Update on other thread

[Lauriebell82]

I agree, that was ridiculous - and a frivolous waste of money.

 

Thank you!

[Touche]

Sorry guys, I'm starting to feel ganged up on and am starting to defend my actions which is causing confusion. I'm going to stop doing that.

 

Ok the names: He has called me a selfish, spoiled brat. He has said I was acting like a bitch, but never outwardly called me a bitch. He has never called me anything like a slut, whore, skank, freak, ugly, fat, ect. He has called me names yes, but nothing so slandering as those listed above. Hope that helps you guys.

 

Yeah I do cook him dinner when I am staying here. I take him out to dinner every so often when I have the money to somewhere that I can afford. I do other nice things for him aside from spending money, such as straighten his apartment, help with dishes, pick up some things he needs. So I really do think I contribute to our relationship..and I appreciative of the things he does for me as well.

 

Ok, first of all, please don't feel like you're being ganged up on, Laurie. We're really trying to help and understand.

 

I for one, take back the "abusive" label. What you are now describing is not abusive in my book. Maybe some would disagree. But I don't see it as abusive. Unless you're leaving out something. Because you're still saying he's called you names but you're not saying WHAT names. You're again choosing to leave that out. And I'm wondering why. You're telling us what he hasn't called you though. That's nice but I still would like to know what names he's called you. Because so far, I'm not seeing what you mentioned as being abusive. Do you want the truth here or not?

 

So again, I ask you, WHAT names HAS he called you, Laurie?

 

And it does sound like you are doing your share, if you're describing things accurately, as far as reciprocating.

[Art_Critic]

Dude, he is a CPA... he is going to naturally be a score keeper... that's what he is trained to do professionally.

 

I'm going to make a sweeping generalization here...

 

I agree with Cobra.. All of the CPA's that I have known or know are control freaks with money in their personal life and as such I think being a CPA lends itself to being controlling with money and a scorekeeper.

[StartingOver07]

I do other nice things for him aside from spending money, such as straighten his apartment, help with dishes, pick up some things he needs. So I really do think I contribute to our relationship..and I appreciative of the things he does for me as well.

 

This is standard stuff, imo, especially since you spend all your time at his apartment. I don't really see this as being generous. Is there nothing you do that gives of yourself? I don't know you and I don't know him so it's hard to know what would be meaningful but things like cards, notes, a foot/back/body massage, romantic dinner, surprise picnic at his favorite spot, etc., etc. There are lots of things you can do for/with your partner that are no- or low-cost.

 

I agree with Touche that he sounds like a score-keeper and this is a royal PITA, imo, as you will find the same issues surfacing and resurfacing endlessly.

 

That said, if your communication within this thread is any indication, you do not come across as being straight-forward. You make a claim and then, when you don't hear what you want to hear, change it or add to it so that the responses will be more supportive. Do you interact this way with your bf? It would wear me out.

[Cobra_X30]

How is a valet an "unexpected expense?" Do they hold a gun to your head? You can choose to not use the valet service. So if you take someone out and there's valet are you saying you have to use it? And then what? You ask your date to pay for it?

 

Okie, dokie.

 

Not sure where your living... but over here... sometimes you can get parking and avoid valet... sometimes you cant.

 

Sometimes you can pay Valet's with the rest of the bill, sometimes it's cash only.

 

It's something that can always be fixed by planning ahead.... however, not all of us are masters at that.

[Lauriebell82]

Ok, first of all, please don't feel like you're being ganged up on, Laurie. We're really trying to help and understand.

 

I for one, take back the "abusive" label. What you are now describing is not abusive in my book. Maybe some would disagree. But I don't see it as abusive. Unless you're leaving out something. Because you're still saying he's called you names but you're not saying WHAT names. You're again choosing to leave that out. And I'm wondering why. You're telling us what he hasn't called you though. That's nice but I still would like to know what names he's called you. Because so far, I'm not seeing what you mentioned as being abusive. Do you want the truth here or not?

