Need some perspective on a relationship going bad

[ansonia]

Hi. This is my first time posting on here and I desperately need some advice,perspective and guidance. Here goes- I joined a dating site back in April 2007 and almost immediately I met a seemingly great guy ,he is well educated,has a good job,He is 12 years older than me ,but I thought that might be a good thing, he seemed to be everything I wanted. I thought things were going great he even took himself off the dating site as soon as he got home from our first date.

 

Then in mid-June he started to pull away I wouldn't hear from him as much, he stopped texting and calling,I mean we really only saw each other once or twice a week anyway due to our work schedules,but I felt something was up ,so I went on to the dating site and there he was. I confronted him and he said he felt we didn't have a connection and that maybe we weren't right for each other,I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said no and we talked a little more and he said he would take himself off and we could try again and we did and again things were great until September.

I was always the one initiating contact and making plans to see him, he never called or emailed me he was basically ignoring me and I couldn't let go because I think I was starting to fall in love with him. In late October I found him on the dating site yet again and confronted him and he broke up with me ,he said he thought he should be feeling more for me than what he did. I cried my heart out, he truly broke my heart that day. That was on a Thursday,by Wednesday he was sending me very flirty emails and I did respond to him ,but in a very bitchy manner he kept it up throughout the week and by that Sunday I was back at his house.

 

That started the trend of me going to his house,staying over and basically things were almost back to the way they were, except he was still on the dating site and because I was so angry and hurt,I put myself back on as well. After a few weeks of this I asked him what exactly we were doing and he said "I don't know" and yet when we were together he was very sweet,flirty and even talked about us together in the future.I have met all his close friends and he has always included me in his group gatherings.

 

However, every time I ask him how he feels about me he says "I don't know" I ask do you care if I see other people? he replies 'I don't know" How can a 45 year old man not know how he feels about someone he has been sleeping with for 9 months??

 

I last saw him on Sat. night after trying to contact him for a few days prior and finally on Friday he texts me after I call and say I am sick of this and I think maybe it's time I see other people,well he replies that he has been really busy and he would like to see me Sat. night and that's when I talked to him yet again and still no answers!! Why can't he just say he wants to see other people and we stay friends? This is killing me.

 

I think the past few days will be the final straw for me,I left his house Sun. morning and asked what he was doing NYE and he said he might be going to his friends house in NYC ( I am from the city and he knew how much I would have loved to go,but didn't ask me) other than that he didn't know, he said it's just another night and 90% of NYE he did nothing. I made the mistake of saying how much I wanted to spend NYE with him and he said simply "I'm sorry' I said okay and left.

 

On Monday I sent him a text saying" have a great night wherever you are" and maybe I would talk to him at midnight,well midnight came and I heard nothing from him and when I tried to call he had his phone off.My heart is broken all over again,he couldn't say happy new year to me,even as a friend?? As of right now I still haven't heard from him. I am worried he met someone in NYC and when he first meets someone he thinks she is "the one" the great love, just like I was in the beginning. He has had many girlfriends in the past, all much younger than him,he has never been married but was engaged for 2 years.... he ironically broke it off because he thought she was too controlling!

I am on day 1 of no contact,but I know I won't be able to do it,I hate more than anything when I text or call him and he doesn't respond for days... it drives me crazy. I wish I was strong enough to do the same to him.

 

He has a huge ego and is a very jealous person,but I can't play those games. I just don't understand where he is and why he won't respond to me,he has done things like this before where he ignores me for days, but this is a bit strange.

I am sorry this is so long,I just had to get some perspective on this,all my friends think I should just dump him and never talk to him again,but it's not that easy. I am not stupid, I am aware he is using me in part for sex,but then he will say or do something ( like make me a Christmas stocking filled with perfume and my favorite magazine subscription) and I want to keep hanging on,hoping things get better. I can't seem to move on because he keeps pulling me back. Just when I think it's over, there he is again.

 

I don't know what to do,I need some kind of answer from him! Please,whatever advice or help anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated.

[Cobra_X30]

He is playing games with you and you know it!

 

Never contact him again!

[ansonia]

Yes I know. I really wanted to believe he cared about me,even as a friend. I just don't want to break down and contact him.... it is so hard though.

[D-Lish]

As long as you choose to remain entangled with this man, he is going to play the push/pull game with you.

