Heartbroke after heard the truth

[zerolove]

My ex broke up with me 1.5 mths ago and gave some some BS reasons. I was frustrated and thought she would come back if I would be able to show her better of me. I made a clay sculpture of her for her birthday out of my heart and some other things... She had the lunch with me before x'mas and said she would prefer we both stay alone and no touch for until she is back from Mexico during the holidays and clear our minds out. I trust she will be back with some little hope. Everyday for me is like a struggle in a hell. No mood for work, no mood for hanging out with friends.... Until today I heard from his cloest friend that she actually wasn't with me since all beginning or precisely she was playing a three person game. I was shocked with the truth. She was with her ex all the time even during our relationship. She had some problems with her ex just when I had a crush on her a year ago. Now I totally understood why she was so pushy into marriage while at our early relationship, she was trying to take advantage of me to get her out of mess.. Luckily I didn't do so. I was totally into her and didn't even realized she was cheating on me... I know I need to move on quickly. Just wanna to dump my emotional garbage...

 

Thanks!

[Lee725]

Dont believe everything you hear.

Whether it is the truth or not, you can almost guarentee any information which has been passed through another person then to you has been changed in some way.

Sorry to say it but... It sounds more like you were a rebound than anything.

 

How long were you with her and how long was she broken up with the ex before you got together?

 

I know exactly how the rebound thing feels, as i am just over a week out of a short term relationship which was very intense at the start, but realistically all i was to him was a rebound.

 

I too believe at this point that he has gone back to his ex, but all the while i do not believe everything i hear.

 

I hope you do move on quickly and heal from this, good luck.

[zerolove]

I am sure she was passionate all about me in the beginning. But that's no healthy to me if I would have heard that she just inadvertly broke up with her ex just a few weeks before . I would not even choose her as my gf because I know both of us would be on the wrong boat heading to the wrong direction if she was not cool down for a new start. Apparently by that time, her ex wasn't even divorced yet and the whole mess had made her to find a victim...unfortunately that's me... Sad...Was I like a "Man Whore?" Damn...

 

I have been cool for the last 1.5 mths. The trust is a sudden blow today. however I think it really boost my determination to move on quickly on the bright side.

 

I have been reading lots of the post here, and sharing the same pain with the posters here and taking precious suggestions here and there. Today is my time to share my side of story.

[Lee725]

Zerolove, i can relate to some of your story here, the guy i just broke up with was in a 10yr relationship before me, i was told when i met him (by someone else - not him) that he had been broken up for months, in was actually 2 weeks.

The day after we met he was moving out of the "family home" (he has a 2.5 yr old son too).

 

He was passionate about me to, very much so that i got scared and asked if he was ready, he said yes..... I can relate there.

he convinced me that he was over her, even tho inside me i asked the question "how can he be over a 10yr relationship so quickly?", i ignored my own answer - He cant.

He needed a victim too... me.

 

We all need to share our stories Zerolove, it helps, please write untill your heart is content.

Trust is everything in a relationship no matter how long or short it is and if now you feel that you never had it with her you are right, it will give you a chance to move on quickly.

The fact that my EX lied & manipulated me (also that it was only a short time), has helped me move on quickly too.

[zerolove]

Thanks Lee725. I feel much better when sharing the pain with you. I know I am no where close to be mentally strong yet. Last night was the first night I tossed and turned... It's full of hatred and self destructive feeling. When I got up, I am just back in normal. I told myself be cool and go gym work hard today probably it will ease myself a bit. Otherwise I dont know how crazy I would have been. Thank god I am still cool.

[Lee725]

Hi Zerolove, If you are anything like me you will toss & turn alot, luckily i have been able to fall asleep easily, but i wake up during the night & then wake up early & cant go back to sleep.

 

It does come in waves it is weird, sometimes you feel ok, other times you want to break things.

It is hard to say what works to get rid of the emtions in one person to the next, for me it is really simple things like writing it down, but the gym seems like it may be a good outlet for you.

 

I have had a pretty crappy day today, i am wondering what he was thinking that made him believe he had the right to use me, most of all i am upset because he told me all the right things to make me believe that he would be around for a long time and would be committed to me.

 

the day before yesterday he started sending a few txt messages, he is looking for forgiveness and to ease his guilt. You know the ones that say "i am sorry i hurt you, i am ashamed, i really do care about you", Bull S**t, if he cared about me he would still be here. He would not have lied to me while i was with him, and he would not have had so much non-relevant contact with his ex while i was with him.