 

So again, I ask you, WHAT names HAS he called you, Laurie?

 

And it does sound like you are doing your share, if you're describing things accurately, as far as reciprocating.

 

Our huge blow out fight a few weeks ago is when he called me the selfish spoiled brat name. He has called me ungrateful and unappreciative (which I am neither), a winer, a mooch, an overemotional basket case. Hmmm trying to think of other things he has said..

[Cobra_X30]

I'm going to make a sweeping generalization here...

 

I agree with Cobra.. All of the CPA's that I have known or know are control freaks with money in their personal life and as such I think being a CPA lends itself to being controlling with money and a scorekeeper.

 

HEY! I was just pointing out that it is something he is trained to do on a professional level regarding money!

 

Agree or disagree... sarcasm is not required!

[melodymatters]

HEY! I was just pointing out that it is something he is trained to do on a professional level regarding money!

 

Agree or disagree... sarcasm is not required!

 

I think he was being serious cobra

[Touche]

Dude, he is a CPA... he is going to naturally be a score keeper... that's what he is trained to do professionally.

 

Your assessment however is spot on!

 

They both need to stop bieng selfish. SHOW him that you take his feelings and his situation into consideration. Even if that means doing something that isnt in your own best interest. Do that for a month and if the guy doesnt respond in kind... then he is simply a selfish jerk and not worth the effort.

 

That's ridiculous. So if a person is trained professionally to shoot a gun in his job, he shoot one in his relationships? WTF? No. No one can have a good relationship if they're a ScoreKeeper. Ain't gonna happen. I don't care what they do for a living.

 

As to the rest, you have a point. But you didn't mean about having Laurie ask him to pay for things right? You meant that she should sacrifice maybe a little more, right?

 

Ok, Laurie. I just read your last post. Not abusive as far as I'm concerned. I take that back then.

 

Do you think he has a point? Is any of it true maybe? How do you react when he says those things? Do you deny it all and yell or do you acknowledge that maybe some of it is true?

[Art_Critic]

I think he was being serious cobra

 

Thanks MM.. Yes Cobra.. I was being serious.... No sarcasm, I swear

[Cobra_X30]

Do what for a month? Sorry I refuse to ask my boyfriend to pay for something for me like some poor destitute homeless person. If he wants to take me out fine, but Im not going to expect it, and if he offers to pay great, if he suggest something but doesn't offer I'm going to say that we should just not go out if I don't have money for it.

 

That's not exactly what I meant.

 

My suggestion would be more along the lines of... try taking him out.

[Star Gazer]

Hi LB, I haven't read the entire thread yet (I don't want my initial reaction to be tainted , so I'm only responding to your initial post.

 

This is the part that jumped out at me:

 

Even though he says he doesn't, he resents the fact that he pays for everything we do, because I have no spending money. I tried to explain to him that the money I am earning over xmas break and money I got from my parents is not "going out to dinner" money, but it is money that I need next semester to put gas in my car, and food on my stomach. Again, that didn't go over too well. Again, he called me names which I have again asked him to not do.

 

You earn money or get money through gifts. He earns money too. You want to use YOUR money to put gas in your car and food in your stomach. He also wants to use HIS money to put gas in his car, food in his stomach, and pay all of his bills (i.e., necessities).

 

The difference here is that you also expect (yes, you do) that he ALSO spend his money on you and the relationship (dinner, movies, whatever), while you're unwilling to do the same. That is not a partnership. From his perspective, this is very, very troubling.

 

You say you don't have "spending money," but by the sounds of your BF's financial situation (bills, debt, etc., that you don't have), your BF doesn't really have spending money either (credit is not money). If I were in his shoes, I'd be very resentful and probably feeling very, very irritated because you are, in fact, hoarding your money for yourself, and not sharing it with him/the relationship.

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks MM.. Yes Cobra.. I was being serious.... No sarcasm, I swear

 

Shoot... Sorry Art.

 

My bad.

