Confused9 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 So...I don't know what else I can do to make myself feel better. This NC thing is killing me. I miss him everyday and most of all it kills me that he doesn't miss me. He's out gallivanting with the OW happy as pie and I am stuck. How did he get over me so quick? Why was he so mean? Why is this so easy for him? all questions I can't get answers to but feel I need to move on. I am trying so hard to move on. I am going out, working on myself, in therapy, talking it out, crying it out, posting on LS...I am trying to do everything but I can't help shake this worthless feeling. How could someone you are with for 7 years walk away from you because of a choice they made and make you feel bad throughout the whole mess of it? He is posting myspace quotes like, I hate the past but continue in to the future and thank you for ending 07. I mean this kid met someone, knocked her up, cancelled our wedding, treated me like dog poop - so why is he acting like I did something? I just don't understand how he can't miss me or want to be with me. I don't understand how he can be so hurtful. It make me so sad. I feel worthless. How can I help myself stop feeling this way?
norajane Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 You are feeling worthless because you got dumped and are hurt. And because you feel it is somehow a reflection on you, as if you could have prevented it if only you had done x, y, or z. AS IF. You will stop feeling worthless when you finally accept and internalize that HE is the worthless dogpoop and HIS BEHAVIOR proves it. But you still have him up on a pedestal, you still think he's so great and his poop doesn't stink. You still blame yourself, even though he is at fault. You need to spend time discussing that with your therapist. Why are you so all willing to take on the blame for his actions and feel worthless, when you ought to be scraping him off your shoe in disgust?
Author Confused9 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 ahhh NoraJane - I know I can count on you. You should be paid for all the help you've given me. I have spoken to me therapist about this. She says I need to work on my internal dialoge and try and turn those thoughts off. I recognize that I treat myself awful and need to love myself but for some reason I still continue to take on the hurt that everyone else may inflict on me. I do this all the time. If someone messes up and hurts me -- it's somehow my fault. Even when my father left - I blamed myself. It's some sick torture I like to inflict on myself. Why...I don't know. He was such a different person when we were together. He was always so wonderful in how he treated me minus when he was hammered and trying to fight with everyone he knew. Now, it's like I am the plague. I guess it's hard to swallow that everyone in your immediate life walks all over you and leaves you. (My family is screwed up!) Anyway, I know I have a lot of therpay ahead of me. I just never thought I would be without him. he was my support system. He was the 'love of my life' or so I thought. It's hard to swallow that he fell out of love with me so fast and could care less about how I am doing.
Kasan Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 to inflict on myself. Why...I don't know. He was such a different person when we were together. He was always so wonderful in how he treated me minus when he was hammered and trying to fight with everyone he knew. Now, it's like I am the plague. I guess it's hard to swallow that everyone in your immediate life walks all over you and leaves you. (My family is screwed up!) You know, I have to wonder if he was truly a different person when you were together. I question just how wonderful he was if he could do this to you. Love blinds us to our partner's faults. I am betting that when you finally get over this and look back, you will see that he wasn't what you really thought he was. And....you will get over this, when you have decided that you have had enough, and stop blaming and beating yourself up for something he did.
Author Confused9 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Well he's a different person in the fact that he puts me down, makes me feel worthless and cheated. He was always so quick to offer compliments. I would get sweet text messages, emails, phone calls during the day...for no reason. I mean...he wasn't perfect - we fought - but he wasn't even mean when we fought...he'd never raise his voice. He never said the hurtful things to me like he did when we were going through all this like, I never loved you, I never wanted to marry you, you were the worst mistake I ever made. Then he would take it back and say the 7 years we had together were the best years of his life. Then he would resort to meaness again. It's all just so confusing. I feel like it's my fault becasue he told me it was. He said I was mean. He said I only cared about my family (I have 3 siblings that are or were addicted to opiates so a lot of my time was trying to 'save' them) but he never said that was a problem before. He was always so supportive as he has addiction problems himself. He made me feel like his cheating was my fault and treated me as such...so I sort of believe him now. What if I could have done more? What if I wasn't the best I could have been? I must have been awful if he could leave me and treat me like this, right? I mean the consensus on a lot of these boards is that people cheat becasue something is missing in relationships. Obviously, I wasn't good enough for him. This is so hurtful and painful to realize. 7 years I wasted for what...to feel worthless as he moves on to bigger and better things? He doesn't even care that I am torn to pieces!?
