Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Exactly. And Laurie, yes you are making excuses for him because you love him. I just want you to be aware that many times this is how it starts and it gets worse. Just be aware. I'm not saying what you should do, but knowing what I know now, I'd run. But that's me. Been there, done that. We all have to learn our lessons in life our way. You seem like a really sweet girl and I'd hate to see you get hurt. The letter he sent you, the weird request, the name-calling all point to ONE thing as far as I'm concerned. And you know. I wonder if he was trying to make you think you were getting an engagement ring over xmas. That whole thing was really weird to me too. He has a little mean streak that I don't think you've really fully seen. How long have you been with him? I'd bet it's less than 3 years. A year and 4 months.
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Stop trying to make her feel like she is rich and wasting money hand over foot when she has done nothing wrong.. She isn't.. She is basically scrapping by.. he on the other hand is making 50k a year and putting money away into his 401-k. She does not even know how much she earns nor what her tax liability is. Given that she is not capale of accurately representing her own financial situation, why should we think she can accurately represent her bf's? She keeps saying that he says he has bills and debts but that she "knows" he has plenty of money to spend. Also, since when did being in grad school make a person incapable of earning money? If she's scrapping by, it's by choice, no? In any case, it seems that there are bigger issues here. If her bf is indeed abusive, then she should get out. If she's not sure, she should at least back up, as curious is saying. Continuing forward in a toxic r/s and just hoping that things will magically get better (once we're married, once the baby comes, once...) is a recipe for disaster.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 He's not an abuser. I actually would never be with anyone who abused me. And I know name calling isn't right, and I'm not trying to justify his actions but I think everyone gets pissed off and says things they don't mean. Crap, it sounds like I'm making excuses for him..ugh. I just wanted to say one more thing because you are with an abuser and you are making excuses. The next step will be "Oh, he just pushed/shoved me. He didn't hit me or anything. Everyone does that once in a while when they're pissed." Yes, that's how it goes. It can take years before he reaches the point, if he hasn't already, where he pushes you or shoves you. But it's looking like he sure has that in him. And no, not everyone calls the person they love names when they're pissed off. Please don't think that's a normal part of a relationship. It's not.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 She does not even know how much she earns nor what her tax liability is. Given that she is not capale of accurately representing her own financial situation, why should we think she can accurately represent her bf's? She keeps saying that he says he has bills and debts but that she "knows" he has plenty of money to spend. Also, since when did being in grad school make a person incapable of earning money? If she's scrapping by, it's by choice, no? In any case, it seems that there are bigger issues here. If her bf is indeed abusive, then she should get out. If she's not sure, she should at least back up, as curious is saying. Continuing forward in a toxic r/s and just hoping that things will magically get better (once we're married, once the baby comes, once...) is a recipe for disaster. Wait a sec, I know my own financial situation. I have enough to live off of, and very little extra. My course work is hard, and I don't have a full time job. I could have one, but I prefer to have less money to go out and concentrate more on studies than trying to maintain a full time job and full time course load. It is by choice that I work part time, I'd rather do better in school and have less spending money..and I'm ok with that, my bf apparently isn't. And I do know that he has extra money..maybe he's not extremly rich but he has more extra money than I do, therefore can afford to pay more often than I can.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 A year and 4 months. Thought so. Three years tops and you'll absolutely see more signs of abuse and control, unless he gets help. Write this down. I'm sure about this. I'm seeing the same signs in your b/f that I saw at first in my ex-husband. I was such a fool. Hope you're not as big a fool as I was. This is why I'm not concerned about this money issue. That's just the tip of the iceberg. It's not the real issue but only a symptom.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I just wanted to say one more thing because you are with an abuser and you are making excuses. The next step will be "Oh, he just pushed/shoved me. He didn't hit me or anything. Everyone does that once in a while when they're pissed." Yes, that's how it goes. It can take years before he reaches the point, if he hasn't already, where he pushes you or shoves you. But it's looking like he sure has that in him. And no, not everyone calls the person they love names when they're pissed off. Please don't think that's a normal part of a relationship. It's not. He's never laid a hand on me. If he ever did, I would dump him on the spot. Name calling is wrong, he knows it. Maybe I'm dumb to give him a chance, but I'm already starting to get uneasy about the relationship since all this happened, so if it continues I am going to leave. For the record he never has called me a bi*tch. Calling me a spoiled brat wasn't right either though.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 A BF making over 50k a year Bitches that his GF who makes nothing spends all her money on crap and needs to pay more of her way is an ASS. He has to pay student loans, which are WAY expensive monthly, and her parents pay for everything but her food and gas. It's not like she's broke, and it's not like he's got money to burn. But I do agree that he is dealing with it in an assenine manner.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 She does not even know how much she earns nor what her tax liability is. Given that she is not capale of accurately representing her own financial situation, why should we think she can accurately represent her bf's? She keeps saying that he says he has bills and debts but that she "knows" he has plenty of money to spend. Also, since when did being in grad school make a person incapable of earning money? If she's scrapping by, it's by choice, no? In any case, it seems that there are bigger issues here. If her bf is indeed abusive, then she should get out. If she's not sure, she should at least back up, as curious is saying. Continuing forward in a toxic r/s and just hoping that things will magically get better (once we're married, once the baby comes, once...) is a recipe for disaster. Yup. My boyfriend's 22 year old son is going to school AND working full time AND pays his own rent, utilities, gas, tuition, books, food, etc. And he manages to go out and spend money on himself.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Yup. My boyfriend's 22 year old son is going to school AND working full time AND pays his own rent, utilities, gas, tuition, books, food, etc. And he manages to go out and spend money on himself. Well, like I said I made a choice not to work full time. It's stressful for me, and I'd rather do better in school. It's great for other people who can work full time and have extra money, but that is not my situation. I made a choice not to have a lot of money to go out to dinner and it's something I have to deal with. I don't like my boyfriend's attitude about the issue however, and this is where we clash.
