carolinaboy Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Hello LS friends, Basically my ex who cheated/dumped me and I got together two weeks ago after I had NC for 5 mos. She had asked me to meet her, I said yes, we talked, got tipsy, made out and then I tried to go to sleep with her (I'm not even sure if it was sex I was after....I think I just wanted to know I could still sleep/cuddle in the same bed w. her, as lame as that may sound). She shut me down, then didnt return my email the next day. The reason she asked to meet was b/c her mom was asking for my contact info and was saying how she missed me and wanted to talk with me. My ex must've caught her mom's bug, cos she sent me an email and then I get the whole asking to meet thing. Well, I forgot about those embarrassing events, but whaddyaknow? It's Xmas/New Years Eve....and we spent the last 2 years together w/ family during these times. Her brother's back in town and he wants to see me. So my ex calls me last night from her moms phone, I accidentally do the weird thing where I hangup as soon as I can realize its her so maybe she thinks my phone is being weird. I WANT to call and talk to her bro and mom. I WANT them in my life. I WANT my ex to want me back. I'm pretty sure I don't NEED any of that. I have been thinking of them over the holidays and I am debating on whether or not to call them. My ex's brother died right after I started dating her 3 years ago and her mom lived with us off and on during her initial recovery period. Same w/ the brother. I do love them, but I could only talk to them before so long I would start thinking more about my ex and trying to get back into the familiar ways. Thoughts?
THE THRONE Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I'm pretty sure I don't NEED any of that. If you are pretty sure you don't need any of that why make the thread? You can remain a glutton for punishment or you can man up and move on with your life...
D-Lish Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I suspect you started the thread to put some of your own thoughts down in writing- which is often cathartic and helpful to put things into perspective. After my divorce- my brother in law and both sister in law's wished to remain in contact. We had been close during the 8 years I knew them... and I thought I could handle the contact. What I found was that it just wasn't healthy for me. By remaining entangled with them, I remained attached to my ex. I would get updates, opinions on our break up, and that persistent feeling of sadness that things would never be the same when we hung out. I don't know if that insight helps. I had to pull away from them after a time. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting some closure and wishing them well~ that might help you put an end to the chapter as well.
Author carolinaboy Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 but I still don't know exactly what to do. the whole "what I want and what I know I don't need" statements are me trying to say that I know my ex just wants to be friends w/o romantic sentiment. so I don't need that cos I'll be hurt most likely. I still miss those mutual people, friends and family that are indirectly related to my life with my ex. it was hard enough to cut her off after our breakup....i just dont want to get into the business of alienation after every relationship falters. I just havent had to deal with the brother and mother of an ex expressing the desire to see me and keep contact after an ex and I break up.....usually they take sides. I am confused as to how to handle this. I have a lot of love for those people and in my heart of hearts I'm looking forward to the day when I can look at my ex and have a conversation w/o thinking of the past or sexual/romantic feelings. Some people on here say it never comes. I wonder if it comes when you just talk to them and look forward. The whole "healing" process seems to be a recommended thing of solitude for most people here. My ex def. screwed me over, but I can't tell if I'm being walked all over by her or childish to give my regards to her fam. Full Disclosure: This was my first multi year relationship. A lot of firsts. First living together. First consistent sexual partner. First real heartbreak. So I can understand if it seems like I'm naive or a doormat. It's been hard for me to let go and vicinity/friendships/scene dont make it easier.
THE THRONE Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 but I still don't know exactly what to do. the whole "what I want and what I know I don't need" statements are me trying to say that I know my ex just wants to be friends w/o romantic sentiment. so I don't need that cos I'll be hurt most likely. I still miss those mutual people, friends and family that are indirectly related to my life with my ex. it was hard enough to cut her off after our breakup....i just dont want to get into the business of alienation after every relationship falters. I just havent had to deal with the brother and mother of an ex expressing the desire to see me and keep contact after an ex and I break up.....usually they take sides. I am confused as to how to handle this. I have a lot of love for those people and in my heart of hearts I'm looking forward to the day when I can look at my ex and have a conversation w/o thinking of the past or sexual/romantic feelings. Some people on here say it never comes. I wonder if it comes when you just talk to them and look forward. The whole "healing" process seems to be a recommended thing of solitude for most people here. My ex def. screwed me over, but I can't tell if I'm being walked all over by her or childish to give my regards to her fam. Full Disclosure: This was my first multi year relationship. A lot of firsts. First living together. First consistent sexual partner. First real heartbreak. So I can understand if it seems like I'm naive or a doormat. It's been hard for me to let go and vicinity/friendships/scene dont make it easier. You can remain a glutton for punishment or you can man up and move on with your life... You can't continue a relationship with those people because you still have feelings for your ex. The more you have contact with her or her family the longer it will take for the wounds to heel. You did just fine with your life BEFORE you met her and her family correct?
LakesideDream Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Ex's often want to keep the Dumpee as a "back up" someone safe they can fall back on if the current person they are chasing doesen't work out. Don't get your hopes up though, they only want the "back up" for as long as it takes to repeat the process of looking forward to searching for something better. Your situation is somewhat unusual in that your ex has powerful allies (whether they know it or not) in her Mother and Brother. My suggestion, be polite and let the Mom and Bro know that you are putting their son/brother in your rear view mirror. Let them know you will get in touch with them when the time is right for you... (meaning when and if).
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 If it hurts you and stops your healing process, distance yourself from your exes family with the understanding that it has nothing to do with them, as individuals. I chose to keep contact with my ex-MIL because she and I became very good friends during the course of my marriage. If you choose to do this, you need to draw a hard boundary about how much you're willing to discuss the ex and any possibility of reunion. They need to keep things separate, or you can't remain in touch. In essence, you need to compartmentalize them but as well, they also need to compartmentalize you, as separate from the ex.
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