[Star Gazer]

He says he likes treating me to things because he loves me, but contradicts this attitude when he asks me if I have money to pay for myself when he knows I don't.

 

Ah ha, but the difference is, now you DO have the money.

 

Year-round, you don't have much cash because you're a full-time student. We get that. But now that you DO have money (a large portion of which is an unexpected GIFT!), you're unwilling to share it with your BF who has spent a ton of money on you.

 

This is a really, really big problem LB. Like others have said, finances are one of the main things couples fight about. If you can't get this sorted out now, you're not looking at a bright future.

 

Can I ask why you don't want to spend any of your money on dates but expect him to pay for everything?

[Cobra_X30]

That's ridiculous. So if a person is trained professionally to shoot a gun in his job, he shoot one in his relationships? WTF? No. No one can have a good relationship if they're a ScoreKeeper. Ain't gonna happen. I don't care what they do for a living.

 

As to the rest, you have a point. But you didn't mean about having Laurie ask him to pay for things right? You meant that she should sacrifice maybe a little more, right?

 

Ok, Laurie. I just read your last post. Not abusive as far as I'm concerned. I take that back then.

 

Do you think he has a point? Is any of it true maybe? How do you react when he says those things? Do you deny it all and yell or do you acknowledge that maybe some of it is true?

 

Men always have problems dragging work home. Even if that is just in attitude and demeanor.

 

I'm glad you addressed the yelling and namecalling. That was the first thing about the OP that jumped out at me.

 

Yes, I meant not her begging him to spend money on her... but for her to go out on a limb for him.

 

Seriously... if she can't afford the same stuff he does... because I've been there. Cook him dinner or something.

[norajane]

Ok, I had to go back to your original post so I could figure out what you were asking and what kind of help you wanted.

 

Hi guys, hopefully everyone can give me some advice without ganging up on me here. I'll try to get my point across as best I can.

 

We've probably all failed at that.

 

He accused me of making him pay for things even though I had money to do so.

 

He feels like you're taking advantage of him. You do not feel like that's true, and you are not taking him for granted.

 

Again I think he resents me for my parents being well off, while his parents are almost bankrupt.

 

This is not your fault and there is nothing you can do to change that. If he resents you for this, he is being unreasonable.

We are trying to work though this problem, and we keep having the same exact fight over and over again. Even though he says he doesn't, he resents the fact that he pays for everything we do, because I have no spending money.

 

You first have to make sure he truly understands your financial situation. Put that spreadsheet together and show him how much income you have and how you spend it. If you truly cannot afford to contribute more than you have been, show him the numbers. That may help him to understand that you are not holding out on him, which he clearly thinks you are.

 

He's a CPA, he will respond to hard numbers. Explaining isn't the same as a spreadsheet to an accountant, especially if you haven't been clear with him and he's not listening anyway during the heat of an argument.

 

Again, he called me names which I have again asked him to not do.

 

You've warned him about this a few times. Now you have to take action. Next time he calls you a name - and it does seem there will be a next time - end the discussion. Tell him that you've asked him not to call you names, and he's doing it again, so you cannot continue the discussion anymore. Then walk out of the room, or the house. Train him to think before he insults you.

 

If this keeps happening, I'd walk away permanently.

 

I'm seriously doubting my relationship which is making me feel guilty.

 

Doubting your relationship should not make you feel guilty. Doubts are a sign that you aren't comfortable. Don't bury those feelings. Examine them, as you are doing.

 

Maybe this won't happen anymore when I actually have a steady income and more money,

 

Actually, it will be worse. He will then expect a proportional contribution from you, and it appears that he will be accounting for it in his head to the penny. You drop below your allocated percentage, and you'll hear about it. Is that how you want to interact with your bf, as though every dinner is a financial transaction that needs to be added to your Accounts Receivable and Accounts Payable balance sheet?