norajane Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 He's not an abuser. I actually would never be with anyone who abused me. And I know name calling isn't right, and I'm not trying to justify his actions but I think everyone gets pissed off and says things they don't mean. Crap, it sounds like I'm making excuses for him..ugh. LB, I've been dating for 20 years and never once - NOT ONCE - has any man that I've ever been with, whether as a bf or something more casual, called me a name. NEVER. Not during fights, not ever. That you consider it normal and that 'everyone' gets pissed off and calls their gf a bitch or whatnot is not right.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Is that the worst thing he's called you? A spoiled brat? Hmmmm. Has he ever called you worse? Does he yell at you or ever punch things? Let me ask you this. Do you act appreciative when he takes you out or do you act like you expect it? I don't know. I'm now trying to play devil's advocate here. I still think there are red flags here though.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 LB, I've been dating for 20 years and never once - NOT ONCE - has any man that I've ever been with, whether as a bf or something more casual, called me a name. NEVER. Not during fights, not ever. That you consider it normal and that 'everyone' gets pissed off and calls their gf a bitch or whatnot is not right. He doesn't call me a bitch..he has never called me that ever. He called me a spoiled brat in our big fight and other things that he threw back in my face..doesn't make that right though and he knows it. I don't consider it normal, actually in my other relationships no man has called me names, but have said things that they didn't mean while arguing. That's more what I meant, not so much the name calling.
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Wait a sec, I know my own financial situation. I have enough to live off of, and very little extra. My course work is hard, and I don't have a full time job. I could have one, but I prefer to have less money to go out and concentrate more on studies than trying to maintain a full time job and full time course load. It is by choice that I work part time, I'd rather do better in school and have less spending money..and I'm ok with that, my bf apparently isn't. And I do know that he has extra money..maybe he's not extremly rich but he has more extra money than I do, therefore can afford to pay more often than I can. In this thread you first stated that your income was $15000/year and then later declared it to be $7000. This strongly suggests that you do not know your own sitaution, which is why I question how you can know your bf's with such accuracy. As for the decision not to earn more, this is your choice, however, you create a false dilemma when you claim that you can either work less and do better in school or work more and not do as well. Plenty of people -- myself included -- have gone to grad school while working fulltime and managed to do well both professionally and academically.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Is that the worst thing he's called you? A spoiled brat? Hmmmm. Has he ever called you worse? Does he yell at you or ever punch things? Let me ask you this. Do you act appreciative when he takes you out or do you act like you expect it? I don't know. I'm now trying to play devil's advocate here. I still think there are red flags here though. He's never called me anything REAL horrible..mainly he throws things back in my face. I think he has called me selfish before, but never anything horribly offensive and degrading..but still doesn't make any kind of name calling right. And I am always very appreciative of things that he does for me..I thank him repeatedly. He has yelled, but does try not to yell during arguments, as do I. We generally argue without yelling. He has never punched anything.
norajane Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 He's never laid a hand on me. If he ever did, I would dump him on the spot. Name calling is wrong, he knows it. Maybe I'm dumb to give him a chance, but I'm already starting to get uneasy about the relationship since all this happened, so if it continues I am going to leave. For the record he never has called me a bi*tch. Calling me a spoiled brat wasn't right either though. LB, you are rewriting history. You posted this on Christmas Day: What I really hate is that when he is pissed he likes to call me names, like being a brat, and being a bitch and stuff. I never call him names when we fight because I know it's hurtful. I like to fight fair, and I told him that. He said he would try harder. Please don't minimize how hurtful his behavior is to you. You really need to pay attention to this.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 In this thread you first stated that your income was $15000/year and then later declared it to be $7000. This strongly suggests that you do not know your own sitaution, which is why I question how you can know your bf's with such accuracy. As for the decision not to earn more, this is your choice, however, you create a false dilemma when you claim that you can either work less and do better in school or work more and not do as well. Plenty of people -- myself included -- have gone to grad school while working fulltime and managed to do well both professionally and academically. When I get overwhelmed or have too much on my plate I don't do well in school. Being stressed out and too busy, makes me overwhelmed, so I make the decision not to do that to myself. That's great that other people are able to do both, but I find it challenging and hard so I choose not to. And as far as the income, it varies every year like I said..so mostly that was just a rough guesstamate on my part. Sorry for the confusion though.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 LB, you are rewriting history. You posted this on Christmas Day: Please don't minimize how hurtful his behavior is to you. You really need to pay attention to this. Oh, he said I was acting bitchy..which is still name calling I suppose. He has never outwardly called me a bitch though.
