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Posted

Hi guys, hopefully everyone can give me some advice without ganging up on me here. I'll try to get my point across as best I can.

 

So the situation with the whole Christmas present thing. Unfortunately there is a bigger issue at hand here. My bf thinks I'm "hoarding" my money. I'm broke most of the year because I am still a grad student but for Christmas my parents gave me $500 (which I know is a lot) which made my bf freak out. He accused me of making him pay for things even though I had money to do so. He complained about how much debt he is in, and even though he makes a ton of money, he still has a ton of bills, which I don't. Again I think he resents me for my parents being well off, while his parents are almost bankrupt.

 

I told him that I bought a few things and am saving the rest so I have some more money next semester. That didn't go over too well, so we got in a real huge argument. We are trying to work though this problem, and we keep having the same exact fight over and over again. Even though he says he doesn't, he resents the fact that he pays for everything we do, because I have no spending money. I tried to explain to him that the money I am earning over xmas break and money I got from my parents is not "going out to dinner" money, but it is money that I need next semester to put gas in my car, and food on my stomach. Again, that didn't go over too well. Again, he called me names which I have again asked him to not do.

 

This is a huge problem. We had a good talk last night, but now I'm seriously doubting my relationship which is making me feel guilty. I love him so much and I really imagine being without him, but I'm just scared now. Maybe this won't happen anymore when I actually have a steady income and more money, but in the meantime if he doesn't offer to pay for something and I don't have the money to pay for myself I'm supposed to "ask" him if he is comfortable paying for it. Does that sound weird to you? I mean I'll do it if that means we can stop fighting about it, but I'm so scared about this. Ugh, feels good to get this off my chest.

Posted

You live together, correct?

 

How do you split rent and utilities and groceries? Those things should be equitable no matter what your income level (I'm a grad student too). Is he taking about going out on dates or is it basic utilities that he pays more than you?

Posted

I don't fully understand the issue. Is he upset at the bills you create by living with him? If so where would you be living if you were not living with him?

 

If it's the going out costs that bother him, then stop going out. What types of things might you have to ask him to pay for?

 

My b/f has not had an income for 3 years. I pay for every single "extra." Which included major surgery for his dog (and unfortunately putting his dog to sleep), our vacations to visit my b/f's family, etc. To date there are only 3 things I've told him he will have to reimburse me for - his insurance premiums, the fees to his family reunion (only because he acted like he would pay and then forgot his checkbook) and some lawyer fees for a situation he got into that I feel could have been avoided.

 

Otherwise I choose to pay the rest. Yes right now I am in debt, but that was my own decision. My b/f does not ask me to pay for things, I do it because I want to and we are not even living together!

 

So perhaps if you give a little more detail I might be able to give better input.

  • Author
Posted

Ok, to clarify we don't live together right now. I go to school a 1.5 hours away, but come home on some weekends throughout the semester and he comes to visit me. I have an apartment up at college and he has one here. Right now I am home for Christmas break for about a month and have been staying with him (he asked me too). So basically we have been living together for the past few weeks, but it's just kind of temporary and he doesn't care if I help him pay any of the bills or anything because he knows I don't make enough money. I do chip in for groceries and house hold items though, and have enough money to cover it.

 

The issue is paying for dates. I don't have much spending money. He is a CPA and makes over 50 grand a year. I make about 15,000 with part time jobs, if that. So I'm really struggling. He wants to go out to dinner all the time, and is very generous but now that I have been making money over break he says that I should pay for things..however I need the money to put gas in my car and for food..it's not going out to dinner money like he has. We clash on this issue.

 

Oh by the way, he is ALWAYS the one to suggest going out so much..I never suggest it because I know I don't have the money. I don't bite off more than I can chew. He wants to go out all the time because he has money to do so but when he doesn't have money to pay for both of us, he gets pissed and asks me if I have money to pay for myself..and we end up fighting because he thinks I assume he is going to pay all the time.

Posted
Ok, to clarify we don't live together right now. I go to school a 1.5 hours away, but come home on some weekends throughout the semester and he comes to visit me. I have an apartment up at college and he has one here. Right now I am home for Christmas break for about a month and have been staying with him (he asked me too). So basically we have been living together for the past few weeks, but it's just kind of temporary and he doesn't care if I help him pay any of the bills or anything because he knows I don't make enough money. I do chip in for groceries and house hold items though, and have enough money to cover it.

 

The issue is paying for dates. I don't have much spending money. He is a CPA and makes over 50 grand a year. I make about 15,000 with part time jobs, if that. So I'm really struggling. He wants to go out to dinner all the time, and is very generous but now that I have been making money over break he says that I should pay for things..however I need the money to put gas in my car and for food..it's not going out to dinner money like he has. We clash on this issue.