 

He is playing you like a puppet... pulling your strings, and you are letting him do so. The best way to take control of the situation is to cut the strings and walk away from him.

 

Yes, NC is difficult- but it's the only way to take back control.

As you stated- you do all the initiating, you go to him whenever he asks, you have handed all your power over to him. He pulls away and you chase- he takes what he wants from you and gives you nothing of value in return.

 

At this point in time you are stuck in a miserable place... and you have to be the one to make the right choices and moves to get yourself out of it.

 

This also prevents you from being open to meeting new people- one of whom may be the right man for you.

 

Cleanse yourself of this man, show him you respect yourself by walking away from him and staying away.

 

He's 45 and never married- he's had a string of failed relationships... This is not a man you can change- he's not a man who wants to change.

 

Just recognize that you have the power of choice here.

Don't keep falling back into the same trap over and over again.

Make a good decision for yourself and cut him out of your life, you can do it, and I think you owe it to yourself to do so!

[Lizzie60]

When I was reading your post.. I thought you were like 18 or 19 yrs old... Then when I read that he was 45 and he's 12 yrs older... I did the math.. you ARE 33... my lord gayzus... I just can't believe that you are still thinking this might work one day... what are you thinking..

 

You are the perfect example of what I would call a 'doormat'.

 

You know... I don't blame him one bit.. did he promise you anything? He dumped you a few times... and you keep taking him back after you know very well that he's playing with you like he's playing with a puppet...

 

Sorry to be harsh... but I find it appalling that women allow men to abuse them like that.

 

It's never been an exclusive relationship as far as I'm concerned... you assumed it was...

 

You were 'falling' for him when he started to play his game... and yet you kept seeing him and you finally fell in love with him... it is pathetic to be soooo emotionally dependant on a man... really.

 

You need to leave this guy alone.. NO contact, DO NOT answer to his calls or emails... My bet is that he is playing a few women like that...

 

He is a professional player... I don't blame him one bit.. women allow him to play them... sad.. very sad...

 

Wake up... please... wake up..

[Trialbyfire]

I'm completely with D-Lish on this one. In essence, you empower him to treat you poorly because he knows you'll always be back for more.

 

Break it, shut it down, turn your back. He's getting off on his control of you. Consider him an emotional vampire and stake him out of your life.

[ansonia]

Yes I am 33 and I am very well aware that I am being extremely stupid as my friends and family have told me many times.I am usually a very independent person and I beat myself up constantly because I know I am being used. If this were one of my friends I would tell her the same thing you guy's are telling me.

 

However,please understand I have been in 2 very long term relationships in my life and after the last one I knew I needed to take a break and that lasted 3 years,then I met him.

He said things I wanted to hear and I guess I really wanted to believe him. I wanted to be in a relationship again.

I'm sure a lot of you on here have gone through the same thing and you know how much it hurts.

 

I just want some kind of closure. Honestly though, it kills me to think of him with someone else.

[Lizzie60]

He said things I wanted to hear and I guess I really wanted to believe him. I wanted to be in a relationship again.

 

Of course he did.. he's a pro player...

 

I'm sure a lot of you on here have gone through the same thing and you know how much it hurts.

 

No..never had this experience.. and I know I won't because when if I find out the very first time that he's playing me.. he's out of my life right away... I wouldn't wait to fall head over heels for him... you have to know when you have to remove yourself from the relationship.

 

I just want some kind of closure. Honestly though, it kills me to think of him with someone else.

 

Well... get used to it.. because, trust me, you've never been the only one...

 

Time to move on....

[D-Lish]

Yes I am 33 and I am very well aware that I am being extremely stupid as my friends and family have told me many times.I am usually a very independent person and I beat myself up constantly because I know I am being used. If this were one of my friends I would tell her the same thing you guy's are telling me.

 

However,please understand I have been in 2 very long term relationships in my life and after the last one I knew I needed to take a break and that lasted 3 years,then I met him.

He said things I wanted to hear and I guess I really wanted to believe him. I wanted to be in a relationship again.

I'm sure a lot of you on here have gone through the same thing and you know how much it hurts.

 

I just want some kind of closure. Honestly though, it kills me to think of him with someone else.

 

This is a situation where you have to make your own closure.

And yes- I have been in these kinds of relationships, which is why I know this guy will never make you happy.

