curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 LB - Since you have been a student your whole life, you may not realize that someone earning $50K and 100% on their own (meaning they must pay rent, etc) generally will have far less disposable income that you do, making only $15K a year. My sister earns over $85K a year, and I still subsidize her so she can afford her NYC apartment. Money just doesn't go as far as you think! Sounds to me like you might have an artifically inflated expectation of what your b/f can and cannot afford. Having said that - I believe he is the one that insisted you spend every evening during your break with him (if I recall correctly) - so if that means you two go out every night, you two need to agree ahead of time if it is his treat or dutch. Since he likes to go out most nights, and appears to expect dutch - then I suggest you let him go out with out you. If it seems my answers are all sort of the same, it is because I am consistent - I don't think you two are ready for being together 24X7.
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Not necessarily true since her parents are paying her tuition and rent they can likely still claim her on their taxes, so she cannot necessarily take all the exemptions. She said, "I declare single." That is the filing status I based my numbers on. I don't know about you, but it's hard for me to keep up with how the facts change ever so subtly from one post to another.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 That's what you said in your OP. Interesting. Here's my take: First of all, money issues aside, for a minute - you have a bigger issue: The name calling. I think I've mentioned this to you before. THAT'S what you need to worry about, not this money issue. It's a HUGE, HUGE red flag. Marry this guy and I GUARANTEE you that you'll be divorced in less than two years. He's an abuser. He's controlling. I was married to one so I can see it and recognize it. The name-calling coupled with the weird request that you ask him to pay tells me all I need to know. This guy is bad news. If I were you, I would REALLY imagine being without him. This is not likely to get better. I thought Jilly Bean and NoraJane gave excellent advice. Pay heed. We talked about the name calling last night. I told him that I didn't like it and he needs to stop. I told him I refuse to be in a relationship with anyone who makes me feel bad like that, and he said he would really try. Ugh, this is so confusing.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I just did the math here. I work at 2 different places throughout the year, each taking out a different amount of taxes fro me. I make $1500 over the course of a semester after taxes. During the summer where I work full time takes a ton of taxes out of my pay leaving me with about $900 bucks a month. Over Christmas break I make about $800 bucks. Leaving me with a little over $7,000 after all those taxes are taken out. I do get a tax return but it's like 200 dollars or something like that. So really there isn't much left after paying for gas and food. I spend a fortune in gas driving home throughout the semester to see my boyfriend every other month. That's my highest bill. I would expect you to have a lot withheld from your taxes as you earn, however something is wrong with your tax return. There is simply no way your return should be that low.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I would expect you to have a lot withheld from your taxes as you earn, however something is wrong with your tax return. There is simply no way your return should be that low. It's not the same amount of work every year. Anyway, it's not even a dispute about how much I earn, the fact of the matter is I don't have as much spending money as he does. He knows it too. We actually don't go out every night, but he does suggest going out to dinner every weekend, sometimes twice in one weekend. He offers to pay, but there are times when he asks me if I have money to pay, most of the time I don't. Sometimes I actually will have the money, in which I'll actually offer to treat if I can. It's not as often as he can though.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 And is your lifestyle such that you treat yourself to things that don't involve him at all, like the hair and nails thing, a gym membership, facials, massages, etc? I'm just trying to understand why he's PO'd about the money thing. No response to either of my questions about this...
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I see that she has just revised her earnings downward. Laurie - if you don't really know how much you make, how can you be so certain about what your bf can or cannot afford? In any case, he says the issue is that he feels taken for granted and yes, based on your posts, I can see where you do come across as assuming that he should pay for you, buy you specific gifts, etc., etc. I guess what I am not hearing (and possibly have missed) is what you contribute to the r/s?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 No response to either of my questions about this... Sorry it's hard to reply to eveyrone's posts here. No I don't treat myself to expensive things actually. I work out for free at the school gym, and have a gym membership at home which is like a yearly rate thing for students. I don't get manicures, or facials or anything else along those lines. Actually I spend a ton of money on gas to come home and see my bf!!!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I see that she has just revised her earnings downward. Laurie - if you don't really know how much you make, how can you be so certain about what your bf can or cannot afford? In any case, he says the issue is that he feels taken for granted and yes, based on your posts, I can see where you do come across as assuming that he should pay for you, buy you specific gifts, etc., etc. I guess what I am not hearing (and possibly have missed) is what you contribute to the r/s? I try to help him around his apartment when I stay here, buy him little things he needs like deorderant or paper towels or something. And treat him to dinner or drinks when I do happen to have some extra money. I just can't contribute as much financially as he can.
