Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 When I get overwhelmed or have too much on my plate I don't do well in school. Being stressed out and too busy, makes me overwhelmed, so I make the decision not to do that to myself. That's great that other people are able to do both, but I find it challenging and hard so I choose not to. And as far as the income, it varies every year like I said..so mostly that was just a rough guesstamate on my part. Sorry for the confusion though. Yes! Focus on school! I was one of those stupid people who thought that I could do both at the same time. I did it... and I did pretty well. However, I would have done way better if I had focused on school! So, don't listen to fools. You are doing the right thing focusing on school at the moment.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Ok, I'm officially confused now. We need the real down and dirty TRUTH here if we're to help, Laurie. So he never actually called you a name? He sometimes yells. And you yell at each other. I feel like I'm not getting the real picture here. I just don't know now. I'll tell you one thing though. I'd never in a million years agree to that nonsense about asking him to pay for things. That was the weirdest thing ever. It's a control thing for sure. Now, I'm not sure if he's really an abuser or not, based on what you're saying now, but he sure has controlling tendencies. Who wants THAT? I hope you have more pride than to take him up on that outrageous request of his. What's even the point of it? I don't get it. So he'll pay anyway but you have to ASK him? What? Weird. Weird and controlling. He has called me names when we fight (not every fight, but sometimes)..which is wrong. He knows it, said he wouldn't do it again because he knows it hurts me..he seemed sincere so we'll see. The abuser thing I'm not sure of, the controlling thing I am sure of. And I don't like it. I will never ask him to pay for something for me EVER. I actually don't understand that request myself. Here's another scenerio: [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Scenario 2[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]BAD[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Action: I take you out to a fancy dinner and pay $100. The weekend before that, I take you out to dinner, etc. All in all, I spend a great deal of money on you. At the dinner, you give me $7 so I can tip the valet. I tell you I’ll pay you back.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The next day, you: “Don’t forget to pay me back that $7.”[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Me: “Hey, can you give me a break on it?”[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]You: “No.”[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Me: “Why not?”[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]You: “You have a full time job, I don’t.”[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]WHY: [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars on you, and you can’t give me a break on $7? In my mind, that’s a double standard of generosity. I understand that you don’t have a job and $7 is a lot for you. However, you can afford $7. Just like the $100 I spend on our dinner was a lot for me, I could afford it. I was generous and paid the $100 meal. You weren’t generous in giving me a break over the $7. There’s a generosity double standard.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]GOOD:[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The next day, you: “Don’t forget to pay me back that $7.”[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Me: “Hey, can you give me a break on it?”[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]You: “Sure.”[/sIZE][/FONT]
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Like I said, he resents the fact that my parents are well off and his aren't. His parents didn't get him very much for Christmas, so I think he was jealous of my Christmas money. It's weird that he will say how much he loves treating me and how spending 50 bucks at the olive garden isn't that big of a deal, but then later gives me a hard time about me not being "as generous as him" In what ways are you generous? I am not referring to money.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'll tell you one thing though. I'd never in a million years agree to that nonsense about asking him to pay for things. That was the weirdest thing ever. It's a control thing for sure. Now, I'm not sure if he's really an abuser or not, based on what you're saying now, but he sure has controlling tendencies. Who wants THAT? I hope you have more pride than to take him up on that outrageous request of his. What's even the point of it? I don't get it. So he'll pay anyway but you have to ASK him? What? Weird. Weird and controlling. Not control... respect! You should be old enough to tell the difference. And your right... she shouldnt have to agree to it... she should have been doing that already of her own free will. What do you mean he resents my attitude? I've told him that sometimes I don't realize how lucky I am, but I'm sorry he hated the fact that I got that money. The whole attitude that you portray of him gives me the picture that he is making these choices out of fear. He fears that you take him for granted, that you expect him to be like your parents. How different is your background from his in this respect? That is part of it at least.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Ok, now you're saying he does call you names. I need to know exactly, EXACTLY what names he's called you. If he said you're a spoiled brat, or you're selfish or you're being unreasonable...in my mind, that just doesn't fall under an abusive category. Some might disagree. But I don't think of that as "name-calling." So what exactly does he sometimes say? Also, the whole bit about the $7. I don't know what to say, Laurie. First of all,I can't believe you asked for that money back. I'm appalled. That's just wrong. But in fairness to you, I think it's weird that he would take it in the first place. You're both pretty immature I'm sorry to say. Personally, I would never feel comfortable, no matter what my situation, having a man take me out each and every time without my reciprocating. I just never have been comfortable with that. Do you cook him meals at least? That's cheaper than going out. Really I don't blame him about the $7. Shame on you. But shame on him too for taking it. Wow. You two really need to sit down and talk about expectations here.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Not control... respect! You should be old enough to tell the difference. And your right... she shouldnt have to agree to it... she should have been doing that already of her own free will. Were you addressing that to me, Cobra? Because if you were then you should be old enough to know that they go hand in hand. Different sides of the same coin so to speak. Don't you see that having to have control and being controlling is not respectful? Why are you arguing semantics with me? Can we please stay on topic here? We're trying to help Laurie, remember? The whole attitude that you portray of him gives me the picture that he is making these choices out of fear. He fears that you take him for granted, that you expect him to be like your parents. How different is your background from his in this respect? That is part of it at least. .................................