 

Oh by the way, he is ALWAYS the one to suggest going out so much..I never suggest it because I know I don't have the money. I don't bite off more than I can chew. He wants to go out all the time because he has money to do so but when he doesn't have money to pay for both of us, he gets pissed and asks me if I have money to pay for myself..and we end up fighting because he thinks I assume he is going to pay all the time.

 

Just tell him you can't afford to go out all the time then. What's the issue?

Posted

LB, with each passing weekly new drama with him, I am becoming more and more turned off to the two of you as a couple. Though you certainly have your own culpability for certain issues (we won't retread the Xmas gift snooping and meltdown), as far as HE goes, there is a recurrent theme of his controlling nature. If he is this cheap and behaves this way before you are married, then fully expect when you are, that you will be put on an allowance, and forced to account for every 5 cents you spend. I would think as your "man", that it would give him a sense of pride and satisfaction to know that he can take care of you and treat you to some nice dates to show his affection and make your life a little nicer. But, no....

 

I think it's time to really take a long hard look at his behavior and the dynamic that exists. Because what you see today only portends of worse in the future...

  • Author
Posted
Just tell him you can't afford to go out all the time then. What's the issue?

 

I have, many many times. The issue is that when he suggest we do something, but doesn't offer to pay he asks me if I can. The answer is usually no, and I have told this to him over and over again so I don't understand why he bothers to ask me. I think he resents the fact that my parents pay my rent and tuition, when he has to pay his own. We tried to work it out last night, but I don't like the idea of having to ask my boyfriend to pay for me to go out..I think that's dumb, and it makes me feel like some desperate needy gf spounging off my bf.

Posted

Ok, this money issue has been going on for awhile now. As you well know, it is one of the biggest things people fight about in relationships. You need to end this squabling NOW, once and for all.

 

Tell him that know this is a sore subject and that you are not going to engage in power struggles over it. tell him you value the relationship too much to allow him to resent you over your current, student income, and therefore you will NOt accept more than, say, one night out a week, on his dime. THEN STICK TO IT !!!

 

500 bucks is a drop in the bucket when it comes to helping support yourself for a whole semester. No mature man would ask that you split the applebees bill with your 500 gift, if it would mean going hungry come march, april and may !!

  • Author
Posted
LB, with each passing weekly new drama with him, I am becoming more and more turned off to the two of you as a couple. Though you certainly have your own culpability for certain issues (we won't retread the Xmas gift snooping and meltdown), as far as HE goes, there is a recurrent theme of his controlling nature. If he is this cheap and behaves this way before you are married, then fully expect when you are, that you will be put on an allowance, and forced to account for every 5 cents you spend. I would think as your "man", that it would give him a sense of pride and satisfaction to know that he can take care of you and treat you to some nice dates to show his affection and make your life a little nicer. But, no....

 

I think it's time to really take a long hard look at his behavior and the dynamic that exists. Because what you see today only portends of worse in the future...

 

I don't think it's cheapness, it's something deeper. He says he likes treating me to things because he loves me, but contradicts this attitude when he asks me if I have money to pay for myself when he knows I don't. He is very generous with me, but then when he does that it makes me question whether or not he really is. I think he resents the fact that he has to pay for everything. I don't like that attitude.

  • Author
Posted
Ok, this money issue has been going on for awhile now. As you well know, it is one of the biggest things people fight about in relationships. You need to end this squabling NOW, once and for all.

 

Tell him that know this is a sore subject and that you are not going to engage in power struggles over it. tell him you value the relationship too much to allow him to resent you over your current, student income, and therefore you will NOt accept more than, say, one night out a week, on his dime. THEN STICK TO IT !!!

 

500 bucks is a drop in the bucket when it comes to helping support yourself for a whole semester. No mature man would ask that you split the applebees bill with your 500 gift, if it would mean going hungry come march, april and may !!

 

Well, for a really long time we didn't even fight about money at all! He was understanding and very generous. Then I get $500 and boom all hell breaks loose. I tried to explain to him that it's not going out to dinner money, it's money to live off of. He got pissed when I spent some of it on clothes (that I needed for my internship next semester) and now I'm hoarding my money..which is total B.S. We resolved it last night with his new thing about me asking him to pay which I think is totally rediculous.

Posted

Thats what I mean. How is THAT conversation going to go ??

 

BF - Hey, LB, wanna go out for chinese food and a movie ?

 

LB - well, you know I can't afford it, so will you treat ?

 

BF - 1) Yes

2) Yes, but i'll resent it and end up throwing it in your face next argument

3) NO, I'll just go alone

4) never MIND, we'll just stay in and eat cereal, and THEN I'll resent you over THAT.