He cares for no-one but himself.

 

We both feel used up and betrayed Zerolove, and it sucks, today is especially hard because i know his EX does not work today and he is on work holidays, they are probably together playing happy families.

 

I was there for him when he needed me, i held him when he cried, i helped him to understand that he was a good person and i provided him with as much support as i could. Where is this A**hole now when i need someone to lean on?

No doubt having a nice family play date.... AAARrrrggggg

 

Sorry, my mind is doing silly stuff today.

[pigeonsid]

Hi- reading this thread has made me wonder if my ex was also just using me as a rebound. He actually left his ex-girlfriend for me, but he jumped into the relationship with me immediately and was crazy-intense. I was so devastated when he left me - reading about your stories and wondering if maybe I was the one who was completely mislead has made me feel better, even though it's sad to be doubting whether he ever loved me at all.

 

You sound like you're thinking very clearly about things Zerolove, and that's good. It took me a while to just snap out of wanting my ex back, and to start moving on. But all the things people say on this board are true - if you do NC, you start thinking more clearly about the situation and once you are determined to move on, you really do start to.

 

As for rebounding - I have to say it works! I'm currently rebounding on someone else who has also just broken up. No, it's not healthy in a way - we are definitely rebounding on each other - but we're doing it in a very easy, non-committed, just friendly way. Basically it's about seeing that you can be with someone else - seeing that other people do find you attractive - seeing that you have a life after the ex. But I think what definitely works in this situation is that we're both in the same position, so we're working with no expectations. I think it's terrible if you rebound onto someone who is looking for a real relationship, because then they get hurt. (As you guys have found out.) I suppose what I'm saying is - move on! Go date, go out and look. You don't know what you might find. My rebound guy is in many ways much better than my ex, and just meeting him has been a really positive thing which is helping me break out of my old thinking patterns.

 

Sorry to overtake the thread - good luck to you both.

[Lee725]

Hi Pigeonsid, what do you mean overtaking the thread? it is here for everyone! LOL..

 

I would say that there is a good chance that you were a rebound too, especially since he never grieved for his ex, he went straight from her to you.

 

Be careful babe, you dont want to get attached to this new guy if you know he is a rebound! - they have a way of sneaking up on you ... LOL

[zerolove]

I agree with Lee725, rebound is not a simple game as it appears. It may keep yourself addict to playing the game and fell apart eventually. But there are still chances that you may find a perfect match, good luck,pigeonsid. Just be extremely careful of the backfire.

 

Lee725, I felt so sorry to hear you that you were suffering a hard day. I know what it feels like when you woke up in the mid of night and can not go back to sleep, minds were spinning illogically on him/her for whatever stupid reasons. I guess that's called overanalysis- I heard this term somewhere from this forum- It's like a doping that you can't resist once it's in your blood.

 

I have to admit that gym thing works for a short while, but the most beneficial is from writing down here by sharing the pain. I clearly know where I am heading now. At one time when I work out, my mind seemed just tune onto the right track of thinking that ease me a bit. I said to myself " Everyone deserves the right to find his/her best, I am not the best for her obviously, her ex is... there is no point for me to waste my time on her who just is not willing to share a bit of life with me any more. I gotta go find my own best...". I felt great until last night, I guess the wave comes back and still doing the stupid overanalysis thing...

 

The problem is I have to meet her and her ex tomorrow at the skiclub where we both attend the courses. I just dont know if I should shy away or just be cool and brave, Any thought?

[pigeonsid]

Hi zerolove-

 

I agree, the best thing is actually just communicating with other people. Being on this forum has been great - seeing that the pain we are experiencing is not unique to us, and that other people are in the same situation. It's also been great seeing that other people get through similar situations, and to know that it will just take time - we are going to be ok.

 

I say - be brave, but don't make any effort with her. Don't completely ignore her - just say hi and then leave it at that, don't make any efforts to talk to her, etc. I have to say with my rebound, I thought that it was just going to be a one-night stand (and it was something I really needed - just to have that memory so that when I finally return home and have to face my ex, I will know that things have changed, that I have options and dont' have to go back to him) but what happened was I ended up seeing the rebound the next night. I think he was also feeling awkward about it all, but I just walked up to him, kissed him on the cheek and said hi, then walked away and had lots of fun without him. Three days later he texted me and has been texting me all week, and I think it's the confidence which hooks people. When they see that you don't need them, then it's safe for them to want you.

