shooterman75 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Ok. so 2 days after christmas my wife of 4 years told me that she loves and cares about me but she is not in love with me. When she told me this, it felt like someone had just ripped my heart out. Now I am trying to figure stuff out and I just need some advise as to what I should do, and if I am headed in the right direction. Every time I look back I somehow find it to be my fault. Most of it has to do with my upbringing. I come from a family that is very hard. We do not show emotion. She comes from a very touchy feely family. So our backgrounds are very different. I did not realize how bad that was until all this happened. I know now that I need to show more emotion and need to show more affection. Now the hard part about this is that neither one of us can afford to move out right now. We are going to stay in the same house until next march. We are both in the military and she will leave on a 6 month cruis in september. So march is when she will be returning. Now durring that time I am going to try and respark that flame that we once had. I know that I need to change alot. I am going to show more emotion and let her know that I am commited to her and our son. But what I don't want to do it try so hard that I drive her away. But then I also don't want to try so little that she thinks I am not trying hard enough. It is just a very difficult time, and this seems to be one way that helps me make it through it talking about it. Please if anyone can lend some advise it would be greatly appriciated.
Confused9 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I suggest trying to give her her space and work things out in her head. Try not to be overly needy. This may push her away. Just try and do the best you can to move on. That's all you can really do right now. Let her know that you are willing to work things out and ask if she would like to attend counseling with you. If you are BOTH willing to work towards saving your marriage than it's possible you can. However, if you are willing and she isn't...there really isn't much you can do. Stay strong and take care of yourself!
cj1988 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Hello Shooter, I am so sorry you are going through this, I know all to well that feels like and it KILLS you inside. You are correct to say that you do not want to do too much, it will smother her and she will begin to resent you for that right away. You must let her know you are hurt and ask if you can try to work it out. Do not, I repeat DO NOT beg or plead at this point. Let her know that you are sorry for the past and you are willing to change for her and your marriage. Do not seem pathetic or needy, that just gives them more control and more eager to leave. Just TRY and give her the space she needs and talk when and if she wants to.....we are all here to help you.....been there done that !
shockandawed Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Hey Shooter, So sorry you are having to go through this. I got the same thing from my wife of 18 years about 4 years ago. I know all too well the stress of sharing a home once this has began, although nowhere near the time you are looking at. How was the relationship prior to this announcement? Have things been chilly for awhile? Did she make this announcement and then dictate the terms to you? How are the arrangements in the meantime? Are you to function as a family, sleep in the same bed, etc..? If I understand this correct, you are sharing the home until September, at which time she leaves on a 6 month depolyment. That is nine months of living together. Is she filing for divorce now? Or is she going to wait until she is out? From what you have posted so far, I can't figure out if she just needs some space or is this really over.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 There is no we cannot afford to live in separate places. She is the one who wants the divorce and she should have thought about the living arrangements before she did this. She either wants to continue to live at home and work on the marriage or she wants to find another place to live, period. Let her know that you do not intend to support her decision financially- she will be on her own. You may do better posting your story on the marriage forum. More traffic there.
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