Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 If you're not willing to spend a relatively equal contribution (in percentage here, as well as other nice little things to do for him), then you really shouldn't criticize his INVESTMENT decisions.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 No, my parents won't give me money for dinners out. The agreement is that they will pay my apartment and tuition bills, everything else is my responsibility. . You don't get it - if you had zero money left, you KNOW you coudl call your parents, tell them you did your best - but just couldn't swing it this month and they would bail you out. You might have to pay them back, but you know you could do it. That is a safety net - something your b/f and many of us don't have. It is a wonderful thing to have, and I am very happy for you -but you need to understand that not everyone is as fortunate as you in this regard. Stop denying it and start appreciating it! Otherwise I've said my piece earlier in this thread.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Well, since he got his new job he invested a lot of money in the stock market..like 4 grand. So I don't feel sorry for him that he is running out of money. And going out to dinner all the time in my opinion is a waste of money. And he has said "well I made a lot of money this month, so 60 bucks isn't really that much." I think he is beginning to realize that he is spending too much, and investing too much, which is why he is starting to give me a hard time about not being able to pay. I think it's a great idea that he's investing. It's about time, since both of you are in your twenties. L_b, you might want to reread what you just wrote to me. You do realize that this is his money to do whatever he wants with it. You're not entitled to any portion of it or to really benefit from his financial success, unless he's willing to share. The concept mentioned is that if he wants to go out a lot but resents spending the money on you, that you not do it and suggest less expensive methods of entertaining yourselves. I do like nj's idea of showing him a full accounting of your income v. expenses, so it helps to nip his resentment in the bud. Consider it this way. You don't have any debt. He's carrying debt. With this in mind, why is he paying for so much? Btw, I can't stand cheap men.
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 You don't get it - if you had zero money left, you KNOW you coudl call your parents, tell them you did your best - but just couldn't swing it this month and they would bail you out. You might have to pay them back, but you know you could do it. That is a safety net - something your b/f and many of us don't have. It is a wonderful thing to have, and I am very happy for you -but you need to understand that not everyone is as fortunate as you in this regard. Stop denying it and start appreciating it! Otherwise I've said my piece earlier in this thread. That's what I was trying to say, thanks! LB - You don't seem to appreciate your "safety net," and I think THAT's what your BF is pointing out when he brings up the fact that your parents pay for nearly all of your expenses. You take your parents for granted, just as you do him. You do realize that this is his money to do whatever he wants with it. You're not entitled to any portion of it or to really benefit from his financial success, unless he's willing to share. Exactly.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I think it's a great idea that he's investing. It's about time, since both of you are in your twenties. L_b, you might want to reread what you just wrote to me. You do realize that this is his money to do whatever he wants with it. You're not entitled to any portion of it or to really benefit from his financial success, unless he's willing to share. The concept mentioned is that if he wants to go out a lot but resents spending the money on you, that you not do it and suggest less expensive methods of entertaining yourselves. I do like nj's idea of showing him a full accounting of your income v. expenses, so it helps to nip his resentment in the bud. Consider it this way. You don't have any debt. He's carrying debt. With this in mind, why is he paying for so much? Btw, I can't stand cheap men. Well, the issue is more that he is telling ME how to spend my money. So he's not entitled to spend anything on me, but I'm supposed to be spending money on him that I need to live off of? How is that fair? Like him getting pissed because I spend money on clothes that I needed instead of on him. So he does the same damn thing to me.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 That's what I was trying to say, thanks! LB - You don't seem to appreciate your "safety net," and I think THAT's what your BF is pointing out when he brings up the fact that your parents pay for nearly all of your expenses. You take your parents for granted, just as you do him. I don't think I take him for granted. Sorry, but I fail to see how his suggesting we do something, then giving me a hard time when I can't pay for it is my fault. Also, he expects me to pay for things, but I can't expect him to. WTF?
melodymatters Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Well, the issue is more that he is telling ME how to spend my money. So he's not entitled to spend anything on me, but I'm supposed to be spending money on him that I need to live off of? How is that fair? Like him getting pissed because I spend money on clothes that I needed instead of on him. So he does the same damn thing to me. DING DING DING, and there you have it ! Your BF definitley has money issues, the wanting you to pitch in when he drove to his parents or else you were uninvited was a HUGE RED FLAG. Now, perhaps you too have a different sort of " money issue" where you have never had the weight of the world on your shoulders financially, and that PERHAPS makes you behave a bit cavalierly about money. REGARDLESS, you two need to come up with a compromise/plan something or I agree with Nora when she said it would only get worse with more money and more responsibility. There are no right or wrongs here. Some people support their partner completely, some split 50/50. The KEY is for YOU TWO to come up with what works for YOU, or it's going to be a long hard road !!!