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 We talked about the name calling last night. I told him that I didn't like it and he needs to stop. I told him I refuse to be in a relationship with anyone who makes me feel bad like that, and he said he would really try. Ugh, this is so confusing. People don't change. He may stop for a few weeks or months, but I can guarantee you that the name calling and controlling behavior will start up again. I agree with the others that you shouldn't marry this guy.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Now I'm more confused here..so people are saying that my boyfriend is justified or that he is a controlling jerk..that's a huge difference.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 We talked about the name calling last night. I told him that I didn't like it and he needs to stop. I told him I refuse to be in a relationship with anyone who makes me feel bad like that, and he said he would really try. Ugh, this is so confusing. But Laurie, you said you spoke to him about that before. "Trying" to stop isn't enough. He has to stop. But you know what? The very fact that it's something he has to try to stop should tell you something. Someone who isn't an abuser doesn't even have the compulsion to call names or to control. I understand your confusion. He can be really great, right? He can treat you like gold and be very generous. But he's still an abuser. And it gets worse. Trust me on that one. My ex could be the best in the world. But the rest sure didn't make up for that and grew worse and worse over time. You really should think about this. If you do, you won't be so confused. It will become very, very clear.
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 A BF making over 50k a year Bitches that his GF who makes nothing spends all her money on crap and needs to pay more of her way is an ASS. Your BF is using money are a power control.. He is your BF. not your husband.. He should be courting you and making you feel special. You are in school.. he is not.. he earns a guaranteed paycheck where you ahve to work side jobs just for gas money. Honestly.. If I were you I would be doing some serious thinking on whether or not this relationship is going where you want it too... Also.. Some food for thought.. I'm not saying anything about your BF that would mean that he abuses you but you might want to look at this link. It is a link to the power control wheel on a domestic abuser... A person ( male or female ) doesn't have to hit to abuse or use power and control over their SO. http://www.dvic.org/Power-and-Control-Wheel.php also look and the NON violence wheel and see which wheel fits your relationship best
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 But Laurie, you said you spoke to him about that before. "Trying" to stop isn't enough. He has to stop. But you know what? The very fact that it's something he has to try to stop should tell you something. Someone who isn't an abuser doesn't even have the compulsion to call names or to control. I understand your confusion. He can be really great, right? He can treat you like gold and be very generous. But he's still an abuser. And it gets worse. Trust me on that one. My ex could be the best in the world. But the rest sure didn't make up for that and grew worse and worse over time. You really should think about this. If you do, you won't be so confused. It will become very, very clear. He's not an abuser. I actually would never be with anyone who abused me. And I know name calling isn't right, and I'm not trying to justify his actions but I think everyone gets pissed off and says things they don't mean. Crap, it sounds like I'm making excuses for him..ugh.
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 He's not an abuser. I actually would never be with anyone who abused me. And I know name calling isn't right, and I'm not trying to justify his actions but I think everyone gets pissed off and says things they don't mean. Crap, it sounds like I'm making excuses for him..ugh. Name calling is abuse Laurie.. it isn't a normal response in a healthy relationship. A person does not have to hit for them to be an abuser..
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Name calling is abuse Laurie.. it isn't a normal response in a healthy relationship. A person does not have to hit for them to be an abuser.. Yeah, I found it on the wheel from your link. Ugh, what am I going to do.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 LB - You are just not getting it. If your tuition, rent and utilities are paid - and you are spending $575 a month, you are living rather well. Most working people I know do not have that much left for food, gas and incidentals at the end of a month. Your b/f's income being at around $50K means he takes home around $40K. With that he has to pay his rent, utilities, student loans, car, insurance, food, clothing, AND you. I can understand why he would feel if you have a little extra (like the $500 present from your parents) you might want to take him out. Especially if you are the one suggesting where to go.