 

Thanks for your concern about me as well, but I think I chose the right guy to rebound with. He's really scared right now - freaks out all the time about even meeting up. It's good because I know it's not serious - this is just what it is, I have no expectations He doesn't put me in a position to develop expectations. We're both on holiday right now but actually live in the same city so I've told him we don't have to meet up until next month, when we're back in our home city, and we'll take it from there.

 

I don't think that this guy is the answer to my problems, and I don't think he can take away the pain of my breakup, but it has been really good to just be with someone else. Especially to find someone else and go - actually, this person may be more suited to me than my ex was... actually, there are people out there who I could be with, who might make me happier than my ex did.

 

When my ex left, I really felt as though my life had ended, that I had no future without him. And that is why I think it's important to go out there and meet people, because no one is worth it. There are other people out there. I think that when we're in a relationship, we just want it to work so much that we don't value ourselves enough. Just meeting someone else has made me realize that it's ok to still be looking - if my relationship ended, there were probably really good reasons for that. And that I should place a higher value on myself. My rebound guy is amazing - very hot, very smart, going to be very successful. It's sad that I needed him to be attracted to me to see that I am actually an attractive person, but I'm really glad that I met him, regardless of whether this eventuates into something real or not. And that is also the difference now - I'm asking myself - is this the right guy for me? Is he what I want in a boyfriend, can he give me what I want in a relationship? Whereas in my last one I was asking myself - what does he want in a girl? What can I give him to make him happy?

 

Sorry... I feel that I am just writing too much on this forum! But it does help to get it out. And I feel that this forum has helped me so much in reassessing what I should expect from a relationship. It's really scary to see how much I lost of myself in my previous relationship, and really - a month ago I was willing to take my ex back no matter what. I was willing to change whatever he wanted me to change in order to hang onto him. I'm now really glad that he just walked away, because it was the best thing for me. I wasn't happy with him - I would have been really unhappy with a lifetime of him. And that is the best thing to realize - that your relationship ended for a reason, that it isn't your fault, and that you are a wonderful person by yourself and you deserve more.

[Lee725]

I guess that's called overanalysis- I heard this term somewhere from this forum- It's like a doping that you can't resist once it's in your blood.

 

Hi Zerolove, You are so right it is like dope, your brain starts and then tick, tick, tick, - sometimes i come out the other end of it with scenarios which could not possibly be true! - my brain is my own worst enemy.

 

Writing things down is a blessing for me, if i am not on here, i am on my offline-jouranl, if not on there i am scratching in my book journal.

I come out with some of the most ridiculos stuff you can imagine (in the off-line one and the paper one), but no-one ever sees it, so i dont care.

What ever fills my head comes out as it is.

 

Sometimes, especially down the when i am down the beach i observe people (not in the creepy way), but i look at the way they interact with each other, i guess to compare myself, i do this more often when i feel like there is something wrong with me and i dont understand why i can not be loved like the people around me are.

 

You have come up with a great saying there.

It is not unsimilar to the things i try to say to myself too, but if you are anything like me believing them whole-heartedly is another thing.

 

Yep, the waves will keep traveling my friend.

It is like watching the "sets", come in at the beach, one big wave, followed by another big wave, followed by one slightly smaller, then a period of relative calm, then it all starts again.

 

The problem is I have to meet her and her ex tomorrow at the skiclub where we both attend the courses. I just dont know if I should shy away or just be cool and brave, Any thought?

 

This is going to be a very trying night for you, my guess is that you will have the over whelming urge to try to talk to her all night.

I dont reccomend it.

Take a deep breath when you see her and hold it, count to five.

 

My vote would be to ignore her and play completely cool, she needs to realize that you do not need her to fill your life, you have other things than her. She needs to understand you are a man unto yourself and having her hanging off you does not "complete" you.

 

If you feel that you must respond do it as she does, if she waves then wave, if she doesnt then dont. If she says hi, then say it back.

Please try to avoid talking with her, it will only feed your mind with more food for over-analyzing.

 

You will see her another time, lets say at another class or on the street, therefore it is really important not to do or say anything that you will regret or cant retract, this is like making a first impression all over again, except it is the first impression of how you cope without her.

 

You owe this girl nothing, she has hurt you.

Look at her not with eyes of love, but eyes of knowing. You know what she has done, you know the pain she has caused you.

