shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I have to agree with Jilly that your bf sounds very controlling.
norajane Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Food, gas, household items, any car repairs, anything else I need. My parents don't give me extra money for that, they pay rent, utilities, and tuition bill. I live off of the money I earn which leaves me with very little spending money. Oh, I'd make him a little spreadsheet showing my income in, and expenses out for the year. Then I'd suggest he take a good, hard look at that. And then I'd walk out the door telling him that if he expects me to beg him to pay for dates each and every time he wants to go out and I can't afford it, then he can go out without me, permanently, and save himself ALL that extra dinner money. Sorry, but this is just too wrong and controlling.
corazoncito Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Now it's like since I have money he isn't obligated to pay anymore and expects me to pay for things. And now it's his paranoia that I'm hoarding money and trying to stick him with the bill. That's his issue, not mine. Unfortunately, if you are a couple, and you are seriously considering having a life-long committed relationship with him, this issue IS your problem too. You will have to continue to deal with it day-in and day-out until you both find a way to mutually resolve it. I agree that his attitude sucks. I wouldn't want to marry a guy who treats me that way. My husband and I are actually in a very similar financial situation as you two (He has a good job, I just finished grad school and am unemployed), except we are married and live together. The difference is my husband understands my situation and doesn't begrudge me "his" money because we are committed to being together and everything can't always be 50/50. He sees spending some of his salary on me for a dinner out or a vacation as an investment in both of our well-being and happiness in the long-run. His attitude was like this before we got married. You really need to consider why you think your BF's attitude is going to change if and when you get married. You say this is your only real problem, but this is a huge one, and a deal-breaker for many marriages.
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Food, gas, household items, any car repairs, anything else I need. My parents don't give me extra money for that, they pay rent, utilities, and tuition bill. I live off of the money I earn which leaves me with very little spending money. I'm not a CPA, but it seems to me that your expenses are pretty low. Do you really not have the money to treat occasionally, or at least go dutch some of the time? No, Fox and Hound was his idea for New Years. He hadn't offered to pay for me, so I said I would chip in for it. Which I have done before, but only when he has asked me if I could after already offereing. So since he didn't offer to pay, he just had the "idea" I assumed he was going to pay, so therefore I was wrong. Huh? You said in this thread that he's the one aslways asking to go to expensive places. Then you posted his letter, in which he makes it clear that the Fox & Hound was your idea. Now you say that he wrote that letter based on his "idea"? Why are you even contemplating staying with this guy? Surely as a therapist-in-training you can see the red flags?
curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I've got to tell you, having $1,250 a month to spend on food, gas, etc is A LOT of money. I know many working people who don't have anything close to that. In fact I know plenty of people making $50K who don't have that much left after paying bills. When I was in college I had to pay tuition, rent, utilities, food, gas, car insurance (I'm assuming your parents pay that for you) etc making only about $5K more than you have now. While I think his resentment toward your parent's paying your bills is wrong, I actually think he might have a point that you expect him to always pay for you. You could also save up for a nice evening for him every once in a while - no? Overall I just think you guys have very disparate views on what your expectations of each other should be. And it doesn't appear that talking about it is helping at all.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I've got to tell you, having $1,250 a month to spend on food, gas, etc is A LOT of money. I know many working people who don't have anything close to that. In fact I know plenty of people making $50K who don't have that much left after paying bills. When I was in college I had to pay tuition, rent, utilities, food, gas, car insurance (I'm assuming your parents pay that for you) etc making only about $5K more than you have now. While I think his resentment toward your parent's paying your bills is wrong, I actually think he might have a point that you expect him to always pay for you. You could also save up for a nice evening for him every once in a while - no? Overall I just think you guys have very disparate views on what your expectations of each other should be. And it doesn't appear that talking about it is helping at all. I don't make $1250 a month. I make about $375 a month during the semester. I work full time during the summer and during Christmas break which accounts for the other income, however I save that for emergency purposes and to spread out to live of of throughout the semester. So I use about 200 of that a month so my income a month is about $575. And after food, gas, and car insurance (actually I pay that myself) there is only a little bit left. Which I use to buy my bf little presents and take him out to dinner once every couple months. He wants to go out to eat constantly though.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 In our relationship, I pay more. It’s a simple fact. I am working full time, and you aren’t. The list of things I’ve paid for would be huge. I’ve accepted the fact that I am paying more, and often I do it gladly. Sometimes it’s a surprise dinner to the Olive Garden, or a trip to the movies. Sometimes it’s paying for the video rental, or paying the bill at the toll booth. The point is, when I have money, I often spend it on you willingly, because I love you. But now I fear that you are taking me for granted, just as you are taking for granted how your life has been paid for by your parents. It’s the things you say, and the things you do that make me feel this way. No one likes feeling that they are being taken for granted. Here is a list of some things you have said that have upset me, and why, and what you could have said instead: Thats the beginning of the letter, before he gets into the scenerios.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Well you math does not add up. $575 a month totals $6,900 income a year. When I said $1,250 a year I was dividing your stated income of $15,000 by 12, assuming you saved your income from your breaks and spread it evenly through the year. I am not saying that I agree with your b/f here - based on other posts I agree with the others - he is controlling and unreasonable in his expectations of you. Again I would attribute this to immaturity. It does not feel like your b/f is really ready for the type of relationship the two of you are trying to have, which would be one of mutual support. You cannot fix this problem, only he can. At the moment I do not feel he is incented to do so - which is why I suggested you separate a bit. Let him miss you. Once he does it is simple - tell him you cannot afford to spend quite so much time with him - so it's best to limit the time you do spend together to ensure it is quality time, and not time wasted on this stupid bickering, etc. Does that make sense to you?
