Trialbyfire Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 L_b, it's one thing to be fiscally responsible and another to be fiscally responsible at someone else's expense. This isn't a snark or attack. It's maybe a quick way to illustrate the situation.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 Wow, thanks so much guys. Now that's the kind of advice that I was looking for..constructive ways to utilize change instead of just criticism. I guess I'm a behaviorist in the fact that I like advice that I can put to use. Anyway Sunshinegirl, esp. (but everyone else of course! ) that was a wonderful post. I guess it is hard to see the dynamic from within my own relationship. It's hard because I can't see inside my own relationship in order to find ways to fix it..its a common probably with being a therapist. It's frustrating that I can't counsel myself!! Anyway, I know that it's wrong to expect my boyfreind to pay..he says this is what is making him upset, therefore his controlling penny-pinching behavior starts. And he did say that he does things for me because he loves me, but it's hard when the person can't return generiosity (being me). I think what confuses my boyfriend is the times when I do work full time (during the summer, Christmas break), so he figures I do have money. But during the semester I work all different hours and get different amounts in my paychecks. This makes it difficult to have extra money to spend because I have to hoard my money in order to have enough to live off of and not run out. The 15,000 a year was a total guess..I honestly have never done the math because of my irregular job hours and irregular pay. Mininum wage (yes that's what I make) part time jobs don't pay jack. But like I said, I only have one more semester left, so I'm just going to gut it out. I like the idea of pulling money together for a "going out budget." That's what I was thinking about doing when we start living together. We actually havn't talked about what the money situation is going to be like when I do have a steady income. I told him I would offer to treat more often (which I plan on doing), and I won't have to "hoard" money. Maybe I should ask him about the "going out budget." He'd actually really like that idea.
Touche Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Boy, Laurie you sure better start talking about the money situation when you finish school. You need to talk about this now. This can have the potential to actually break you apart. Why wait for surprises? You really need to hash this out way before you move in together. Seriously. Don't wait.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 5, 2008 Author Posted January 5, 2008 Boy, Laurie you sure better start talking about the money situation when you finish school. You need to talk about this now. This can have the potential to actually break you apart. Why wait for surprises? You really need to hash this out way before you move in together. Seriously. Don't wait. Yeah, I agree. He's never lived with anyone before, so we need to figure out ways of sharing expenses. For those who live/have lived with SO, what kinds of ways did you share expenses?
Touche Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Yeah, I agree. He's never lived with anyone before, so we need to figure out ways of sharing expenses. For those who live/have lived with SO, what kinds of ways did you share expenses? The guy paid for everything. Ok, I'm kidding. In my case it really varied. Every relationship is different and there are as many ways of handling money within a relationship as there are relationships. It's true. I mean I can sit here and tell you how it is and has been for me, but that won't really do you any good. You guys have to come up with a plan that works for the two of you. I'll give you an example: I'm married and there have been discussions on here (do a search) about how couples who are married or living together handle their finances. For my H and I no other way but joint checking and savings would have been acceptable to us. We've always just pooled everything together. But many on here say no way would that work for them. Many have separate accounts and one joint one to pay expenses. So you've got to come up with your own plan. But it's worth checking out those threads to get ideas.
allina Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 Yeah, I agree. He's never lived with anyone before, so we need to figure out ways of sharing expenses. For those who live/have lived with SO, what kinds of ways did you share expenses? I live with my bf, neither of us have lived with an SO before so we also had to find a pattern that works for us. Both of us are pretty relaxed about money so we never had any issues, things just naturally fell in to place. The only thing we knew up front is that we both pay rent, electricity and internet down the middle. For everything else we try to keep it fair but don't keep score. He makes more and he does spend a bit more on us and the household. My bf pays for about 80-90% of dates (dinners, trips, concerts) I often pay for things like groceries and other household items because I'm the one that goes out to shop for them.
Racquel Colette Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Do you enjoy being a doormat and being used like that? Why hasn't this guy married you yet allowed you to bail him out of every situation? How could he even afford to go out drinking in the first place, yet he can't afford you a wedding ring and walk down the aisle? Wake up and smell the coffee, hon, cause he is gonna dump you someday and you will be very resentful and there won't be anything you can do because you paid for all of those gifts for him. AC - Wow really harsh and unfair. Let's put aside first dates - because those are not at issue here - these two have been in a relationship for a long time and are talking marriage. My b/f lost his job over 3 years ago, at the time we had only been dating 6 months. At first he very aggressively sought new employment, but due to his age and corporate "level" he could not find one. So he began working on building a new company. To say the least he has had very little income in all this time. I have paid for every single date since then, with the sole exception of my birthdays. I have also paid for every single vacation (all to see his family), every present we have given as a couple (including to his family and business partner's kids), etc. Furthermore I paid for his dog's vet bills AND the attorney's fees for his recent DWI (that is the only thing I've mentioned above that I told him that one day I expect to be paid back because that is just stupidity). I do this because I love him, because I view us as a couple and when one needs help, the other shoulders the burden. Would I like greater equity - sure, but that's just not possible right now. Later on - I sincerley hope we will get that back. Not because it will be his turn to pay, but because HE needs it for his own ego and feelings of self worth. Frankly I don't care. I've finally found someone I love - so if I had to support him for the rest of our lives, so what?! I would do it willingly.