Most of all you know that you are a good man who deserves so much better than than the way she treated you.

I look forward to reading how you go.

Edited January 4, 2008 by Lee725

[Lee725]

Hi Pigeonsid, I know what you are saying about the one night thing and then going to face the EX, it does give you a sense of empowerment and you can look at them knowing that they are not the last person in the world who will find you attractive.

 

It can be a very uplifting feeling in what is normally a bad situation.

 

Confiedence is a good, thing, a friend of mine has "Stare off's", with people.

Most people look away when someone makes eye contact with them and they dont know them, she stares at them till they look away.

I have heard direct eye contact makes people more attractive in some way, i guess that may be why even total strangers find her attractive (she is very pretty already tho).

 

Good call on when you get home.

See how it goes and i really hope that together you are able to ease each others pain. Many years ago a friend i made helped me through a break up, he was suffering unrequited love & was not looking for anything - i guess you would call us FWB's together. It worked really well, but in the end we had to stop hanging out becuase everyone who saw us thought we were "together", therefore we never really had any chance of meeting other people.

 

If this guy is as great as he sounds, maybe in a couple of months when you get home the two of you might just "hook up", YYYaaayyyy (after the dust has settled for both of you).

 

I am so very please for you that you are asking the right questions of yourself.

I wish that i was that strong now, i am still sitting here wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

 

Congrats, on meeting someone (rebound relationship or not) who has made you value yourself the way you are now. It is very uplifting and encouraging for me to hear that, mind you tho i would never ever want to be a rebound to anyone or have anyone else do it to me. After what i have just been through it just hurts and i know it does not do me any good (what is good for me tho is not right for everyone else).

 

My relationship with him was pretty short, there are snipets of my story about the place here, but he convinced me he was ready for me despite my suggestions and talks with him in regards to him not being ready for me.

His words made me feel very connected to him, much more than i had to anyone in a long time, therefore it has hurt me more than it should have.

Thank god it didnt go longer than it did, otherwise i would be absolutely crushed.

I am getting much better now and rightfully so because as i said it was short.

 

Honey write as much as you like, go for it, we are all annonymous here and people can choose to read it or not, they are not being forced to read it.

 

I write HEAPS, mostly in replies to people, sometimes they are long winded, like this one, but hey, no-one has told me to shut up yet & if they did i would say "bite your butt". LOL.

I write a lot because i care about people - even strangers - there is the greatest comfort of all in knowing i am not the only one who feels things like i do, that i have i guess "soul" friends, who feel pain, fear, love & rejection with the same intensity that i feel and i want them to know i am thinking about what i am responding to and writing, i am not just throwing in a one liner and moving on, (even tho sometimes there is a call for that!)

 

You are right there again pigeonsid, relationships do end for a reason, and sometimes no matter how much it hurts it is for the best.

 

Keep us posted about your journey!

Edited January 5, 2008 by Lee725

[pigeonsid]

Zerolove - I have to say I disagree with Lee. If you wait for her to say hi first, you are actually putting yourself in the weaker position because you're reacting off her. If you say hi first, you show that you are in charge- that she is not affecting you so much. As I said before - say hi and then walk away smoothly. It shows that you're not afraid of her.

 

I have to say, one of my ex-flings always does the staring thing when we meet at big social functions. He just stands on the other side of the room staring at me but without any facial expression that indicates we know each other. It makes it very awkward, and very difficult for me to go up to him as well because he's sort of actively ignoring me (but then not). Saying hi breaks the ice, walking away signal that you're moving on.

 

And Lee- thanks for all your kind words! It does make me feel better, sometimes I feel like there's just so much emotion/thoughts building up inside and it just all falls out onto the page here. Then I feel embarassed about having written so much.

 

I also never wanted to be a rebound or thought that I would be willing to have this sort of (non)relationship but I think it works because my last one was so intense. My rebound also just got out of a very serious relationship, so right now I think we're both terrified of being burned again. At any other time in my life I think I would write him off because of his behavior, but right now I really understand what he's going through. Like - he freaked out and was unable to commit to even a small thing like meeting for coffee (and ultimately he canceled it). I know that they say that this means a guy is just not into you, etc. but I find these things really cute because right now I'm just as nervous about doing those typical 'dating' things. And I could already see him freaking out so I didn't mind when he canceled because I wasn't really expecting him to meet me anyway. That's when I told him we should just wait for another month and see how things go when we're back home. But even just finding this, and how different it is to my last one, is giving me hope. And because it's a new guy that I barely know, he can't hurt me. Just being in that position has made me feel stronger and reminded me that I can be tough. With my ex I was just so vulnerable, I'd forgotten that I didn't always used to be like that.