 

If you move in together, this will extend to utilities, rent (on HIS condo), groceries, and all other expenses. So what happens if he wants to buy a couch, or a TV? What if what he wants to buy is more than you can afford, or more than you would ever pay for one? What percentage will you think you should pay, vs. what he thinks you should pay?

 

Say you get married and have a baby and leave your job. Then HE is responsible for all your combined expenses. How do you think that will sit with him? Will he hold it over your head how HE pays for your lifestyle and you don't do enough in the house to make up for it and you don't appreciate what he is doing for you?

 

Do you see where I'm going with this? This is not a problem that will get better. It must be addressed now, or it will only get worse, and with much bigger stakes.

 

but in the meantime if he doesn't offer to pay for something and I don't have the money to pay for myself I'm supposed to "ask" him if he is comfortable paying for it. Does that sound weird to you? I mean I'll do it if that means we can stop fighting about it, but I'm so scared about this. Ugh, feels good to get this off my chest.

 

So, I guess that's the crux of the immediate problem for you. And I don't think any of us have really helped you with this.

 

I wouldn't do it myself, but if you are bound and determined to stay in this relationship even under his terms, I guess you can try the asking thing for a while and see how that works. Or try refusing to go out since you can't afford it and you don't want him to feel you are taking advantage of his 'generosity'.

 

It really depends on what his core issue is. Does he really feel that you take his money and his paying for granted, or does he really just resent spending money on you?

 

You might find that he'll feel more appreciated and that you aren't taking him for granted. Or you might find that he will STILL throw up the actual accounting in your face during every other fight.

[norajane]

This is standard stuff, imo, especially since you spend all your time at his apartment. I don't really see this as being generous. Is there nothing you do that gives of yourself? I don't know you and I don't know him so it's hard to know what would be meaningful but things like cards, notes, a foot/back/body massage, romantic dinner, surprise picnic at his favorite spot, etc., etc. There are lots of things you can do for/with your partner that are no- or low-cost.

 

Yes, but he doesn't count those things as contributions, I'll bet. He's only looking at the $$.

[Trialbyfire]

Men always have problems dragging work home. Even if that is just in attitude and demeanor.

 

I'm glad you addressed the yelling and namecalling. That was the first thing about the OP that jumped out at me.

 

Yes, I meant not her begging him to spend money on her... but for her to go out on a limb for him.

 

Seriously... if she can't afford the same stuff he does... because I've been there. Cook him dinner or something.

Perhaps he needs to cook her dinner, while she pays for the groceries.

[Star Gazer]

LB - I just read this:

But now I fear that you are taking me for granted, just as you are taking for granted how your life has been paid for by your parents. It’s the things you say, and the things you do that make me feel this way. No one likes feeling that they are being taken for granted. Here is a list of some things you have said that have upset me, and why, and what you could have said instead:

 

 

I have a feeling a ton of those "scenarios" had nothing to do with money, am i right?

 

While the monetary aspect of this argument is prevalent, I feel there is an underlying issue with your BF feeling taken for granted (his own words). Perhaps he feels like you expect too much - from something as little as paying for the toll booth, to buying you the ring you want for Christmas - and no longer place any value on what he does do for you. "He has money, he should be paying." That seems to be your attitude.

 

And like some of the other posters, I'm having a hard time believing you're really impoverished. At one point in college, I was making about $13,000 before taxes (which are like nil at that income level, plus you get the education credit!). On that income, I managed to go on vacations, party at clubs, go out to dinner with friends, and shop...a lot. In addition, your parents are "well off." If you needed money for dinner, they'd give it to you. Your BF doesn't have that option.

 

Your BF isn't innocent when it comes to the issues in your relationship, but you're equally liable here due to your expectations and assumptions about the way your BF should be doing everything you want him to.

[Cobra_X30]

Perhaps he needs to cook her dinner, while she pays for the groceries.

 

Just as good!

