Lishy Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 We broke up 4 days before xmas and I was so upset He cancelled christmas with me and my family because I could not come to his work 'do' as my mum was too ill to babysit for me. I was so upset with him but I dont miss him I know I loved him and previous times when we broke up (always over his immature behaviours) i have been inconsolable, not able to go to work, not able to sleep but this time it is like a light has gone off and I dont care! Is this normal?
marlena Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Lishy, It sounds to me like you and your boyfiend have broken up so many times that you have almost become immune to it. Either, you think this is just another one of these temporary break ups or you have had more than enough of hs immature ways and are ready to really call it quits and move on. And, yes, at times, that's all it is - a switch that's gone off - just when you least suspect it. I think your boyfriend may have well taken things a little too far this time. Obviously, he doesn't know that you have reached your limits. Perhaps he thinks that you will put up with just about anything from him especially if you have done so in the past. Why do you think you are not caring as much?
Author Lishy Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I think you have hit the nail on the head! I think I just reached my limit and I also do believe that he thought it would be ok as it always has been! I am scared though as I dont want him to call me and when I think about never seeing him again I feel a sense of loss, but not enough to make me want to get back with him. He rang me to say happy new year and I said it was a shame he didnt think of calling to say happy christmas! I then told him not to call anymore!
marlena Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Lishy, It is natural to feel a sense of loss. You do not sound too sure of yourself, however. Perhaps , he senses this wavering on your part. If you do decide to see him, set your boundaries and stick to them, even at this late point. Otherwise, you will only set a very bad pattern that will only go on repeating itself until it wears you out completely.
Author Lishy Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Marlena I just feel a bit strange as I am used to feeling upset at a break up and I dont! I dont want to get back with him or even see him and I find it weird
marlena Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Marlena I just feel a bit strange as I am used to feeling upset at a break up and I dont! I dont want to get back with him or even see him and I find it weird Rejoice in it and hope it lasts!!!
Winfield Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 An easy breakup? They're rarer than dodo's these days! Count yourself lucky!
cj1988 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Yes, it is very normal, you are tired of his s--- and are DONE. The thing about women, we will go through H--- and back if we love you, BUT when we have had enough, we are DONE and that is it ! Good for you !
Jilly Bean Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Could be a few things, Lishy. 1 - denial (though I don't think this is your case) 2 - being too fed up with him to care 3 - loving yourself above all others and having the proper self-respect to not continue to be abused and mistreated I vote 2 and 3.
Ms. Red Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I know my story is different from a breakup with a BF but I'll tell you what happened with me. I had fights with my H that were few and far between where I would get so mad I'd tell him we were through & he needed to move out. I'd wake up the next morning & be crying & feel like we could make it work. We always ended up making up & got back to working on our marriage. But, the last time we fought, I felt so betrayed by what he did (it wasn't cheating on me) I screamed that it was time for him to get the F*** out. When I woke up the next morning I still felt like it was right. I didn't shed a tear for about 3 weeks & that only happened when I got drunk one night. I knew by the way my emotions held up that this was the correct decision this time. As previously mentioned, you are just tired of the same old $hit. It feels good to not feel bad doesn't it? Enjoy it & realize it's your brain telling you it's the correct decision.
StartingOver07 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Lishy - I am going through the same thing now. I am almost afraid that it will suddenly stop being easy, but so far I just feel relieved. I think this can happen when you stop feeling and start thinking. Sometimes we know what we need to do but just don't have the emotional strength to do it yet. Good for you!
Author Lishy Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I know that some people have thought that i was writing this as I was in denial or bragging but I am not - I am shocked as hell by my ability to not care! I loved this man - I spent so much money on him at xmas, not for any other reason but that I wanted to get him things I knew he wanted and they were not cheap things and I did that as I wanted to see his face when he saw I had thought about him. And what do I get in return? I cant think about him without just feeling glad that I dont have to put up with him anymore! He rang me on NYD to say HNY and I didnt even say it back I just told him not to call me anymore. I then put the phone down on him and made dinner and played pool with my son! A while ago I would have been in tears as I would have been so unhappy at losing him! I know we all have a cut off switch but I am still in shock! Startingover, I am happy that you are going through this too as it is easier than the tears, doesn't it feel weird though? It's like at any time it will hit you and you will collapse isnt it?
Author Lishy Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 How strange is this... He just text me as I was writing the above! Its says 'miss you' Shame I cant say the same back!