 

My ex was also really good with words - wanted to marry me, was always talking about how committed he was, all the kids we were going to have, the apartment we were going to buy. It went extremely fast and he made me feel guilty for not trusting him enough while we were in it. Now I look back and realize that I had trust problems because we did move so fast - because he was willing to promise so much before even getting to know me properly. And of course, in the end, he moved out of my apartment just as quickly as he moved into it.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. In my last relationship, I also just lost all my confidence because my ex wanted to change so much of me, and I loved him so much I wanted to change everything too to keep him. Now I realize that we just weren't right for each other. There's nothing wrong with either of us - just that we were two very different people who aren't meant to be together. And of course it hurts, when you love someone it's really difficult to admit to yourself that they might not be the right person for you. But we love people in different ways, and you will find someone else to fall in love with and someone who actually loves you in a healthy way.

 

One of my friends told me - it's not supposed to be this hard. I keep telling myself that, even though it's almost an alien concept to me. But a relationship is not supposed to be this hard. People are supposed to support each other, take care of each other, help each other. Your partner is supposed to make your life easier, not harder.

 

Think about your ex and how much pain he has caused you. Ask yourself why you would want someone like that in your life. You don't. You deserve better.

 

And as I saw with my rebound guy - there is better out there. You will find yours too. (Hopefully he won't be in as bad emotional shape as my rebound guy!)

[zerolove]

Thanks Lee and Pigeonsid for the advice. Not sure it was the jar of the beer at the pub last night or reading posts here that had put out the flames of my crazy over-spinning mind. I fell asleep deep and sound last night. And woke up with sunshine mood. At least I knew how to get myself ready to meet her.

 

In the lounge, I met a few mutual friends who are with her most of the time and chatted with them during the lunch. I just wanna be as best as normal. I guess she had spotted me somehow and they both were shunning me. I guess being brave and cool just embarassed them and make me feel...good..." Soft Revenge" that's probably the right words to describe my feeling then. But I know I still can not resist the desire to look for her on the hills everytime I sit on the lift. Aparently she spent most of time in the lounge (That's probably because she doesnt want to be visible on the hills and she knows where I usually am). I didnt say hi to her because there is no chance. Yet I was able to maintain my cool. to be frank seeing her still makes my heart trembling.

 

On the way driving home, I was kinda relieved and relaxed . And I am feeling I am becoming stronger every day with less and less attachement to her. From my experience now, being brave to face them do give me a strong boost to move on and I even felt they were just pathetic. I know I still have to go through the cycle of waves, ups and downs. Maybe tonight will be another sleepless night, who knows. ..

[Lee725]

I fell asleep deep and sound last night. And woke up with sunshine mood. At least I knew how to get myself ready to meet her.

 

YYYAAAAyyyy, sorry it just made me smile to read that you had some decent sleep

 

I guess being brave and cool just embarassed them and make me feel...good..." Soft Revenge" that's probably the right words to describe my feeling then.

 

I am so VERY proud of you, you have done well my friend.

 

But I know I still can not resist the desire to look for her on the hills everytime I sit on the lift.

 

We look for them everywhere, somehow they seem to be behind our eyelids when we close out eyes... LOL.

 

Yet I was able to maintain my cool. to be frank seeing her still makes my heart trembling.

 

Oh honey, your heart will tremble, it will for a while to come.

You feel things, that is why, it is a curse at times but we the "softies", of this life feel things so strongly and for so long that our hearts skip beats years after the event at only the thought of seeing someone we onced loved.

 

I am becoming stronger every day with less and less attachement to her.

 

You have begun to walk the path to being healed, keep your blinkers on, stay focused, look only at the path, eventually you will come to the end, and there you will be at peace with yourself and those around you.

 

From my experience now, being brave to face them do give me a strong boost to move on and I even felt they were just pathetic. I know I still have to go through the cycle of waves, ups and downs. Maybe tonight will be another sleepless night, who knows. .

 

The waves will happen again unfortunately but that is what we are here for, and you know - even if no one else does (which i am sure they will) - i will read your posts.

I hope that you sleep peacefully tonight, think about how strong you have been and how much better you will be for it.

Dont think past, think future.