allina Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 People saying that at 15K a year she should be making enough to spend regularly on dates must be nuts! LB your bf sounds so greedy, like he wants to get his paws all over the $500 gift your parents gave you. I have a hard time understanding what his issue is but this sounds ugly. He's calling you names because you won't give him a part of the $500 which he feels entitled to He should love you more than he loves money and control. He's saying he wants to marry you but b*tches and moans because he spend $30 at the Olive Garden? Also I hope that you don't move in to the condo he buys, I cannot even imagine the crap he'd pull then.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 He doesn't call me a bitch..he has never called me that ever. He called me a spoiled brat in our big fight and other things that he threw back in my face..doesn't make that right though and he knows it. I don't consider it normal, actually in my other relationships no man has called me names, but have said things that they didn't mean while arguing. That's more what I meant, not so much the name calling. Touche had a really good question there. Do you act appreciative of what he does and pays for... or do you expect it? I really understand where your BF is coming from on this. I think he is digging in and seems stubborn and angry because he doesnt feel you care about his side of the story. Also, I doubt he resents the fact that your family has money... so much as he resents your attitude about it. Understand the difference?
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 You need to step back and reevaluate things.. Get a better grip on how you feel about everything... In the end you may feel that you would be better off without him and the relationship isn't worth the hassle or You may feel that things are just out of control right now and once you regain your center things will be better.. Either way you should communicate with him how you feel ( after some hard thinking ) and maybe things will be clearer to you.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 People saying that at 15K a year she should be making enough to spend regularly on dates must be nuts! LB your bf sounds so greedy, like he wants to get his paws all over the $500 gift your parents gave you. I have a hard time understanding what his issue is but this sounds ugly. He's calling you names because you won't give him a part of the $500 which he feels entitled to He should love you more than he loves money and control. He's saying he wants to marry you but b*tches and moans because he spend $30 at the Olive Garden? Also I hope that you don't move in to the condo he buys, I cannot even imagine the crap he'd pull then. Like I said, he resents the fact that my parents are well off and his aren't. His parents didn't get him very much for Christmas, so I think he was jealous of my Christmas money. It's weird that he will say how much he loves treating me and how spending 50 bucks at the olive garden isn't that big of a deal, but then later gives me a hard time about me not being "as generous as him"
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Touche had a really good question there. Do you act appreciative of what he does and pays for... or do you expect it? I really understand where your BF is coming from on this. I think he is digging in and seems stubborn and angry because he doesnt feel you care about his side of the story. Also, I doubt he resents the fact that your family has money... so much as he resents your attitude about it. Understand the difference? I don't expect it at all!!! It's not like I ask him to take me out..it's his idea nd he offers because he says he loves me. And I'm always very appreciative. What do you mean he resents my attitude? I've told him that sometimes I don't realize how lucky I am, but I'm sorry he hated the fact that I got that money.
allina Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Like I said, he resents the fact that my parents are well off and his aren't. His parents didn't get him very much for Christmas, so I think he was jealous of my Christmas money. It's weird that he will say how much he loves treating me and how spending 50 bucks at the olive garden isn't that big of a deal, but then later gives me a hard time about me not being "as generous as him" His parents and your parents financial situations are out of your control. As a grown man he should be aware of that instead of flipping out on you because you got more for Christmas.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Ok, I'm officially confused now. We need the real down and dirty TRUTH here if we're to help, Laurie. So he never actually called you a name? He sometimes yells. And you yell at each other. I feel like I'm not getting the real picture here. I just don't know now. I'll tell you one thing though. I'd never in a million years agree to that nonsense about asking him to pay for things. That was the weirdest thing ever. It's a control thing for sure. Now, I'm not sure if he's really an abuser or not, based on what you're saying now, but he sure has controlling tendencies. Who wants THAT? I hope you have more pride than to take him up on that outrageous request of his. What's even the point of it? I don't get it. So he'll pay anyway but you have to ASK him? What? Weird. Weird and controlling.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 People saying that at 15K a year she should be making enough to spend regularly on dates must be nuts! LB your bf sounds so greedy, like he wants to get his paws all over the $500 gift your parents gave you. I have a hard time understanding what his issue is but this sounds ugly. He's calling you names because you won't give him a part of the $500 which he feels entitled to He should love you more than he loves money and control. He's saying he wants to marry you but b*tches and moans because he spend $30 at the Olive Garden? Also I hope that you don't move in to the condo he buys, I cannot even imagine the crap he'd pull then. Her parents pay her tuition AND her rent and utilities.
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