Racquel Colette Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 As far as your boyfriend goes, Lauriebel, he is a complete and total ******* and there is no other way around that. Being in the professional world and making big bucks and being a student (whether your parents are rich or not) are two totally different things and he is just being an *******. You are young, you can do better than him, that is for sure.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I'm not going to try to front like I've read anything other than the first post, but why is it okay for you to stow away money "for school" while he has to pay for everything for you when he has actual bills, and no rich parents to pay them for him? A relationship is supposed to be about sharing and giving--all I see from all of your threads is you giving excuses for not doing either, and expecting him to shower you with gifts in the meantime.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 I'm not going to try to front like I've read anything other than the first post, but why is it okay for you to stow away money "for school" while he has to pay for everything for you when he has actual bills, and no rich parents to pay them for him? A relationship is supposed to be about sharing and giving--all I see from all of your threads is you giving excuses for not doing either, and expecting him to shower you with gifts in the meantime. Ok, I don't appreciate these comments. The issue is that it ISN'T MY IDEA TO GO OUT TO EAT. I'm perfectly happy doing lesser things like renting a movie or buying groceries and eating in. Excuse me, but I'm not about to blow tons of money that I need to live off of to take my boyfriend out to eat. And yeah he has bills and stuff, but he has more extra money to go out to eat then I do. Case closed. I don't expect him to shower me with gifts..the thing that bothers me is that he gives me a hard time about not having spending money and throws his own generiosity back in my face when we fight. If it's his idea to go out to dinner, yeah it would be right of him to offer. He'd freak out if I suggested we do something and then expected him to pay for it, but he does the same to me when I'm on a tighter budget. And yeah, maybe I am part of the problem since I do think he should be the one offering if it was his idea..he doesn't like that and that is why he gets pissed off.
sunshinegirl Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 If it's his idea to go out to dinner, yeah it would be right of him to offer. Maybe I missed or forgot what you said about this, but when he does this, do you ever try to talk him out of it? If not, and now you're complaining that it's HIS IDEA, then it's another contribution of yours that you keep AGREEING to go out to dinner when you KNOW he's going to get upset later about who paid. And yeah, maybe I am part of the problem since I do think he should be the one offering if it was his idea..he doesn't like that and that is why he gets pissed off. LB, you seemed to have a kind of breakthrough the other day. Are you backtracking now? "Maybe" you are part of the problem?
Storyrider Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You don't even need a bank account. You could just set aside an envelope with cash at the beginning of each month if you want to be low-tech. When it's empty you're staying home until next month. Wow, what a read. The above is the best advice on the whole thread. Decide what you want to contribute each month. Give it to him in advance. Discussion over. If he wants to go out more after your portion is used up, he can pay.
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Discussion over. Agreed. Tony, please lock this thread.
Storyrider Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Agreed. Tony, please lock this thread. :lmao:
sb129 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Yeah, I agree. He's never lived with anyone before, so we need to figure out ways of sharing expenses. For those who live/have lived with SO, what kinds of ways did you share expenses? We pool everything. Its "our" money, and we live off one income (his) and save the other (mine). This means that WB pays for nearly everything, BUT I have the savings account in my name. We have a monthly allowance for treats and entertainment, and once thats gone, its gone. Its been harder for me to get my head around, because I have historically been the one who earns more in a R, and have tried to be fiercely financially independent, and have always been used to buying what I want, when I want. This way, I have very little actual cash, which can be hard sometimes. We are getting married next year though, and there is alot of trust involved in our money- he trusts me with the savings which is for a deposit on a house, and I trust him to pay our rent/ bills and keep us fed etc. Corazoncitos advice was excellent. You should BOTH contribute- if you earn different amounts, then agree on a figure which is a percentage of what you earn, that way its proportional and fair. I don't expect him to shower me with gifts... Hmm..... previous threads would suggest otherwise, but I have been away and haven't read ALL of this thread so... Just out of interest, what DID he give you for Christmas?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 So we just had the best talk. I took everyone's advice and we talked about all the expenses that we will need for our apartment and how to deal with them. I told my boyfriend about corazoncito's idea about the going out fund and he loved it. We agreed that we would use a jar though, because envelopes can get wet and ruined and stuff. He is such a cute little accountant Anyway, we discussed ways that we are going to share expenses, pay for groceries, rent, ect. It was a very good talk and I think we came up with some good solutions.