Tomcat33 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Confused what the other posters said is right, you are feeling like this because you were dumped, it is always very painful breaking up and when it's not your making the decision it is even MORE painful. It's natural to feel as you are however in no way or form does it mean you actually ARE worthless, that is far from the truth. When a person does not want to be with you it is a reflection on them not you and you cannot be held accountable for making sure you meet their every desire. In time this relationship will help you to see that what you had was not good for you and that this man was not the right man for you, I know it doesn't feel that way now but it will. This experience will also help you to look at your relationship and reflect on what you did right and wrong in order to improve those things for your next relationship. In life sometimes we encounter people that are only meant to be in our lives for a period of time because what we learn from them will prepare us for bigger and better experiences with people that you could never even dream you could love more and yet you do! Just take it one day at time and time will heal your heart. Things seem foggy right now and this is all part of the letting go process, nothing lasts for ever, I promise you that! And i have been around long enough to know that when things get really low there is only one place to go from there and that is UP. you have to help yourself though that's the key.
imstunned Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 "I feel like it's my fault becasue he told me it was. He said I was mean. He said I only cared about my family (I have 3 siblings that are or were addicted to opiates so a lot of my time was trying to 'save' them) but he never said that was a problem before. He was always so supportive as he has addiction problems himself. He made me feel like his cheating was my fault and treated me as such...so I sort of believe him now. What if I could have done more? What if I wasn't the best I could have been? I must have been awful if he could leave me and treat me like this, right? I mean the consensus on a lot of these boards is that people cheat becasue something is missing in relationships. Obviously, I wasn't good enough for him." Of course he will tell you its your fault, that stops him from having to look at himself. But dont you believe it. Also dont believe that there was necessarily something missing, or more that you could have done. There is a thread of thought that says that Affairs happen due to something missing in a relationship, but there is also the train of throught that its something within the cheater that causes them to have the affair - that it is they that are broken not the relationship. Then of course we get the plain old selfish people. . . I dont know your whole story - but please dont internalize his treatment of you. I know its difficult to do - I have been doing the same (and was very guilty of it in a past abusive relationship), but I am trying really hard not to. It is he who is not good enough for YOU - not you that are not good enough for him.
norajane Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I mean the consensus on a lot of these boards is that people cheat becasue something is missing in relationships. Obviously, I wasn't good enough for him. What was missing is within HIM. Remember, he is an: - alcoholic - drug addict - emotionally unstable - depressive with a suicide attempt under his belt - possibly bi-polar - violent - someone who drinks and gets into fights is a VIOLENT person How can you look at that list and remotely question that his cheating was the result of something missing in you or your relationship? How can you not see that HE is the one who has something missing within him that caused him to cheat?
Author Confused9 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 It's just so furstrating. He is trying to play games with me too. Now his mypsace quote says 'the past was great but the future is better' like why put that? I have nothing on my page that is talking about him and how poorly he treated me...what's with the negative talk, still?!?!? I know you guys mean well in saying it is him not me, but honestly there must have been something I did wrong to cause him to be so mean and continue to be so mean. I mean...waht the feck? I just don't understand how someone can turn in to such a hateful man. If he was happy with his decision I can't imagine he would waste his time changing his myspace quote every day. I want to believe that I deserve better - but I thought he was better. He fooled me. He fooled me in to thinking he would always be there and never hurt me. Now, I have to live with the fact that he walked away with ease and didn't look back and tormented me to no end in the process calling me all sorts of things. He even went so far as telling me he didn't really cheat on me and that he only told me that to get me away from him. I mean...she's pregnant - what was it immaculate conception? Was it the boogy leaving him those messages? I mean COME ON!!! I really think he is trying to get a response out of me by leaving these myspace messages. I mean...why else would he be doing it? If he didn't care...he wouldn't do it. That's my thought. Can I just go to sleep for a few months, please?
imstunned Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Listen - I was with a guy who hit me, spat on me, was emotionally abusive - I had a panic attack once as I thought he was going to kill me. If I hadnt of got out of that relationship he may well have ended up doing me some REAL and permanant damage. Now - he was mean - you would agree. Would you say that I did something to deserve that? No -of course not. Nobody deserves to be treated badly. i thought I did - I used to say to myself "I must have made him very angry to make him hit me/spit on me/throw something at me" It was the only way I could make sense of it all. But clearly he had the problem not me. its just as clear in your situation that its not you but him!! Its just that you cant see it yet. x
Kasan Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I want to believe that I deserve better - but I thought he was better. He fooled me. Very key what you wrote here. Once you get past your hurt you will be able to view your situation with so much clarity. You deserved better and you will find better. He fooled you--absolutely, but I bet when you are further down the road, you will see the warning signs that were there. Who knows why he did what he did, and you may never know why. You may have to accept that you will never get the answers from him that you need.