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I don't make $1250 a month. I make about $375 a month during the semester. I work full time during the summer and during Christmas break which accounts for the other income, however I save that for emergency purposes and to spread out to live of of throughout the semester. So I use about 200 of that a month so my income a month is about $575. And after food, gas, and car insurance (actually I pay that myself) there is only a little bit left. Which I use to buy my bf little presents and take him out to dinner once every couple months. He wants to go out to eat constantly though. This must be the new math. It doesn't matter when you earn it, it still works out that $15K/year is $1250/month.
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 In our relationship, I pay more. It’s a simple fact. I am working full time, and you aren’t. The list of things I’ve paid for would be huge. I’ve accepted the fact that I am paying more, and often I do it gladly. Sometimes it’s a surprise dinner to the Olive Garden, or a trip to the movies. Sometimes it’s paying for the video rental, or paying the bill at the toll booth. The point is, when I have money, I often spend it on you willingly, because I love you. But now I fear that you are taking me for granted, just as you are taking for granted how your life has been paid for by your parents. It’s the things you say, and the things you do that make me feel this way. No one likes feeling that they are being taken for granted. Here is a list of some things you have said that have upset me, and why, and what you could have said instead: Thats the beginning of the letter, before he gets into the scenerios. Actually, this sounds pretty reasonable. The "scenario" you posted did not sit well with me, but this preamble is fine. Is it possible that he has a point? It seems to me that you have a lot invested in being perceived as the impoverished gf who cannot afford to participate fully in the financial aspects of the relationship (yet hints at wanting diamond rings for Christmas).
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I'm talking after taxes guys. I get slammed in taxes because I declare single, so after taxes it does work out to about $7,000 a year. I make $15,000 a year probably, but thats before taxes.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm sorry, but I have to agree that with your parents paying for rent, utilities, and college, I don't understand where you could possibly spend $15,000 a year and not have some money to spend on nights out with your guy. Hell, I only gross around $34,000 (soon to go up, thank goodness) but manage to pay a mortgage, take care of myself and my 13 year old, gas, groceries, a cell phone, all the utilities including satellite TV and internet, and even have some left for fun. However, I don't get my nails done, only pay for haircuts (not expensive colors or other processing), shop at discount stores for clothes... Not saying it is 'cause I have no way of knowing, but maybe lifestyle is part of the problem. But I'm certainly not saying he is NOT part of the problem, however.
hotgurl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 In our relationship, I pay more. It’s a simple fact. I am working full time, and you aren’t. The list of things I’ve paid for would be huge. I’ve accepted the fact that I am paying more, and often I do it gladly. Sometimes it’s a surprise dinner to the Olive Garden, or a trip to the movies. Sometimes it’s paying for the video rental, or paying the bill at the toll booth. The point is, when I have money, I often spend it on you willingly, because I love you. But now I fear that you are taking me for granted, just as you are taking for granted how your life has been paid for by your parents. It’s the things you say, and the things you do that make me feel this way. No one likes feeling that they are being taken for granted. Here is a list of some things you have said that have upset me, and why, and what you could have said instead: Thats the beginning of the letter, before he gets into the scenerios. who is this guy your dad? He does sound controlling. I personally would be inclined to move away from him. But one point he does have is if he treats you out all the time. Once in a while it might be nice to spring for video rentals and pizza at home. you can afford this and it would eb a nice gesture. While it does suck to always have to say I can't go to xyz because I am broke perhaps you need to start saying it more. But on the other hand seeing the icomes difference he should be more udnerstanding. Overall I think this guy is a controllling jerk.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Actually, this sounds pretty reasonable. The "scenario" you posted did not sit well with me, but this preamble is fine. Is it possible that he has a point? It seems to me that you have a lot invested in being perceived as the impoverished gf who cannot afford to participate fully in the financial aspects of the relationship (yet hints at wanting diamond rings for Christmas). Yeah, the beginning part of the letter was actually fine. It was the sceneros that didn't sit well with me either, because they sort of contradicted what he was saying. As for being the impoverished gf, when he asks me if I have money to pay for something I'm forced to say that I don't, making me out to be this way. That's what bothers me. Grad school is hard for me now, because everyone I know is out of school and working. It's like I'm still in undergraduate school and still broke, but trying to live in a world where everyone has a full time job and a steady income. I've told my boyfriend this several times.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm talking after taxes guys. I get slammed in taxes because I declare single, so after taxes it does work out to about $7,000 a year. I make $15,000 a year probably, but thats before taxes. Woah. I just looked up the tax table, and for a single person making $15,000, your federal taxes are $1,863, not $8,000. I know there is social security and such, but really - I doubt the government is taking more than half your paycheck.