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 We agreed that we would use a jar though, because envelopes can get wet and ruined and stuff. Good thinking. I prefer a screw on top, too.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Just out of interest, what DID he give you for Christmas? A jewelry box and perfume. I love both of them too. He did build me up on the whole "ring" thing, but I realized I was being a little silly about the whole thing. Both gifts are real sweet, and he cut out a picture of us and put it in the heart shaped top of the box. It was a real nice touch.
sb129 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 So we just had the best talk. I took everyone's advice and we talked about all the expenses that we will need for our apartment and how to deal with them. I told my boyfriend about corazoncito's idea about the going out fund and he loved it. We agreed that we would use a jar though, because envelopes can get wet and ruined and stuff. He is such a cute little accountant Anyway, we discussed ways that we are going to share expenses, pay for groceries, rent, ect. It was a very good talk and I think we came up with some good solutions. That sounds very positive. Good for you. we have a coin jar that we put all our change into, and it definitely adds up. You can tip it into one of those change machines and get the notes later. What did you get for Christmas? I am curious... just because I followed the other thread.
latefragment Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 LB - I think I asked you this question in an earlier post, but i think you might've missed it - When he asks you to go out to dinners - and I know they're always HIS idea, do you ever say, "hey I can't afford to go there" or do you just go with him, without saying anything? Do you ever protest, or do you just go along with it? Please let us know, because I'm really interested in knowing what kind of dynamic occurs between you guys when you go out to eat. I mean, i think if it's always his idea to go places, and you are perfectly happy cooking something simple and cheap at home, then he shouldn't get on your case about not contributing. That makes common sense.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 LB - I think I asked you this question in an earlier post, but i think you might've missed it - When he asks you to go out to dinners - and I know they're always HIS idea, do you ever say, "hey I can't afford to go there" or do you just go with him, without saying anything? Do you ever protest, or do you just go along with it? Please let us know, because I'm really interested in knowing what kind of dynamic occurs between you guys when you go out to eat. I mean, i think if it's always his idea to go places, and you are perfectly happy cooking something simple and cheap at home, then he shouldn't get on your case about not contributing. That makes common sense. Well, he'll usually get home from work and be real hungry so he'll say "Hey, babe do you want to go to the Olive Garden, my treat?" So usually that means that he isn't really expecting me to pay for it, it's just a nice treat. So then usually I'll agree and say thank you. A few times I've turned him down though and said I'd rather make dinner here. Usually when he asks me out to dinner it's usually always him offering to treat me. There are other times when he will suggest we do something but not actually offer to treat me, so then during those times I usually tell him either "Well babe I really don't have a lot of money" or "Well we can just stay here and cook something." He offers to actually treat a lot, there are some times though like I said when he'll ask me to do something but not offer to pay. Those times it's usually somewhere cheaper like Eat n Park (or like Denny's for those who don't know what that is) or a fast food place. So I either agree to it and we just pay seperately, or if I don't have the money I just say I don't really have a lot of spending money and suggest cooking a meal and staying in. I generally don't suggest going out to eat or anything because I know I don't really have money to do that (it's expensive after all!) There will be a few select times when I'll offer to take him out..like when I get paid on Friday I plan on taking him out to dinner as a surprise. He's actually the one who really likes to go out to dinner, so most of the time he doesn't mind paying. It's just the times when he can't pay and wants me too.
Nevermind Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Have you ever considered cooking a dinner shortly before he comes? Assuming that you're already in the flat a while before that happens? It might be a nice surprise and would kill any possibility for a lenghty discussion about money. Not saying you should turn into a darling little housewife. He offers to actually treat a lot, there are some times though like I said when he'll ask me to do something but not offer to pay. Those times it's usually somewhere cheaper like Eat n Park (or like Denny's for those who don't know what that is) or a fast food place.Now, that is new. So there seems to be some consideration for your situation on his side after all. How often does that happen? Compared to him flat out offering to pay? One time in ten? 9 in 10? 5 in ten? It's just the times when he can't pay and wants me too.He can't pay? Why?
sb129 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I want to know what he got you for Christmas!!! Please!
hotgurl Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 A jewelry box and perfume. I love both of them too. He did build me up on the whole "ring" thing, but I realized I was being a little silly about the whole thing. Both gifts are real sweet, and he cut out a picture of us and put it in the heart shaped top of the box. It was a real nice touch. sb129 here you go you must have missed the post
sb129 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I did, sorry I have been away am just easing myself back into things. Thanks HG.
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