Author Confused9 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I'm stunned, I can't wait till the day I can see that. I mean, he was my everything. It's just like...give me a break. Let me walk away with SOME dignity. Don't continue to make me feel like I did this. Let me go if you want me to go...don't patronize me...especially on freaking myspace. PICK UP A PHONE!!! You know? I will not break NC! But, I want to just to tell him to shut up! I am not bad mouthing him around town...he's not here to defend himself and I don't want to do that. People will make their own asumptions but...stop posting our dirty laundry on myspace. I have yet to do it back to him and I won't. I won't stoop that low. Especially since I love(d) him. PS. thanks for putting it in different light. I know you didn't deserve what ahppened to you...I am glad you got out of that though.
Author Confused9 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Very key what you wrote here. Once you get past your hurt you will be able to view your situation with so much clarity. You deserved better and you will find better. He fooled you--absolutely, but I bet when you are further down the road, you will see the warning signs that were there. Who knows why he did what he did, and you may never know why. You may have to accept that you will never get the answers from him that you need. warning signs about what though, that he was unstable or that he fell out of love with me and was looking for a way out? I mean...I can't handle that he fell out of lvoe with me. I can handle that he has problems and this may have pushed him over the edge. I don't want it to be that he fell out of love with me because then I will feel like I failed and another man didn't love me enough to stay. (the first one being my own father!)
Kasan Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I will feel like I failed and another man didn't love me enough to stay. (the first one being my own father!) I know that you are hurting, and trying to make sense out of a terrible situation. You can't fix someone who is broken unless they want to be fixed, and from what norajane has quoted your ex has/had a lot of problems. His problems drove him to do the things that he did. A definition of failure is--the condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends. Now I can see based on this definition where your boyfriend failed you. You were engaged, he cheated, made another woman pregnant, and is now blaming you. Based on this definition, I really don't see where you failed your boyfriend. You loved him, supported him, and were faithful. I know that you love him still, but I think that you dodged one here, and I am also sure that you had nothing to do with your father leaving you. You were a child and he was an adult.
imstunned Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm stunned, I can't wait till the day I can see that. PS. thanks for putting it in different light. I know you didn't deserve what ahppened to you...I am glad you got out of that though. Well - its easy as this relationship was like TEN years ago if not more. . .it didnt happen overnight, I stayed with him after he hit me etc - so it takes time. I just wanted to help you see another situation as thats how we view yours - i.e clearly not your fault!!!. Its not easy, but you WILL get there!
Author Confused9 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 UGH! This is so hard and so frustrating. I really don't know what I would do without LS. Thank you all so much. Anymore advice you have...keep it coming. I am 26 years old have been with him since I was 19 and this is my first love, first 'partner' and first break-up. I just wish I posted here when this all started happening I could have learned a lot and wouldn't have been so needy in the beginning. I am sure he thinks I am a fool for running after him like I did for 2 months. HE wasn't honest aout the cheating till after he just said the good ol' I want to be alone and I need space. Bahhhh how's the space now with the baby on the way?
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Hypothecially speaking, if he knocked on your door right now and asked you to take him back, would you? Do you believe that you could ever fully trust him again? This isn't about loving him, this is about faith, trust and knowing that he'll have your back forever. You don't have to put your answer down on here, this is just for you to think about. I know you guys mean well in saying it is him not me, but honestly there must have been something I did wrong to cause him to be so mean and continue to be so mean. I mean...waht the feck? No, you did nothing wrong. He's depressed, doesn't have normal thinking capabilities, he drinks and he's an a-hole. You couldn't have brought all that on! He just hid his demons well, that's all.
Author Confused9 Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 I will ponder that question WWIU...but I think the answer would be something you wouldn't like to hear! I am starting to heal though...don't ya think? In a weird way?
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 You can't heal properly yet because you still think he is going to come back to you someday. Until you close that door and lock, throw away the key, he'll be in your heart intensly.. He isn't the man you thought he was. He isn't who he thought he was. I honestly believe he is just very screwed up and between the drinking, depression, another side of him came out, an ugly and cruel side.
4everloveu Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 First to say "Happy New Year"Confuse! I hope 2008 wipe away the pain and bring you happy healthy health. You will get better day by day. Try to go out with friend, family to keep your mind off. I know it easy to say and very hard to do. Take good care of your self and don't look back. You are still young and I'm guarantee you will fine someone will love you with all his heart. You deserve better just like other poster stated. BIG HUGGGG!!!
Author Confused9 Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 I am trying to let go...but part of me still wants him back Thanks foreveriloveu...you too : )
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