feelings that this was all my fault and that I could have prevented it somehow, and those thoughts have probably been the most torturous part of the past 3 months. However, it seems like many dumpees experience these "if only I'd done things differently!" feelings. When I examine things honestly (and with the help of a therapist) I can see that I was not to blame for everything, and I'm willing to guess you weren't either. I don't know you or your relationship, but I know that it takes two people to create the patterns that make or break a couple. I doubt that your ex is perfect (and if she gave you a lashing after you apologized sincerely, then you know she has the capacity to be mean, to yell, too). Over the course of a 5 year relationship, chances are that you both made mistakes, got angry, etc...It seems impossible that she was an all-around saint and you were the one to blame for everything. I know that in my case my ex fed into my feelings of guilt. To this day he blames my "insecurity" for ruining our relationship, and for a long time I believed him. When therapist pointed out that my insecurity was warranted because of his actions (flirting, constantly befriending new women), I began to see that I was not solely to blame for our problems. My point is that the way your ex deals with you now (ie blaming you and being angry with you) is probably feeding into your feelings of guilt. Maybe NC will help. Really, I know how terrible this feels, but you must try to maintain a realistic perspective on things. Neither one of you was perfect and you probably both made mistakes in the relationship. You are doing everything you can now to learn from your mistakes and improve yourself. I think the key is to 1) acknowledge that you aren't to blame for everything. 2) When you are in a relatively postive frame of mind, you can recognize what you sincerely see as mistakes that you made, and try to figure out why you did the things you did. Then, 3) work on changing the things that you really want to change, and valuing the parts of you that you know are great and loveable. And...I'm going to try to take my own advice on this one.
Author BrianG Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 So Sad, thanks so much for your advice. What you said means a lot. Still trying to put things in a positive frame of mind and I guess that will take a while since I am still grieving. You know as well as I that it can be very difficult after a 5 yr. relationship because I can tell from your words. I have been doing a lot of positive things in my life and it makes me feel better about myself and I am doing a lot of things I never thought I would do like counseling and therapy,volunteer work and self help books. Still trying to figure out why I did those things though because I am trying to get to the root of them so they never/ever happen again, but have not figured out the answers yet. It takes the break up for me to realize how strong my feelings are for her and how much of an idiot I was back then for treating her like that. She is/was a very important person in my life and I am very sad to see her go, and as much as I hate to say this because I dont believe it in but maybe we both deserve better or were incompatible. Who knows, I will never get a chance for her to see the person I am becoming and that makes me sad, but at least I can be proud of myself. Still miss her so, so much and would love the opportunity to make things right with her because she is the one I wronged, but I just have to accept that shes gone and use these newly learned skills to make my next relationship better I guess whenever I am ready for that. Still wish it could be her though what can I say I will always love the girl, but I know we could never be just friends.
EhiPassiko Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Dear Brian, This sounds very painful and I am sad that you are going through it in this manner. The truth is that while you now recognize that there were some things that weren't very "Brian" of you, you could not have possibly realized those things had this not occurred. I believe that every lesson you learn is put in front of you when you are ready to learn it. Not before, and not after the fact, but just when your mind is ready for evolution. You are not to blame for your actions because you were not FULLY aware of them yet. I suspect that through therapy and more selfless volunteer work, you will find out who you truly are because of this seemingly tragic catalyst in your life. Being told that you behave a certain way (as I assumed went on for at least the last 6 months when you lived with her) and trying to fix those flaws sometimes leads to impermanent changes, but not full fledged eye openers. They are just temporary fixes. And as you have already pointed out, getting to the root of it is part of the journey to full awareness of one's actions. Stop guilting yourself over this (I know its easier sad than done, believe you me). Focus now as much as you can every single day on how to make a better life for you. Take the present moment and make it a chance for enlightenment. Wake up every morning and take it one step at a time. Recognize that you are alive and ready to make the best of YOUR day. It just takes practice. What I'm getting at here is, focus on BRIAN! He is on a very important journey through self discovery. You should be grateful for this opportunity that has come from this situation because now you truly can seek introspection and I suspect, will become more attuned to who YOU ARE and will therefore be that much more loving, kind, and understanding of those that come before you. Be with Brian! Blessings to you, my friend! Namaste
Author BrianG Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Its just going to take time to heal my wounds. I wish there was something I could do to make it up to her but she does not want me in her life anymore and I just have to accept it. My dad always says is "Do the right things and the right things happen to you" I just have to continue doing the right thing and hopefully the right things will happen to me. I just miss her so much and I have learned my lesson. I think I am the one putting myself through this because I feel like I deserve this guilt and and regret for hurting someone I love. I guess were all human and we all make mistakes. I told her I was deeply sorry and I loved her so I guess there is not much more i can do, but continue to move on with my life without her. Sucks because I wanted her to be my wife, I just wasn't mature enough at the time.
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