hotgurl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Ok, now you're saying he does call you names. I need to know exactly, EXACTLY what names he's called you. If he said you're a spoiled brat, or you're selfish or you're being unreasonable...in my mind, that just doesn't fall under an abusive category. Some might disagree. But I don't think of that as "name-calling." So what exactly does he sometimes say? Also, the whole bit about the $7. I don't know what to say, Laurie. First of all,I can't believe you asked for that money back. I'm appalled. That's just wrong. But in fairness to you, I think it's weird that he would take it in the first place. You're both pretty immature I'm sorry to say. Personally, I would never feel comfortable, no matter what my situation, having a man take me out each and every time without my reciprocating. I just never have been comfortable with that. Do you cook him meals at least? That's cheaper than going out. Really I don't blame him about the $7. Shame on you. But shame on him too for taking it. Wow. You two really need to sit down and talk about expectations here. I don't think shame on him for taking $7. I don't think it is about the money. I think it is about her apprecaiting him and having a generous spirt. Sometimes I will tip if my BF takes me out to dinner. And when we were dating I couldn't afford fancy dinner so I would make him dinners and we would eat by candle light. This whoel situation sounds kinda funky.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Ok, now you're saying he does call you names. I need to know exactly, EXACTLY what names he's called you. If he said you're a spoiled brat, or you're selfish or you're being unreasonable...in my mind, that just doesn't fall under an abusive category. Some might disagree. But I don't think of that as "name-calling." So what exactly does he sometimes say? Also, the whole bit about the $7. I don't know what to say, Laurie. First of all,I can't believe you asked for that money back. I'm appalled. That's just wrong. But in fairness to you, I think it's weird that he would take it in the first place. You're both pretty immature I'm sorry to say. Personally, I would never feel comfortable, no matter what my situation, having a man take me out each and every time without my reciprocating. I just never have been comfortable with that. Do you cook him meals at least? That's cheaper than going out. Really I don't blame him about the $7. Shame on you. But shame on him too for taking it. Wow. You two really need to sit down and talk about expectations here. It was on my birthday that he took me out to dinner and asked for the $7 because he didn't have any cash. He said "I know it's your birthday and I want to pay for parking and tip the valet but we don't have time to run to the ATM, so I will pay you back tommorrow." He conviently left that out of the little scenerio. I needed the cash to buy food the next day at work, and didn't want to have to take more out. Sorry, but as a student every little bit of money helps me.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 One more thing, Cobra...WTF? You said LB should already be asking her b/f to pay for things on her own free will? WHAT? No. Absolutely not. She should NEVER be asking him to pay for things, EVER. Wow.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Really I don't blame him about the $7. Shame on you. But shame on him too for taking it. Wow. You two really need to sit down and talk about expectations here. People usually tip valet's in cash. I rarely carry cash... It is VERY irritating to have to take time from my schedule go to an ATM. So if the valet was an unexpected expense... I can understand taking the $7, and not wanting to waste an hour of my day driving to the bank.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I don't think shame on him for taking $7. I don't think it is about the money. I think it is about her apprecaiting him and having a generous spirt. Sometimes I will tip if my BF takes me out to dinner. And when we were dating I couldn't afford fancy dinner so I would make him dinners and we would eat by candle light. This whoel situation sounds kinda funky. It was my birthday dinner though, thats why he offered to pay me back. And I think the reason that I got pissed was because one time I borrowed money from him he constantly reminds me that I owe him money. And one time I asked him to give me a break on paying it back and he got pissed. He's such a hypocrit.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 People usually tip valet's in cash. I rarely carry cash... It is VERY irritating to have to take time from my schedule go to an ATM. So if the valet was an unexpected expense... I can understand taking the $7, and not wanting to waste an hour of my day driving to the bank. I also suggested taking the incline ahead of time before my birthday so that we didn't even have to pay for parking or a valet, but he said he didn't want to and that he would pay for it..then bums the money off me.