Kamille Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 It's like at any time it will hit you and you will collapse isnt it? In my experience, yes it will hit you, but then what you have to do is remember that your immediate feeling after the break up was relief. I think not feeling sad is a sign that you have made the right decision for yourself. You've finally made up your mind that this R has run its time.
Author Lishy Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 He just sent me another text saying 'I want to give you your xmas pressie' Ha, he should have thought of that when he acted like a prat!
phoensam Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Yes, it is very normal, you are tired of his s--- and are DONE. The thing about women, we will go through H--- and back if we love you, BUT when we have had enough, we are DONE and that is it ! Good for you ! I am exactly that way myself. I usually give them every chance, really wanting it to work. But once they have disappointed me one time too many, I emotionally close the door on them. It's like a wonderful built in protection mechanism. I hope that is what is happening for you Lishy.
StartingOver07 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 How are you holding up, Lishy? Mine contacted me today after a week of NC and now I just feel tense and irritable. Urg. I have not responded in close to a month now. When will he get it?
Author Lishy Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 Well.... He text me last night saying 'miss you' I ignored it as I have heard it before and then he text again later saying 'I want to give you your christmas present' I ignored that too as he should have thought about that at christmas! I feel bad ignoring him, but I feel bad ignoring anyone as it goes against my nature. The oly way he will get the message though is if I ignore him. How often does your ex contact you SO?
Jilly Bean Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Well.... He text me last night saying 'miss you' I ignored it as I have heard it before and then he text again later saying 'I want to give you your christmas present' I ignored that too as he should have thought about that at christmas! I feel bad ignoring him, but I feel bad ignoring anyone as it goes against my nature. The oly way he will get the message though is if I ignore him. How often does your ex contact you SO? You know, Lishy. Like a break-up isn't hard enough to cope with on your own, but then hearing from them is like re-opening the wound. Hope you stay strong, sister! (sidebar: when my ex and I split, we still had lingering contact. A close friend told him if I could go 30 days with NC, he would give me a chip like you get in AA. I keep that chip in my handbag, because once I made it to 30 days, 60 became a whole lot easier...).
StartingOver07 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Well.... He text me last night saying 'miss you' I ignored it as I have heard it before and then he text again later saying 'I want to give you your christmas present' I ignored that too as he should have thought about that at christmas! I feel bad ignoring him, but I feel bad ignoring anyone as it goes against my nature. The oly way he will get the message though is if I ignore him. How often does your ex contact you SO? Yes, I know what you mean when you say it is not your nature to ignore someone. It's not mine, either. I am always wanting to be nice, but in this case, 'nice' will just reopen the canof worms. My situation is quite different from yours. My ex was an abuser (emotional/verbal - I did not stay long enough to see whether it would also become physical) and at first he was calling 9 times per day, then it "dwindled" to ~4 times per day. This went on for 3 weeks. I finally sent him a text that said simply "Stop calling. You are harrassing me." I did this because I thought I might have to get some sort of restraining order and needed to have it on record that I had clearly communicated my desires. That text led to a week of not hearing from him, but then he called again today. I never pick up when he calls as everything I've read says that any contact whatsoever will be interpreted as interest/hope. I am at my wit's end at this point. I have thought of changing my phone number but then I worry that this will force him to just show up at my house and I really don't want that. Yikes - that was TMI! Sorry.
Author Lishy Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 I had this problem SO with my ex. I was scared also of changing my number but I did and it worked! You could also get a male friend to answer the phone and say that it is his phone now as you sold it to him? He wouldnt want to pester a man. Bullies only like to bully women and people weaker than them!
StartingOver07 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I thought of having a male friend create the recording for my phone. Not sure if that would help. He *seems* content to just call constantly without any feedback from me. I want to end the calls but I am afraid to do anything to escalate the situation. Thanks for your advice! I will stop hijacking your thread now.
Author Lishy Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 Oh you are not hijacking hon! I agree you should be cautious and if he is backing down with calls now then they will probably stop soon. Hopefully he meets someone else who takes his mind off you! Until then just be strong and do not reply - Abusive men love ANY kind of response!
Author Lishy Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 He rang me today and my son answered the phone or i would have ignored it. He said he wants to give me my xmas pressie, I told him to keep it and he said it will just sit in the cupboard as he bought it for me. I told him to put it up on his own wall (its a canvas print) and he said he didnt want to, I told him I didnt want to either. I told him he should have thought about giving me it at christmas and not now, I also told him I will never forgive him for what he done. He never said sorry or accepted responsibility for his actions, yet again! He never does, he never thinks he is wrong. I am so glad I do not have to put up with this bahaviour anymore!
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