melodymatters Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I REALLY don't like him labeling your behavior as BAD or GOOD, like a little child !!! And the toolbooth ???? He HAS money issues LB, and you are going to have to learn to live with them or let him go. They DON'T change. I have an ex of 6 yrs who never would help with ANY bills, even when he stayed with me in Florida for months on end. Now ? he's living with a banker chick who pays ALL the bills.
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm talking after taxes guys. I get slammed in taxes because I declare single, so after taxes it does work out to about $7,000 a year. I make $15,000 a year probably, but thats before taxes. Laurie, perhaps your bf, as a CPA, can see through this bull**** and that's what's making him angry. There is no way that $15000 gross becomes $7000 net. Here are some numbers for you: $15,000 income -$5350 - standard deduction -$3400 - personal exemption $6250 - taxable income There is no federal tax if your AGI is below $7825. At most, you are paying FICA, which would reduce your income from $15000 to $13853.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 So you are saying that the tax rate for someone making $15,000 a year is 54%? Sorry I don't buy it. The 2006 federal income tax liability for someone making $15,000 was $1,872.50 (755 + 15% for all income over $7,550) - so assuming your state income tax is around 4% that would make your total tax liability $2,472.50. Perhaps you just don't realize how much you spend on stuff? Perhaps what you are spending your money on is something your b/f would feel is superflous? I'm not saying he has the right to dictate how you spend your money - but I am beginning to see his point here.
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Woah. I just looked up the tax table, and for a single person making $15,000, your federal taxes are $1,863, not $8,000. I know there is social security and such, but really - I doubt the government is taking more than half your paycheck. That's assuming she has an AGI of $15000, which means she'd actually have to earn closer to $25000. Once her standard deduction and personal exemption are factored in, she doesn't earn enough to be taxed at all.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 The $15,000 a year varies depending on hours I get..actually it's different every year. Like I said, I do have some money to spare which I try to treat him, and I do. I also help with housework and do nice things for him to contribute to our relationship, because I can't financially spend as much money on going out as he can. But the bottom line is he can treat me way more often than I can treat him, and he's got some issue with it.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 And is your lifestyle such that you treat yourself to things that don't involve him at all, like the hair and nails thing, a gym membership, facials, massages, etc? I'm just trying to understand why he's PO'd about the money thing.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 That's assuming she has an AGI of $15000, which means she'd actually have to earn closer to $25000. Once her standard deduction and personal exemption are factored in, she doesn't earn enough to be taxed at all. Not necessarily true since her parents are paying her tuition and rent they can likely still claim her on their taxes, so she cannot necessarily take all the exemptions.
Touche Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I love him so much and I really imagine being without him, That's what you said in your OP. Interesting. Here's my take: First of all, money issues aside, for a minute - you have a bigger issue: The name calling. I think I've mentioned this to you before. THAT'S what you need to worry about, not this money issue. It's a HUGE, HUGE red flag. Marry this guy and I GUARANTEE you that you'll be divorced in less than two years. He's an abuser. He's controlling. I was married to one so I can see it and recognize it. The name-calling coupled with the weird request that you ask him to pay tells me all I need to know. This guy is bad news. If I were you, I would REALLY imagine being without him. This is not likely to get better. I thought Jilly Bean and NoraJane gave excellent advice. Pay heed.
luvmy2ns Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Not necessarily true since her parents are paying her tuition and rent they can likely still claim her on their taxes, so she cannot necessarily take all the exemptions. Still, without exepmtions, her tax would be only a little over $1,800. The state tax couldn't possibly take half her paycheck. Just isn't gonna happen.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I just did the math here. I work at 2 different places throughout the year, each taking out a different amount of taxes fro me. I make $1500 over the course of a semester after taxes. During the summer where I work full time takes a ton of taxes out of my pay leaving me with about $900 bucks a month. Over Christmas break I make about $800 bucks. Leaving me with a little over $7,000 after all those taxes are taken out. I do get a tax return but it's like 200 dollars or something like that. So really there isn't much left after paying for gas and food. I spend a fortune in gas driving home throughout the semester to see my boyfriend every other month. That's my highest bill.
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