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 One more thing, Cobra...WTF? You said LB should already be asking her b/f to pay for things on her own free will? WHAT? No. Absolutely not. She should NEVER be asking him to pay for things, EVER. Wow. Dang it! Ok, yes control and respect are like yin and yang. You do not control someone you respect and vice versa. If I remember the OP correctly his request was that she ask if he is "comfortable" paying for something before requesting it. So... I think we are talking about seperate issues here. My apologies, I did'nt follow your train of thought well.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 It was on my birthday that he took me out to dinner and asked for the $7 because he didn't have any cash. He said "I know it's your birthday and I want to pay for parking and tip the valet but we don't have time to run to the ATM, so I will pay you back tommorrow." He conviently left that out of the little scenerio. I needed the cash to buy food the next day at work, and didn't want to have to take more out. Sorry, but as a student every little bit of money helps me. I'm about ready to give up here. You keep leaving stuff out. We need the full picture. Ok, so you filled in the blanks here. Personally, I still would have let the $7 go. Two wrongs don't make a right. And yes, I do think he was wrong here. He should have just taken you somewhere else where you didn't have to shell out anything on your birthday. As for the name-calling. You still haven't answered that question. And what about cooking him dinner? Or sometimes taking him out. Do you do more than just SAY you appreciate what he does for you? Do you reciprocate in a real way?
hotgurl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 It was my birthday dinner though, thats why he offered to pay me back. And I think the reason that I got pissed was because one time I borrowed money from him he constantly reminds me that I owe him money. And one time I asked him to give me a break on paying it back and he got pissed. He's such a hypocrit. yes that was wrong on his part but you should have been gracious and just let it go. Considering how much he takes you out letting $7 go would have been the nice thing to do. But overall I am havign a hard time with this thread because the facts are changing and it is diffcult to give advice.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Dang it! Ok, yes control and respect are like yin and yang. You do not control someone you respect and vice versa. If I remember the OP correctly his request was that she ask if he is "comfortable" paying for something before requesting it. So... I think we are talking about seperate issues here. My apologies, I did'nt follow your train of thought well. It's ok. Seriously, don't worry about it. I'm usually not this confused on these types of issues but I am here. It's getting really muddled and just confusing. Bottom line though I think is that the two of them don't communicate well. The b/f is what's called a "Score Keeper." Very bad. Unless you both sit down and talk about your true expectations of each other, without yelling and name-calling, you don't have a fighting chance at a good relationship. It's really that simple.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I needed the cash to buy food the next day at work, and didn't want to have to take more out. Sorry, but as a student every little bit of money helps me. But you're BUYING lunch out at work instead of bringing a lunch? I can't afford to do that every day. If you're buying lunch out during your work day, you can't be THAT broke.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 It was my birthday dinner though, thats why he offered to pay me back. And I think the reason that I got pissed was because one time I borrowed money from him he constantly reminds me that I owe him money. And one time I asked him to give me a break on paying it back and he got pissed. He's such a hypocrit. You two need to iron this out quick. Money problems never go away. They just get bigger. What I'm trying to explain to you... is that you both feel like the other is trying to take advantage of you. If you stopped working against each other and started working together... things will be much smoother. Also, he needs to leave his job at home. Keeping a running tab does neither of you any good! It doesnt have to be exact to be fair.