 

Thats why I said to disengage from this subject.

 

If he asks you out, say " Why are you doing this BF ? You know I can't afford it, and you'll resent me if I let you pay" so It's lose, lose. I'm having a bowl of cereal and when I graduate and get a job, we'll go out for chinese and a movie.

Posted

So let me get this straight - the new rule is that he suggests you two go out to eat, and then you need to ask him to pay for you? Nope that wouldn't work for me.

 

My answer to him, each and every time he suggests going out would be no you would prefer to stay in. Because to tell the truth the price, of having to ask him to pay for you, is too high.

 

To be quite honest I would move back with my parents for the remainder of the break - and tell him that you two can try the living together thing again when you have more equitable incomes.

 

It is unreasonable for him to resent the fact that your parent's have more money than he does, or his parents do - and it is even less reasonable for him to expect that they would give you money to support your social time with him.

 

It also appears to me that he might be a bit too frivolous with his spending if he cannot understand that you are saving all your current money to pay your bills over the next semester. The point that he is in debt also indicates this.

 

I think you guys are moving too quickly - back off and take it all a lot slower!!!

  • Author
Posted
Thats what I mean. How is THAT conversation going to go ??

 

BF - Hey, LB, wanna go out for chinese food and a movie ?

 

LB - well, you know I can't afford it, so will you treat ?

 

BF - 1) Yes

2) Yes, but i'll resent it and end up throwing it in your face next argument

3) NO, I'll just go alone

4) never MIND, we'll just stay in and eat cereal, and THEN I'll resent you over THAT.

 

Thats why I said to disengage from this subject.

 

If he asks you out, say " Why are you doing this BF ? You know I can't afford it, and you'll resent me if I let you pay" so It's lose, lose. I'm having a bowl of cereal and when I graduate and get a job, we'll go out for chinese and a movie.

 

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I just don't get this Melody. We didn't fight about this issue until I started making money over break. Now it's like since I have money he isn't obligated to pay anymore and expects me to pay for things. And now it's his paranoia that I'm hoarding money and trying to stick him with the bill. That's his issue, not mine.

Posted
I don't think it's cheapness, it's something deeper. He says he likes treating me to things because he loves me, but contradicts this attitude when he asks me if I have money to pay for myself when he knows I don't. He is very generous with me, but then when he does that it makes me question whether or not he really is. I think he resents the fact that he has to pay for everything. I don't like that attitude.

 

Then it still comes back to his controlling nature and need to control every move you make. Trust me - if it starts out like this, it really only gets worse. He isn't generous with you purely - he does it for control. Same as when he expects you to pay its MORE control. I'd be exhausted by his antics.

  • Author
Posted
So let me get this straight - the new rule is that he suggests you two go out to eat, and then you need to ask him to pay for you? Nope that wouldn't work for me.

 

My answer to him, each and every time he suggests going out would be no you would prefer to stay in. Because to tell the truth the price, of having to ask him to pay for you, is too high.

 

To be quite honest I would move back with my parents for the remainder of the break - and tell him that you two can try the living together thing again when you have more equitable incomes.

 

It is unreasonable for him to resent the fact that your parent's have more money than he does, or his parents do - and it is even less reasonable for him to expect that they would give you money to support your social time with him.

 

It also appears to me that he might be a bit too frivolous with his spending if he cannot understand that you are saving all your current money to pay your bills over the next semester. The point that he is in debt also indicates this.

 

I think you guys are moving too quickly - back off and take it all a lot slower!!!

 

He says that if he doesn't offer to treat me, then I have to ask him to if I don't have the money to pay for myself. Which is the stupidest thing in the whole world. You are right, I'm going to tell him I prefer to stay in. He is in school loan debt, and he resents the fact that my parents pay my tuition and I won't have any school loans when I graduate. Which sucks.

Posted

He should not resent the fact that your parents are paying your tuition, he should be happy for you.

 

If I recall correctly you two are thinking of moving in together once you graduate, which means once that happens you will likely be paying more than your share to household expenses as he will still be paying student debt. Or your combined income will be paying HIS loans.

 

If he were behaving in a more mature/adult fashion I would say that is all well and good -- but he seems to be saying what's his is his, and what's yours is his (or should be).

 

I'll say it again - you need to back the heck off of this relationship and let him grow up! Move in with your parents for the remainder of your break, and IF your b/f wants to see you, then he can come pick you up.

 

These games he has been playing are foolish and need to end.

Posted
I make about 15,000 with part time jobs

 

I think he resents the fact that my parents pay my rent and tuition

 

Ok, so what does your $15K go for? Maybe you've covered this in another thread, but I am not seeing why you are quite so impoverished (and I do see that you make this claim often).