 

It's always going to be about choices. You want to do something empowering? Tell him it's over and you never want him to contact you again....then stick to the NC forever. Delete him from you MSN, change your number if you have to- anything that helps to prevent you from contacting him in a moment of weakness.

 

Each day will get a little better- and it will become easier over time. You will have relaspses and weak moments, but recognize that this is normal and these will pass....then those moments will become further and further apart.

 

You'll know you are fully healed when you look back and feel glad you are no longer entangled with him.

 

Right now you have to work on rebuilding your confidence and self esteem.

 

Don't beat yourself up for what has taken place- just grab the reigns and make choices that reflect you respect yourself. That can start right now- by taking back control- you will find your closure- because you can be the one to put an end to all of this.

 

Keep posting- we'll keep listening.

[Jilly Bean]

Hon, why didn't you listen to him the first time when he said he felt no connection with you? Why wasn't that your clue to move on? I mean, I think everything from that point forward was a result of you pursuing him, and also putting out. I get the feeling that he has enjoyed having you for booty, but that he was dating other women all along.

 

I've definitely had my heartbroken before, so I relate to that. But as far as the rest? Sorry - I've never thrown myself at a guy so much and then wondered why he was playing me.

 

Like the others said - get out. This man has no feelings for you, besides the sexual kind...

[ansonia]

I did not contact him at all after the initial breakup,he contacted me and I only responded after he kept emailing and texting constantly. Was I wrong to think maybe he came to his senses,that maybe he missed me.

I have never thrown myself at him,he has been initiating all contact in the last 2 months or so. I knew I had to let him be the one to call me.

 

I know I'm wrong,trust me.... but please understand he pursued me for 80% of our time together.

 

I hate myself a lot right now,but at the time I thought he meant what he said.

[Lizzie60]

I did not contact him at all after the initial breakup,he contacted me and I only responded after he kept emailing and texting constantly. Was I wrong to think maybe he came to his senses,that maybe he missed me.

I have never thrown myself at him,he has been initiating all contact in the last 2 months or so. I knew I had to let him be the one to call me.

 

I know I'm wrong,trust me.... but please understand he pursued me for 80% of our time together.

 

I hate myself a lot right now,but at the time I thought he meant what he said.

 

Of course he's pursuing you.. why wouldn't he? He hasn't come to his sense... He knows he'll have you back .. he's a manipulator and you let him manipulate you...

 

Just stop...

 

You don't have to throw yourself at him.. he knows how to get you...

[Jilly Bean]

I did not contact him at all after the initial breakup,he contacted me and I only responded after he kept emailing and texting constantly. Was I wrong to think maybe he came to his senses,that maybe he missed me.

I have never thrown myself at him,he has been initiating all contact in the last 2 months or so. I knew I had to let him be the one to call me.

 

huh? Here is what I get as happening:

 

1 - after two months, he pulls away and stops calling and texting

2 - he puts his ad back online

3 - you confront him, he says he feels no connection with you

 

Regardless, you somehow cajole him into dating again (I am sure you left out a big part of this - lol).

 

Then, you wrote:

 

I was always the one initiating contact and making plans to see him, he never called or emailed me he was basically ignoring me and I couldn't let go because I think I was starting to fall in love with him. In late October I found him on the dating site yet again and confronted him and he broke up with me ,he said he thought he should be feeling more for me than what he did.

 

Then you said a trend started where you would show up at his house (presumably for sex). All this time, he is still on the dating site.

 

You then tell him you want to spend NYE with him, and he not only doesn't see you, but doesn't contact you to wish you HNY, and he also has his phone shut off (obviously so as not to be disturbed).

 

Hon, I am not trying to hump you here, but I think you are telling untruths to claim that he has pursued you for 80% of this, particularly when monthly he has a new ad up online. It sounds to me like he told you he wasn't interested after the first two months, and you didn't like that. So, to hold onto him, you decided to keep sleeping with him. He took you up on it (while he was dating others), but he has never an interest in anything beyond that.

 

Just really do yourself a favor and let this go. He has played you, but you allowed it.

[THE THRONE]

There isn't much of anything anyone else can add here. You either take the advice given or you continue to be played.

[lbabe]

sorry girlfriend doesnt sound like he wants to be with you. if you cant be together on NYE then your not together at all. its hard to let go....i know....but its for the best. Do you really want to keep going on like this?