[allina]

If anything he's probably pissed that you expected TWO diamond rings this year from him bu won't spend money on him in return, like a dinner out (just a small fraction of what diamonds cost)

[Lauriebell82]

To clarify I'm not hoarding my money. I have to do an UNPAID fulltime internship next semester, meaning I will have absolutely no income expect the 250 bucks I will earn over spring break. Which means that I need to use the money my parents gave me, and the money that I am earning over christmas break to live off of next semester. I tried explaining this to my boyfriend, but he disagrees with me and says he needs his money to live off of too. I told him that the money I am earning is not "play money" but that I need to save it. Actually when we aren't fighting he has actually agreed that I should be saving it. Again, he's contradicitng himself.

 

Also, I am beginning to see that he does resent that he pays for everything and although he says he does it out of love, it's beginning to seem as though he is doing it out of obligation. I don't want that.

[Lauriebell82]

LB - I just read this:

 

While the monetary aspect of this argument is prevalent, I feel there is an underlying issue with your BF feeling taken for granted (his own words). Perhaps he feels like you expect too much - from something as little as paying for the toll booth, to buying you the ring you want for Christmas - and no longer place any value on what he does do for you. "He has money, he should be paying." That seems to be your attitude.

 

And like some of the other posters, I'm having a hard time believing you're really impoverished. At one point in college, I was making about $13,000 before taxes (which are like nil at that income level, plus you get the education credit!). On that income, I managed to go on vacations, party at clubs, go out to dinner with friends, and shop...a lot. In addition, your parents are "well off." If you needed money for dinner, they'd give it to you. Your BF doesn't have that option.

 

Your BF isn't innocent when it comes to the issues in your relationship, but you're equally liable here due to your expectations and assumptions about the way your BF should be doing everything you want him to.

 

No, my parents won't give me money for dinners out. The agreement is that they will pay my apartment and tuition bills, everything else is my responsibility. After car insurance, gas, food, and household items, I'm pretty much tapped out by the end of the month. My boyfriend on the other hand, is not tapped out, and he knows this. So from my perspective it's not that I expect him to pay, but it's just the economical situation that he can afford to pay to go out more often than I can. It's just the facts.

[Trialbyfire]

To clarify I'm not hoarding my money. I have to do an UNPAID fulltime internship next semester, meaning I will have absolutely no income expect the 250 bucks I will earn over spring break. Which means that I need to use the money my parents gave me, and the money that I am earning over christmas break to live off of next semester. I tried explaining this to my boyfriend, but he disagrees with me and says he needs his money to live off of too. I told him that the money I am earning is not "play money" but that I need to save it. Actually when we aren't fighting he has actually agreed that I should be saving it. Again, he's contradicitng himself.

 

Also, I am beginning to see that he does resent that he pays for everything and although he says he does it out of love, it's beginning to seem as though he is doing it out of obligation. I don't want that.

This is a recurring theme with your b/f. He thinks he's being taken advantage of, so don't. The next time that he wants to go for dinner, tell him that you'll pay for groceries and he can make you dinner or the reverse, thereof. It can also be fun if the two of you make dinner together.

 

Btw, $50K isn't all that much money to live off of, if you go out for dinner a lot and don't outright own your own home. He's currently living beyond his means, not too bright for a CPA, IMO.

[Lauriebell82]

This is a recurring theme with your b/f. He thinks he's being taken advantage of, so don't. The next time that he wants to go for dinner, tell him that you'll pay for groceries and he can make you dinner or the reverse, thereof. It can also be fun if the two of you make dinner together.

 

Btw, $50K isn't all that much money to live off of, if you go out for dinner a lot and don't outright own your own home. He's currently living beyond his means, not too bright for a CPA, IMO.

 

Well, since he got his new job he invested a lot of money in the stock market..like 4 grand. So I don't feel sorry for him that he is running out of money. And going out to dinner all the time in my opinion is a waste of money. And he has said "well I made a lot of money this month, so 60 bucks isn't really that much."

 

I think he is beginning to realize that he is spending too much, and investing too much, which is why he is starting to give me a hard time about not being able to pay.