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I'm about ready to give up here. You keep leaving stuff out. We need the full picture. Ok, so you filled in the blanks here. Personally, I still would have let the $7 go. Two wrongs don't make a right. And yes, I do think he was wrong here. He should have just taken you somewhere else where you didn't have to shell out anything on your birthday. As for the name-calling. You still haven't answered that question. And what about cooking him dinner? Or sometimes taking him out. Do you do more than just SAY you appreciate what he does for you? Do you reciprocate in a real way? Sorry guys, I'm starting to feel ganged up on and am starting to defend my actions which is causing confusion. I'm going to stop doing that. Ok the names: He has called me a selfish, spoiled brat. He has said I was acting like a bitch, but never outwardly called me a bitch. He has never called me anything like a slut, whore, skank, freak, ugly, fat, ect. He has called me names yes, but nothing so slandering as those listed above. Hope that helps you guys. Yeah I do cook him dinner when I am staying here. I take him out to dinner every so often when I have the money to somewhere that I can afford. I do other nice things for him aside from spending money, such as straighten his apartment, help with dishes, pick up some things he needs. So I really do think I contribute to our relationship..and I appreciative of the things he does for me as well.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 People usually tip valet's in cash. I rarely carry cash... It is VERY irritating to have to take time from my schedule go to an ATM. So if the valet was an unexpected expense... I can understand taking the $7, and not wanting to waste an hour of my day driving to the bank. How is a valet an "unexpected expense?" Do they hold a gun to your head? You can choose to not use the valet service. So if you take someone out and there's valet are you saying you have to use it? And then what? You ask your date to pay for it? Okie, dokie.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 But you're BUYING lunch out at work instead of bringing a lunch? I can't afford to do that every day. If you're buying lunch out during your work day, you can't be THAT broke. I bring what I can, but sometimes have to buy something. I work in a grocery store, so it's kind of difficult to bring food with you because there isn't anywhere to keep a lunch or anything cold. The grocery store is crappy, they want their employees to buy things. I always try to get something cheap though, like a $0.79 drink or something.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 How is a valet an "unexpected expense?" Do they hold a gun to your head? You can choose to not use the valet service. So if you take someone out and there's valet are you saying you have to use it? And then what? You ask your date to pay for it? Okie, dokie. Thats what I got pissed about. I suggested we not even use a freaking valet and that we just self park or take the incline for free. But no, he wanted to have a valet park the car and have me pay for it. Thats why I was pissed when he didn't want to pay me back.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 It's ok. Seriously, don't worry about it. I'm usually not this confused on these types of issues but I am here. It's getting really muddled and just confusing. Bottom line though I think is that the two of them don't communicate well. The b/f is what's called a "Score Keeper." Very bad. Unless you both sit down and talk about your true expectations of each other, without yelling and name-calling, you don't have a fighting chance at a good relationship. It's really that simple. Dude, he is a CPA... he is going to naturally be a score keeper... that's what he is trained to do professionally. Your assessment however is spot on! They both need to stop bieng selfish. SHOW him that you take his feelings and his situation into consideration. Even if that means doing something that isnt in your own best interest. Do that for a month and if the guy doesnt respond in kind... then he is simply a selfish jerk and not worth the effort.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Dude, he is a CPA... he is going to naturally be a score keeper... that's what he is trained to do professionally. Your assessment however is spot on! They both need to stop bieng selfish. SHOW him that you take his feelings and his situation into consideration. Even if that means doing something that isnt in your own best interest. Do that for a month and if the guy doesnt respond in kind... then he is simply a selfish jerk and not worth the effort. Do what for a month? Sorry I refuse to ask my boyfriend to pay for something for me like some poor destitute homeless person. If he wants to take me out fine, but Im not going to expect it, and if he offers to pay great, if he suggest something but doesn't offer I'm going to say that we should just not go out if I don't have money for it.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Thats what I got pissed about. I suggested we not even use a freaking valet and that we just self park or take the incline for free. But no, he wanted to have a valet park the car and have me pay for it. Thats why I was pissed when he didn't want to pay me back. I agree, that was ridiculous - and a frivolous waste of money.
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