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I don't think I take him for granted. But he does, and that's what matters here. This isn't all about YOUR feelings, LB. Try to understand HIS. Again, what were those "scenarios" he listed for you as examples of how he feels taken for granted? There were non-money related items in there, weren't there?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 But he does, and that's what matters here. This isn't all about YOUR feelings, LB. Try to understand HIS. Again, what were those "scenarios" he listed for you as examples of how he feels taken for granted? There were non-money related items in there, weren't there? No, there weren't non-money related items. This whole thing is about money. He created this whole thing, in reality because he is the one who suggests going out and offering to treat. So if we go out to dinner 5 times a month, and he pays 4 times and I can only pay once, if that, then yeah it does seem like their is a huge discrepancy. And sorry, there is no way I am going to ask him to pay for anything for me, that's just stupid. If he really does resent that he pays for everything, than when I feel that he is offereing too many times, then I will politely decline and suggest we stay in. Then he can't use it against me.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Well, the issue is more that he is telling ME how to spend my money. So he's not entitled to spend anything on me, but I'm supposed to be spending money on him that I need to live off of? How is that fair? Like him getting pissed because I spend money on clothes that I needed instead of on him. So he does the same damn thing to me. LB, Stop step back and really think about what you just wrote here. Can you understand where you BF is coming from? Can you understand his POV? Your so convinced that you have nothing that you may be completely missing the point.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Well, the issue is more that he is telling ME how to spend my money. So he's not entitled to spend anything on me, but I'm supposed to be spending money on him that I need to live off of? How is that fair? Like him getting pissed because I spend money on clothes that I needed instead of on him. So he does the same damn thing to me. I'm trying to illustrate his position. You could go into debt too, but choose not to. He's already in debt and continues to stay that way, for assorted reasons, of which one is paying for your share. Whether this is a right or wrong perspective, what if the roles were reversed? How would you feel?
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 If money is an issue now while you are both just BF-GF and live apart and not together as well as not sharing any bills etc etc.. then if you extrapolate that out to when you get married I would think your money issues are going to grow while this relationship progresses.. This money issue that you both have with one another will eventually be a deal breaker for one or both of you.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 No, there weren't non-money related items. This whole thing is about money. He created this whole thing, in reality because he is the one who suggests going out and offering to treat. So if we go out to dinner 5 times a month, and he pays 4 times and I can only pay once, if that, then yeah it does seem like their is a huge discrepancy. And sorry, there is no way I am going to ask him to pay for anything for me, that's just stupid. If he really does resent that he pays for everything, than when I feel that he is offereing too many times, then I will politely decline and suggest we stay in. Then he can't use it against me. Great idea, LB. I was actually just going to post that very suggestion. That's exactly what I would do. Then he can't say that you're taking advantage. Start staying in more, renting movies, and as TBF suggested, cooking together. That can be really fun. Pick a new recipe maybe each time. At this point, it would be a long time before I would even let him take me out. But that's just me. This whole thing would bug the you know what out of me. Why doesn't he stop going out and pay his school loan off? Seems a better use of his money if you ask me. Anyway, at this point it's really none of his business how you spend your money just as it's none of your business how he spends his.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 If money is an issue now while you are both just BF-GF and live apart and not together as well as not sharing any bills etc etc.. then if you extrapolate that out to when you get married I would think your money issues are going to grow while this relationship progresses.. This money issue that you both have with one another will eventually be a deal breaker for one or both of you. I would tend to agree with that. Even when Laurie starts earning her own money, I think the dynamic will still be the same.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Good point Touche. I agree that he should be applying his money towards his student loans, rather than spending it on frivolous items like going out. Debt will kill you in the long run. From what I understand of student loans, the debit interest rates are high.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 We had a really awesome talk tonight..we got so many issues out on the table and talked about ways of resolving them. We talked about all of our feelings, the way we fight, money, anger, everything. We didn't fight, we just calmly discussed how we were feeling about things. I told him I wasn't going to ask him to pay for things, and he agreed. We talked about pretty much every issue, and it was such a great talk! Hopefully we can work everything out. I think it's just that we don't understand the other's position on money and that's what we are fighting about. We are going to really try to work things out so we can be together.
Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 That's great to hear, LB. Just keep up the communication, and focus on understanding your BF's perspective. I really hope you live happily ever after!!
Touche Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Good point Touche. I agree that he should be applying his money towards his student loans, rather than spending it on frivolous items like going out. Debt will kill you in the long run. From what I understand of student loans, the debit interest rates are high. That's what I've heard too. So it doesn't sound like he's that great with money. I'm no accountant and even I know it's better to pay off debt before spending on the luxuries and possibly creating more debt. Pretty elementary, really. Just read your post, Laurie. That's great. So did you really talk about some concrete changes? Do you really understand and respect each others' position now, do you think?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 That's what I've heard too. So it doesn't sound like he's that great with money. I'm no accountant and even I know it's better to pay off debt before spending on the luxuries and possibly creating more debt. Pretty elementary, really. Just read your post, Laurie. That's great. So did you really talk about some concrete changes? Do you really understand and respect each others' position now, do you think? Well, he's good with money, however since he got this new job in October he has more extra money than he used to before, so I think he just spent more than he should have and is realizing this now. Anyway, Touche (and everyone else of course), for all your advice it really helped me. And we really did come up with some concrete things to change and we are both going to work hard to change our behavior. I told him I like having a say in our relationship and want to work together to make changes, not just have him tell me what I'm doing that pisses him off. He was very understanding about the issue actually. Maybe staying together during this time is good because we are learning what kind of issues we both have and how to deal with them when we do move in together. I really hope we can work things out, because honestly I love him more than anything. I know he can be controlling, I don't think he tries to be and isn't always controlling, it's just sometimes. I think he is going to try to talk about things and come up with solutions more than just lecturing me. I'm very happy I spent my day off on LS, it really helped me get a lot of my feelings out to my boyfriend tonight. I have a really good feeling that we are going to be able to work through this. He is not a bad guy, he can be a jerk sometimes. He even said his new years resolution was to "treat his girlfriend right." Thanks sooooo much everyone, you have helped me more than you know.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Well done Lauriebelle. Everyone talks about communication but how many people actually listen and try to understand each other?
Touche Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Oh and that is really, really great Laurie. Now is the time, before you ever live together, to establish those good communication habits. To talk them out calmly without yelling. Remember you're both on the same side, not adversaries. You're a team. Anyway, I really am happy for you.
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Here..Here Art raises a glass.. ( of water Touche ) Congrats on making a stand and accepting open communication as a beginning to things..
Touche Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Here..Here Art raises a glass.. ( of water Touche ) Congrats on making a stand and accepting open communication as a beginning to things.. I will raise my (water) glass to that, Art.
Krytie TV Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Damn, I missed it... late again. Saved by the bell.
Mary3 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 OP your last statement was the most powerful. Here at LoveShack you CAN spend your day off ( lol ) reading and learning. A never ending source of information from some very great members (* bows to all of you * ) for all the times I came on here and learned something about myself and about men.. OP, It seems its been a struggle for you. I would strongly recommend as others have , that you get a spread sheet and show your guy how much is ingoing and outgoing. That a CPA DOES understand As for what you really have and what you really don't , the spreadsheet will be an excellent way for you to see how you * might * be able to cut something back. I ask : " Whats wrong with McD's ? " I know you like OG and AB but sometimes a fast food place can be very good too. Afterall you are together enjoying something that tastes delicious. You can both eat for about $ 5 each.... I DO think this guy has some control issues. How correct are his financial assumptions about you ? Is he really being stingy ? Is he really cheap ? Well, I can answer that I don't like cheap men. I would be turned off by this man. But then again some women are more flexible... Is he being abusive ? If he is doing ANY of the things on the wheel , don't kid yourself about being in denial. Will this change ? ( the cheapness or frugalness ) NO , it won't likely change.....as these are dynamics of how he thinks about finances.. Marry him ? not yet....Maybe never. Keep us posted...
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