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Yeah, I found it on the wheel from your link. Ugh, what am I going to do. Laurie.. I'm not telling you to dump him.. you have to decide if this is how you want your relationship to be.. You have to look at it and weight the pros and the cons to come up with a determination to whether you should continue with him or not.. How does he spend his 50k?.. Does he allow you any input on how he shuld spend it ?
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Name calling is abuse Laurie.. it isn't a normal response in a healthy relationship. A person does not have to hit for them to be an abuser.. Absolutely. Here's a quiz you can hvae him take... or take for him. http://www.verbalabuse.com/quiz1.shtml
curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Yeah, I found it on the wheel from your link. Ugh, what am I going to do. I HATE repeating myself so much - but here it goes: what you are going to do is take a giant step back and reassess this relationship! I am not confident it should be going where you keep saying it is going. You guys are not ready for 24X7 and you guys are not ready for long term planning! He is controlling and verbally abusive - is that seriously what you want for the rest of your life? Would verbal abuse/name calling be acceptable to your children? What if he did that to them in your future? I'm not saying break up - I'm just asking you to slow it all way the heck down!!!!
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 LB - You are just not getting it. If your tuition, rent and utilities are paid - and you are spending $575 a month, you are living rather well. Most working people I know do not have that much left for food, gas and incidentals at the end of a month. Your b/f's income being at around $50K means he takes home around $40K. With that he has to pay his rent, utilities, student loans, car, insurance, food, clothing, AND you. I can understand why he would feel if you have a little extra (like the $500 present from your parents) you might want to take him out. Especially if you are the one suggesting where to go. Stop trying to make her feel like she is rich and wasting money hand over foot when she has done nothing wrong.. She isn't.. She is basically scrapping by.. he on the other hand is making 50k a year and putting money away into his 401-k. Have you seen the price of Gas ?... I spend almost 600.00 a month on gas myself.. Not including my wife..
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 He's not an abuser. I actually would never be with anyone who abused me. And I know name calling isn't right, and I'm not trying to justify his actions but I think everyone gets pissed off and says things they don't mean. Crap, it sounds like I'm making excuses for him..ugh. Name calling is verbal abuse. I would have dumped your bf the first time the word "bitch" dropped out of his mouth.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Laurie.. I'm not telling you to dump him.. you have to decide if this is how you want your relationship to be.. You have to look at it and weight the pros and the cons to come up with a determination to whether you should continue with him or not.. How does he spend his 50k?.. Does he allow you any input on how he shuld spend it ? What do you mean allow input? He spends most of it on bills, but does have a good bit left over..he actually takes some of his income every month and invests it. So I suppose I may resent him a little bit that he has money to invest but gives me a hard time about not being able to afford to go out to eat.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Name calling is abuse Laurie.. it isn't a normal response in a healthy relationship. A person does not have to hit for them to be an abuser.. Exactly. And Laurie, yes you are making excuses for him because you love him. I just want you to be aware that many times this is how it starts and it gets worse. Just be aware. I'm not saying what you should do, but knowing what I know now, I'd run. But that's me. Been there, done that. We all have to learn our lessons in life our way. You seem like a really sweet girl and I'd hate to see you get hurt. The letter he sent you, the weird request, the name-calling all point to ONE thing as far as I'm concerned. And you know. I wonder if he was trying to make you think you were getting an engagement ring over xmas. That whole thing was really weird to me too. He has a little mean streak that I don't think you've really fully seen. How long have you been with him? I'd bet it's less than 3 years.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Stop trying to make her feel like she is rich and wasting money hand over foot when she has done nothing wrong.. She isn't.. She is basically scrapping by.. he on the other hand is making 50k a year and putting money away into his 401-k. Have you seen the price of Gas ?... I spend almost 600.00 a month on gas myself.. Not including my wife.. I spend a fortune on gas and car insurance. And the irony is that the most money I spend on gas is driving home to see him on the weekends.
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