  • Author
Posted

He wrote me a letter after our fight about things that are on his mind. He wrote out these scenerios that have have happened and how I could have "handled" them differently. Here is one:

 

]Assumption statements

BAD:

]You: “Let’s go to the Fox and Hound to have drinks and dinner. I’ll chip in $15.”

 

WHY:

It assumes that I will pay the remainder of the bill, regardless of how much it is. In my mind, it sounds like “I don’t care how much the bill is because all I’m responsible for is $15”.

 

GOOD: “Tonight I’d like to spend at the most $15. I’d like the Fox and Hound, but I know it’s expensive. I’ll try to keep my drink and meal under $15, but if it goes over, would you please help pay the difference?

  • Author
Posted
Ok, so what does your $15K go for? Maybe you've covered this in another thread, but I am not seeing why you are quite so impoverished (and I do see that you make this claim often).

 

Food, gas, household items, any car repairs, anything else I need. My parents don't give me extra money for that, they pay rent, utilities, and tuition bill. I live off of the money I earn which leaves me with very little spending money.

Posted

Now the example he gave is different that what you had said above. In his example you are suggesting going out - and I agree, your approach is bad, but not THAT bad.

 

You said above that HE always suggests going out, not you.

 

So what's the truth?

Posted

PLEASE tell me you are joking.

 

LB - if you don't see this as profoundly WRONG and disturbing, then I don't think anyone here will be able to help you see the light.

 

This guy is a royal ass, and this treatment will only continue. If you marry him, I expect to see you both on Maury one day when he does the episode of controlling husbands and the wife is there in tears.

 

Wow. Im just blown away you, or anyone, would tolerate such behavior.

Posted
He wrote me a letter after our fight about things that are on his mind. He wrote out these scenerios that have have happened and how I could have "handled" them differently. Here is one:

 

]Assumption statements

BAD:

]You: “Let’s go to the Fox and Hound to have drinks and dinner. I’ll chip in $15.”

 

WHY:

It assumes that I will pay the remainder of the bill, regardless of how much it is. In my mind, it sounds like “I don’t care how much the bill is because all I’m responsible for is $15”.

 

GOOD: “Tonight I’d like to spend at the most $15. I’d like the Fox and Hound, but I know it’s expensive. I’ll try to keep my drink and meal under $15, but if it goes over, would you please help pay the difference?

 

I think this letter is nuts and I am not sure why you'd want to be in a r/s with someone who could write this.

 

That said, I also don't understand why you would suggest going to a restaurant that you cannot afford. You said earlier that it's him always wanting to go expensive places, but that's not what seems to be indicated here.

 

You've mentioned several times that he has bills and debts of his own. Do you actually *know* that he has a lot of disposable income or are you assuming this because (to you) $50K/year seems like a lot of money?

  • Author
Posted
Now the example he gave is different that what you had said above. In his example you are suggesting going out - and I agree, your approach is bad, but not THAT bad.

 

You said above that HE always suggests going out, not you.

 

So what's the truth?

 

No, Fox and Hound was his idea for New Years. He hadn't offered to pay for me, so I said I would chip in for it. Which I have done before, but only when he has asked me if I could after already offereing. So since he didn't offer to pay, he just had the "idea" I assumed he was going to pay, so therefore I was wrong.

  • Author
Posted
I think this letter is nuts and I am not sure why you'd want to be in a r/s with someone who could write this.

 

That said, I also don't understand why you would suggest going to a restaurant that you cannot afford. You said earlier that it's him always wanting to go expensive places, but that's not what seems to be indicated here.

 

You've mentioned several times that he has bills and debts of his own. Do you actually *know* that he has a lot of disposable income or are you assuming this because (to you) $50K/year seems like a lot of money?

 

I know how much he makes, and I know how much his bills are. Granted he has a lot of bills, but has extra money to spare as well. Much more than I do.

  • Author
Posted
PLEASE tell me you are joking.

 

LB - if you don't see this as profoundly WRONG and disturbing, then I don't think anyone here will be able to help you see the light.

 

This guy is a royal ass, and this treatment will only continue. If you marry him, I expect to see you both on Maury one day when he does the episode of controlling husbands and the wife is there in tears.

 

Wow. Im just blown away you, or anyone, would tolerate such behavior.

 

Oh believe me I was so pissed off. I told him I was glad he told me how he felt but he didn't have to write it all out like that. He said he was just trying to tell me how he felt. I told him not to suggest going out if he can't foot the bill, and said that if I have the money to take him out I will tell him that I do, and offer to pay. I told him never to ask me if I have money to pay for myself.

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